Writing vault

Toxic people who do something good every once in a while to keep you attached.

The ones who touch you when you need to be held,

The ones who show up last and leave first when you need someone stand by you,

The ones who wipe the tears that they caused,

The ones who give you a drop of love when you are ocean thristy,

The ones who get distant when you get close and get close when you get distant,

Those people do not love you.

Photo credits: .rolls on IG

Little ones,

I cannot promise that you would grow up trauma free. You will have scars to heal from; these scars will be the proof you truly lived.

But I promise that you will not have to learn the sound of the footsteps;

I promise that your pillow will not hold your muffled cries and screams;

I promise that silence will not mean anger or that I want nothing to do with you, it will just be silence;

I promise that feelings will always be valid and welcome; they will never be weak or shameful,

I promise that you will not be healing from me.

I passed by someone today,

Their sweater was laced with the citrusy amberwood scent I was always fond of,

They were listening to my favourite artist,

Their giggle was once the secret to mine,

They knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them, but we were strangers,

strangers with some memories.

Original Photo: on IG

Since you left, I have been angry at the world

I wanted someone to blame, someone to despise.

I blamed the stars for holding you when I could not,

I blamed the sunsets for reminding me how you felt like: warm, hopeful, and calming,

I blamed the waves for bringing me peace, something only your voice could,

I blamed my lungs for breathing air that I did not share with you,

I blamed my tears for leaving me behind, just like you did,

and I blamed my grief for fading when it was the last piece of love I could give you.

Photo credits: Youssef Sabry

I thought that people who had the same blood running in their veins running in mine would be my safe place, but they ended up hurting me the most.

I thought as soon as I hit my 20’s I would have my life figured out, but in fact that was when my world started falling apart.

I thought I would grow old with my first love, but my first love made me grow old.

I thought my childhood bestfriend would grow up with me, but we grew apart.

I also thought that strangers are my greatest threat, but some of them ended up healing what others broke,

I thought that feeling lost as I got older was abnormal, but I learned that things have to fall apart before they fall into place,

I thought that the friends I lost were the only ones I would have, but I met new people along the way who held onto me,

I thought that my last love would be dull, a settlement rather than love, but I burned for that love deeper than any other.

I never knew what yesterday held or what tommorow will hold; uncertainity is the only expectation that has not disappointed me.

Original photo: Mohamed Bahaa

I may not be the girl you marry,

But I’ll be the girl you tell your son about when he has his first heart break, and the girl you name your daughter after

I’ll be the girl you gave your all without overthinking, without caution, without a single doubt because you were foolishly in love

I’ll be the girl you experienced all of your firsts with, the butterflies, the insane heart beating, and even the fear of loss, the hurt, the hearbreak

I’ll be the girl whose memory peaks through your rusty brain when you’re 90, and once you remember me it will feel like you are 18 experiencing that teenage love all over again

I’ll be the girl whose prescence can fill the everlasting void in your heart, the one your soul yearns for, and the one you compare every love to.

You will always be a little bit mine.

————

جمَعَنا القدرُ حتي يُفَرقنا، و ربما فرَقَنَا ليجمَعنا،
لا أعلم كيفَ سينتَهِي بِنا الحال، لا أعلم إن كنتُ سأكون حبك الأخير، لكني أعلمُ أني حُبُكَ الأول،

الحبُ الذي يسكن الرُوح، الحبُ الصاخبُ المُتهَورُ الذي تبدأ مَعَه المشاعرُ الصادقةُ المُندفعةُ، و هو أيضا الحبُ الجارج ُالمؤلمُ الذي تبدو الحياة كأنها ستفني من بعدِه إلي أن يأتي حبٌ آخرٌ فيدفنه حياً،

فيمر الزمن و نشيب و تبقي الذكرى الوحيدة التي تطفو بذهنك هو أنا و أول لقاءٌ لنا، أول دقةُ قلبٍ و أول إبتسامة، الذكريات التي كانت المقياس كلما اردت فتح بابَ قلبك لأحداً أخر، القلبُ الذي كنت أول من يسكن فيه،

لذلك مهما إنتهي بنا الحال، ربما يغترب قلبك في وجُودِ الآخرين من بعدي لكنك دائماً ستجد نفسَك معي

Painting credits: writing vault

Yes, I do not want to heal. I can try but I don’t want to.

As much as the pain exhausts me, it is the last link I have to you.

I cannot imagine living my life and proceeding with it, without this twinge of pain, without the constant reminder that everything I do is without you.

If the pain of missing you ceased to be, there would be the guilt of not missing you.

It would make me feel as if I betrayed you, and I don’t think I am ready for that.

——————

يقهرُنِي ألمُ فراقِكَ كل يومٍ، مع ذلك أضمّه كلَمَا حاول أن يفَارِقَني،

هذا الألم هو الجزءُ الوحيدُ المتَبَقِي منك،
هذا الألم هو المذكِّرُ الوحيدُ أن كل حلمٍ أردتُ أن أحقِقَه معك، الآن أنا أحقِقُه لأجلك،

إذا لم أحتَضِن هَذَا الألم، سيحتَضنني الندمُ، و سيظل قلبي يصرخ بالحنين إليكَ، و يُحمِّلُني مَلامة نِسيانِك كأن فراقك كان هيناً

Original Photo: on IG

I thought that you broke my heart beyond repair,

Then I realized my heart is made to be broken.

My heart breaks when I see that old man eating by himself,

My heart breaks when I see my friend struggling and I sit there helpless,

My heart breaks when I see a child getting yelled at for simply being a child,

My heart breaks even in the happiest moments, when I try to soak them in knowing they will be merely a memory,

My heart is meant to break and heal every day; it is meant for the scars on my heart to form the beautiful story of who I am.

The thing is, you were never worth being part of it, you were never worth the heartbreak, ever.

Original photo: on IG

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تَشكوا عَائلتي مِن سُكُوتِي الدَائمِ و يشكُوا أصدِقَائي من إختِفَائي، و لا يعلَم أحد بالصِرَاع المُستَمِر بدَاخلي،
لكنْ لا ألومُهم، إعتَدّتُ أن أخُوض صَرَاعَاتي بمُفرَدي،

كيف أحكِي أني إذا جلَستُ مَع نفسِي تنهَار مِن قَسوةِ الألم، و تعلَقُ الحُروف بين فمِي و حنجَرَتِي، لأني أذا قَاسمتُ آلامي مع من أحب أصبَحَ الهمُ همّين: هم تَحمُل ألَمِي و هم أن أراهم حزاني لقِلَة حِيلتهم في التَخفِيف عَنِي.

فتبقَي الكَلِمَاتُ و الحُروفُ تطعَن بدَاخلي، حِينها حتَي الصمتُ يتَعجبُ مِن سُكُوتِي و مقدرَتِي علَي كتم كُل شئٍ.

Original photo:

أنا لم أُعَاملك بالمِثل أو كما وجَبَ أن أعَامِلَك،
كنت أعَامِلُك كما وددتُ أن أُعامَل،

إذا احتجتَ إلي رفيقٍ، كنتُ أول المُلَبِّين،
أذا خَذَلَك العَالمُ بأجمعه، كنتُ أول الدَاعمين،
أذا وددتَ أن تَجلِسَ وَحِيداً، كنتُ أقربُ لكَ مِن ظِلك خُوفَاً مِن أن ينفَردَ بِكَ حُزنُكَ،
حتي إذا خَانَتَك نَفسُك و تَشتتت ثِقَتُك، كنتُ أضُمك إلَي أن تلتَئم و تَعُود أشد صلَابة،

كنت أؤثركَ عَلي نَفسِي ظناً أنَ هَذا المَعني الوَحيد للحُب و الصَدَاقة، إلَي أن وجَدتُ نَفسي تَائهاً، مُستنزفاً، و غير مُفتقدٍ.

لم انتَظر منكَ أي مُقَابِل يا صَدِيقي، لكنكَ صممت أن تُقَابل حُبي لكَ بالخِذلان، و دَفنتَ صدَاقتَنا تحت أنقاض قلبي المُحَطّم.

كنت أعتَقِد أنكَ رَفِيق رُوحي، فَصِرتَ ندبةً دَائمةً في روحي.

Original Photo .a.relationship.with.artt on IG

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I don’t fall in love at first sight,

I fall in love the first time I feel peace in your presence,

I fall in love the first time I notice you worry about me more than yourself,

I fall in love the first time I catch myself smiling widely when I see you coming from a distance,

I fall in love the first time I feel the happiest doing the silliest things with you,

I fall in love the first time I cannot help but picture you when I think about my future,

I fall in love the first time I realize you treat my family and friends like your own, and not because I love them, but because you genuinely care for them.

I fall in love the first time I feel a part of me is missing when you are not around,

I fall in love the first time I allow myself to be vulnerable with you,

My love for you blooms like a flower, it unfolds with every moment of sunshine you bring into my life.

The younger version of me always thought that experiencing love is only exclusive to romantic relationships.

But as I grew up, I realized that love has no limits.

Love exists in the spontaneous hug you get from a friend who does not know you are feeling down.

Love exists when a distant friend calls out of the blue to check on you.

Love exists in “I saw this and thought of you” , “are you home”, “drive safe”, and many more phrases used daily.

Love exists in the fruit cup your parent, sibling, roommate, or friend prepared when you were crammed in work.

Love exists in your grandparents’ secret prayers for you.

Love exists in the smile of a random stranger, or their unexpected compliments.

Love exists whenever you see a beautiful sunset, or when you aimlessly stare at the beach waves crashing onto the shore.

Love exists everywhere, in the littlest of things, but it is only visible for those with eyes willing to see it.

Photo Credits: .rolls on IG

Writing vault myself in the rawest form.

“time heals all wounds” —

If you believe this, I bet you are lucky enough to have never experienced losing a part of yourself.

The never ending hollowness you get left with at the end of each day; the emptiness sparked by the places or the activities where someone used to be.

The vulnerability of being utterly helpless, of having no other choice but surrendering to the endless cycle of grief: denial, realization, anger, breakdown, and acceptance.

Acceptance is the hardest, because there is no way heaven needed them more than you do.

But you make it your purpose to honor the plans and promises once made. You lived the best years of your life with them, and now you are living for them.

People resume living, but they never stop grieving.

Original Photo:

The intimacy of eye contact

The intimacy of seeing someone’s true essence when your eyes meet theirs for the first time.

The intimacy of having every lock unlocked, every wall torn down, and every fear unraveled, as if you have a window to their soul.

The intimacy of having your insides melt and blend together like different chords blend in a melody,

The intimacy of having your cheeks heat up and that invoulntary smile drawn on your face.

The intimacy of having millions of thoughts rush into your brain, but ironically, at the same time, you cannot think of anything but those eyes, pouring into yours.

The intimacy of disconnecting from everything yet connecting to that one person, as if your souls are the matches, and your eyes are the striking surface.

The intimacy of every cell in your body begging you to break the stare, but you cannot. It feels as if you are held captive; nevertheless, you want to stay their eternally, at your own will.

Original Photo: on IG

I waited around to witness the funeral of the villain in you because that’s what love meant to me.

Instead, I am the one who ended up buried underneath my sorrows and worries.

I gasped for breath as if I was 5 feet under the ground, as if my lungs were filled with sand rather than air.

I dreaded the torment your prescence brought along, the stifness that replaced the comfort, and the throbbing pain in my heart hoping you would change.

But sadly, my heart was not mine anymore to hope neither was my mind. You enforced every decision I took, or rather forced me to back off on my decisions so I never leave.

The day I let you go was the the day I broke through the concrete; the day I was reborn.

Original Photo: on IG

“Don’t take it personal” —

No I would, and I will. Why?

Because I would have never done it to you.

I would have never disappeared on you.

I would have never put you in a place where you doubted my love.

I would have never left you to drown your thoughts, in the endless possibilities of what you could have done wrong.

I would have never protected my own feelings at the cost of hurting yours.

Whenever I wanted to push everyone away, I wanted to pull you closer.

Whenever I wanted to lose all hope, I held onto you, my anchor.

Whenever I started to loath myself, I remembered I was worth being loved by you.

But now, I loathe myself because I still love you.

Original photo: on IG

“Quality over quantity” —
“The smaller the circle, the better” —
“Be selective of people around you” — . .

These are all quotes and phrases I used to come across growing up. I preached them, But I realized I never really understood them.

I realized I never truly understood how fickle and ingenuine people are till this very moment.

I have strived to build a home with people who poured gasoline over all our bricks.

I have comforted and hugged people who took my empathy as chance to stab me in the back.

I have praised people and defended their names when they seized every chance to ruin mine, leaving me like a fool.

I have seen people loyal to their own habits and desires more than the people they ‘love’.

I have seen how you can befriend someone for years, thinking you know every detail about that person. However, one day, life puts you in a position where you realize you never really knew that person at all.

All you knew was the version of them you created; All you knew was a reflection of how purely you view the ones you love, but sadly it could not be farther from the truth.

Original photo: on IG

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The Everlasting conflict: Part I

Childhood best friends,

There is something about you that is quite irreplaceable. You remind me of a time when everything was simple. Every laugh, hug, and gesture was genuine, and straight from the heart.

We grew apart, but I’ll never forget the days we grew up side by side.

I’ll never forget the memories that now crack me up of our first times: first meeting, first time getting punished, or first time hanging out together in the arcade games alone, thinking we were all grown.

We no longer talk, but you cross my mind each time I pass by your house down the street. We no longer share every detail of our lives over the lunch break, but I see your stories and posts on social media. I just want to say, even if we turned out very differently, I am proud of the person you became.

We might not be friends now, but our roots will always be affiliated.

Thank you for making my childhood a little brighter and warmer. Thank you for all the times you stood by me. Last, but not least, Thank you for showing me the true meaning of friendship, when you did not even know it.

“I am not sure you love me anymore” —

Love you?

I spent days and nights praying for someone to give me love as pure as the one I offer, and not the leftovers of the broken.

I spent days and nights praying for someone I can shamelessly be myself with; Someone who accepts me
without a doubt.

I spent days and nights praying for someone to keep their promises amidst all the broken ones I got left with.

My heart longed for you before we even met.

And whenever my heart longed for you, I offered you the purest gift I can ever offer, I talked to god about you.

__________________

تَعتقد أنّي لَا أُحِبُّك و أنتَ لَحْنٌ تتغني بِه شَتَاتٌ قَلْبِي ،

تَعْتَقِد أنِّي لَا أُحِبُّك و أَنْت تَسْكُن رُوحِي و أُرِي نَفْسِي بأجمل الصِوَّرَ فِي وَجُودك ،

تَعْتَقِد أنِّي لَا أُحِبُّك و أَنْتَ أَوَّلُ مَنْ أثبتَ إلَيِ أَنَّ الْحُبَّ لَيْس عَهْد مَشْئُومٌ و يُمْكِنُ أَنْ يَدُومَ ،

تَعْتَقِد أنِّي لَا أُحِبُّك و أَنْت رَجَائِي مِنْ اللَّهِ مِنْ قِبَلِ أَنْ نَلْتَقِيَ ،

و كُلَّمَا اِشْتَاق لَك قَلْبِي ، حَدَثَت اللَّهُ عَنْك ، أَلَيْس أَعْظَم صُوَر الْحَبّ الدُّعَاء ؟

Photo Credits: on IG

I will never admit to myself that I fell for you, it means that I would have to accept that I lost you, I would have to mourn you, and honestly I am sick of grieving over the ones I love, dead and alive.

I cannot afford to give you a piece of my heart just for you to crush it and leave.

I cannot afford to have you as a part of my day, just so I can spend my days wondering where I went wrong.

I cannot afford to picture a future with you, just so I end up lost in the darkness, because that future revolved around you.

I cannot afford to show you my vulnerability, just so you can leave me naked, with all my doubts and fears unraveled.

I cannot nor am I willing to comprehend that I wanted you, almost had you, and lost a piece of myself with you, all when you were never meant to be mine.

Original Photo: on IG

Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love,

The people who invalidate your feelings just because they don’t see where you’re coming from,

The people that you try so hard to impress for them to just like you,

The people whose love is conditional; their attention is only available when you have something to offer in return.

The people that make you think about your words over and over before you say them, fearing they might misunderstand or misjudge you,

The people who quickly get angry and distant with you on every minor inconvenience,

And remember no one can make you feel negative about yourself whatsoever unless you give them your consent, so before you let someone love you, learn to love yourself.

Then don’t settle for anyone but those who will always choose you entirely, all the good parts and the bad ones; The people who will choose you, over and over, with doubt, in a heartbeat.

Photo Credits: on IG

On a random evening, it just starts getting bad again.

Your days pass by in a blur, you feel numb or like all the emotions any human can experience all at once.

You find reasons to withdraw from your friends and isolate. These voices in your head are louder than ever, whispering “you are everyone’s second choice” or “you are not doing your best”

You sleep for most of the day to shut out those voices. You sleep because once you wake up, you know you have to live yet for another day, to walk around carrying the burden of existence.

You spend hours staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what went wrong; you feel hopeless, worthless, and uncomfortable in your own skin, with no way out.

But trust me, it gets easier. In the end, you will always find a way out. I hope you always have someone who holds onto that hope for you, until you can hold it yourself.

Photo Credits: on IG

The Writing Vault (@writingvault) • Instagram photos and videos 175 Followers, 21 Following, 64 Posts - See Instagram photos and videos from The Writing Vault ()

If you want to make me happy, don’t tell me that I am pretty, or you love the way I look.

Tell me my smile is contagious,

Tell me I make you feel valid and heard,

Tell me I am a people-person, and you feel better in my prescence.

Tell me you love my energy,

Tell me I have a big heart,

Tell me conversations with me are always light hearted,

Tell me I inspire you,

Tell me I make a difference; tell me I have something to offer.

To the one who looks at me from heaven, I miss you.

Don’t ever think that time made me forget you, your absence breaks me everyday like you just departed.

But instead of sulking, I decided to make you my motive, I decided that I would do everything we once talked about.

I made a promise to myself to make you proud, so I can tell you all about it when we are reunited.

——————-
إِلي حبيبي الذي لن يعود، الجنة محظوظة بلقائك لكني أفتقدك.

فراقك حطم كل مقاييس الألم، و مهما مرت الآيام لا أنساك، بل يكسرني غيابك أكثر.

أنت لست أمامي لكنك دائما في قلبي. فأحاول جاهدًا أَن لا أدع حزني يغلبني، أحاول جاهدًا أَن أكون كل ما تمنيته لتكون فخورا بي إلي أَن يجمعني الله بك.

Photo Credits: Unknown

To the one who looks at me from heaven, I miss you. Don’t ever think that time made me forget you, your absence breaks me everyday like you just departed. But instead of sulking, I decided to make you my motive, I decided that I would do everything we once talked about. I made a promise to myself to make you proud, so I can tell you all about it when we are reunited. ——————- إِلي حبيبي الذي لن يعود، الجنة محظوظة بلقائك لكني أفتقدك. فراقك حطم كل مقاييس الألم، و مهما مرت الآيام لا أنساك، بل يكسرني غيابك أكثر. أنت لست أمامي لكنك دائما في قلبي. فأحاول جاهدًا أَن لا أدع حزني يغلبني، أحاول جاهدًا أَن أكون كل ما تمنيته لتكون فخورا بي إلي أَن يجمعني الله بك. Photo Credits: @amr_amin55 #writer #writing #writersofinstagram #writingvault #writersofig #writeaway #love #loss #death #mourn #mourning #grief #grieving #griefjourney #relationship #grandparents #grandpa #regret #remorse #fy #fyp #foryou #fypage #foryoupage #quote #quoted #quotes #quotesandsayings #griefquotes #griefsupport

what if I never met you?

what if life took me in a different direction and we remained strangers?

what if we never talked and gave each other that space to fall in love?

Millions of different scenarios race into my mind when I try to find an answer.

my heart would not be in pieces, or would it be in pieces by someone else?

I would have more faith in people who claim to love me, or is it a trait you lose when you mature?

I would not have trouble showing my love for the ones I love, or was I not affectionate all along?

I would not have trouble going to my favorite places that we once shared, or was I meant to grow out of them anyway?

I would let myself fall for another person, or was it my rule, and you were the only exception?

my mind asks me all these questions, but I know that if I had the choice, I would do it all again. I do not want to un-meet you. I just wish you remained the same person I fell for. I just wish you did not taint my image of love with your lies and deception. and the ultimate question remains:

was the person I fell for really there? or were you the same person all along but love had me blindfolded?

Photo Credits: Rola Khalil

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“I am emotionless, I can’t feel anything anymore” —

You said, but:

You fold clothes when you are shopping so the worker at the fitting room does not have to, especially when it is crowded.

You wait for anyone who is behind while the rest of your group moved forward.

You hold the door wide open with a smile on your face for the person behind you.

You let people take your turn when they are in a hurry or overwhelmed because waiting a couple more minutes won’t matter for you.

You make people feel welcomed when they reach out to you because you know they will be hesitant after not checking up on you for ages.

You leave your place for others to sit even if your legs are killing you.

You make a little conversation with the cashier you just met and ask how they are doing while paying for your coffee, and leave them with the biggest smile on their face, everytime.

You are not emotionless; you feel and empathize with others. You just have trouble feeling for yourself.

Photo Credits: Yasmin Elhamahmy

I have always loved the sense of security that independence gave me, the power of not “needing” anyone.

People come and go, and I come home to me everyday, and it never made me feel empty.

However, along the way I met you, and the shell I built for myself started crumbling to ashes.

I hated that I wanted to share my thoughts and worries with you every chance I got.

I hated that you infiltrated my daily thoughts, and how often I wonder about you.

I hated that you became the first one I tell when I am happy, and the only one I want to talk to when I am sad.

I hated that you made your way into my heart, and gave it power to over rule my mind, again.

And most of all, I hated that I did not hate any of these things at all.

I just convinced myself I did because I cannot lose myself, not this time, not again.

Photo Credits: .a.relationship.with.artt on IG

I am a very distant friend. I choose to love my friends, even the closest ones, from afar because I just like being in my own bubble; I enjoy my own company a little too much.

I am not the friend who calls/texts you all day to check in. I am not the friend who is involved in the details of your day. I am not the friend who knows that new shirt you like or the new piece of jewelry you bought, I am not the friend who laughs with you through the phone when the most random things happen at home, I am not the friend people ask when they want to know your whereabouts. I am not the friend who is good with long paragraphs and cheesy texts.

But I am the friend who picks up at 3 pm or 3 am when you want to cry, or when you’re so happy you can’t contain it anymore. I am the friend that compliments your new shirt just to put a smile on your face, I am the friend that motivates you when you seem off, even if I don’t know what’s wrong. I am the friend who never forgets you in prayers, even if we have not talked for ages. I am the friend that shows love for you through the simplest words like “I miss you”, “drive safe”, “tell me when you get home”, or “I am proud of you” because I say so genuinely.

I am the friend who notices everything and feels for you; However, I am consumed by my inner battles that rarely any energy remains for me to show I do care.

Don’t tell me you love me for the first time on new year’s, halloween’s, or any other ocassion.

Don’t tell me you love me for the first while the sun sets, the moons shines above, or when we are laughing our hearts out, soaked in the rain.

Don’t tell me you love me at the beach while the crashing waves become a melody to your confession.

Don’t tell me you love me while your eyes burn into mine, and our fingers interwine.

When you tell me you love me for the first time, don’t make it special. Please don’t ruin these things for me.

Make it mundane like the pack of ci******es you smoke or the cup of coffee you drink each morning.

Make it dull, so when you leave, I won’t be taunted by the sunset, the moonlight, the waves, and everything I once loved.

Photo Credits: .a.relationship.with.artt on IG

“I ended us, but you ruined us” —

You ruined us when let your possessiveness exceed your love for me.

You ruined us when you painted my friends as the bads guys because you wanted my life to revolve around you.

You ruined us when you manipulated my emotions because you were too afraid I’d leave.

You ruined us when you made me question my worth when I was with you.

You ruined us when you you did me wrong, but you made me feel guilty for how I reacted.

You ruined us when you made me cry and grieve over our relationship when we were
still together.

You ruined us when you made me hate who I am when I am with you.

Photo Credits: on IG

“More than friends, less than lovers” —

I used to find this sentence nonsense, until I met you.
Friends whose eyes meet in a group, maybe for a little too long.
Friends who jokingly flirt.
Friends who are selfless in that they care, respect, support each other without expecting anything in return.
Friends who mean the world for each other, and connect more than anyone else.
Friends who promised not to fall in love but their hearts long to be interwined.
Friends who found joy in suffering because they would rather be in pain than lose their friendship.

Phot Credits: Jomana Elzoghby

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One sided love, if it even deserves to be a form of love at all, tears you apart whether you are the one giving or receiving it.

If you are the giver, you keep waiting for something you know will never happen, but you choose to hold on to that tiny shred of hope. You just keep dreaming that one day they would share the same feeling with you. You always have a war between your heart and your brain: mixed feelings and overthinking that taunts you. It is like slowly suiciding, killing your pride, your self-respect, and your ability to love. A grief journey that never ends about what ‘could’ have been.

If you are the receiver, you just feel helpless and guilty for your inability to love them back. You start loathing yourself because you know whatever you do will break them eventually. If you are good to them, you are leading them on, and if you push them away, you are mean because you did not give it a chance. Guilt starts eating away at your sanity, and all the sweet gestures you recieve make you want to burn in the sun rather than fly over the moon.

In the end, both feelings are out of their hands. The giver cannot force the reciever to fall in love, and the receiver cannot force the giver to fall out of love.

Inspired and edited by: Doudy Elrashidy

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Falling in love with someone is a one way ticket. Once it happens, the feelings never go away.

You just find someone that you love more that your feelings for the first person diminish, or the reasons that drive you apart just become stronger than the ones which hold you together.

You know you still love them if your eyes somewhat shine upon seeing them or if your heart drops, in a good way and beats rapidly, when someone mentions their name, when their name appears on your mobile phone, when you still admire all the traits you once admired, when you still reminisce over all the memories, when you are grateful they taught you how to love , so you can love the next person harder, when you wish them all the best, even if it is not with you. You just want to see them happy no matter what!

It is your mind that falls out of love; it is the mind that accepts the loss and moves on, while every night it tries not to think about them before sleep, but the heart? They will always own a part of it until it stops beating altogether.

Inspired and Edited by: Doudy Elrashidy
Photo Credits: Doha Saeed

One of the most agonizing facts I had to accept is outgrowing the people I love, even when I tried my best not to. It is painful because it just happens without any tangible reasons or closure.

I just suddenly find that communicating ends up with an argument everytime. To avoid such arguments, I start guarding certain aspects of my life from the said person, I start thinking of my choice of words and topics before I speak that it just becomes draining. I find myself unable to reach out when I need them because I am afraid they won’t understand, or they might judge me.

As time passes, these relationships feel restricting, suffocating, like thrones surrounding a blooming flower. I can either grow beyond those thrones and become my best self, no matter how torturing it might be, or live my whole life as someone I am not.