Jessica Walter, Writer

Whether it has to do with your birth order or just what makes you who you are...

You are my free spirited child.

Playgrounds without fences give Mama heart palpitations.

We usually get looks of judgment when they see you have a leash. But we would get the same looks if they saw you darting into the street just because you saw something you had to have.

Pristine houses make me nervous knowing everything is fair game in your path of curious destruction.

Boundaries aren’t really your thing and the world is your playground.

You are my free spirited child.

You love big.

You feel big.

You touch big.

You live big.

And as much as Mama desperately tries to keep you safe, I am learning to let you do your thing.

You are teaching me.

You are my free spirited child.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

I don’t know how much time we have left.

So tonight, I sat with you.

Usually, I would be cleaning up after dinner or chasing the kids around.

But I saw you sitting there.

So peaceful.

I wanted that moment with you.

I needed that moment with you.

You reminisced through labored breaths on your life and I was a sponge.

You see, I know our time is dwindling and I am not ready to give it up.

I’ll honestly never be able to.

So tonight, I sat with you.

Because

I don’t know how much time we have left.

Sometimes you wonder if what you are doing is making the difference you hoped for. Then you get emails like this.

It’s been a year since my book was published and as scary as it was to put it out there, it was to help others through shared experiences.

Thank you to all who have purchased it and to for displaying it on your shelves. All purchases go directly to grants for those seeking fertility treatment or adoption.

His eyes and hair are brown like mine.

He insists on structure and thrives on routine the same way I do.

We love chocolate and will let you know exactly what we think if something isn't right.

He is my own.

He gives bear hugs and loves to snuggle just like his daddy.

He can drum a beat to any tune the same way his daddy did at his age.

They love music with a beat, yet aren't fans of loud noises or too much stimulus.

He is his own.

These sweet boys do not share our genes.

They don't have my height or their dad's green eyes.

They will, however, get our endless love and know family.

And because Love is what makes family,

they are our own.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

“I really struggle with this one. People do mean well when they say this, but if you really think about what this implies, it implies this idea that children who have been adopted are lucky because they were deemed worthy of a family. I can assure you, the parents are the lucky ones. We get to call these precious littles ours. We get the privilege of raising these important people.”

In honor of , my latest from Lansing Mom

https://lansing.momcollective.com/five-things-not-to-say-to-adoptive-parents/?fbclid=PAAaa0QMgzmteyF4HhDfhB5N27YuZ3wSniASSVQEV1FFVOVD42vTWRsHjEO4c_aem_Ac0WwVxIMEHTnviMPmJhTlNnKsRZsc4s7GxJCYmHvUQalaWT89GZbTaypENopvLu8Ws

Five Things Not to Say to Adoptive Parents Jessica is sharing five things not to say to adoptive parents so we all can find the right way to express our love for adoptive families.

You are allowed to enjoy being a mom and having a career.

One does not have to take away from the other.

Give yourself permission to attend your work trip. The kids will be ok.

Add this year's field trip to the pumpkin patch to your calendar. Your to-do list at work can wait.

It's never easy to balance both the working world and the motherhood world.

But there are moments in each world that bring you joy.

Soaking in a family walk after dinner before the madness of bedtime ensues.

A project you worked all year on gets approved at the management meeting.

The guilt is real when you feel like you are failing in both realms, but don't let that negative self talk win.

Your partner, children, boss, colleagues, and everyone else you work so hard to do right by see how hard you work.

Just make sure you see you, too.

You are a mom with a career who is killing it- even on the days it doesn't seem like it.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

I’m so sorry for the world you are being born into.

There is racism, with hurtful actions and words, that shouldn’t exist.

There is this sense of security behind a screen, causing unkind words to be spoken, when the only message should be kindness.

There is literally a pandemic turning everything upside down.

I can’t control any of it and it kills me.

I can’t protect you from it because this is real life.

What I can do is teach you.

I can teach you to question and research versus following blindly; to believe in science.

I can teach you to see color and embrace it, in all its beautiful diversity.

I can teach you kindness and compassion- that words matter.

I have hope that your future generation will change and learn from this.

I have hope that you will make a difference in this world no matter how small or grand.

I have hope that it won’t always be this way for you.

I’m so sorry for the world you are being born into, but I promise to be there to guide you and support you in making it better.

**Written in 2020

We need you to understand.
This is something time won’t heal.
The pain, heartache, guilt, and love never leave us.
So we need to talk about it and we need you to just listen.

We need you to understand.
Saying things like, “At least you can get pregnant,” doesn’t help.
Yes, we can get pregnant and then our babies die.
That may be hard to hear but so is living this.
We lost a part of us with that tiny soul that couldn’t stay, and we aren’t just wanting to get pregnant. We wanted that pregnancy, that life.

We need you to understand.
Your baby showers are triggers.
We might feel this sudden sense of impending dread and need to leave immediately.
Don’t be offended or make this about you. We’re just trying to survive.

We need you to understand.
We sincerely appreciate the little things you do that make a huge difference to us.
Texting us you’re pregnant or telling us privately before we see the grand announcement means everything.

We need you to understand.
When you share your pregnancy stories, we may choose to share ours.
Please don’t be uncomfortable.
We were pregnant and for whatever short time, we carried a life in us- a life that meant everything.

We need you to understand.
Pregnancy after miscarriage is not joyous.
We live in constant dread of losing it.
Checking for red marks in the toilet paper is habitual and ultrasounds are reassuring and terrifying.
We aren’t going to breathe until they are physically in our arms.

We need you to understand.
We are everywhere.
Some of us talk about it and others keep it hidden.
No matter how we choose to live with this, we need you to be patient and remind us we can keep going and we will.

We are the 1 in 4.

The worrying never stops.

I assumed nighttime potty training would be filled with constant night wetting and more cleanups than I had bargained for.

But then you just did it.

You picked out your favorite big boy underwear and woke up dry. Then you kept waking up dry.

Your first six days of school were tough during drop off.

I thought you would never get used to it and always have a broken heart to start your day.

But then you stopped.

Now our mornings are filled with a quick happy hug and confidence.

I kept thinking we started a bad habit and you would never sleep in your own bed.

I thought you would never develop good sleeping habits and that will all be on me.

But then I woke up to an empty side of my bed. You opened your bedroom door with the proudest smile.

Mama worries a lot.

But you keep reminding me you are going to be just fine.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

“You attend baby showers and handle announcements with grace, while you silently cry on the inside until you can be alone to truly let it out. Family keeps asking you if and when you plan to have kids. You want to tell them the truth. The truth is, you would love to have kids and are trying with everything in you to make that happen. Instead of correcting them, you politely say when it is meant to be. Why don’t they understand the angst their question causes?”

https://lansing.momcollective.com/an-open-letter-to-the-mama-in-waiting/?fbclid=IwAR1ARXRqPy13PNFmVz7tfUryn5S33JFfGQRUcSpm0HVwFX4gS3NkXOahDNo_aem_AXN5VA2XM5DTPu4UNFG5yizHscNm137ks1JqbKBExubQ3FmU_FROuCHayjIY-bOAxtc

An Open Letter to the Mama in Waiting An open letter to the Mama in waiting. The Mama who yearns to be one but isn't able to yet, this is for you.

My sweet boy, thank you.

Thank you for being my constant calm in all my storms.

Mama was terrified of losing you the entire time. I didn't think it could be real life.

To have you.

To hold you.

But you kept reassuring me along the way. You were here and weren't going anywhere.

For nine months you grew and we would talk.

I told you my fears and you kicked, letting me know I was being silly.

I'd place my hand over you, in awe that you existed.

Mama was damaged. She never thought this, you, would be possible. She didn't think she was capable of this beautiful thing we did.

But we did do it.

Years later. I am still in awe of you, of your existence.

You are here and I am so grateful.

For you, for this life.

My sweet boy.

It’s more than "I love you."

It’s showing up even when you are spent.

Saying "I’m sorry" because you know they need to hear it from you.

Hugging as much as possible because they need the affection, and so do you.

Communicating even when the conversation feels too big to unpack.

Making time for one another a priority.

Holding hands.

Picking up the toys or mowing the lawn because you know how exhausted they are and want to help.

It’s what you do because you made those promises to each other when it was simple.

But now it isn’t so simple with work, kids, obligations, and the rapid speed that is life.

Marriage is more than "I love you."

It’s being better for your person while you both evolve and grow in the life you share.

It isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

There are profound events that happen to us.

They cause a division in time that becomes the before and after.

If we are lucky, most of the events are positive, but we can’t prevent the negative ones from rearing their ugly faces.

Seeing my kid experience a seizure for the first time was one of those ugly events.

Holding your child while their lips turn blue as bubbles come from their mouth making the most terrifying sounds guts you.

You cry out begging them to stay while your chest explodes in panic, because you realize you have no control over what is happening.

This is terrifying for any parent.

There is another component to my story though.

I am a parent who has also experienced infertility and loss.

Ever since my two miraculous boys were born, I felt this sense that they are too good to be true.

There has to be a shoe just waiting to drop.

This notion floods my mind and I have to make a conscious effort to shut it down.

But seeing my baby boy and think he is dying in my arms?

It’s paralyzing.

I have accepted there will always be a before and after.

Nothing will be the same since that awful experience.

I know he is going to be okay.

I will too.

But a part of me was crushed that day and I don’t know that I will ever get that part back.

Infertility and loss does that to you.

But it also makes you appreciate those terrifying miracles that have your whole heart.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

How are we here?

In a few short weeks, your time will be consumed with cubbies, pencils, a new world of learning, and a teacher who will see you for more hours than me.

It's just kindergarten, but it feels like a chapter that goes by so fast while also spanning the most of your childhood years.

When it’s all done you’ll be 18 and I can’t process that right now.

I am not ready and know Mama will have big feelings.

But I also know this is an exciting time for you.

One day you’ll come home so excited to read your first book to me.

You’ll share silly stories of playtime with your best friends.

There will be growing and learning that sets the tone for your bright future.

Will there be hard days?

Of course.

Those hard days will build your resilience while we work through them together.

I just need you to know, before this next phase of life begins, that I love you and will always be right by your side.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

When does infertility stop defining you?

My son was pushing his brother on the swing and asked when he would get another brother.

I told him our family was so lucky and complete with two beautiful boys.

He claimed another brother would be fun.

So of course, I started envisioning a world of three best friends running around and growing up together.

The three musketeers.

Then the guilt sets in.

I look at my oldest son, who at one point in time, I never thought would happen.

He has no idea how much angst, money, and time it took us just to have him - let alone his little brother.

I kept thinking, “Mama’s body doesn’t work that way, darling. I am so sorry.”

My friend is debating having another child.

She got pregnant right away with her first, and her second was conceived two months after her first was born.

Now that her two are growing out of the toddler phase, she is yearning for another baby to hold.

I start picturing myself holding another baby and that fresh scent of diapers and milk consumes me.

Then the terrifying reminder of all my pregnancy losses returns.

Getting pregnant again does not bring me joy. It scares me. It scares me to my core.

Infertility has taken its toll on my journey to be a mom.

But the thing is, I get to be a mom.

There was once a time where I didn’t think that would ever be possible.

The list of people I pray for daily to become parents continues.

Has infertility impacted me? Of course.

But it doesn’t have to define me forever.

There is more to life than one’s ability to have children or not.

So from now on, I am going to try another way to define myself.

Stop striving for perfection.

You try so hard to be everything to everyone.

The perfect wife.

The perfect mother.

The perfect contributor to society.

At what cost?

Perfection doesn’t exist and if you continue to strive for this unobtainable notion, you WILL wear yourself out.

You also will never see what they see.

The partner who sees you wake up early to make sure their breakfast is all laid out before you start your day.

The kids who just had the best morning playing cars in the living room with their mama.

The boss who appreciates your dependability and team-oriented mindset.

Everyone else who knows and appreciates you.

They see it.

They see you.

Take the time to see yourself too.

You are perfect.

Perfectly you.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

Happy World IVF Day ♥️

I am so moved by this day for too many reasons.

Those that pursue this route didn’t just wake up and choose it.

It chose us.

Whether it be because of female or male factor infertility, same-s*x couples, age, or whatever else the reason, it is a long road.

So. Many. Shots.

Literally stabbing your bottom at a Christmas party, hidden in the bathroom.

Hormones that make menopause seem pleasant.

The longing, excitement, hope, debilitating fear, and joy are all consuming.

But the true heroes are these babes.

Many were frozen in time and survived many trips before making it to their mamas.

Those babes are our calming force- reassuring their mamas that they are here and they aren’t going anywhere.

Our forces of nature we never realized we needed so much.

In 1978, a world of possibilities began for us in this club nobody wants to belong to.

Thank you science.

Thank you higher powers that be.

Thank you, to our miraculous IVF babes.



If you have been blessed with IVF or are currently in the process, drop a heart in the comments!

No matter how old your children are, that loss guts you. You may never be the same person you were before, but your love will get you threw it.

July is Bereaved Parents Awareness Month. If you are in this space with me, I am so sorry and sending all my love.

Sometimes the expectations of motherhood feel unrealistic.

Always embrace their big feelings with calm...
How about, strive for your best and apologize when you don’t.

Sleep when the baby sleeps.
Let's try, try to take care of your needs and ask for help.

Breast is best.
Bottle fed is best.
Fed is best.

Actually, Fed. Is. Best.

Working moms have it the hardest.
Stay-at-home moms have it the hardest.
I think we all know, it’s all hard.

My sister had PPD.
Let's actively help.
I’m so sorry. Let me watch the kids for an hour so you can rest.

What can I do for you?
Most moms aren't going to say they need you. How about, I’m dropping off a meal next week.

You need to go on dates and have s*x with your spouse 3-4 times a week.
Let's try, Do what works for your marriage and NEVER STOP TALKING.

Watch how much screen time they get.
Instead, engage with them and give yourself grace when you need a timeout.

Get 7-8 hours of sleep.
That’s funny.

Only feed organic, nutrient enriched meals, and find time to meal prep.
Feed them.

There, that’s better.

I am absolutely bias when it comes to Michigan beaches ♥️

Lansing Mom's Five Favorite Michigan Beaches - Lansing Mom A Michigan Summer and the beach go hand in hand! We've rounded up five of our favorite Michigan Beaches for you to explore this summer.

What happens if the rainbow never comes?

If I am never able to have kids, does that make my life less fulfilled?

You say to never give up like I have a choice in my fate.

Just remember, not everyone who does all the things brings the baby home.

It isn’t in the cards for all of us, and we need to talk about that too.

Raise awareness for those who permanently remain the 1 in 6.

We are more than what our bodies are capable or incapable of doing.

Having children cannot be all there is to have meaning.

Next time you say to not give up, maybe acknowledge this is hard and let me decide what to do about it.

-Jessica Walter, Writer

One I call Dad and one I call by his first name.
They both mean the world to me.

He’s been my dad since day one and even though he and my mom divorced, that didn’t stop us from being close. There were times I would only see him twice a year. Each time I saw him I cried because I didn’t know him,and when he dropped me off, I would cry because I didn’t know when I would see him again. He left his other life in Ohio and moved back to Michigan for me. That was everything. Since then I have always told him everything. We talked guys, friends, school, life, and he would tell me stories and lessons from his life. He gave me an amazing step-mom and sisters I always wanted. He has been my dad through and through. He is irreplaceable.

He’s been a dad to me since I was ten. We took our first trip to Disney because of him. He went to every choir concert, cheerleading match, and basketball game. He had to deal with me during my teen years and it wasn’t pretty. He told my mom, when they first started dating, it wasn’t just him and her, it was us. He showed this and has since then. He is irreplaceable.

They both walked me down the aisle. It wasn’t going to happen any other way. The three of us cried the entire trip down. I hugged my step-dad, then my dad, and went to my husband. At our reception, my dad toasted and thanked my grandparents and step dad for helping raise me and being there. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the room.

It can’t be easy sharing a daughter. I am sure both have had their insecurities with this, but I would never know. All I see is love. Love for me and love for one another. We do family birthdays, holidays, and joint dinners. We are all friends. There is no friction, no silent walls. We are a family.

When I was younger, Father’s Day made me sad. Now when I think of Father’s Day, all I can think of is the love these two have shown me.

Happy Father’s Day to the two dads in my life.

My latest from Lansing Mom ♥️

I am not as fun as I used to be, but you love me anyway.

The endless hours of doing whatever we wanted have been replaced by kids, careers, schedules, and obligations.

I get impatient, but you love me anyway.

Sometimes all it takes is a sock on the floor and I lose my mind. It isn’t the sock. It’s the one million things I just did before seeing the sock that set me over the edge.

I fall asleep early; cutting our time short, but you love me anyway.

The physical and mental tasks took every ounce of my energy - leaving me empty at the end of the day.

I know I am not who I used to be, but you love me anyway.

This life we have built has changed us, but we tackle the ebbs and flows together because that’s what we do.

So thank you for always loving me anyway.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

I waited by the phone, not so patiently waiting for the results. I ignored the nausea I had felt since a few days ago because that gave me hope.

When I saw the results come through, I fell to my knees and cried in your dad’s arms. You were here. You made it.

Now I had to wait 48 hours to make sure my levels doubled. With three prior losses, I had never experienced doubling levels so prayed so hard they would.

48 hours later, they more than doubled and I cried again. You were really happening.

Two weeks later I was to hear your little heartbeat. I googled what could go wrong to prepare myself and said a prayer as I walked in to the examining room.

There you were. This beating, strong heart that screamed, “Mama, I made it!” I had never heard a heartbeat before. Never made it this far. You were real.

Weeks passed and we had the 8 week appointment. I again, prepared myself for the worse. Yet you shined again with that strong heartbeat with little arms and legs, measuring 3 days bigger than you were.

With each passing week, my confidence grew but so did my fear. I never expected this. This fear of the shoe to drop. This terror that you would leave us.

It hasn’t subsided completely, but I have now heard your heartbeat 4 times and we are entering the 2nd trimester.

You are real. You are growing and developing inside me and my love for you is immense.

I love you and know you’re a fighter. You’ve already done so much in your life. You survived being frozen for 4 years, a transfer, and a new home. It’s scary and surreal, but you’ve done it and Mommy and Daddy can’t wait to meet you. Our little warrior.

We’ve got this, little one.

My latest from Lansing Mom

The phrase, “Time is a thief,” is often used when referring to our kids.

While this is painfully true with all things parenthood, what if there is more to it?

We blink and our babies are graduating high school.

But we also blink and we are in our next phase of life. Where did the time go?

By the time we hit 40, we can easily recall being 25 while wondering how the hell we got here.

While there is no cure for this clock that seems to move faster the older we get, we can do something about it.

Don’t wait, Mama.

Life is not going to calm down or get easier for you to do you.

Is there a place you have always wanted to go?

Book a flight.

Do you want to go back to school?

Enroll for the next semester.

Do you wish you saw your friends more?

Schedule that dinner date.

All waiting is going to do is add to your list of regrets.

Don’t let nostalgia be all you have.

Now is the time to start living your life.

- Jessica Walter, Writer

My latest piece from Lansing Mom♥️

Navigating Friendships In Mom Life - Lansing Mom % Navigating friendships in mom life can be difficult. Tips and tricks to creating lasting friendships after becoming a mom.

I saw you were having a day and every part of me wanted to hug you and tell you that I saw you.

You had a list of things to get and your youngest wasn’t having it.

After ten thousand reminders and calm redirects, you picked him up while he kicked and screamed.

You lost your patience and guilt flooded your face instantly.

Looking back, I wish I would have done something.

Anything.

Helped you with your grocery list.

Distracted your kids while you composed yourself.

Gotten you some chocolate and a note that says, “You are amazing.”

I am sorry I didn’t, and promise to do something the next time this happens.

The thing is, there will be a next time.

Parenting children is hard work.

They are complicated blessings that challenge us on the regular.

Solidarity is all we have, and we need to utilize that power.

So because of you, my fellow sister in motherhood, I will do something.

For you, for her, and for the future me who needs this too.

- My latest from

And it feels overwhelming, a lot.

38.

That’s the age I stopped caring what everyone else thought.

Growing up the tall girl was torture.

You stay away from heels and hats- there is no need to draw attention.

So you blend.

And

You

Keep

Blending.

Throughout life, you do whatever it takes to make them all happy.

No matter who they are, you don’t want to cause trouble, so you make sure to keep the peace.

Unhealthy relationships.

Toxic friends.

Disinterested family.

They all get a piece of you.

You keep hearing you’ll get to this point where you don’t care what they think.

So you wait for that to happen and you keep waiting.

Waiting

and waiting

and waiting.

Until you start to see how short life is and can be taken in an instant.

You start to wonder if you would be happy with yourself if you died tomorrow.

The answer makes you stop caring, because this is your life.

Your life.

So you remove the unhealthy and take care of yourself.

Because you know each moment is a gift you intend to appreciate from now on.

You finally realize what they think doesn’t matter.

So you wear the heels and buy that hat you’ve always wanted to rock.

Life is too short for anything less.

Don’t assume you have her figured out.

Her appearances show she has it all together.

Everything is tidy whenever you see her house, even though she’s a working mama with kids.

She plans. She hosts. She coordinates.

All with a smile.

She does playdates. She does date nights. She gives her all at her job.

You wonder what it must be like to do it all.

What about what you don’t see?

You don’t see her anxiety induced heart palpitations.

You don’t get that her planning is her way of having control when everything else feels so chaotic.

You don’t understand that she physically and mentally cannot rest until everything is put away.

You don’t realize she doesn’t want to be this way, but it’s all she knows and what she does to survive.

So next time you think you have her figured out, give her the grace she can’t seem to give herself.

My latest from Lansing Mom ♥️

Prioritizing Family Time Weekends get booked quickly. On Monday, you have a free weekend, and it's completely filled by Wednesday. Try hard to schedule family time once a month. Take an entire weekend and block it off for just you and your family.

I need you to know I pray for your time to come.

I remember dreading each Mother’s Day feeling like it was a whole day to remind me of what I lost and what I didn’t have.

It soon became a holiday I hated.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved going out to lunch with my mom and doing fun mother-daughter things. I just had something missing that I yearned for desperately.

The years compounded and it almost seemed like that day was getting further and further away. That day I would be someone’s mom.

At church they would have all the mother’s stand and it killed me. Should I have stood knowing I was a mother for a brief time? Did it count?

At work flowers would be given to the moms and well wishes for a wonderful Mother’s Day would be sent. I wanted so badly to be in that club.

Then things shifted and it happened. I finally became a mom and got my first mother’s day.

There are no words to articulate how much that first one and each one after has meant, but you already know that.

This isn’t to rub it in your face or be one of those who tells you to be patient because your time will come.

I am here to tell you that the wait hurts more than anyone will understand, but I pray for your time to come.

Until then, take care of yourself. Make this Mother’s Day what you need it to be.

A mama-in-waiting on Mother’s Day is really hard. Just know I see you and am thinking about you.

My latest from Lansing Mom

I recently read about the power of saying "yes" to your kids. The premise was how often as parents we say no. So once in a while, change the narrative to yes and watch the joy ensue.

Everything about this piece was true, but it also got me thinking.

There is a word that we overlook and often never use when it comes to our happiness.

What if we gave saying, “no” a try?

Think about the possibilities this could bring us.

Instead of saying yes to a playdate on an already busy weekend, we can say no and enjoy some low-key family time.

Rather than using all of our hours of the day, we say no to one hour and just be.

You don’t have to attend that function that your friend invited you to.

Your time is precious and the older we get, the more fleeting it feels.

This doesn’t mean turn down every single invitation.

It is simply providing yourself boundaries and balance.

You get to have that.

You deserve that.

- Walter, Writer