Unchained by Hope

“Paul never tells husbands to lead or have authority over their wives, and he never tells them to be unilaterally responsible for the spiritual formation of their wives. Never. Not once. Neither does Jesus or Peter. No New Testament person or author tells husbands to have leadership or spiritual authority over their wives.

Paul told the husbands in Ephesus to love their wives. He uses the Greek verb for “love” (agapaō) 6 times when addressing them in Ephesians 5:25ff. Six times! Leadership is simply not mentioned in the verses addressed to husbands.” – Marg Mowczko

From: https://margmowczko.com/male-headship-ephesians-5/

“Have courage, dear heart.” Healing is never linear. 💗

https://eightify.app/media/how-to-identify-and-deal-with-covert-narcissist-behaviors

7 Facts About Trauma Bonds You Should Know Trauma bonds are emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetrated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments.

Planning a trip can be stressful, but if you’re leaving town with your abusive partner, you might be more concerned about your own safety while traveling. Here are some tips to consider 👇

Learn more: https://bit.ly/3uufGQV

Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant? | Life-Saving Divorce Is marriage an unconditional, unbreakable covenant for Christians and others of faith? No, it is a conditional agreement.

The abuse she has endured impacts her day-to-day life and interactions with others. What does she need from you? Patience, love, and support. You can help her heal by validating her emotions while also helping her see that she is safe.

Her husband’s abusive behavior caused her to feel unsafe all the time, and this feeling of lack of security does not go away through divorce. It takes time through healing. Help her heal. Help her feel safe again.

Thank you to Filip Poetyk Skoumal.

“We need to remember that male-rule doesn’t show up in scripture until after the entrance of sin.

We need to remember that patriarchy slithered into this world on the back of a serpent.

And if sin created male dominance in Genesis 3:16, then a Christian conversation about God’s justice should never take place without acknowledging that Jesus’ death and resurrection frees women from all the results of sin, including all notions of male superiority.” – Kate Wallace Nunneley

From: https://juniaproject.com/complementarian-view-justice/

What are some of the ways you see abuse daily? If their kind, what is their MO? If they are raging what need is not getting met? Notice how it is all about them? -Kat 💕 Kat is a Survivor Expert with Lived Experiences in domestic violence and abuse. Please seek Professional Mental Health Providers if you can.

“But did he hit you?” they ask.

And my question is… did he even have to? Or was the overall pattern of behavior enough to keep you compliant without force at all?

“But, you know… was it PHYSICAL?” they still want to know.

And my question is… did the environment of betrayal and deceit and distrust break down your body to the point of debilitation?

Let me tell you a story about my body…

As a teen and young adult, I could sleep anywhere. Like a ROCK. And believe me — as a missionary kid I had the opportunity to sleep in lots of weird and noisy places.

> On crowded Russian train platforms.
> On steamy Indian buses hurtling around terrifying S-curves on one-lane mountain passes.
> Hanging over the ocean on a thick rope net stretched between the hulls of a catamaran, bringing medical relief to remote Pacific Islands.
> Draped over my duffel bag to make sure nobody stole my bags while waiting between flights in Singapore, in Rome, in Istanbul, in Bucharest, in Seoul…

But after I got married — it wasn’t long at all before I couldn’t sleep. Even the tiniest shred of moonlight would wake me.

Over the next twelve years my body was somehow always on alert. Always ready to instantly jerk wide awake. Unrelenting hypervigilant insomnia. I couldn’t have explained it to you if you’d asked. I didn’t know why. I just completely lost the ability to sleep deeply.

I didn’t know back then that unexplained insomnia was incredibly common among women living in betrayal and abuse. How could I? Nobody talked about it.

Then there were the canker sores… these mysterious ulcers in my mouth that seemed to come from nowhere.

Sometimes I would get 7 or 8 mouth ulcers at a time. I brushed. I flossed. I tried different toothpastes. I’d dab them with an alum stick. I tried oils. I tried salt. I tried numbing ointments from the pharmacy.

Nothing brought relief for more than a few minutes.

No doctor could give me an explanation. No doctor had any effective suggestion to make them stop. It was just one of those things “that are really rare and you shouldn’t worry about it continuing”.

Except they DID continue. And they brought intense headaches too. Sometimes the ulcers would be open nearly to the bone, right on or very near nerve lines. It hurt to eat, to drink, to even speak.

I’d get random unexplainable skin rashes, too. Itchy, resistant to creams or ointments. Not diagnosable as any recognizable dermatitis condition. Just… 🤷🏻‍♀️

It was excruciating.

I didn’t know back then that mysterious sores and rashes are common among women living in betrayal and abuse. How could I? Nobody talked about it.

And then there were the UTIs. They were just as unrelenting. Sometimes almost as painful as C-section recovery. I talked to my regular doctor. I went to a urologist. I visited my gynecologist. I even ended up in the ER for a day in unspeakable pain.

Everyone was at a loss. “We can’t find any reason for these issues. Just drink some cranberry juice and stay hydrated and hope it’ll get better.”

But it didn’t get better.

I didn’t know that medically inexplicable infections are common among women living in betrayal and abuse. How could I? Nobody talked about it.

But also… there were the bouts of IBS that left me needing Preparation H just to walk straight. Especially toward the end…

I wrote once in my journal during a season of in-house separation that if he walked into the room I was in — I’d immediately need to rush to the toilet. It was a visceral response to any physical proximity at all.

I lost noticeable weight. I suffered nonstop low grade headaches and neck tightness and years of TMJ/TMD from clenching my jaw in a stress response. My hair started falling out in fistfuls.

For over a decade, I lived in a constant state of inflammation — painfully swollen lymph nodes along my jawline and on my neck that never went away.

Fatigue.
Exhaustion.

I made a habit of ignoring my symptoms because 1) doctors never took me seriously anyway, and 2) there was nothing I could do about any of it, and 3) if I didn’t get things done nobody else would. So I smiled and curled my hair and put on a pretty dress and made jokes about my super high pain tolerance, and just kept going.

I didn’t know that intestinal distress, headaches, muscle tension, and inflammation are commonly noted physical responses to trauma among women living in betrayal and abuse. How could I? Nobody talked about it.

But I’m on the other side of it, now.
AND I’M TALKING ABOUT IT.

And you know what? Within a week of living alone in my house — I started sleeping deeply again. Within a few months…

The IBS vanished.
The skin rashes cleared up.
The headaches eased.

In the past decade I’ve had maybe ONE canker sore. And exactly zero UTIs.

It took a bit longer for my hair to stop falling out but it eventually grew back in. (Ya know… until chemotherapy made me go totally bald several years later 😝)

And looking back… I just want you to know…

You don’t have to be punched or slapped to experience physical abuse. Emotional and sexual and psychological mistreatment are abuse of the brain and organ tissues.

Your body can experience debilitating symptoms without ever getting a bruise.

If you’re going through a similar cluster of symptoms… I just want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s not just my story either — these are horrifyingly common experiences among my betrayal trauma coaching clients.

This is precisely why I do what I do. It’s why I coach survivors both in groups and 1:1. It’s why I do workshops and live calls with our coaching club membership. It’s why I train trauma-sensitive coaches and advocates.

Because somebody has got to be talking about it!

So… I may not be a doctor, but if any of this describes you, I’d definitely encourage you to keep talking to medical providers until you find someone who takes you seriously.

And sometimes… the only way to heal is to leave so you can stop breathing the poison air that’s killing you from the inside out.

Because staying… well…
…staying just might be slowly killing you.

Mark, a follower of this page, made this meme for my latest article. In the article, I briefly explain what the instructions to wives and husbands in Ephesians 5:22-33 are *not* about.
https://margmowczko.com/male-headship-ephesians-5/

Beware of this checklist and profile.

Covert narcissists present themselves very differently than overt narcissists do. They are usually more subtle and underhanded in the way they operate. They generally come across as more shy, sensitive, or insecure. They can sometimes portray themselves as a servant or helper to enmesh themselves in your life or they will portray themselves as someone who is “one-of-a-kind” and often misunderstood.

They crave admiration and importance while feigning a false humility or meekness. Under this façade, they possess a sinister nature that lacks true care or empathy toward others. They usually are highly envious of others they perceive as being better than them or having something they feel they deserve.

Covert narcissists are more sensitive to criticism than overt narcissists and become enraged if they feel slighted in any way. Often, they do not show this rage openly but instead, seethe inwardly while plotting their revenge. Covert abusers are highly calculating and know when to turn on and off their abusive behaviors. They usually fly under the radar so no one can pinpoint their toxic and vengeful retaliation and accuse them of being abusive.

Common Characteristics of a Covert Narcissist:

- jealous and controlling in subtle ways
- passive-aggressive and exploitative
- usually, they have a victim mentality
- their public image doesn’t match their private life
- false humility and envious of others
- smugness and quiet superiority
- a huge sense of entitlement and often breaches boundaries
- superficial relationships without depth or true vulnerability
- lack empathy for others

This is an updated version of the Web of Entrapment. It keeps evolving over time as I understand more from supporting survivors.