Not Just A Pink Ribbon

A decade ago
over who was
to blame about
how big of a mess
I have become

eventually,
they couldn't be
in the same room
with each other

now my head and heart
share custody of me

I stay with my brain
during the week
and my heart
gets me on weekends
they never speak to one another

instead, they give me
the same note to pass
to each other every week
and their notes they
send to one another always
says the same thing:

"This is all your fault"
on Sundays
my heart complains
about how my
head has let me down
in the past
and on Wednesday
my head lists all
of the times my
heart has screwed
things up for me
in the future

they blame each
other for the
state of my life
there's been a lot
of yelling - and crying

so,lately, I've been
spending a lot of
time with my gut
who serves as my
unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the
window in my ribcage
and slide down my spine
and collapse on my
gut's plush leather chair
that's always open for me

~ and I just sit sit sit sit
until the sun comes up

last evening,
my gut asked me
if I was having a hard
time being caught
between my heart
and my head

I nodded

I said I didn't know
if I could live with
either of them anymore
"my heart is always sad about
something that happened yesterday
while my head is always worried
about something that may happen tomorrow,"
I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand
"I just can't live with
my mistakes of the past
or my anxiety about the future,"
I sighed

my gut smiled and said:
"in that case,
you should
go stay with your
lungs for a while,"

I was confused
- the look on my face gave it away

"if you are exhausted about
your heart's obsession with
the fixed past and your mind's focus
on the uncertain future
your lungs are the perfect place for you
there is no yesterday in your lungs
there is no tomorrow there either
there is only now
there is only inhale
there is only exhale
there is only this moment
there is only breath
and in that breath
you can rest while your
heart and head work
their relationship out."

this morning,
while my brain
was busy reading
tea leaves
and while my
heart was staring
at old photographs
I packed a little
bag and walked
to the door of
my lungs

before I could even knock
she opened the door
with a smile and as
a gust of air embraced me
she said

"what took you so long?"

~ John Roedel (johnroedel.com)

As campaigns for breast cancer awareness start to hit your social platform feeds, please do not forget that this is what the disease really looks like.

We don’t need our illness stamped on a product with a pink ribbon that will donate a few dollars (if that) for your purchase. These companies are profiting at our expense!

We need RESEARCH!
We need ACTION!
We need real funding that will show respect and understanding of our own personal experiences!

If you do choose to donate for breast cancer awareness month please ensure the money goes whole heartedly towards research and better treatment options.

This link shows a range of Australian organisations that have different roles and missions.

**kcancer

Breast Cancer Network Australia Homepage Breast Cancer Network Australia (BCNA) works to ensure a better journey for all Australians affected by breast cancer.

This is what I’m having done today in preparation for my double mastectomy - it’s called a Ni**le Delay **kcancer

Hi I’m Cass! When I was 36 I thought I could feel a little lump on the side of my left breast. It was hard to find and feel but I knew that it wasn't there previously.

I went to a random local bulk billing doctor who when I explained told me that I was TOO YOUNG for breast cancer, but agreed to take a look. He did a very quick exam and then when he couldn't feel it he told me that there is this thing where a patient can feel things but no one else can. Basically he was saying that IT WAS IN MY HEAD.

Over the next 2 years I kept feeling the lump and waiting to see if I would get any other symptoms to push me to go get checked again (like redness, dimpling anything at all). Nothing happened but I kept asking my husband to feel it. He said it didn't feel like a lump it felt like a muscle knot.

Then one day I had my masseuse here and she did a whole heap of massage down my sides and must have drained my lymph nodes because after when I asked my husband to feel it he said it feels much rounder and like it has an edge instead of just flat and I should get it checked.

I went to my NEW doctor who was amazing and he was very thorough and sent me straight for scans. The first scan was inconclusive but required a biopsy for further testing. I went and had that done.
I was there for 4 hours with many mammograms and scans so I knew that I had breast cancer by the time I saw the doctor at 7pm.
It was OBVIOUS even though the staff tried to be subtle about it.

My only concern at that time was if it had spread to my lymph nodes. I was told no it hadn’t and that I would be contacted in a few days time with the biopsy results to determine what type of cancer it was. I was given a HUGE stack of pamphlets and a meeting with the breast care nurse and sent home. That was 29 October 2019.

The next few weeks were setting up with scans, bloods, oncologists etc. I had triple positive breast cancer ( ER+, PR+, Her2+). I was given neoadjuvant treatment starting 25 November 2019 .

They said they wanted to HIT IT HARD, chemo and then surgery. I had 6 spots in the left breast (2 IDC and 4 DCIS).
I was put on 14 rounds of treatment (once every 3 weeks). The treatment was docetaxol, carboplatin and Herceptin.
I had my double mastectomy with reconstruction implants on April 1 2020 and the surgeon said MARGINS WERE CLEAR. I was so happy!

About 6 weeks later the hospital called to say that they had tested the mass from surgery and my chemo regime had not been successful. I was then put onto tdm-1/kadcyla for another 14 rounds to mop up any escapees as well as my monthly zoladex injections and daily Tamoxifen tablets to suppress my hormones as my cancer was 95% responsive to eostrogen.

I finished chemo on March 1 this year ❤️

Cass Bailey

**kcancer

Shared from the beautiful Boryana Stoykova-Dimova ❤️❤️❤️

Много жени, живеят тихо, в самота, скрити сами в болката си. Сами с рака си и всички мисли около тая диагноза. Живеят сами с белезите си и ги крият, да не би случайно някой да им каже, че не е удачно да се показват така пред хората. Онези, хора, които си мислят, че на тях не може да се случи, че те са защитени, че те са нещо повече от тия бедни женици с рак, дето ей ся ще умрат.

Аз познавам много жени с рак на гърдата. Някои умират, някои не умират.

Но познавам и много жени без рак на гърдата, които също умират. Ей, така хоп и ги няма, пък тия с рака си живеят.

Така, че не бъдете толкова надменни спрямо останалите хора, независимо от обстоятелствата. Последните се променят бързо, понякога твърде бързо.

Много жени живеят скрити от света, носят белезите си тайно и скришом, набързо се събличат и обличат, да не би някоя нежна душа да се засегне от гледката на реконструирана гърда, хеле пък недей Боже, отрязана. Представете си какъв ужас ще изживее таз нежна душа...

Хайде сега си представете, че това нещо някой всъщност го преживява всеки ден лично и престанете да сте такива нежни, меки китки.
И вземете малко помислите, че освен вас и вашите нежни души, болки в ръцете, в чатала, в гъза и в мозъка, има хора, които наистина минават през някакви неща без да мрънкат и ежедневно да се оплакват колко тежък е животът.

Това е така, защоти знаят цената на това да са живи и се наслаждават на всяка секунда. Вземете пример и не гледайте със съжаление и снисхождение понеже не се знае чий ред е, след малко.

Горното е за всички жени, които се срамуват и притесняват от белезите си.

Вие сте по - силни от останалите.
Ценете се малко повече.
Вие сте бойци и не сте цици и коси.
Вие сте воини.
И аз съм една от вас и се гордея с това ❤
Никога не съм била слабачка и нямам намерение тепърва да ставам❤

На ония клюкари, които питат оттук оттам какво ми има, ще кажа, че е по-добре да не знаете, защото няма да го понесете, както не можете да понесете и мен, такава каквато съм и без това, което ми имаШЕ. Ракът ми ви е най-малкият проблем.

Идвам/х ви в повече 🤣

Не ми проверявайте профила, за да видите дали съм още жива.

Легендите, както и звездите не умират! Поне не толкова бързо, колкото жалките, малки, страхливи душици.

А да, и няма да си сменя профилната снимка!
Не се олицетворявам нито с косата си, нито с гърдите си, нито с рака си.

Аз съм БОРЯНА!

Чао.

**kcancer

Animation of what happens during mastectomy surgery due to breast cancer…

**kcancer

Cuba Medika on TikTok Mastectomy Due to breast Cancer cubamedika medikainternational see your doctor

You have cancer.
I have cancer. Inflect each word. *I* have cancer. I *have* cancer. I have *cancer*. The bliss of ignorance, gone. The unknown can’t become unknown ever again. The burden of knowledge—so.very.heavy.
On this three year anniversary of hearing those [every bit literal] LIFE-TRANSFORMING words, the burden remains…and it remains even heavier than on that dreadful day. Here’s what I’ve learned:
Grit. Courage. Vulnerability. To take the hard road and let the hurt prove purpose. I have an army…both heavenly and here in my people. Counter-cultural, relentless authenticity is bold and it takes bravery to value it, and even though not everyone can receive it, it’s still worth it. “Be,” presence, and living short when everything around me is oppositely focused. Listening. Choosing the surrender. Believing. Trusting that the undistracted quiet offers a deeper depth…and deciding not to run from it. Allowing change. Allowing humility. Allowing lessons. Allowing suffering. Because God wastes nothing and I am challenged not to, either. Resilience has room for needing help, for “weak knees,” for tears, for crying out for rescue. Resilience is not faked strength. Surviving can be hard and that it’s okay to be confused, that it’s okay to be frustrated that heaven didn’t come when it was so close…Yet it’s also a gift not everyone gets, so survive richly. Feelings matter so let them matter. It’s okay that my kids see me struggle – With denial. With reality. With pain. With faith. With acceptance. It’s okay to not know what doesn’t need to be known until it’s time to know it. And then when I know it, use it. Wisely. That I’ll never get to do today again. Priorities. It’s acceptable to say, ‘I’ve never done this before so I don’t know what to do or how to feel.’ Anniversaries can be hard. 3 years later. And they don’t have to be qualified with a positive opposite. Both/And is healthy—it’s okay to be both crushed by the devastation of grief and driven to use its depth for good. And to maintain the sentiment: I always have something to learn.
Cancer, you’ve torn me to shreds, you’ve brutally taken things from me. You’ve caused the deepest pain both imaginable and unimaginable. You’ve terrorized my family and my life. You’ve wounded me soul-deep and left nasty, ugly scars that tell a terrible story. But the story isn’t over and I’m willing to live out it’s magnitude…whatever it looks like.

*Amber is a Board Certified Life Coach and the owner of The Purposed Sailor, LLC, Survivorship Coaching. She is there to help people become the richest versions of themselves, through adventure and through pain. Having also trained and experienced in support group facilitation and grief work.
Being a survivor of breast cancer at a young age herself, Amber offers Cancer Survivorship Coaching for individuals diagnosed with cancer. While mostly designed for those post-treatment, it can also be very beneficial for those in treatment.
Click the link below for more info!

Let's Survive Well. Together. - The Purposed Sailor I’m a Life Coach (and a survivor) who wants to help other survivors use their incredible stories to authentically and intentionally live on purpose.

Loving that these guys are raising awareness ❤️❤️❤️

Sarah Harding from pop group Girls Aloud died at 39 😭
Diagnosed with advanced breast cancer only 12 months before.
Fly high pink sister! Thank you for sharing your story with the world and spreading awareness before you left us 💖

Girls Aloud star dead at 39 Pop star Sarah Harding has died aged 39, barely 12 months after she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

It is estimated that in 2021 close to 1000 young women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in Australia and 79 are estimated to die from this disease. That’s about 3 women under 40 years old diagnosed every day and more than 1 dying each week.

Whilst these numbers may seem small compared to women aged 40 and over, breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in young women in Australia, and also the most common cause of cancer deaths.

Overall, the 5-year survival rate in young women is lower compared to women aged 40 and over.
In 2013-2017 the relative 5-year survival rate in women aged 20-39 was 89.6%, compared to women aged 40-59 years was 93.4%.

Young women are also more likely to be diagnosed or diagnosed late with more aggressive breast cancers, like triple-negative breast cancer.

Willow - 32
I found the lump about 5yrs before diagnosis. It was not painful at first but over time became painful to press on, then painful all the time. I had ductal carcinoma insitu, stage 1, grade 1, 1cm, ER+. Treatment was lumpectomy + 6wks radiation. I refused Tamoxifen.
My new partner felt the lump and kept bringing it up. I only went because I was due for a pap smear and had been feeling tired and run down despite being fitter and healthier than I’d ever been so I thought I’d get it checked while I was there for a blood test. I think I was lucky that I went to a doctor I didn’t know. I don’t think a familiar doctor would’ve taken it seriously.
I took it hard emotionally and struggled with depression. The distress brought on more health problems that are with me for life. 6yrs down the track and I still worry at times that it might come back but I’m doing ok 😊

Alisha - 29
Diagnosed stage 4 at 29 years after being dismissed for 18months, only when I was pregnant did they take me serious towards the end to biopsy it, over 9 n abit cm, 6 lymphnode, Padgett disease of the ni**le, had to have my mastectomy while 33 weeks pregnant, baby qt 36weeks and found out I was stage 4 when he was 18days old and 2 days before my first treatment was scheduled to be told it was no longer to save my life only to extend it.

Courtney - 22
Finally diagnosed after being told it was most likely “just an infection” and sent away with antibiotics.

"What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an idiot for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

Maybe… You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “f**k this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

Sarah - 27
I also have a myofiblastic tumour between my lungs.... fun times.
Go herceptin.... the breast cancer is shrinking!!
I wish I believed that I could get cancer at 25... or I would probably be cured by now.
But you know... breast cancer is only for the older ladies right?!
Wrong.
Go get checked, and remind your friends too.... saving lives by getting it early if you can

The fear of recurring breast cancer can be harder for some people then going through the treatment.

For my fellow pinkies this article takes a deep dive in to the different emotions and fears we may or may not have. If you have anything to add or you’d like to share your experience please comment below ❤️

I personally feel like at the moment I’m going through all the steps, one after the other… scans, diagnosis, surgery, chemo… soon to be more surgery..

… what happens when I am ‘cancer free’?

Musings from a breast cancer survivor; how to deal with the fear of recurrence. ~ The fear of recurrence after breast cancer is something all survivors grapple with. Here is how I have learned to live with it.

I'm Cassie, diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer Oct 2020 at 32 years old after having my 3rd baby 11 months before hand.
Misdiagnosed as mastitis because I was "too young" but an amazing ultrasound tech and surgeon pushed for a biopsy and 9 days later I was having surgery to remove my 13cm tumour and cancerous tissue.
They didn't get clear margins and I had a positive sentinel node. Genetic testing come back as chek2 mutation so I am having a dmx with immediate diep reconstruction and left auxiliary clearance next Tuesday!

**Cassie has been blogging every step of the way on her journey with cancer. The post I'm sharing below really resonated with me, as some comments I hear about women having reconstructed DMX is that we are getting a "free b**b job" or a "mummy makeover".
Cassie describes this so well... Thankyou for allowing us to share your perspective. We wish you all the best with your surgery ❤️

Hi my name is Debbie and at the young age of 26 I found a lump in my left breast.
It was the size of a pea. I was quite thin so you could actually see it poking out from the side of my breast. I was a single mum to my 5 year old boy Anthony, working for a high end Law firm in Melbourne and life was good.

I told my girlfriends about the lump and they demanded I go get it checked. So I did. One week later I went back for my results and I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous even whilst being told by my GP the previous week it’ll be nothing – ‘you’re too young’. Too my surprise he was right! He told me the mammogram and ultrasound had shown that it was just a fibroadenoma! He said no need to stress, it will probably just go away on its own and there was no need to worry or do any follow ups. I was so relieved as you can imagine!

One year later, I met a beautiful man and life was great. My son was doing well I still loved my job and life was just going beautifully. Until my partner whilst mucking around lifted me up and felt a lump on the side of my left breast. I had never given it another thought as I felt satisfied and trusted my doctor and my results the previous year. I felt what he was feeling and sure enough it actually was the same lump but much bigger. He made me book an appointment for another mammogram and ultrasound. This time it came back unknown. I was referred to a breast surgeon where she did a fine needle biopsy but we still didn’t get any answers.
She suggested we do surgery to be certain. I was booked in for the next week. When I woke from the surgery, she came to one side of my bed with a nurse on the other, the nurse squeezing my hand as my surgeon told me: ‘I’m so sorry Debbie but it is breast cancer.’

I was in denial, I cried, I was in shock and demanded for them to call my boyfriend to take me home as I was convinced they were lying to me or had my test results mixed up with an older person. Young girls like me didn’t get cancer! They calmed me down. I called my partner and I left the hospital that night.
The next week I came to terms with it with a lot of help from my family and friends (no Facebook groups back in those days) and was booked in for the lumpectomy and auxiliary clearance which I almost didn’t go through with. My cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. I can’t help but think that when I first found that lump if they had only taken it out, then maybe it wouldn’t have spread to my lymph nodes. This thought made me so furious.
They took 9 nodes and it had spread to 4. I had an aggressive oestrogen positive cancer.
I refused chemo but had radiation for 6 weeks and went on Zolidex injections for 7 years.

Cancer was kept at bay with my healthy lifestyle until March 2020. My whole world felt like it was crashing down again. This time there was no mucking around. The lump was on the same breast so a single mastectomy was booked for the following week. I wanted a double mastectomy to lessen my chances of more cancer in the future, however my surgeon refused to take a healthy breast and due to COVID she was limited. So unfortunately I couldn’t even have an immediate reconstruction. This time I had ER POSITIVE 80% and HER 2 POSITIVE cancer.
I endured chemo this time and Herceptin which I finished in April. I’ve just finally completed a long stretched out reconstruction thankyou to COVID and I’m supposed to start Tamoxifen now. I’m not thrilled about another hormone blocker for the next 5 years in fact I’m terrified of all the possible side effects. I feel if this had of been found when I was 26, I may not have become a victim to cancer at all.

Even at 49 people say to me ohh you’re so young!
We need to be heard and seen even when we are in our 20’s and that’s all there is too it.
Early detection saves lives.

Hi I'm Casey, now 37, Perth WA. Diagnosed with IDC triple neg breast cancer (Brca 1 and 2 tests came back inconclusive resulting in a undetermined cause for the cancer) in March 2020, 2 weeks prior to turning 36.

I have received chemotherapy, opted for a double masectomy and radiation through the on off lockdowns last year. Last treatment finished mid November 2020 which was radiation.

My symptoms prior to being diagnosed were not the normal breast cancer symptoms and I feel that if my body wasn't warning me my outcome could have been very different. I was quite a gym ju**ie. Attending 3-5 times a week however 6-8 months prior to diagnosis I didn't seem to have the strength to do anything after a day's work. I put it down to being busy and a little stressed at work. I then got a cough out of nowhere, I didn't have a cold or anything to cause this cough and it hit my chest pretty hard. I attended a walkin GP to get a course of antibiotics as it just seemed to be a chest infection and I wasn't overly concerned.

Half way through the course of antibiotics I got a very large and painful swollen area under my left armpit. Again knowing that your glands can swell to fight infections I didn't think too much of it and continued on with another weeks of antibiotics. It was just by chance that I was getting up off the couch and felt a painful pinch and the gland move oddly that I wondered what was going on, it now started to not feel right.

I went back to the walkin GP to discuss and was told to go on another course of antibiotics. I didn't feel right about this and asked if it should be checked out. It was discouraged and I left with another script. Not happy with that outcome I thought Id get a second opinion or find a GP that would investigate.

I found a lovely GP that sat and listened to my concern maybe thinking I was overeacting but agreed to send me of to have an ultrasounds. It took a few weeks to get an appointment but once scanned it all came to light that I had cancer. I was asked to sit in the changing cubicle while the scans were being looked at and then was asked to come back in to scan my breast. I was placed back in the change cubicle for quite sometime. It was at this point, alone in a small cubicle in a medical gown that the fear hit my stomach .... "my god what did they find?" was on repeat in my mind.

4 staff members then arrived in front of me advising they had spoken with my GP and I would need to come back at the next available appointment for a mammogram and biopsy. All I could say was "it's cancer isn't it?" I wasn't told anything just that it would be discussed with my GP and I'd have speak with them. The mammogram happened straight away however I had to come back for the biopsy.

I remember receiving the call from the GP asking to come in for an urgent appointment. My heart sunk even further and to say I was stressing out was an understatement. At that point I was told I had breast cancer and would need to be referred onto a specialist. It was hard getting this outcome and went home to try and gather my thoughts.

I had some many questions and didn't even know where to start. I had no idea what stage, grade I had. Would I survive or is it too late? Not only that, covid lockdown was eminent and how would this impact me and now the biggest fight for my life. I was receiving phone calls left right and centre from all the different departments I would have dealings with. None of it was making sense. Who would be my main contact and what treatment would I have first. It was all confusing and still didn't know the full extent of the cancer in me.

I finally was sent for a PET scan on 27th of March to discover cancer in my breast, lymphnoids in my armpit, across my collar bone and as far up as glands in my neck and heading in a direction towards my brain. It was also found that I had masses in my liver which was later informed benign but would need to be monitored.

I was rushed in to start chemotherapy on 7th of April and by this stage lockdown was in full swing. I couldn't have anyone sit with me. I was not told how this treatment would be given, how long for or how I'd feel. I was flying blind and relied on the internet and BCWWA Nurse for advise. I was so scared and dying inside. I showed up with my head shaved and a comfort teddy, forcing a smile to hide the complete fear residing in me.

After chemotherapy I had a 4 week break to then have a double mastectomy and opted for delayed reconstruction. I only required a lumpectomy as my mass was only 17mm but I decided to have both breast removed as the genetic tests came back as inconclusive and have a history of cancer on my mothers side. I wanted to make sure I gave myself the best chance and reduce chances to go through this again.

Thats was a hard yet very freeing adjustment to make. I woke from surgery relieved and worried. What would I look like ? How would I feel after the pain killers wore off. I didn't have any support or asked if I would need to speak with anyone. It was just assumed I'd be ok to adjust to this new version of myself.

When I could stand and took myself to the bathroom for the very first time, I stood starring at myself. Completely bald, drains hanging out of me and no 12DD mounds on my chest. I cried silently to myself .... I looked like a bald version of my brother and father. I did not feel or look like a woman anymore. My god what did I just decide to do to myself. I couldn't look at myself and I couldn't let people know this impacted me. I swallowed my fear and put a forced smile on my face and told everyone I was happy and ok.

It took me a few weeks to start being able to get up and moving around with slight ease. Sleeping was horrible and I had very little rest. I was awake all the time and refused to look at myself until one day I forced myself to study myself. I was shocked. I looked slimmer, leaner, I didn't seem so top heavy. Oh my god ! It actually suited me.

I put on make up, left my head uncovered and threw on a dress. Wow !! I am stunning !! The first time in ny entire life I thought that about myself. My stomach was flat, I could see the former muscles from all the years of training just defined enough still to give me hope I'd bounce back. My eyes and smile popped and I glowed in a vibrant new version of myself.

I had a couple more months break while I recovered from surgery to then start radiation in October. I went into that like I was the strongest person alive. I'd got through chemotherapy and surgery and was still kicking on and making positive changes through it all.

Radiation was different. I didn't expect it to leave me so fatigued all the time. My skin held up pretty well and wasn't until the last 2 weeks of treatment that my skin started to burn and leave sores. I really took how well I had handled chemotherapy and the surgery for granted. This was something completely different.

I struggled holding my arms up because of the auxiliary clearance in my left arm and the medical team missed logging me in for physio until the day I had to get my markers tattooed (wasn't the first time I'd slipped through the system and was used to the stuff ups). Radiation had to be postponed so I could have physio to lift my arms up.

Once I could hold my arms up for long enough to endure the treatment time I was let go and started radiation. I became very sore across my chest and down my left side. This treatment most definitely had more of an impact on me physically and to this day I am varying from tender to very sore.

I am now 8 months out from radiation and had been booked twice for reconstruction. First time cancelling myself as I wasn't ready physically and the second time due to increased symptoms which may or may not be due to reoccurance. This is now my next journey trying to determine if I have further medical problems or is it now just my normality.

What we go through is hard and for half of my journey I did not have the right help, support or understanding around me. Not to mention the external impact from covid-19 had on myself, treatment and support was hard to adjust to.

I want to raise awareness that woman under 50 get misjudged and dismissed as we are younger and stronger so we can apparently bounce back quicker and better. I want to try and work out the best ways for us to return back to our normal lives so we don't miss out on so much and get back into what we loved doing. More and more younger woman are being diagnosed now, we need to stand up and be heard.

Cie King