Lillia Things

Another weekend of Museum fun with my family. A couple of women cooed at our boy, and he smiled at the them. His first smile at someone outside of his parents!!

I hope our boy grows to enjoy art. But, I’m certain than whomever he grows to be, whatever his interests, he will be loved- just as he’s always been!

I had a tearful moment in the museum, watching my youngest smiling at me. I am so filled with gratitude that I get the opportunity to witness his milestones of firsts- the smiles, his laughs, his first words, his first step, his first day of school. I felt so happy that I get to be here for these experiences, witnessing the person he’s unfolding to be.

But there’s a sadness in my heart, because as a birth mother, I missed those moments with older two children. I’m comforted in knowing that they have stable homes, and that I get to be a part of their lives still. And isn’t it such a blessing that all of my kids have additional sources of love and support in their lives? Truly, I’m blessed. My family, the one I helped create, contains 3 children, 3 cats, & two luvbuns who are absolutely in love with one another. This family may not have a typical home environment, but my family is my world… what a world it is to be in. ❤️

My weekend looked something like this:

A visit to the library to play chess & check out books- we received an invitation to the area’s chess club simply by playing chess in a public setting!

A meal out with my luvbun.

A visit to the Museum of Glass in Tacoma! Our sweet boy loved looking at all the pretty glass fixtures & was mesmerized by the hot room where they were actively making glass.

We definitely made the right choice in moving to the west side of Washington. We love the PNW so much and being here has been a huge blessing in my life & that of my family.

California will always have my heart, but Washington is definitely my home.

#2023

The weekends are for catching up on baby snuggles. This is how my weekend is going. What do you have planned for your weekend?

On our agenda includes time at the library, time attending to household responsibilities (the cycle of laundry never ends!), and time catching up with family members who live far away.

Having our boy in our home is such a blessing. We love being parents. Wishing you warmth and love during the wintry months ahead. Remember, you are worthy. Always.

This phase in life has been a true joy. I’m enjoying and delighting in the experience of motherhood. From being able to message my oldest boy, video chat my littlest of ladies, to holding my newborn son for baby snuggles- this year has been so good for this birth mother’s heart. I’m so excited to continue to participate fully in life- to experience all the highs and lows and even the mundane. I’m so grateful to be alive. Life is good.

We are celebrating the feeling of gratitude together with friends & food & merriment. This is our son’s first Thanksgiving, and just like the refrain in many of our videos, we are grateful for our many blessings. Happy Thanksgiving from all of us to you!

I hope you find something to do today. Even if it’s to celebrate on your own and cook yourself a nice meal. I hope the day does not bring you sadness, but if it does it’s okay to feel that way. I hope you can find gratitude in your heart, to the extent you are able, in the spirit of Thanksgiving. There are many seasons of life, some great & others much less so. Some seasons of life are in fact down right awful. With all that said, I do believe that we are where we are meant to be. Life is full of lessons & blessings. May we be blessed with wisdom & growth from our experiences.

I’m not sure if these words resonate with anyone, but to me the power of words is very moving. Words can build a person up just as much as they can tear a person down. I hope my words are seen with the love and kindness for which they are intended. Moreso, I hope you speak words of love and kindness into your life. You deserve it.

I got a planner calendar for 2024 @ a dollar store to help with my new year manifestations (3rd picture). Not to brag, but I believe in my abilities to manifest my heart’s desires- and I have proven results of success. I’ve seen people attribute those successes to luck or talent, but the reality is the biggest factor in all that isn’t talent nor luck (though those elements are certainly involved). The greatest contributor to manifestation in my experience is discipline powered by belief. You must believe what you are trying to do is possible, and you must do the work to make the possible a reality.

And I feel those sentiments are very much in alignment with the energy of a new year.

One example analogy I can think of is Ballet. I once went to a ballet performance in recent years. I was mesmerized by the performance, by the skillful and seemingly magically way these dancers moved across the stage.

On stage, we only see the performance. The audience does not see the HOURS across weeks and months and years, often spanning a life span, that led up to the performance. Manifesting is similar. So when someone says you’re lucky or talented, know that they’re only seeing the results of your performance, and not the discipline it took to get to that stage.

Hi sweet friends, I mostly use this page to repost Instagram photos for anyone who doesn’t use Instagram. I don’t have much time to monitor this page closely in terms of responding to comments.

If I were to share some Facebook exclusive content, would anyone be interested in that?

I use my personal Facebook quite a lot, but mostly to post life updates (I don’t think there’s much value for the general public to see me posting my random doings).

I’ve used Instagram to an extent for that purpose too, but I try to have Instagram be an uplifting space because I genuinely want to encourage people to be more loving and kind to themselves and others. I use my life experiences largely as an example to do that because I feel fairly confident in my ability to share personal narratives.

Cadin is my best friend. I love that we’re luvbuns together. I am SO proud of how well he’s adapting to fatherhood, of how emotionally supportive he is as a husband.

With that said, I wanted to talk about social media and mental health.

I don’t intend to post in such a way that fosters negative feelings in another. It is disingenuous to only post the highlight reels of one’s life onto social media, though it’s also something so many many people do.

Marriage and motherhood have not always been easy, but it has always felt worth it.

Friends, if you find yourself scrolling through social media feeds and feeling somehow less than enough, know that most people don’t post the behind the scenes troubles they face. I don’t even post all my behind the scenes messiness.

Social media can be a very shallow place that fuels a lot of egos. It’s designed to be addictive. So know that space from your online life is good and healthy. Know that the grass may look so green on their side of the screen, but you cannot possibly know what their lives are like behind the photos and videos they post. This applies to me as well.

One of the things I strive to do is post from a place of authenticity, but it’s a fine line between being open about life and being so open that you expose yourself to the dangers inherent to online life.

And isn’t it amazing that we can have lives both online & offline? I think it’s pretty swell so don’t go thinking I’m rallying fear about the internet. I have so many rich friendships formed through the internet! The internet can be a lovely place too.

My life is far from perfect, and while this year has been the happiest year in my life, it has not been without conflict and without struggle.

Social media can become toxic to mental health- even for those without mental illness struggles! I know this from experience. So please I urge you to practice an abundance of self care in your life both online and offline. Don’t go comparing your life to the sunny images you see online. Okay? Your life is uniquely your own, I promise you are not missing out.

These photos were taken during some of my darkest hours in life. Sometimes I marvel at old photos, and wish I could talk to myself way back then and tell the younger iterations of myself that life will be better than I hoped it would be- so keep holding on to hope!

I spend a considerable amount of time in contemplation. I ponder quite a lot about life- where I’ve been & where I’m going- and to an extent about society as a whole, again where we’ve been & where we’re going.

At times it’s very easy to lose hope. The sight of better days ahead can be obscured by very real problems of the present moment. Sometimes the world is in chaos, sometimes it’s our personal lives, and often everything can feel chaotic & bewildering.

I like to think that positive small changes over time yield outcomes that shape the future we so desperately want. And many people acting in accordance by making small positive shifts? The impact would be monumentally significant.

When life seems hopeless, and you feel so very small, so very insignificant, remember that you have a much greater impact than you might think. Sounds cliche, but there is strength in numbers. And for our species, I can assure you the numbers are on our side. Know that you are not alone.

And so, this is as much a reminder for myself, even if the only person’s life you save is your own, that is enough. You will have done enough.

I have spent so long being so very hard on myself for not living up to my own great expectations, but I didn’t need to be so harsh on myself at all. Life turned out okay anyway, and there was no need to beat myself up and constantly berate myself. Especially over situations that felt largely beyond my control. I did the best I could. I see that.

So if you’re going through the tumult of life, don’t be so hard on yourself over it either! It will very likely be okay.

Lessons I wish I would’ve learned sooner, that I’d love to teach our son.

Rest is part of doing the work. It is the fuel that drives the work, the foundation upon which the work is built. Rest is good. Rest is healthy. Treat yourself to extra rest. Be wonton and lavish with your resting. You deserve to rest.

Be selfish with your self care, you must prioritize it. You cannot expect to care for others when you’re doing so at the expense of yourself.

Self care is doing the things that are difficult. While bubble baths & spa days are nice, self care looks like setting and enforcing boundaries, it looks like discerning when you need to push yourself to do the tasks or when to put the tasks off to a different time. Self care is imperative. Nourish more than just your body, do things for the mind, the heart, the soul. You are more than the productivity you put into this world.

It is okay to ask for help, it is necessary to do so when you cannot do life alone (and be real, nobody can do life alone). Seeking help is brave. It is not a sign of weakness.

Remember that you are enough, you were born enough, and will die always having been enough. You are worthy of the best that life has to offer, you deserve it too. Don’t settle for less.

F is for friends who do stuff together.

I am pleased to introduce one of the greatest friends to do stuff together with of ALL time: Lilliana Blackstar (.astrology 🥰).

Established in April of 2018, our friendship was built initially upon the foundation of shared interests- namely Tarot & Astrology (btw if you’re interested in those topics, definitely give her page a peep)-and it has grown from there.

My sweet friend Lilliana is someone who inspires me to be a better person and helps me keep a level head. I love that I live so much closer to her now and I’m looking forward to all the adventures that lie ahead for us.

Friends are one of the many parts of life that make life worthwhile. I wish all of you the warmth & love inherent to good friendships. May you all form an abundance of good memories with those you love most.

Before I leave, if you are someone who is struggling with feelings of loneliness, I want to encourage you to reach out to those in your life, to reach out to new people too. Life is too short to go it alone. Know that you are worthy of the warmth and joy of friendships.

Christmas time, the holiday season in general, for me personally has been painful each year to endure. Childhood memories were not the greatest, and in later years, being without my children on the holidays was always, always miserable. Call me a grinch because Christmas was never really my thing.

Having given birth in time to celebrate the holidays though, has ignited a sense of hope for the holidays for me.

I know we’re not quite to Thanksgiving just yet, and we just finished Halloween, so me personally posting about Christmas time is a little early in my opinion. But we were out today and took these photos in front of a mall tree and I am too excited about the holidays for a change to not be festive this year. 🥲

Friends, if the holidays are difficult for you, know that it is okay to feel less than festive. And if the holidays are a joyful time, know that it is also okay to be as jolly and as merry about it as you want. Above all, take care of yourselves and enjoy life to the extent you can. Much love to you all!!

I had a realization earlier this month about this year: 2023 has been the happiest year of my life thus far. It hasn’t been without struggles, but everything that could go right this year did go right. There are 2 more months left in this year, so it’s not even over yet!! I’m looking forward to holiday celebrations with friends and family. I’m looking forward to seeing my son grow & develop. I’m looking forward to my first day of work at my new job site.

I had a difficult life growing up, and my early 20s were not much better. As someone with a serious mental illness, taking my medication & attending therapy has made a world of difference. I’m able to live a life beyond my wildest childhood dreams. A life I’m truly grateful to have. A life worth living.

My heart is so full of love lately. I have everything I need, there is nothing I want that seems unobtainable. I said this a lot in my videos, but I’m grateful for my many blessings. Truly.

Hello sweet boy, our pride and joy. We love you so much. Welcome to your third week of life. We are so blessed to be your parents.

This chapter of my motherhood journey has been so wonderful. We’re surrounded by love & support from a community of family and friends who want to see us succeed.

Life is much different for me than it was so so long ago. This stage of motherhood comes with mixed feelings, but it’s also opened my heart to experience the real and often raw emotions in a healing way. I have decided to stop blaming myself for a past that felt entirely insurmountable.

I am where I need to be in life. My heart holds immeasurable love for all three of the lives I’ve carried into existence. The world is a better place simply because they’re in it.

My motherhood journey is uniquely my own. And that’s okay.

I have been telling everyone that Cadin was born to be a dad. He’s such a natural at it. The joy is so evident in his voice and facial expressions. He’s responsible and compassionate and so very supportive.

I think I was born to be a mom too, in my own way. Family life suits us. It is exactly as it is meant to be.

Family life suits the luvbun household. Baby luvbun will be two weeks old tomorrow! We are so proud of our son.

I wanted to provide some life updates. In July, I applied for a position within the university I work for that is a huge step in my career. I went through three rounds of interviews- during my third trimester of pregnancy! I kept hope high though because I knew that the role would be a blessing to my family. 3 interviews and reference checks and a background check later, I was offered the position!! It’s a major step in my career as it blends IT help desk (which I currently do) with Systems Administration work. It comes with a 50% raise. However, it does require us to relocate. So! We are set to move to Puyallup, WA on 10/26. So happy.

Cadin will be enrolling in a program that will help him become an aircraft mechanic sometime after our move. He has been dreaming of working on airplanes for years and this move will help him meet his career goals as well.

Baby luvbun is a joy in household. He is easily consoled, easily burped, he’s a peaceful, happy boy who loves to be cuddled by both his parents.

Moving on from TikTok was the best decision for me and my family. I am able to focus on my career, my husband, my son, my own personal goals and desires. I’m am much less stressed, and in a better head space.

Anyway! We are doing well. Life is good, and we are so grateful for how far we’ve come.

Oh! One last thing. Next month? We are set to celebrate our 3rd year of marriage! We’ve endured and overcome life’s challenges, and things are headed in a great direction. I’m so looking forward to what the future holds in store for us.

Friends, remember that life has seasons, much like the environment. Wherever life finds you, I hope you continue to grow and thrive- even though life’s challenges, I encourage you to never lose hope for a better future. Every ounce of progress you make is worthy of celebration. Know that I’m very proud of your victories- no matter how great or seemingly small. You are worthy. Always.

We had quite an eventful childbirth on 9/17, we’re still in the hospital recovering. Regardless, we’re both alive and healthy. It feels great having our boy in our arms at last. Our hearts are so full!

Today I am 35W+4D pregnant. Monday we had our specialist appointment and based on my health status, we’ve scheduled an induction date (I’m not announcing just yet when that is though!). Some time between now and our due date of 10/1/23- our son will be born! We’ve got almost everything ready and in place waiting for his arrival.

Some other noteworthy updates include- I made it to my 1 yr of employment in my current position anniversary yesterday! I’m also in the process of interviewing for a promotion that would be a huge step in my career and blessing for my family.

I got a chance to visit my eldest son earlier this month. It was such a sweet visit and I’m now able to keep in touch with him over social media/messaging. I saw my daughter just last week, and both kids are growing like weeds! I’m so very blessed to be a part of their lives still.

My life is so full lately, I am very grateful to be where I’m at today.

I had such an extraordinarily difficult life, and it took such a long time to overcome the adversity I endured through childhood and my early adulthood. My life today isn’t completely stress-free- but moreover it’s manageable and I’m navigating matters much more easily than years past.

If you are reading this, and find yourself in the midst of struggles and adversity- I want to gently encourage you to hang on to hope, and keep striving towards navigating your way out of it. I also encourage you to lean on supports and not be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I, myself, have had so much help through the years and I don’t think I could’ve made it through all on my own. You are not alone, even if at times it may feel that way.

Keep trying my friends, and remember: you are worthy. Always.

Pregnancy is going by SO fast, and we’re so very thankful to .pro for helping us capture this special moment for us. The photoshoot was so much fun and we’re so very happy we got to do this. Here’s a few of my favorites.

I am 31 weeks + 5 days gestation age. Starting Monday, I’ll have twice weekly non-stress tests at the local birthing center. If all goes well, I’ll be induced between 38-39 weeks (9/17-9/24). We’ve been very blessed by the outpouring of support from friends and family. Cadin, my luvbun, has been especially supportive and completely involved throughout this process.

We’re SO looking forward to meeting our son very soon.

Hello third trimester! Pregnancy is somehow simultaneously going by slowly, creeping along and blurring by super fast. I thought I’d provide some highlights for this experience:

The first trimester started with 2 pink lines- that my husband discovered first. We used the cheapie tests at Walmart for 88¢ and when it didn’t develop in 30 seconds I discarded it. Cadin noticed the second line, and when I later got it medically confirmed, I cried tears of joy. The joy was short lived, as the first trimester progressed and my body readjusted to the hormones, depression, worry, and doubt set in. Towards the first trimester’s end, I developed hyperemesis gravidarum. I lost 22 pounds in 21 days and had to be hospitalized.

Once the severe symptoms of the first trimester cleared, the second trimester glow set in. And, aside from intense round ligament pain and sciatica that lasted a couple of weeks, the second trimester was a time of joy and ease. I have never felt such an enduring sense of peace and happiness and excitement for what the future holds in store than I have throughout the second trimester leading into now.

I’m very excited for this final trimester/chapter of pregnancy. I anticipate discomfort, and more growing pains, but truly it is such a blessing that my body is able to host new life, especially after years of unexplained secondary infertility.

My daughter, whom I see monthly, is so enthused about this pregnancy. She is such a sweet girl, during our last visit she rubbed my baby belly and said, “I love you baby.” My son has yet to find out about it, I only see him once a year. I’m scheduled to see him in August. I’m hopeful that he will not be upset, though I understand adoption comes with complex emotions and am preparing for that possibility too.

My goal for all three of my children has always been to protect and preserve their happiness and their safety, while providing them with the most stable home possible. That’s partly why I left TikTok, for the sake of my health which at this point is intimately tied into my unborn son’s health. I deemed social media to be simply not worth it, for me.

Today we celebrate my husband’s first Father’s Day, we’re celebrating even though he’s an expectant father. He’s doing phenomenally well at being an active participant in prenatal care, in helping around the house, in preparing our home for our soon to be son, and so much more. I have so much to be proud of in him. He’s very deserving of the title of father, and I’m so blessed to be celebrating him today. I love you forever, luvbun!

It feels silly to update my Instagram after being absent from my public facing platforms for ~4 months. As far as where I’ve been, well, my priorities have shifted and creating an uplifting headspace, cultivating memorable moments for myself and family, and developing/furthering my career in IT have taken precedence. After 2+ years in the public eye, I simply savor these moments of privacy. I’m living life authentically to a vision I’ve held in my heart for years now, and I’m proud of myself and grateful beyond measure that I am where I’m at today.

I’m posting a wee early, but tomorrow I’m 23 weeks pregnant with a BOY! A life of Motherhood where I get to raise a child in my home is not something I thought was in the cards for me. While I’m biologically a mother, and to this day get to see both of my older children, there has always been a yearning in my heart to be a mother who raises her children that I never really allowed myself to entertain before. I always felt unworthy, undeserving, and when facing unexplained secondary infertility issues, conception seemed very unlikely. In light of my secondary fertility issues, we took on a not trying, but not preventing approach to conception. We weren’t going to medically intervene, though we certainly home tested every month (period or not) to see if maybe, just maybe, it was possible. And it happened.

I remember crying tears of joy when we got the pregnancy medically confirmed. That said, his pregnancy has challenged me in ways that the others haven’t. Being pregnant in my 30s is more physically taxing than I remember it being in 20s. But still I carry on, preparing my home and readying our lives for the new arrival. I’m in the glow of the second trimester, the trials of the first trimester are over, and the 3rd trimester is just around the corner.

Friends, if you find yourself living with any resentment towards yourself, I encourage you to do what you can to let those feelings go.

10+ years have passed. I spent many of those years resenting myself and blaming myself, trying to hide the pain of what had happened. Healing from all that involved self forgiveness. Remember, you are worthy. Always.

Happiness is sitting on the couch with your Luvbun, bundled together under a warm blanket on a cold day, with a purring cat on our lap. Life is good. :)

Today is my cousin’s birthday! Luvbun & I baked her a Boston Cream Pie. :) It’s her favorite kind of cake, though she’s very camera shy and doesn’t want to be pictured on social media, I wanted to show the finished product. Happy birthday to my cousin! I’m very happy to have you in my life. 💕

I had mental health therapy yesterday. I spoke to my therapist of many topics, one of which was my exit from tiktok. Based on my conversation with her, I’m changing my mind, and am going to try being a creator again. My therapist said that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and that if I accept that certain things are beyond my control, and limit if not completely eliminate my exposure to my stressors online, that being an online creator could actually be beneficial to me. It was not how I expected the conversation to go to be honest, but I’m really glad that making videos, a pastime I really enjoy!, can still be something I do. She is right in that it does not have to be all or nothing. :)

Anyway, I’m coming back soon!! :D

Clothing is a form of self expression. And today, I wanted to be adventurous with my clothes. The outfit on the right was not quite winter appropriate, so I modified it to the outfit on the left. I love to experiment with different looks, and sometimes it’s an outfit fail, but I don’t care because it’s fun to experiment and we learn and grow through experimentation. Anyway, just updating you all to say that I’m enjoying my time away from tiktok, though I certainly miss you all very much too.

That said, try not to carry the weight of others’ opinions. It’s as much of a reminder to myself as it is an encouraging word I wanted to share. Their opinions are not something you can try to control, and for too long that’s something I tried so hard to do. I would argue with some of my worst critics and I realized that it was not healthy. So here’s to letting go. And remember my friends, especially if ever you have any doubt, that you are worthy. Always.

I promised long ago that I would stop doing anything that became detrimental to my mental health. My mental health is my number 1 priority in life. I made a goodbye post on tiktok, I left it up for less then an hour and then made it visible to mutuals only. I decided I didn’t need to make some grand exit, every time I’ve taken a break before in the past I simply stopped posting. I’m very certain that I do not want to make tiktok videos any more. It is okay to close one chapter in life and move on to the next. Anyway, I’ll update Instagram. And probably Facebook. Though I want to do so in moderation.

I put makeup on today, first time in several months. How do I look? 🥰💕

Today is Us Day! Time to celebrate with my Luvbun. We’ve been together for 3 years and 4 months as of today. For those not in the know, Us Day is a monthly celebration of us. We choose to celebrate our togetherness on the 9th of each month in honor of the day we went on our first date. It is a way to celebrate each other, and being together. Of course, we still celebrate our anniversaries, but this day is a sweet reminder of us. Here is to my buns, I love you so very much!

If you want to play games with me, lmk. I’m nearly exclusively on Nintendo Switch these days. Favorite games are Pokémon, Minecraft, Legend of Zelda, & Animal Crossing.

Friend code: SW-5245-0171-6245

Love you!