Partnering with Parents at MCC

Thankfulness is Like a Cup of Coffee! - Thriving Kids Connection One of the solutions kids need for life is thankfulness. A great way to start is with the example of their parents. Here's Lisa's story.

The Need for Parenting Shifts - Thriving Kids Connection Bobby is twelve years old. All of a sudden he’s resisting Mom at every turn. Her instructions lead to debates and arguing. Bobby used to be so pleasant and cooperative, but now the tension in their home is growing. Something needs to be done. But...

Pure Lives

By: James Dobson

They kept themselves pure.
Revelation 14:4

There is no question that God intends for parents to raise children that are “self-controlled and pure” (Titus 2:5). But in an age where “safe s*x” is preached with evangelistic fervor by the entertainment industry, the media, and even some leaders in government, we must do everything in our power to counteract these negative influences. The stakes are too high to do otherwise.

Here’s one idea you might try. Years ago, when our daughter, Danae, was a pr***en, we presented her with a small gold key. It was attached to a chain worn around her neck and represented the key to her heart. She made a vow then to give that key to one man only—the one who would share her love through the remainder of her life. In a similar way, you could present a special ring to your son. These symbols provide tangible reminders of the lasting, precious gifts of abstinence until marriage and fidelity to a mate for life.

You may think of other ways to encourage your kids to live pure lives. Whatever you choose, we recommend that you act today. In our immoral society, an adolescent who receives the active support of his or her family is much more likely to succeed in living a moral life.

Before you say good night…
• How are your kids doing in resisting the immoral messages in our culture?
• What new ideas could you implement this week to counteract those messages?

Lord, help us to open our eyes to the struggles our children face, and then to find new and creative ways to help them stay pure. We pray tonight that You will grant them pure hearts and minds, protecting them from every immoral influence. Amen.

One Marble At A Time

Posted by Autumn Ward

So I’ve started this blog post like 14 different ways (not exaggerating). It just might be the most challenging one yet. Once you know what it’s about maybe you’ll understand why.

I’ve been told there are 936 weeks in the life of a child from birth to 18. We have a visual for those weeks here at Orange in the form of a jar filled with 936 marbles. The idea is that when you count the weeks you have left with a kid, you stand a better chance of making your weeks count. ClickToTweet As you take one marble out of the jar each week, the marbles begin going down, you see what you have left… you get the idea.

I have 3 kids and the jar of my first-born has 4 marbles in it.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Four marbles.
A cap and gown.
A prom tux.
Graduation announcements . . .

All reminders that there’s not much time left before the infant that entered my home 18 years ago will soon be leaving as a man.

It’s not that I’m sad really. I imagine I’m feeling close to what a person feels like when . . .
a great life work is coming to a close.
the company that was once a dream is now making a profit.
the book has been written and the first copy is in-hand.
a doctorate is framed and hung on the wall.

These are dreams placed in someone’s heart that they . . .
acted on,
poured their life into,
made their biggest investments in,
and waited years for a return that was never guaranteed.

Dreams this big leave you totally depleted and yet full in the most satisfying way.

It’s your passion.
It’s what you sacrifice for.
It’s what keeps you up at night.
It’s what drives you in every decision you make.
It’s what will take you to the edge of sanity and make you question why God ever thought you could do this.

It will expose every flaw you possess and bring out heroic qualities you never imagined lived within you.

That’s what parenting—and my family—has been for me. It will forever be my greatest life work.

It makes me want to cry and cheer all at the same time when I look at my son. Being his mom and getting to be a part of him becoming who he is today has been the most amazing experience. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I want to shout, “I did it! I did it! Look what God used me to do! Look at my son! He’s amazing!” (cue the band, parade and confetti)

Looking back, I can’t even begin to tell you where all of my 936 marbles went.

Some were spent sitting in a rocking chair just staring at his infant face.
Others looking for Blue’s Clues,
putting Transformers together,
listening to him read his first book to me,
eating lunch with him at school,
going on all those field trips,
shopping for cool shirts.
talking about girls,
talking about God,
helping him recover from his first broken heart,
letting him chauffeur me around,
taking selfies together,
getting ready for prom . . .

It’s worth pointing out that when I look back, it’s not the “big” moments that I remember most. It’s the smaller everyday moments that stand out. I truly believe the best way to spend your marbles is by simply making yourself available.

It’s making the most of the drive to practice. Eating dinner together with no electronic devices. Helping with homework. Playing in the yard. Hosting sleepovers and listening to their stories.

We will always be our children’s parents. But things change when they move away. My son will be going away to college soon, He’ll be out on his own, putting to use the years he has spent under our influence. We had our eighteen years, and now it’s time for him to go and be all that God made him to be. After all, that was the plan all along.

God used us to help an infant become a man. And not just any man. An amazing man who loves God and loves people. This was the hope—our end in mind—that guided our choices as we spent our marbles. It’s what helped us stay focused.

Listen, parenting is hard. It is a culmination of your worst and best moments. One day you’re speaking wisdom in love and the next you’re yelling in anger. Some of your marbles will be spent restoring a relationship while others will be simply playing in a sandbox. Both are needed.

The point is to imagine the end, and make the 936 weeks you have with your child count. Because I’m telling you, it will feel like there’s a hole in the bottom of your jar, but there’s not. Time just really does go by that fast, and before you know it you’ll look over and see 4 marbles sitting there.

Now, go be an amazing parent. You’ve got this! One marble at a time.

Parenting Tip

Building Character in the Small Things

There's more to giving instructions than just accomplishing tasks or getting children to do what parents say for the sake of convenience. Valuable lessons for life are hidden within the instruction process. Through instruction, children learn character and skills that will help them to be successful outside the home. They learn things like how to set aside their agenda for someone else, how to complete a job without Mom or Dad reminding them, how to report back when they're done, and how to be responsible when no one is watching.

Most importantly, children learn to respond to Mom and Dad so that they will have the necessary character to obey God as they grow older. Maybe that's why Solomon talks fifteen times in the book of Proverbs about the importance of listening to instructions. As you concentrate on a routine for giving instructions, you will pave the way for healthy spiritual relationships between your children and God.

By teaching children to follow directions you help them develop the character they need to listen to God's instructions and obey him. It's a lot of work but the time you invest now has benefits that will last a lifetime. After all, as adults, we must also comply with instructions that we don't particularly like. Sometimes God asks us to do something we don't fully understand or wish we didn't have to do. Obedience usually requires work, self-discipline, and humility, qualities not easily found in society today.

The instruction process builds character by helping children learn to follow directions without arguing or complaining. When parents give up on giving instructions, they miss valuable teaching opportunities. That doesn't mean parents should just overpower their kids. If you work to implement an instruction routine, both you and your kids will benefit. The ramifications are important because as you do the daily work of parenting, your children are learning how to respond not only to you, but also to their future employers, team leaders, and ultimately to God.

Practicing Servanthood at Christmas

Sometimes children believe that the whole world revolves around them. Parents, because they enjoy caring for their kids, may at times contribute to a child-centered mentality and unknowingly reinforce this misconception. Children then get the impression that parents, siblings, and even the family pets are there simply to make them happy. The result is demandingness and an unpleasant attitude.

One of the ways to counteract this tendency is to teach children to be servants and Christmas is a great time to practice. Planning and giving gifts, preparing food treats for others, setting the table, and cleaning up Christmas messes are all ways to demonstrate servanthood. You might have your children take turns giving out the gifts that are under the tree instead of just finding their own to open.

Practical Ways to Serve
Listening to others, watching family members open gifts, saying thank you, sharing, and looking for ways to help are all ideas for kids to demonstrate a servant attitude at Christmastime.

Use the word "servant" and teach children about its positive meaning in life. Talk about how being a servant is really a gift to others. After all, Jesus became a servant by becoming a man and coming to earth as our Savior (Philippians 2:5).

Imagine the End :: 5 Choices We’re Glad We Made

Posted by Autumn Ward

If you were asked to share with a group of parents things you’re glad you did as you were raising your kids, what would you say? My husband and I were given this opportunity recently at our church. Over the next five posts, I want to share with you the five choices we’re glad we made.

If we had to go all the way back to the beginning – 20 years ago – and start over, here’s the first thing we would without a doubt choose to do again.

We would Imagine the End, again.

When I was pregnant with our first child, I can remember a parenting mentor giving me a book called A Mother’s Heart by Jean Fleming. I can still remember what impressed me most about this book because it changed everything for me. The author did a wonderful job helping me see beyond my present moment and develop a vision for where I wanted to go. Here at Orange we call this “Imagine the End.” It’s one of our 5 Parent Cue Principles. Basically, Imagine the End is what we see when we imagine our kids at their high school graduation. What does a “win” look like when we look that far down the road? What will be most important?

The truth is, everything can’t be the most important. There will be lots and lots of important things in your parenting journey but only a few can be most important. When we try to do it all then nothing becomes important. No, the title of most important is reserved for one goal, one vision, one end in mind. It will be what guides your choices, trumps the other important things when you have to choose, and serve as your anchor when you start to drift.

My husband and I decided that when we imagined our kids beginning their adult journey, the most important thing was for them to “Love God. Love people.” Sports would be important. Academics would be important. Family and friends would be important. But loving God and loving people – that would be the most important.

We did two things to remind us what was most important:
•We had the words “Love God. Love people.” painted on a wood sign for all to see. It still hangs over our front door to this day.
•These words became how we said “good-bye” as the kids got out of the car every morning for school. I would say, “Love God” and they would say, “Love people.” We still say it as they’re driving off in their own cars.

We wanted to remind ourselves daily what is most important for two reasons:
•To guide us as parents to make decisions that would help us reach our goal.
•To help our kids grow up knowing what was most important.

The words “Love God. Love people.” have been repeated in our home countless times over the years.

They are our counsel when decisions need to be made about how to respond to hurt, disappointment, social and cultural pressures, and competing priorities.

They still serve as encouragement every time we begin doubting our purpose as parents or when those negative feelings of, “what am I doing” or “I’m a failure” begin creeping up.

For example, when our son was in middle school, he tried out for the basketball team and had worked hard the weeks leading up to tryouts. He piled into the gym after school for the three-day tryout process along with all the other middle school hopefuls. He was a pretty good ball player. But tryouts came and went, and he did not make the team.

The disappointment was real.
His heart was crushed.
The temptation to try and change the situation and manipulate the outcome was there.
The choice of how to respond had to be decided.

Do we talk to the coach?
Do we get mad?
Do we defend our son?
Do we claim it wasn’t fair?

Because of what we had decided was most important years ago, we (son included) chose to do whatever would demonstrate love for God and love for people.

Our son decided to be the team manager.
He went to every practice and every game.
He made sure all the water bottles were full.
He cheered for the guys on the court.
He gave them towels and water as they came to the bench.
And he did it all with a great attitude.

We never talked to the coach.
Never asked why he didn’t make the team.
Never complained or said it wasn’t fair.

Instead, we encouraged our son to serve others.
Cheer for others.
Celebrate others.
Love others.

Having the end in mind to love God and love people is what helped us see that through. And just as important, it’s what helped our son make a choice that left him feeling successful during what could have been a time of feeling like a failure.

Having an end in mind has also given us a clear, understandable way to explain to our kids our reasoning behind the decisions we make. Eventually, every kid begins asking, “why” when they don’t agree with us as parents. Our end in mind gives us an answer to their “why” and helps us stay consistent in how we make decisions – everything from obeying authority to how we spend money to dating. It all goes back to “Love God. Love people.”

Imagining where you want to go as a parent – where you want to end up – is so important. And the great news is, every parent, no matter where you are now or how your parents raised you, can do this.

The days, weeks and years in front of you are a clean slate.
An unwritten script.
A story that you have a huge part in writing.
When you fast forward to your child’s high school graduation, what do you want most for them? What reminder can you put in front of your family today to help you remember where you’re going?

5 Ways to Help Teens Deal with Life When They Feel Stuck

by Dr. Chinwé Williams

We’ve all been there. We all have encountered struggles that felt bigger than us. And we all develop our own ways of managing emotional pain, shame, and regret. When faced with difficult circumstances, it is very normal to look for ways to cope.

Over the years, parents have verbalized their uncertainty with how best to assist their teen with effectively managing the ups and downs of life. There’s no simple response. Quite frankly, as a therapist who frequently works with adolescents, I get it. Being a teen today is tough. Teens face increasing expectations: managing multiple schedules, demanding academic loads, and competitive extracurricular activities. And above all, discovering who they are and how they fit in with their peer group and the larger world. All of which can and do cause internal pressure.

Some teens are able to successfully navigate these waters. Others may fail or buckle under the pressure. It is a normal human experience to want to escape reality.

It’s actually a great idea to take a break, decompress for a few hours in order to allow your brain to reboot and refocus. Attending a concert with friends, listening to music, going for a hike, laughing at a hilarious comedy are examples of healthy ways to take your mind off a stressful day. However, what happens when distraction morphs into something that is not so healthy? And perhaps even destructive?

Harmless distraction can often lead to prolonged engagement in activities such as video gaming, internet shopping, hours on Instagram or Snapchat, and let’s not forget the widely popular Netflix binging sessions—which wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t coincide with finals week. And then there are the extreme situations when a teen begins experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and s*x to numb complicated feelings.

When any of these behaviors become a way to DISTRACT, NUMB or AVOID facing hard circumstances or allowing people to see our real selves, it can lead to feeling stuck and disconnected, causing one to spiral into more destructive behavior.

What is the remedy for stuck-ness and disconnection? Engagement. As a therapist, I love introducing my teenage clients to creative strategies to address problems that appear insurmountable. Yes, that sometimes means embracing a new challenge or even doing something they dislike— like confronting the real issues. The more we can teach our children to deal with (and not run away from) life’s challenges, the better they can realize their own unique capabilities which fosters resilience and a sense of autonomy.

Parents’ task in helping avoidant teens is complicated by the contradictory impulses of teens. They want us around, and at the same time, want us to go far away. However, the research is clear: Parents are powerful pillars of influence in their teens’ lives!

Below are five ways that can help you recognize when your teen may be feeling stuck and ways you can help them pull the plug and get un-stuck.

1. Watch for warning signs

Some “stuck”teens will display difficulty concentrating and low motivation. They may be irritable, negative, easily frustrated or prone to outbursts. Some overachieving “stuck” teens may be highly sensitive to criticism and begin to withdraw from family and friends. Since some of these signs are a part of normal adolescent development, it is important to note what appears to be a change from your teen’s typical pattern of behavior.

2. Initiate the conversation

Demonstrate casual interest by asking questions and reflecting back on what you’ve heard. Teens can tell the difference between questions that show interest and ones that simply appear nosy. Be present but not intrusive. One conversation starter may be: “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. I know that you want to do well (in school/sports/making friends) so I am sure that you might feel some pressure sometimes. You are not alone. I’m open if you ever want to talk about it.” Your teen may not open up initially. The key is making yourself available for when they’re ready.

3. Be open

Sharing your struggles with distraction, numbing, and avoidance may help your teen better cope with their own experience. For many parents, the thought of disclosing their own teenage antics is a nightmarish proposition. However, research suggests that parents who have an open, warm, and nurturing relationship with their children can help them to buffer stresses that can otherwise be destructive. Your teen may not show deep interest or ask many questions. Don’t worry, they are listening.

4. Stay tuned in

As a therapist, I can’t emphasize how important it is to plug into your teen. What does that mean? Get to know their musical taste, favorite artists, even purchases. Know the names of their friends and even their enemies. Regarding social media, I am an advocate of intermittent parental monitoring. This one is tricky; teens also need some degree of privacy. But it is a parent’s responsibility to know what is going on. The content you discover may clue you into ways to better connect with your child. Or, alert you to signs of stress. As parents, we must plug into this important aspect of teen social life. Don’t tell my teens I said that.

5. Seek Professional help

Part of our job as parents is to help our children find resources to be successful. That can include a school counselor, therapist, or trusted church leader. Remember that there are many avoidant behaviors that are simply a part of adolescence. It is helpful to consult with a professional who can assess the severity and offer assistance. One technique that I like to teach is mindfulness. Mindfulness is ideal for decreasing distressful thoughts. The ability to disrupt a cycle of negative thinking is crucial for optimal mental health and can help teens to “plug-in” in order to get “un-stuck.”

Whether or not they tell you or show you, your teen values your engagement. What are some ways that you can plug into your teen this week?

You Bet Life Isn’t Fair, Kid!

Posted by Carey Nieuwhof

Your kids have likely screamed 862 different versions of “That’s not fair!!!!” from their small lungs before their fifth birthday.

Whether it’s a hug you gave her sister but not her, why her friend could get a new Elsa doll but she couldn’t, or why the other kids always seem to get more Lego than your son . . . kids have an inherent radar for fair, which usually means even. Which can also mean “I got a little more.” (Why is it only unfair if they got more than you did????)

And we haven’t even gotten to dessert yet.

I remember watching my mom as a kid as she doled out scoops of ice-cream, watching like a hawk to make sure mine was at least as big (if not bigger) than my sisters. Even the good folks at Dairy Queen got the stink eye from my ten-year-old self if my cone ended up smaller than it should have been.

Navigating fairness was doubly fun when I became a parent.

Fortunately, my wife Toni brought a parlour trick with her from her family of origin. Rather than having a parent cut the cake or pie or scoop the ice cream, as soon as my kids were old enough, my amazingly sharp wife would select one of our kids to dole out dessert.

This was the rule: One child picks; the other chooses.

Brilliant.

The incentive to measure out exact portions in that scenario is through the ROOF! You would think my eight-year-old kids were measuring dessert by the microgram the way they made sure that each piece was exactly the same. Talk about an incentive to be fair.

If only life was that easy. But it’s not.

Fairness in life does not mean we all get the same sized slice of the pie. Real life means sometimes we get more pie than we should and other times we get zero.

Reality means sometimes you hustle hard and don’t get the summer job when your lazy classmate did. Life means sometimes you study your brains out and you still don’t get an A.

We still pay attention to how dessert gets doled out at our house, but as our kids got older we realized that there was absolutely no way to shield them from the reality that life isn’t fair.

Often our sense of fairness gets violated because we don’t like the result. She did get more than me. He got rewarded when I didn’t.
Adults who feel cheated often develop some downright unattractive attitudes: they feel entitled; they get angry and they walk through life with chips on their shoulders. Not exactly the kind of human beings you want to raise.

Just watch any parent who walks into a classroom or principal’s office demanding that their somewhat undeserving child get the marks/recognition/results the entitled parent believes they’re owed. Not healthy for anyone.

So as our kids got older, I started to tell them outright that life isn’t fair. That sometimes people get things they don’t deserve and that the people who should have seen something come their way sometimes don’t.

Perhaps the biggest shift I encouraged our kids to make was this: stop focusing on the outcome and start focusing on the process:

Study hard.
Be generous.
Be kind.
Hustle.
Conduct yourself in a way that you’ll be proud of years later.
And don’t worry about the results. Leave those to God.

You know what happens when you do those things? You find peace.

Sure, there’s a little disappointment if you didn’t make an A, or if you didn’t make the team, but in the chalk talk afterward, simply ask: Did you do your best? If the answer is yes, then we’re just incredibly proud of you. If you didn’t do your best, hustle harder next time, because life isn’t fair. And you can’t control that. Just do your best and work your heart out.

It’s funny…but when you focus on the process—what you put in to something—you often end up more satisfied with the results—what you get out of something.

Plus, you actually tend to do better when you adopt those attitudes because you brought your best without any expectation of reward.

Guess what kids? Life isn’t fair.

But that doesn’t mean life isn’t good.

Do your best. Be kind. Be generous. Hustle hard. You’ll be so thankful you did, regardless of how it all turns out.

School: Adjusting to a Bigger World

Posted by Sarah Anderson

I was never a big fan of the baby stage. Too much guesswork over what the baby really needs and why he’s crying. But the toddler to preschool age is my jam. Personalities begin to emerge, conversations begin to take place, and little people begin to evolve right before your very eyes.

And then they go to school. And the totality of influence you used to have is slighted. Now there are teachers—in Homeroom, PE, Music, Computer, and Spanish. There are new friends. And these little people you at least had the illusion of complete influence and control come home saying things and doing things and repeating things you never heard or saw before. Not necessarily bad, but different.

And I find myself repeating, “Who says that? Who does that? Where did you hear that?”

When our kids go to school it creates a sort of identity crisis for us as parents, but as I’m listening to the things I hear Asher say, and observe the new things he has begun to do, I’m realizing this is as much an identity crisis for him as it is for me.

Going to school is making our kids’ worlds larger than it has ever been. And whether they can vocalize it or not, it is disorienting. It is overwhelming. It can make them feel like they’ve lost their bearings. They’re trying on new words, phrases and behaviors, searching for who they are as individuals, but also who they are and how they rank in the world around them. And that can make parents feel disoriented and overwhelmed—like we too have lost our bearings.

So what do we do?

Pulling our kids out of school and living on a self-contained commune with no interaction or influence with the outside world is not an option for us. But trust me when I say, I’ve considered it.

I think it comes down to doing these three things:

1. Ask great questions: When kids go off to school, it can be tempting to feel a weight of responsibility lifted. (I know because I feel it.) For those eight hours, someone else is in charge. But that just means we have to get even better at finding out what’s happening when we aren’t around. Not by drilling, poking or prodding. But with curiosity. And tone is everything. Are we accusatory, or curious? Are we judging them—and their friends—in our questions, or simply trying to learn more about the world that doesn’t include us as completely as it once did?

2. Pay close attention: Make the effort to be as involved as you can. Volunteer in the classroom, on the sports teams, come in and have lunch. Be an observer of their new world so you can pick up on the dynamics happening in and around the school and your child they may not necessarily be as in tune to. When you have a better idea of the bigger picture, you’ll be able to parent accordingly.

3. Up the cheerleading: Let’s be honest. The world is brutal. Sometimes the messages our kids receive outside of our care hurt. They feel like they don’t measure up, like they don’t have good enough friends, like they can’t quite fit, like they aren’t the best at anything. And this can break a parent’s heart. How do we even begin to parent our kids out of or through this? As tempting as it can be, the best option isn’t to simply tell them the opposite.
“I feel like I don’t have any friends.” “You have plenty of friends!!!!”
We need to make positive and intentional deposits of encouragement that are not reactive, but proactive. When they feel like they don’t have friends, we comfort them and console them. And then we catch them being a good friend to their brother or sister, or being kind or compassionate to us and call them on it. “I love how thoughtful you were to clean your room without asking. That’s something I’ve noticed in you. Your ability to see something that needs to get done and then doing it for someone is such a good quality to have.”

I used to be under the impression that the most labor-intensive years were the early ones. And to a degree, they are. But the years following are labor intensive too—in a different way. And if we aren’t careful, we’ll confuse different work to mean lack of work and miss out on walking our kids through some challenging phases—phases they need us for, even if they can’t vocalize it.

As our kids change, let’s commit to changing with them, meeting them where they are, and walking through whatever comes next, together.