Tears Of A Clown

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CHRONIC COMPLEX PTSD
FLASHBACKS
SOCIAL ANXIETY
ISOLATION

There is no shame in getting therapy and you don’t just need therapy when you hit rock bottom. Therapy from a young age allows children to learn coping strategies, an understanding of their feelings and behaviours and at most importantly, they are heard.
My self diagnosis trail has gone from being a worrier, a procrastinator, and lack of self confidence. It was only in 2015 did I actually realise I suffered from anxiety. Then, from 2021 to now, its been diagnosed and confirmed as CCPTSD, Chronic Complex PTSD. Since I wrote my book, I have been able to look back on all the traumatic events throughout my life and I can now see that it was the PTSD growing.
Please don’t self diagnose mental health, seek professional help and get ot right the first time.

Listen to your kids, they need to know they are being heard. Parenting should not be a dictatorship as compromising you all can learn, grow and support each other.
Listen to your other family members, friends and colleagues especially if they are starting to open up to you. By you listening, their healing can begin and you can change their life’s trajectory.

For years, I have not put myself first and
I did not listen to myself even though I heard the screams for help. I tried to guide myself through life the best I could but in truth, I did not know what I was doing.
I fooled myself that I was happy and at peace, nothing could be further from the truth. There are so few moments where I was truly happy and I am sorry that there weren’t more. I’m so sorry that I allowed myself be treated poorly and manipulated. I wish I knew then what I know now, that my gut instinct was right and trust myself to choose the right path. If only my cries for help were listened to, and I was more guided and protected.
I’m sorry that I never allowed myself to reach my true potential because I doubted myself so much.
I am sorry that it has taken until now to recognise the severity of the last 14 years, the threats, the abuse and trauma leading to chronic complex PTSD and isolation.
I wish I could talk to myself 40 years ago and prepare myself for what was to come. To take heed of red flags, give no second chances, walk away and never look back, hold my head up high and believe in the person I knew I was capable of becoming.
I’m sorry for letting myself down, I will strive to learn from all this and to not give up on myself again.

For so many years I felt I got through all the crap I was dealt from 6 years old by sheer resilience. I believed I had dealt with it, and get on with life as I was able to ‘box’ the trauma away. I now see I was so wrong..

More needs to be spoken about the effects PTSD has on our bodies and minds. Resilience and courage does not mean we are not hurting. PTSD can affect our decisions and actions throughout our lives, and also our relationships with partners, family, friends and colleagues. It can also affect financial stability and communication. Tears Of A Clown: My Story Of Domestic Violence

Tears Of A Clown: My Story Of Domestic Violence Leena Derham’s family unit as a child was far from ideal, and her dream was to create and build a happy, loving and secure family. In her 30s, Leena met Tom on a dating website. He ticked all her boxes. Fast forward twelve months and Tom and Leena are living together. But Leena keeps noticing red....

Tears Of A Clown: My Story Of...

Tears Of A Clown: My Story Of Domestic Violence Leena Derham’s family unit as a child was far from ideal, and her dream was to create and build a happy, loving and secure family. In her 30s, Leena met Tom on a dating website. He ticked all her boxes. Fast forward twelve months and Tom and Leena are living together. But Leena keeps noticing red....

I Lost My Voice At The Beginning, During and The End Of Our Relationship.

He Left Not Only Me But The Children With So Many Questions That Will Never Be Answered

I Kept Silent For Too Long.

My Voice Is Desperate To Be Heard.

Tears Of A Clown: My Story Of Domestic Violence https://amzn.eu/d/g8gPZx1

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYXGXhrj/

Leena on TikTok I want to share with you my story in the hope it may help you or someone you know. Please clink on link to purchase my book Tears Of A Clown: My Story Of Domestic Violence https://amzn.eu/d/7n0s4a6 Tears Of A Clown: My Story Of Domestic Violence https://amzn.eu/d/hvWWnth ...

Chronic PTSD…It controls nearly every aspect of my life…every.day…every.night.

I have spent a majority of my life picking myself up and brushing myself off, but I just can’t do it anymore.

I have tried and tried.

I so wanted this book of mine to help others as well as help me and my family heal.

I have social and social media anxiety on a huge scale, which makes marketing and selling very difficult for me.

Last Sunday, I had booked and reserved a stall at a big market, but I had a panic attack and there was no way I could make it.

There’s that small part of the old me that believes I can but the truth of the matter is Chronic PTSD is so debilitating, crippling and controlling.

If you would like to purchase the book, please contact me either via messenger or email [email protected]

Thank you so much for your support x

Social Media is the root cause for the destruction and demise of so many lives.

People are called out for parking in the wrong spot, recorded for doing something in public, businesses not delivering to expectations, family/friends issues etc…etc…

I have been subjected to this in the worst way and the only purpose was to cause destruction in the highest, and as much as I hate to admit it, it worked.

I hate Social Media.

The only way I can get my story out is by hiding behind a pseudonym.

My story is not about calling someone out, I just wanted my side of the story to be told yet still protect the innocent and maintain privacy as much as possible.

There is so much freedom to expose someone, it’s anxiety provoking, more so when you have been the victim of online hate and abuse.

Sometimes your ‘valued opinion’ is not as valued as you think, so think twice before commenting, posting anything on Social Media. The damage you can cause could be irreparable, destructive and bullish.

Another year gone and another about to start.

I don’t believe in making a new years resolution but I do believe in fresh starts and new beginnings.

I hope you all make the effort to put yourself first and take note of the red flags.

Happiness is a goal worth fighting for especially when you are fighting those inner demons and second guessing yourself.

Listen to YOU!

Happy New Years!!

Every day I relive elements of that dream that once was and more so now, the nightmare.
I do not feel I have survived, I struggle to survive and get through each day.
I no longer believe in dreams and can’t look forward to anything anymore.
I strive and yearn for peace, that is my goal although it still seems so far away, beyond reach most of the time.
Never have I felt so fragile, so mistrusting, so scared and hopeless, yet having to maintain the facade of being strong and in control.
It’s exhausting, yet I cannot sleep or feel rested.
My tank is empty and my mind is full
I hate this nightmare that is so relentless and unforgiving.

He vowed to destroy me for years, and with each vow he promised me, I felt myself break inside.

I did everything I could do to prevent this, but nothing to prepare myself if he made his vow come true.

As much as I don’t want him to win, and I fight to put one step in front of the other every day, it’s like he still has this control over me.

I just want to breathe..

I just want peace so badly..

The all too often battle those abused face is still the want to protect their abuser and this is very common.

You can’t stop this from happening.

Everyone is an expert and most feel their opinions need to be heard.

They may take the side of your abuser from what they have seen and/or heard.

They don’t realise that have been manipulated by the very same abuser to believe and to see what he/she wants you to believe or see.

So it would be futile to try and convince them otherwise so let them try and fill in the gaps, and stick to your truth.

You were a constant in so many lives and for so long.

You will be missed by so many that you knew and didn’t know.

Thank you for your inspiration, being there with us through many tough times, and for your service…we celebrate you!

God Bless you Ma’am… What a life you have had!

Fly high our Queen Elizabeth ll - 1926 to 2022

Some may offer to help and support you.

Some actually do help and support you, never forget them.

Some don’t, and that’s ok, never forget them.

Those of us that have been through relationship abuse may smile and laugh with you, allow you into our lives and share parts of our story with you…

BUT…

We smile and laugh with pain in our hearts and anxious thoughts racing through our mind.

You have not yet fully earned our friendship or loyalty, we are cautious and sceptical of everyone.

Although we have shared parts of our story, this doesn’t mean we trust you because our trust in people is now so rare and most valuable, we don’t give it away that easily.

I've just reached 2K followers! Thank you for continuing support. I could never have made it without each and every one of you. 🙏🤗🎉

Exactly!

Available from online bookstores in hard copy or kindle

Please help change the world of Domestic Violence.

It’s everywhere - Physical, Financial, Emotional and Verbal Abuse.

Once you know the signs, like I do now, changes for the good will happen!

Buy them for your friends, colleagues, associates, gym buddies, beauticians etc,

YOU can help.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

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The reality of what we have gone through is starting to really set in and it’s frightening.

Since being home, life has started to slow down a little bit, which is good in some ways but not in others.

As the barriers start to come down, the reality of the pain and loss over the years is rising to the surface.

Part of me wants to push those barriers back up and keep myself busy, but It’s not sustainable anymore.

I am grieving for so many things, not only for me but for my children. They feed off me, they watch how I cope and deal with things. I am scared to release the overwhelming sense of sadness for fear I may not be able to stop.

I have such a responsibility on my shoulders to raise my children in a warm, safe and loving environment without their Dad. I know they miss him every day, they are missing so much of what they left behind and lost.

Our healing has begun but it’s only when we are still do we realise just how much healing we all have to do.

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If you require multiple copies, please email me at [email protected]

Books are also available on AMAZON worldwide

Thank you for your support 🤗

Hello everyone,

Would you be able to find out if your local bookstore would be interested in selling my book please?

If you’re passing by the bookshop or know of anyone who would have a contact, please could you pass on my email address - [email protected] or they can message me via this page.

Time to get to work and get the messages out there.

Thank you so much 🤗

It’s been a mad few months getting everything sorted out with the move. How I did it I don’t honestly know but I did.

Feels so good to be home, almost like I never left. If it wasn’t for the kids, I would wish I hadn’t.

It’s only been a few weeks so still very new. I still feel I can’t start living a normal life, that it’s ok to go where we want and not face our demons, but I am heading in the right direction now.

The PTSD and the panic attacks are still ever present but taking it day by day.

My update -

I have been struggling to manage my PTSD and anxiety to the point where I have not been able to at times, see people, answer and make phone calls and deal with certain situations.

So, I have had to make some difficult decisions and deal with sh*tty circumstances over the last six months.

Enough is enough, I have to put my family and myself first.

Next week, we travel home to the UK, to reset, heal and recover from all the trauma we have faced and dealt with, and continue to deal with.

Not a day goes by where I am not triggered.

It’s like little shocks to remind of what was.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to be free.

I was told only last week that my recovery will take approximately five years.

Five years….that’s a prison sentence. Stuck in a room reliving the crime…every day.

https://duffythewriterblog.com/book-blast-tears-of-a-clown-a-domestic-abuse-story/

Book Blast! Tears of A Clown - A domestic abuse story - Duffy The Writer Part memoir, part self-help, Tears of a Clown has lessons for us all, whether we are a victim of domestic violence or someone who can recognise the signs and report the abuse.