The Lines That We Can't Erase

Facing the silence of an image hanged in the wall. Wondering. Does the painter of this realistic abstracts felt melancholy the moment he lay his brushes into the empty canvas? I wonder, does his emotions brought him into azure ideas or the people who surrounds him? There are unsaid lines and colors crashing into the picture. Mixed and unseen feelings covered with unidentified shades. Flooding hues were painted that only a person who feel the same way could understand. This ain't look distraction to me, it feels comfort. It's something that connects me the reason why I step and stopped to mesmerize and glared at it.

The relation of my missing pieces.

-Augustus // I am sadness

I can't stop glancing the moment I saw every drop of rain running through my window. The terrific thunders from the outside terrifies me. Ironically, I felt serenity with its sounds. Its as if I am facing a racing--- a very dangerous racing that ended up having deep wounds all over my body but still able to accept all the aches because it was part of the game. To accept reality, that you didn't won the challenge. That you didn't reach the trophy. And suddenly I was back from my senses----and saw the running raindrops from my window, and formed a grin.

-augustus // acceptance

That's the thing about me; being in love with someone. I always end up leaving them, push them away like a hated monster. Make them feel that I don't need them, like a useless furniture . And even claim to self that your love won't last, that it will fade, like a vanishing thick clouds in the sky. Leaving without explanations and unsettled questions. But then it happens, that they are not the one who was hurting--- I was. I am really the author of my trouble.

That's the thing about me being in love with someone----
I cared for them like they are my precious vases. Understand them like an abstract painting. Love them like my favorite weather. Thought of them like a missing words. But break them like an unfixed broken glass. Leave them like an uncontrolled brushes. Hate them like a storm and terrific thunders. Loathe them like a wounded paragraphs. But, unfortunately, I was behind when the glass was messed. I was the writer with trembling hands. I was the rain who shouted too much. And I was the grieving pen that lead my words into sadness.

I can't risk the feeling I'm going to feel when your two both eyes were crying endlessly because I stab your heart multiple times. I can't risk the feeling when the moment I caress your face and it was full of melancholy--- its going to break my heart too. I might hurt your heart for not forgiving the things I hate about my emotions. I might throw words that tires you from listening. I might do actions that will lead you from leaving. That's why before it happens, I will leave a mark and a small scar that will regret you from having it. Before it will create a heavy damage to your heart that will mourn you to death.

-augustus// me being in love

There is one thing I hate asking about myself; what are you scared of? Some people will find it as a ridiculous question. And apparently they answers spiders, frogs, snakes and all the scary creatures alive. But for me it wasn't. Maybe I was scared to them but not as scared as what the surroundings will do to me. And it frightens me. Everytime I heard that question, answers will come flooding in, and what's worse is the answers were always repeated. One word, exactly. Forgotten. I really loathed hearing that. I hate being forgotten because every time I feel that I am, I just let myself endure it and let it pass. And then, I will get used it, until I disgust you for coming back. That's how it should be right? After leaving you behind and then realization nails you, you then decided to come back? How awful.
I will then, treat you as a person that never existed in my life. See? I even hated myself for doing that. Its making me evil. And its more scarier.

-august// scared to be lonely

Eyes that divulged pure innocence.
Her mind and soul were devout.
But the feelings never lied and always doubt.

Hiding in the shadows,
With darkness wreathe in her body
With only the light of the lamp that shows.

Tears starting to subside, blurring her finally delicate eyes,
Witnessing the cruel world and thought that it wasn't nice.
She cut the sleepless night and face the world who was weigh from all the lies.

-Augustus// a woman with closed-eyes

It was cold Saturday night, when I finally touch your tempestuous hands. And holding it intimidates me. I finally saw how you perfectly smiles. And witnessing it makes me shiver. Your eyes were gleaming. Your voice was like thunders. And hearing it melts me. I finally saw how broad your shoulders are. I finally heard the sound of your laughter that I feel like listening to music and how clingy you are. How you treat me like I am a younger sister which I hated the most. You can't stop squeezing my cheeks and staring at my eyes. It was far from what I've expected. I thought you are some sort of quiet young boy and the usual random guys. But your way is different, even though it was the first time we faced each other, but you were confident and your little enthusiasm was completely obvious. Really. But don't worry, you look lovely.

I intentionally spotted how you maneuvered your self depending to the person who's in front of you. That behind your stormy aura you'll able to make someone feel comfortable--- except me.
I can't even deny that you're so cute when you grinned while your eyes are cannot be seen. And that's the evident. And the day you finally told me about how stubborn I was. Because you used to scold me through chats and now I can see and hear it. My hands was trembling, and so my heart. I beamed and suddenly it hits me. Is this really happening? What could be the exchange after seeing your comforting smiles? Should I be left again? Because I can see the answers clearly into your eyes. I know there is something behind those gleaming stars---and finally you said it. There was a reason why you wanted to meet me. It was my decision, actually. To explain everything, to help you explain the unsettled questions and that's it! You are leaving. Your way of explaining was much deceiving, that's why I am letting you go. And you keep insisting just to stay, and told me that you only have me. But, no. You should go. Because after all, you weren't the stars I was wishing for, but the moon I keep on looking

-august

Upon gazing the fascinating and romantic moonlight and starlights above... I remember you.
They were like your glistening eyes. Romantic as your gestures and images I always picture out whenever I remember you. A moon who conquered the sky. Flawed but still looks perfect. And the fact that my legs are trembling looking that beautiful creature I am watching right now, is the evidence why I need to stop staring at it.

The sound of cold air brushing my hair is the witness how the frosty wind is exploring the whole night in universe . And for a while, I feel like I want to just stay there and stop the world. Just a minute of risking will do.

Looking the moon from afar feels like I've been hugged by your comforting hands. Maybe I've been fell in loved with the dark night, especially when there is moon. And maybe I did, once. But never again. But never thought it was a mistake. And all I can do is to go back, to the place where my heart is at peace. And convinced myself that maybe, a rain like me will never meet a moon like you that covers with full of darkness at the same time surrounded by sparkling stars. Because being the rain, I only has gray skies with thick clouds beside me who is unstoppable from bursting tears, a never ending bursts out. Hates by anyone. Whose existence is unwanted. Wistful. And I know, that a moon like you would never handle that.

-augustus // the mystical moon and bursting rain

I have no right to fight for my love. Fighting for it is selfishness. Loving him and letting him love me is selfishness. And believe me, even though I want him so bad, I can let him go, though it feels forever loving him secretly. I can let him go and let the memories of my mind with him vanish. If letting go of him secretly means I'll see him happy, then I'd gladly let go. I'd gladly push him away to his happiness. It doesn't matter if it kills me. Living unfairly to this world feels like death, anyway.

to my first love~

I'm sorry for the things I said when it was winter.

It was December when the air of memories came back.
It was one drop of cold bottled in the past that never in my body vanished.
It was a gloomy gray sky, when I heard a warm welcome for a frosty feeling of mine.
I heard you want me back. Silly of you. What on earth could a guy who experienced being hurt to someone thinking for a come back?
Is the aftermath of history hunting me again? Or are you coming back because you were left again?
Lots of questions running in my mind. Lots of 'what if's' came back again.
I heard you were left again, to someone you treated more than me.
I mesmerized the feeling we felt each other before. Let's just say it was cringe, but honestly it was a blast for the both of us.

I'm sorry for I remember the way we made jokes, exchanging through chats so that our night won't be sleeping.
I'm sorry for I remember the way we scold each other for a very childish acts we are making.
I'm sorry for I remember the way we care for each other because we don't want to feel that one of us is sick or at sake.
I'm sorry for I remember the way we exchange good morning's and good night's.
I'm sorry for I remember the way you forced me to the things I am skilled of. Because you used to believed in me.
I'm sorry for I remember those nights and days that I can't response from your texts and chats because I wasn't able to do it because I can't reach signals.
I'm sorry for I remember those times that I chose to ignore you from school because I prefer to not have interaction with you personally, and you were angry at me.
I'm sorry for I remember the way you ask me random questions to show that you are interested in my life as well as I'm interested in yours.
And it's so sudden that I felt fear in our situation. It's getting grower. The feelings. The every beat of our heart is pumping too fast. And I am scared. I was scared from consequences. And I am more sorry for that.

It feels like slowly

In the midst of bustling people with passing cars underneath the faded blue sky...wondering. Why am I pushing myself to those people who cannot see my soul? Why am I letting myself fit in, when it doesn't need to be fill in? Why am I forcing myself just to prove that those people I used to treat as trusted people are actually understands me, when the truth is, they aren't? Why am I doing all of this for them?
Can I not be just the person who hate chasing? Because I always do that. Can I not just be a bad-tempered girl who hates waiting and end up not loathing me? Can I just be good for them? 'Cause you know I feel bad for myself, when the way they look at me wearing my usual mask covered with a smiling face and showing to everyone that everything is completely fine? I'm so tired of pretending. Im so tired of everything. I'm so tired enveloping this body. I'm so tired crying myself through pens and paper.

- augustus // ink of blood

This is how I write. This is how I prefer writing than talking. Through writing I can expound the endless thoughts that keep running. Through writing I can be healed.

The other me behind those sparkly smiles you've seen, are nothing but just pretending. I am a faceless writer. I favor to be understand with my own realizations, with my own words, than to hear anyone's pitiful opinions and comforts. Through writing I can manipulate scenario and put it into opposites. I create words with my possession. I designed my own words through putting music in it. I yield it like its my farthest goal. This is how write. This is how I dress my own self whose covered with blemish people.

- augustus

My eyes roamed through out the bookstore. As I walk down the hallway to find some tragic books that can satisfy my boredom suddenly I saw a disarrange book and was about to fall. In a middle of catching it , it was a hand land mine. We both stare at each other as if we were shocked. And he just formed a simple grin and I beamed. His smile is enough to pester my sanity. He was wearing a hoodie which can allure someone-- like me. And suddenly he broke the abrupt moment, and ask me if I'm okay. His hot palm touch my arms and I can't seem to find my airway to breathe in. Add his baritone voice that my ears can feel as if I'm listening to music. I just nodded as my answer. He landed me the book and it was actually the start of the first chapter to our tragic book. I woke up again with that neglected memory. Can I choose exit, delete or escape so that the memory that's currently invading me could vanish like it never happened? Am I still normal that I can see his smile through the empty air I'm staring through right now? Maybe I should get wont from gazing dead stars from afar.

-augustus// tragic books

It was cold Saturday night, when I finally touch your hands. I finally saw how you perfectly smiles. Your eyes were gleaming. Your voice was like thunders. I finally saw how broad your shoulders are. I finally heard the sound of your laughs and how clingy you are. How you treat me like your younger sister which I hated the most. You can't stop squeezing my cheeks and staring at my eyes. It was far from what I've expected. I thought you are some sort of quiet young boy and the usual random guys. But yours is different, even though it was the first time we faced each other, but you were confident and your little enthusiasm was completely obvious. Really. You're so cute when you grinned while your eyes are cannot be seen. It was finally the day you told me about how stubborn I was. Because you used to scold me through chats and now I can see and hear it. My hands was trembling, and so my heart. I beamed and suddenly it hits me. Is this really happening? What could be my consequences after seeing your perfect smiles? Should I be left again? Because I can see it through your eyes. I know there is something behind those gleaming stars---and finally you said it. There was a reason why you wanted to meet me. It was my reason, actually. To see everything and that's it! You are leaving. You should probably go. And you keep insisting just to stay, and told me that you only have me. But, no. You should go. Because after all, you weren't the stars I was seeing but the moon I keep on reaching. Keep far, love.

-augustus

Its been awhile since my word was all about you. And this time, its not about how I hurt myself because of you. But, because I am happy for you. I asked you yesterday, and you said you were fine. And I am happy to know that. Really. Maybe, its time to let go everything right? Its funny 'cause still you haven't any idea. But, as long as you believe that, I don't have any plans explaining all to you if ever you'll found out. Because its for the best. No regrets just learned. And I am happy to the both of you. Please take care of her, she's my best friend.

-augustus

Sitting under the stars, wishing they would go down and come after me, just like the shining moon.
I'm a lost girl, sitting beside from this highway with running random cars in front of me.
I am a lost girl, who haven't found the answers.
I am a lost girl, who doesn't belong to this chaotic and unfair world.
I am a lost girl, who experience nothing but meaningless life.
I am lost girl, just a lost girl.

- augustus

Little turtle who's dawdling near the sea.
Little turtle who's lonely walking near the street.

Little turtle covered with broken shields enclosing the trunk and into which head, limbs and tail can be withdrawn.

Little turtle who needs someone to be with.
Little turtle who lingers just to live.
Little turtle who will remain existent although waning its strength.
Little turtle pretend to mope for not getting what she wanted.
Little turtle assumed to be fortuitous even it isn't.

That little turtle happens to be me.

-augustus

Standing in the corner of my front door. Holding this hot coffee. Watching the overflowing rain. And hearing the terrific thunders on the background. But, wrongly, it was you making unpleasant noise in my mind. Appreciating the crashing noise of rain than hearing your blunts who is hurting my already broken heart.

I was told to make distance, but your shadows are coming after me. I'm done hearing your hopeless defame. Too much throwing words who supposed to fit in your own hand. Longing for something hurtful that I wish you to aim.

Shattering, ruining, smashing, and destroying was all you did.
But killing you in my mind was the first thing I ever did.

-augustus

It was cold. Walking from the place whose unfamiliar.
Wearing my lose T-shirt, with my man-sized short pants. And hearing my music damned in a full volume.
Maybe I want my music so loud and let my backgrounds crashing together.
Maybe music has been my escape.
Maybe music is going to be my comforter, listener and crying shoulder.
And I want that music be the reason to my azure too.
Its going to be the music, not anyone, not even you.

-augustus

That's the thing about me; being in love with someone. I always end up leaving them, push them away like there's nothing happened. Make them feel that I don't need them, that I can love myself . And even told them that our love won't last. But then it happens, that they are not the one who was hurting--- I was. I am really the author of my trouble.

That's the thing about me being in love with someone----
I cared for them like they are my precious vases. Understand them like an abstract painting. Love them like my favorite weather. Thought of them like a missing words. But break them like an unfixed broken glass. Leave them like an uncontrolled brushes. Hate them like a storm and terrific thunders. Loathe them like a wounded paragraphs. But, unfortunately, I was behind when the glass was messed. I was the writer with trembling hands. I was the rain who shouted so much. And I was the grieving pen that lead my words into sadness.

I can't risk the feeling when your two both eyes were crying endlessly because I stab your heart multiple times. I can't risk the feeling when the moment I caress your face and it was full of melancholy--- its going to break my heart too. I might hurt your heart for not forgiving the things I hate about my emotions. I might throw words that tires you from listening. I might do actions that will lead you from leaving. That's why before it happens, I will leave a mark and a small scar that will regret you from having it. Before it will create a heavy damage to your heart that will mourn you to death.

-aulove// me being in love

You wrote an affectionate poetries about her; while I composed pieces for you.
You look at her like a dazzling moon from the night sky together with its shining star twinkling same as her eyes; while I was looking at you as if you are my unreached universe.
You always put her in your precious mind and you enveloped it with a taste of warm hugs; while I was secretly expressing my lame affection to you through bleeding words.
You hugged her; while I was wishing I could hug you too.
She was your world; while you are my sweet galaxies.
Until one day, she hurt you. And left you wounded. While I was there, together with my comforting eyes dreamed that if you had let me, the torn pieces of your restless soul would exchange into serene and far from storms. If you had let me, this is how much I could loved you.

But I ended up being here, trying to flee and escape from heartaches, but sadly, I am still bound by these choking chains you've caused me.

- augustus // you made her your world.