Teagan Hart

December is National Fruitcake Month! As you can imagine, Miss Mandie has something to say about this...

“This might be the most redundant holiday we’ve ever celebrated out here,” Miss Mandie muttered to Bart as they watched Glenda’s “Elves” scurrying around them, counting fruitcakes.

“You mean because there’s already a fruitcake competition and fight in December every year?” Bart asked on a yawn.

“Well, that too,” Miss Mandie said. “But I was referring to the general baseline mental health for everyone in town.”

“Fair,” Bart said as they watched two people hurry over to help Dirk pull his head out of the opening in a cardboard box where he’d gotten it stuck.

Happy Holidays!

Yesterday was Make Your Own Head Day, and Hope Island did not disappoint...except Miss Mandie.

***

Miss Mandie lit her cigarette and shook her head. “I’ve never been more disappointed and creeped out by a holiday in this town.”

Bart shook his head, wincing from his hangover. “Yeah, I thought it was about . . .” He paused as Reverend Anderson passed by them, carrying a paper mache likeness of his own head under his arm. They returned his smile and when he was out of sight, Bart cleared his throat. “I thought it was about . . . something else.”

“I hoped it was about something else,” Miss Mandie muttered. “Guess we better do a quick menu change. It’s too bad. The details on those buns were some of your best work.”

Get out there and howl at the moon tonight for National Howl At The Moon Day!

“That’s the last time I take a vacation in mid-October,” Bart muttered, stomping in through the kitchen’s back door.
Miss Mandie grinned at him and reached over to turn off the mixer. “Oh yeah?”

He shook his head. “It wasn’t until my second cup of coffee on the ferry that I realized I was at the bar between a wolf and a St. Bernard. Is Hope hosting a furry convention or something?”

“Nah, tonight’s National Howl at the Moon Night. People are just showing up early to get a good spot.”

Bart sighed. “Of all the days to be nursing the mother of all hangovers.”

“I hear sitting through hours of off-key human howling really helps with that.”

Bart gave her the finger and headed for the front counter.

“So good to have you back,” she called after him. “I hope the week-long rave was relaxing!”

Just in time for spooky time, I have a new entry into the Hope Island series: The Jerk-O-Lantern!

This supernatural entry into the series features the snarky but sunshiney Zoey who loves all things Halloween (for reasons both corporeal and supernatural) and the grumpy Gavin who is just in need of the right nudge to end his loathing of the most lovely of seasons!

Within this purple delight you will find sassy twin daughters in need of motherly love (and sick Halloween costumes), goofy costumed alpacas, a ghostly mystery, and (of course) lots of signature Miss Mandie snark!

https://readerlinks.com/l/3655807

October is National Sarcastic Month!

"Let that be your filter on all the upcoming holidays for the month,” Miss Mandie said, winking at Zoey. “Hard to tell around here though since we tend to celebrate it every month.”

Zoey sighed. “Yeah, the atmosphere on the island is 20% Nitrogen, 20% Oxygen and 60% sass.”

“Thank the gods for that,” Miss Mandie chuckled. “I think without the sarcasm, we’d all have been committed by now.”

Happy National Good Neighbor Day (tomorrow)! In the spite of all things neighborly, please enjoy this extra special scene in honor of this most neighborly day.

Molly had just gotten Lila to sleep when Glenda kicked the office door open and sang, “Good morning, neighbor! Happy National Good Neighbor Day!” Then, like a demo team delivering a bomb, she dropped the Hope Island tourism board equivalent of a flaming bag of dog crap on the counter and then disappeared. The gift basket was lit up like a beacon and it was singing a tinny version of Mr. Roger’s “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” Lila, who was always spot on with giving voice to Molly’s current feelings woke up screaming.

“I’m too late,” Daws called from the doorway.

Molly scooped Lila up and tried to calm her while Daws fought with the gift basket, trying to get it to shut up.

“I don’t know if I need a hammer or a priest,” he yelled over the noise which seemed to have gotten louder after he picked it up.

“Just throw it outside,” Molly called. “Save the wine first!”

Luckily Daws heard her before he chucked the basket back into the street. He passed her the wine and then drop-kicked the basket back out the door. There was a shout of surprise and the sound of Mr. Roger’s song winding down and they both peeked out in time to see Mr. Welks standing over the basket, cane raised, ready to strike.

“It’s for the best,” Daws said with a nod, closing the door and turning to smile at Molly. “Beating a Glenda creation to death will make Fred’s day. It’s a win-win.” He pulled Molly to him. He gave Lila a noisy kiss on the top of her head before burying his face and beard in the crook of Molly’s neck.

“Mmm, this is my win-win,” Molly whispered, leaning back against him. “And we should lock the door. For two reasons now. I want you all to myself and I wouldn’t put it past Glenda to wrestle that basket away from Fred and punt it back in here if she can get the door open.”

“I’m on it,” Daws growled.

September 22nd is both Breakfast in Bed Day AND Business Women’s Day AND Hobbit Day! Enjoy. ;)

***

“Bart, what day is it?” Miss Mandie muttered as she stared out the windows of De-Floured at the bizarre scene in the square. “It isn’t even nine a.m. and we’ve sold out of Double D-elicious cupcakes, even the ones with the pierced fondant ni***es and almost every one of our customers has been either in a bathrobe, a business suit, or they’re dressed like they’re going to a renaissance faire. But . . . with hairy . . . feet. I swear, when Dirk came in and I saw his feet, it was like being back on the set of Goldberry Does Hobbiton. Man, those were the days. I always had more fun on the sets of the movies that mixed p**n and nerd fantasy.” She sighed. “And Bruce Hardwick was my Tom Bumpherdeal. And bump my deal, he did.”

Bart groaned behind her. “I think my childhood just threw up on itself.” She turned to raise an eyebrow at hiim and he sighed. “You got to slip into the back when Glenda arrived, so you didn’t have to deal with her and she told me today it’s Breakfast in Bed Day, Business Women’s Day, and National Hobbit Day.”

Miss Mandie grinned. “And where the three meet, there’s sausage being eaten for breakfast.”

Happy National Book Lover's Day!

July 27th is Take Your Pants for a Walk Day AND Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day

(Dirk enters De-Floured)

Miss Mandie: Dirk, either put your pants or that cactus on right now. If I have to do it, you’re not going to like which one I choose.

(Dirk exits De-Floured)

Miss Mandie: (reaching for her ci******es) His thong was early anyway. National Banana Split Day isn’t until next month.

Happy Barbershop Music Appreciation Day!

“It’s a disgrace,” Glenda huffed, throwing herself onto a stool at the bar.

Abby looked around her but there was no one else at the bar at the moment. I guess she’s talking to me.

With all the confidence of someone walking around a bear trap, Abby asked, “What’s a disgrace?”

“Today is Barbershop Music Appreciation Day. A nice holiday, right? Clean. Wholesome. And what does Mandie do?”

Glenda slapped a copy of the Hope Hornblower onto the bar and stabbed the photo taking up most of the front page with a boney finger.

Four men in striped vests and straw hats smiled out at the camera . . . each of them singing into generously-sized versions of Miss Mandie’s Well-Endowed eclairs.

“She told them they were ‘microphone’ eclairs in honor of the holiday,” Glenda snapped.

Abby bit down on her lip and tried to breathe through her nose. When she felt she could speak without laughing in Glenda’s face, she cleared her throat. “Well they seem to be . . . enjoying themselves. Especially that one on the end. He’s got his . . . eclair . . . in a death grip.”

Glenda ripped the paper off the bar, almost smacking Abby in the face with it. Then, with a final huff, Glenda stomped out.

Tim set down a double in front of Abby. “This one’s on the house.” Tim raised a glass of his own and Abby joined him. “To Miss Mandie’s ‘microphones’.”

Abby grinned. “Here, here.”

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT from the Hope Island Board of Tourism

Attention Hope Islanders: In honor of N**e Recreation Week, Hope Beach will TEMPORARILY be deemed a n**e beach. HOWEVER, we are holding every town resident responsible to remember that starting JULY 17th, Hope Beach will no longer be a n**e beach. July 17th is Peach Ice Cream Day and will be a FAMILY HOLIDAY on the beach. PLEASE IGNORE Mandie Cane's "Hotdog Day Special" on July 19th as being a part of N**e Recreation Week. This special does NOT extend N**e Recreation Week and the Sheriff's office will be making arrests for public nudity before July 10th and after July 16th.

Dear Hope Island,

Finally, the most wonderful day of the year has come. June 22 is National Chocolate Eclair Day. It’s the day we celebrate all things eclair-shaped and cream-filled whether they are long, short, thick, thin, curved to the right or the left. We can even do a reproduction of your favorite “eclair” if you have a good description, a photo, or even a sketch on a cocktail napkin. Come by De-Floured and celebrate this, one of our favorite holidays, with both hands wrapped around eclairs and a smile on every face!

- Miss Mandie

A Note Found on the door of De-Floured Bakery on June 15th, National Prune Day

"To Anyone eating, drinking, wearing, dressed as, or absorbing prunes in any number of ways that NONE OF US want to hear about: Happy Prune Day, ya filthy animals. I hope it's full of only planned surprises. I've decided to take a mental health day off the island. Bart will be in the square with Cartlotta, serving tastefully discreet frosted "prude danishes" and coffee. There's a blonde roast blend just for you regularity-loving celebrators called, "Dear Prune-Dance" and a dark roast we like to call "Hope Island Drain-O". Enjoy!

- Miss Mandie"

IT'S PRIDE, Y'ALL!

Letter from the Hope Island Tourism Board, regarding the rejection of Miss Mandie's PSA for June as National "Fight the Filthy Fly Month":

Dear Miss Cane,

We appreciate your enthusiastic and . . . colorful public service announcement you submitted for national "Fight the Filthy Fly Month", but please note that the month is about the insects . . . NOT the fronts of men's pants. And though we appreciate your message to our community, reminding us all to "be cool and wrap your tool, so your fly can be the good kind of filthy that won't need fighting", again, this holiday is about awareness of the disease the INSECT can spread. Please stop paying local artists to paint crotches on the windows straddling all the doors of the businesses in town. And please stop distributing condoms with "Fight the Filthy Fly Month" printed on them. Several confused town members thought they were balloons and have now started decorating with them.

While we appreciate your enthusiasm, it, as usual, is misguided.

Deepest Thanks,
The Hope Island Tourism Board

The Month of May is National Adopt-A-Horse Month! As usual, we checked in with Miss Mandie to see what her feelings were about this festive season:

"Imagine my disappointment when I found out they meant horses of the four-legged varieties. If they were talking about the three-legged, tingler ring-wearing kind, I'd be the crazy cat lady of horse adopters."

May 25th is an especially dark day on Hope Island. National Tap Dance Day.

Mr. Elton's adorable children's tap dance class performances are the only ray of light on the holiday. Unfortunately, they are often overshadowed by the specter of Dirk Patterson and his squealing duck-tap shoes.

To help the town cope, Miss Mandie has created an incentive:

"Duck, Duck, Dirk. To the person who manages to steal the squealing ducks off of Dirk Patterson's shoes, you will receive a year's supply of Double D-elicious cupcakes or Well-Endowed Eclairs as well as the eternal gratitude of the town of Hope. Present these confiscated ducks to me for my trophy shelf, claim your prize, and lift the dark menace that haunts us every May 25th."

May 12th is National Limerick Day, but we're having to post it early because Glenda is in such a tizzy! Enjoy Miss Mandie's forced limerick upon receiving yet another "Kiss-off" from Glenda demanding she participate:

There once was a Glenda from Hope,
During holidays she thought she was Pope,
The universe did us a favor
When somebody laid her,
And then gave us more whiskey to cope.

National Lumpy Rug Day is a holiday that’s observed annually on May 3rd and is a holiday that’s observed in one of two different ways by people observing it. The first way is to look at all of the things that we have proverbially “swept under the rug” and take the time to deal with them now. Miss Mandie's take of this festival of festivals?

"There's nothing wrong with lumpy rugs. They tend to have the best stories. Like the knees that made the lumps." ;)

https://www.holidayscalendar.com/event/national-lumpy-rug-day/

Sunday is National Honesty Day! "National Honesty Day exists to encourage people from every walk of life, and especially those who are powerful and in charge, to try being honest with their constituents and customers." Hmmm, what does Miss Mandie have to say about that?

"I love Honesty Day. It's the one day a year when I get to tell my customers whether I'd bang, marry, or kill them. It's a one-day dating and revenge app all rolled into one. ;)"

https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/honesty-day/

One hour til TMAS time! Head over to Lucy Score's Binge Readers Anonymous and join the chaos at 8pm EST!

My TMAS is tomorrow (Friday 4/21) at 8pm EST over in Lucy Score's Binge Readers Anonymous. Come find out what Binge Readers are the Best Readers!

Super congrats to Pippa Grant on the stellar launch of her newest hilarious, swoony masterpiece! Check it out, friends!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BZWB6GPY

One week! Just seven little days from now I will be over at the amazing Lucy Score's Binge Reader's Anonymous group doing a TMAS (Tell Me A Story)! Come over and join the fun and chaos with some of the best and sweetest readers in the universe!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1506527339418787

I'm so excited to be a part of the chaos of Lucy Score's Binge Readers Anonymous Tell Me A Story! I am blessed to be the TMAS author this month, so be sure to set your calendars for April 21st at 8PM EST to head over to the BRAs and get in on the awesome!

Here is a link to Lucy Score's amazing reader group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BingeReadersAnonymous

April is known for its rainy showers and so it makes sense that this coming Monday is National Find a Rainbow Day!

We're pretty confident that the denizens of Hope Island would be ALL OVER it; from draping the Alphorn in rainbow regalia to carefully planned "rainbow safaris" from the dreaded Hope Island Board of Tourism!

Miss Mandie's take on it: "Oh honey, the best way I know to find a rainbow is a game I like to call, 'Hide and Skittles'. The only rule is you can’t use your hands and everyone’s a winner."

https://www.holidayscalendar.com/event/national-find-a-rainbow-day/

Love seeing authors supporting authors! As Lucy Score said, so many amazing releases this month!

How many of these beauties made it on to your TBR, Hopefuls?

Congratulations to all the authors who released books in March, you're all awesome! Here are a few of the new releases, how many have you read? -Joyce
Sweet Memory by LJ Evans
Miles Ever After by TL Swan
Magical Midlife Alliance by K.F. Breene
Right Man, Right Time by Meghan Quinn
Duke by Kayley Loring and Connor Crais
By the Book by Josie Watts
The Taken One by Brittney Sahin
Rocked by Love by Melissa Foster
Meet Me in the Blue by A.M. Johnson
The Games We Play by S. Cole
An Unexpected Chance by M. Moreland
Flirting with Forever by Claire Kingsley

Such a lovely review from Bex_Book_Revieux! Follow them for the scoop on lovely books each week!

Bex_Book_Revieuxs 🍀A Hilarious Small Town Enies To Lovers Romantic Comedy!!🍀 Teagan Hart gave me such a great time with Reel Love! Ian and Cara are so much ...