where I leave my things so you'd know what happened if one day i'm gone

sometimes i think about how she didn't want me at all, not at all, and try not to feel rejected.

i shouldve been used to it. i shouldve kept my mouth shut. i shouldve never let myself fall.

bc no one wants me. i shouldve known.

Lately everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I just see how bulky my upper arms and shoulders are, and it makes me so very happy with myself ✨

🤡🥹😭😞😤🙉

I mean it's kinda true tho 🤣🤣🤣

I thought I'd look at our past conversations one last time then decided against it.

What's the point anyways, right?

Accidentally looked at my hands under the dim blue light from the phone screen and they looked ✨pretty✨ 🥹 I would very much like to hold my own hands please 🥹

A friend of mine is having a pretty rough time juggling between jobs and her personal pjs. She's losing serious sleep, and I mean serious, cuz now she's working 12hrs+ per day plus being on endless deadlines while running on mere 3-4hrs of sleep. I feel so alarmed. This is bad.

I want to help but there are so many factors at play that both she and I have no control of, so at the moment my hands are tied. I don't even know if it's appropriate for me to try to help. What if she finds me annoying? She's so busy to the point that I'm not sure whether I should keep messaging her. I don't want to be something that she has to give up even more of her free time (which is already close to non-existent) to take care of. And all of the solutions I can think of are inapplicable in her case.

It feels so fu***ng frustrated that when someone I care about needs help, all I can offer is nada. Nothing. We don't even live in the same city so I can't even do the bare minimum of bringing my friend something comforting and hanging out.

The only thing I can hope for right now is that things will get better once her current pj is over. It might take some of the strains off of her, and my friend might finally be able to have some time for herself without feeling guilty af.

Wait, that reminds me. She displays quite worrisome symptoms of depression: Losing sleep despite constant tiredness, feeling guilty for having a much needed break, etc. How do you make somebody feel better when they're feeling like s**t????? I don't even know how to make myself feel better gods help me 😭

Sometimes I wonder if she's happy now that I'm finally gone from her life for good. But then again, she might not think about me at all.

I wish I could do the same.

If I had a nickel for everytime I got a new follower on this page, I'd have one nickel, which is definitely not a lot, but it's weird that it happened at all cuz who in their right mind would follow a dump like this one? 🙉

This blog is basically my personal trashcan for feelings and thoughts that I cannot share with anyone around me, most of which are terribly negative and depressing (makes sense cuz I only ever visited here while being in pain). Now I think about it, I should've set this page on private (I don't even know if we could do that on Facebook), or chose an entirely different platform. But, here we are already, so...

I don't know who you are or how you came across this blog, the privacy policy and the New Experience on pages of this stupid platform won't allow page owners to see who exactly follows their pages, so I guess I'll never know. At this point I just pray to whoever's listening that you're not either of my bestfriends cuz if that's the case I'll never recover from my internal cringe.

Anyways, I hope you are fine and everything in your life is going on a right track for you, whoever you are. However, if you're not doing okay, don't hesitate to reach out to someone that can offer help. Sometimes what we truly need to get out of a bad situation is for someone to nudge us a bit, lend us a hand, or give a second opinion.

I guess you can stay if you like, but seriously, if you're currently not in a good place, I must advise you against it. As you can see, I mostly ever came here when I was struggling with my mental state and emotions, hence the things that I've posted, and possibly will post again, are likely very upsetting for people who are already being stressed out. I really hope you're not affected negatively by the things you've read on this blog.

I don't know if you could see this post or not, but if you're reading this, please rest assured that I'm doing much better now, that's why there's no update for so long. I know the name of the page sounds pretty pessimistic but I'm trying, and it's all good.

That's about it. I wish you the best of luck, excellent health and stable mental state.

suddenly i don't know what to say.

Wait what?

I wish you'd taken advantage of me that night. I wish I'd been brave enough to try and initiate something, anything. A kiss, a plea for you to take me right there and then. Even if you'd turned me down, at least now I wouldn't have any regret.

i love you and it breaks my heart being in love with you

No one loves me more than my two lovelies babies do. I've always known they love and care deeply for me, but their actions never fail to remind me of that fact. And today the love they have for me shone brightly. I'd never known how ferocious and vehement they would be in their fight for me, even against myself, and today I have.

They didn't mince their words in their scolding, they were blunt and merciless, and intimidating. I was taken a back and more than a little scared, and then I realized: They were harsh because they were infurious that I hadn't treated myself with the same amount of respect and affection they would have. I had made the mistake of dismissing someone they loved and they took offense at it.

I mean I will become absolutely monstrous if someone ever dares to look at my babies the wrong way, I get why they hate it when I indulge in self-loathing. But knowing and actually doing something about it are two entirely different things. Sometimes self-love is just too... tiring to keep consistent, so maybe I slipped a bit. But today it was not my intention to degrade myself, I was actually feeling pretty bad about something before they tore me a new one and opened my eyes about it. I'd never looked at the problem that way though, it was enlightening in a way I guess? I was also tremendously reassured, both of myself and of the fact that I, obviously, had always been surrounded by love. They love me the same way I love them. Our friendship and adoration are mutual. I have never doubted their sentiments, not even for a friction of a second the entire time I have been in their care, but it is wondrous to be reminded of it once in a while.

Nothing keeps me going stronger than the notion that there are people, yes, not one, but TWO human beings, unrelated to me in anyway, under no obligation to indulge me, regal and magnificent in their beauty, extraordinary in their talents, undeterred in their will, persevering in their kindness and unassumption, who nevertheless choose to stand firmly by my side, being my most trusted advisors and protectors, always ready to strike at anything that comes my way, as I do them. I am loved and cherished, however far-fetched that sounds to me.

And for the million time, I thank whoever is holy out there, all of them, for granting me such honor and priviledge to know and learn to love my two favorite people in the whole world.

I hate that she's such a flirt.
I hate that a casual, passing joke from her can mess me up so much.
Where does it end really? Why can't I move on already I'm so fed up with myself.

And ppl actually think PAM POWER is easy to do??? 🙉 I couldnt even breathe normally post that workout what the f**k 😭😭😭 srsly i NEED to get back on track im losing my strength

Wait facebook does not allow posting multiple stories with different privacy settings?????? I almost f**ked s**t up goddamn it 😭😭😭

Last night I got the best sleep I'd ever had since I took the pills (both of them). I slept soundly from 2 to 6:30 when my alarm went off without any interruption in between, no jostling awake at 4 or 5 and struggling to drift off again. I actually craved sleeping and contemplated to just.. staying asleep a bit longer until 7, which I've not been able to feel for a over a month now. I don't know if this is good or bad. I guess we'll see.

I'm not sure what was the reason for my good night sleep, but there were a few factors to take into account:

1) I did a 45-minute workout in the evening, a combination of arms and cardio (good amount) and a stretch at the end. It felt good, and I mean GOOD. Ain't nothing as rewarding and satisfying as the feeling you get after completing a workout, knowing you treated yourself right, did something good. I have not managed to achieve even one week of consistent workout routine for at least three weeks now, and it's f**ked my head up more than I can bring myself to admit.

Rationally I know I shouldn't be ashamed, this kind of disruption is bound to happen because the pills would mess with my hormones, causing fatigue and mood drops and low energy, among other things. I expected this to happen, even braced myself for it, but all that didn't make it any easier when I inevitably dropped bit by bit of my fu***ng workout routine and just lying there miserably because I couldn't for the life of me move a fu***ng finger.

Then I got the worst, absolute monstrosity of a period in all my experience stretching back to the very first years of puberty. I was just... gushing, all the time. Every breathing moment is pain and sweat and blood, and the stink of blood, and the dread of yet another pair of pants soaked with overflow. The cramps and the heavy flow (I must've lost about 30ml of blood per day for 4 or 5 days, which is horrendous because that is the average total blood loss PER PERIOD of an average person) did nothing but guaranteeing that there was no way I could physically do anything more than sitting, or lying, still. So I stopped working out for a whole week, and it all went downhill from there, exactly like my prediction.

I know I should cut myself some slack, but it's easier said than done. I lost the continuity streak that I'd worked so fu***ng hard to maintain, and with it the muscle strength I'd built, and probably some of the hard-earned muscle mass as well, and that sucked a million ways to hell if I'm being honest.

I digressed. The point is: It felt great to finish a decent workout after being a quitter for so long, and though it was tiring and my body ached after, it was totally understandable because I was not in my peak condition. It will take time for me to get there again, but I will get there. This is good stuff, This is what I want and it makes me love myself more. This is what I will stick with no matter what.

2) I changed my sleeping position. Instead of lying vertically like a normal person, I switched to lie horizontally across the width of the bed. I don't know if it made any difference, I just felt like doing it at the time. It was comfortable. I think I'll test it out a few more nights to see.

3) I could've sworn that there must be a third and a fourth potential reason but my mind is currently drawing a blank. I guess I'll leave it here and come back when I think of something else.

There's a bruise on the back of my left hand that I probably got from bumping into something in the office. The thing is, it's been there for a very long time now, probably since the beginning of last week, and it hasn't healed yet.

So, does that mean I got old? Or is it the pills I take daily affecting my body? I feel worried, should I be worried?

It's been only over two weeks since I last spoke to her privately but somehow it feels like ages have passed. We'll grow cold again in no time at all and maybe then I'll finally have my peace.

I bet she doesn't even realize that I've quieted down. I bet it doesn't matter to her whether I'm around or not. She simply pays me no mind at all. Why would she, when there are so many other things, other people, that actually spark and keep her interest?

I'm just me.

This crush business was good for me at first, for a while. I felt renewed with determination and motivation to get better, to actually make efforts to love myself, to treat myself right, to be somewhat a more presentable version of myself. And all of that was for one and solely one purpose: To hold my head high and stand on the same ground as her. To prove to myself that I am worthy of someone kind and brilliant as her, even if she could not return my feelings.

This affection has acted as a driving force for me, and despite everything, I'm grateful for it. But I'm only human, and a deeply flawed one at that. It had been so long since the last time I fell head over heels for someone that I forgot how terrible it is to love someone and never be reciprocated.

How absolutely excrutiating and tiring it is to hope and have to crush your own hope lest yourself be carried away.

How longing becomes aching and aching becomes a dull, yet ever-present heaviness in your chest.

How crippling trepidation takes hold as you realize belatedly that you have been once again twisted and deformed by jealousy.

How the initial infatuation fades as time passes, disappointment and hurt grows out of repeated rejections and failed confessions, yet her hold on you remains, puzzling and taunting, unmovable, making you frustrated and defeated.

How self-loathe bares its teeth at you, threatening to swallow you whole for being weak, as the resolve to let go is built up and then goes up in flames multiple times.

Love, in the end, is a cruel master. And though lovely as she is, my love for her has slowly made me wither away. Unrequited love often does that, and there is no one to blame but myself.

I'm tired to the bones with all this pointless affection, all I want is to let go, and let both of us be free of each other.

i am a vicious little woman and i have never tried to cover that fact. but still, if my cruel and nasty nature upsets anyone who is not on the intended receiving end of it, i am sorry for exposing you to such hostility. please know that it was never my intention to hurt you so.

Honestly i just want to curl up in a hole somewhere and die, i dont want to carry on any longer.

today fcking sucks