Chelilange_author

Do you ever experience conflict that includes the same kinds of reactions over and over?

Often when negative cycles are in the mix, one or both partners start doing very human and remarkably unhelpful things, such as: - defending - criticizing - avoiding the problem - avoiding altogether…

“When there is conflict we have to slow things down, and the movement of the spotlight visual gives us something memorable to relate to when our brains get all righteous or jumbly because we want to rely on our person and disconnection from them is likely scary to us on some level.”
—Cheli Lange, The Spotlight of Love: Insights and Skills for Couples

What one partner considers to be a perfectly logical attempt to help the situation often falls flat for the other. When we add the impact of any traumatic or stressful events experienced by one or both partners, the potential for disconnection becomes even more understandable.

From fear, partners often say, think, and do things that harm the relationship, like defending, criticizing, or avoiding. Many couples have a way to talk through the inevitable disruptions that arise, but when the interactions repeat without resolution, monstrous negative cycles can develop that are difficult to reverse without help.

When moments of conflict and tension occur between partners, harshness or disinterest may appear on the surface, while underneath either partner may be experiencing fears.

Under stress and with these fears, even the most caring, compassionate, and open-minded people can shift into a mindset of right versus wrong, good versus bad, and me versus you. In these moments, the essence of we is shielded from view.

In his book How to Love, Tibetan monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh highlights the essential nature of secure relationships. In terms of the Vietnamese language, this nature is embedded in the very naming of life partners, who refer to each other simply as what translates as my home. Imagine establishing or reestablishing a relational foundation so strong and flexible that home can be found in the shape, the manner, the very expression of the one you love, wherever you are.

“There’s so much that’s good,” couples will say, and while that’s true, it is also true that partners can get disconnected pretty quickly.

Versions of this story are common for couples at any stage of relationship. Even when a big event has caused the disconnection (e.g., an affair, a job loss, a death in the family, etc.), a difficult repeating pattern of interaction often lurks underneath, keeping them from being a reliable source of comfort for each other when that’s what they need most.

In this book we will explore various topics including: • how to create a balanced relationship • what a drama triangle is and how to exit that thing as quickly as possible • how to regulate the metaphorical heat on the burners of your very real relationship • ways to think about the goodness of fit between you at different stages.

Although spotlights are sometimes thought of as an interrogation device or indicate uncomfortable attention in front of a crowd, there is another type of spotlight that is neither harsh nor demanding. The spotlight of love shines loving care and attention and has the potential to be a deeply inspiring, soothing, and healing force.

For the health and happiness of the relationship, each partner needs time in the other’s focused loving care (a.k.a. the Spotlight), yet there are many ways in which we all struggle to give and receive this light.

The Spotlight of Love: Insights and Skills for Couples is designed to help you create integrity with your AWE (Actions, Words, and Energy) by helping you identify and address blocks, giving you a little structure and lots of room to be your authentic selves.

All proceeds—100% of sales—are donated to the Trauma Recovery—EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Programs, an organization working to deliver effective treatment of psychological trauma in underserved communities anywhere in the world.

Seeking guidance to make sure you and your partner are there for each other long-term? To discover where your relationship might be stuck? Or for finding someone who is a good fit as a dating partner?

The Spotlight of Love: Insights and Skills for Couples:
-Demystifies common negative cycles
-Offers practical skills for de-escalating tense moments
-Addresses the nuances of relationship at different stages

As a licensed psychotherapist, specializing in trauma and couples therapies, I wrote this book to explore the human things we do to love and be loved - with the aim of helping couples and families live healthy and fulfilling lives.

All proceeds benefit Trauma Recovery—EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Programs.

Currently available on: Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/s?k=spotlight+of+love&crid=3BKF0L9N26EL&sprefix=spotlight+of+love%2Caps%2C109&ref=nb_sb_ss_pltr-ranker-10hours_1_17)