Ctrl+Chaos

Favorable Creativity

I don’t want to draw just to have content. I don’t want to write just to have captions. I don’t want to record just to have reels. I don’t want to photograph just to show process. I want to create for the sake of creating…but I also want my work to be seen.

Roots

Cuffed at the wrists, roped around the ankles, taped at the waist, stuck where you are like a noose around your neck. Rooted by blood and the love in your heart. Can’t get up and leave, everything holding you back.

Tattered Bond

Don’t resent me. I was only a child. Forgive me. I was too weak to defend. Trust me. I want the best for you. Love me. It’s all I ever longed for.

Dose of Dysfunction
You’re codependent on the people around you who are too proud to admit they need help, yet still take advantage of the support you give them. You pride yourself on being caring, but you’re really thriving off the validation of being needed. You feel like you lack purpose when there is nothing…nobody left to fix. You get fulfillment out of supporting the dysfunctional.

Obsessed with Enlightenment

You’re addicted to learning. You become so passionate about something that you spend hours swimming in a sea of content, absorbing all the information. You climb mountains of books, breathing in all the knowledge. You listen to the symphony of all the resources until a crescendo occurs in your brain.

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Subaru Art Show Submission. “Spacebound” by Deztiny Di Meo.

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Lose the Guilt

After someone dies, you think you have to be sad forever to prove your honor to them. It takes a while to realize you don’t need to feel guilty for being at peace. Obviously, if the deaths you’ve experienced are very recent, don’t expect to get over them soon, but just know it’s okay to move on when you’re ready.

Needless Void

You’re tired of being needed. You need a break from your life. You have nothing left to give. You’re empty…drained.

Lost Descendant

You ignore them because it’s too hard to relate to people who have something you never did. It’s too sad to hear all the stories about him. It’s heart-wrenching to learn he was there for someone he wasn't obligated to when he wasn’t there for you. It hurts to see photos of him smiling with them. It’s soul-crushing to wait around hoping he’ll reach out…and he never does.

Chaotic Contradiction

You feel everything, and you feel nothing. You’re tired, and you’re restless. You’re sad and angry and happy and ambitious and numb.

Trust Your Gut

It’s not that your intuition is wrong, it’s that you ignore it. You lead with your heart instead of your head. The problem with messing with your heart is that you’ll end up heartbroken and feeling stupid.

The Pain of Perfection

You spend years learning to swim. You finally learn, and it’s exciting. That sense of accomplishment you gain from your newfound freedom gives you enough excitement to last a while. Everyone is so proud of you for learning to swim, so you keep swimming. But, eventually, the excitement wears off and you no longer get the same acknowledgment for just swimming, so you decide to try something harder. You get the same applause you did for swimming but only when mastering something new, like swimming underwater, swimming backward, faster…soon you’re jumping off the high-dive for the satisfaction of being cheered on. There’s only so much you can do before each round of pride wears off. Everything comes easy to you now and nobody even notices your effort anymore. You decide to tie a brick to your ankle to show everyone how strong you are. Instead of being excited for you, they hand you another brick for your other ankle. They want to challenge you and you want to exceed their expectations every single time. You gladly accept brick after brick, pulling yourself to stay above water. Things aren’t fun when they’re easy. The fun is defeating the challenge. So you continue accepting bricks, mastering the skill of swimming against a heavier and heavier force. Soon you will drown under the weight of the high expectations you set for yourself. Release the bricks that are holding you down in the water. Cut the chains that are anchoring you to defeat. You don’t need to struggle to prove you’re capable of a challenge.

Siesta

It’s okay to take a break from the commitments you set for yourself. You have no expectation to satisfy everyone else, especially at the expense of your own sanity. Stop worrying about letting others or yourself down. Most jobs offer vacation time because they see the benefit of taking a break, so learn from the professionals and stop doing whatever it is that’s weighing you down. Come back after you’ve had time to heal.

Happiness Hindrance

It’s so easy to fall into a cycle of depression and anger because it feels comfortable. You’ve felt that way for so long that it feels like home and it’s a lot easier to stay complacent than to alter your mindset, but you gotta put in that effort if you ever want to be happy. You have to make happiness your home.

Infinite Overlap

There are an infinite number of paths you can take in life. Why would you decide to follow someone else on there's? You're not built to weather the same storms.

Keyboard Warrior

They have a lot to say but no facts to support their words. They’re so full of accusations, yet no receipts to prove it. They spew out statements that many accept without question. They’re willing to come to battle with lies expecting you to sink to their levels. There are so many sides to every situation, but theirs gets publicized.

Out of the Blue

It’s so unexpected to learn of the people who think fondly of you. One day, you’ll randomly get a message from someone you don’t typically associate with, just checking in to see how you’re doing. Sporadically, people comment on your posts with compliments of how proud they are of the person you’ve become, or even better, the person you’ve always been. You walk by a familiar face in the grocery store, and they turn back around to say hello and how they were just recently talking about you with someone in their life. Your memory lives on in everyone you’ve met. Give them a reason to be proud.

Psychological Warfare

They speak out of anger and hatred. The looks they give are full of disgust. They manipulate their every word to tear the other down. Never giving up and never walking away, the violence continues.

Rebuild or Recreate

You’re worried about what comes next because you’ve had your whole life planned. The thing about life is it throws curveballs, and your plans won’t always work out. Now it’s up to you to rebuild the path that got destroyed and risk the same obstacles getting in the way or gain the confidence to go off course and create a new road with challenges you’ve never faced.

Anticipate Metamorphosis

You want to leave it all behind. You want to pack up all your things…or even leave them behind. You want to move far away and get ahold of yourself. Not for a fresh start, but to remove all the expectations placed on you. Release the anger and frustrations of your normal life. You want to be alone to meet new people and an all-new you.

Permission to Suck

The best way to get good at something is to suck at doing it a lot of times. It’s rare that anybody does something well the first time they try it. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes you make because ultimately you’ll learn from them. Suck at something so much that you barely suck anymore.

Elated

They don’t understand the weight their words hold. The way your eyes teared up, the way your cheeks flushed, the way your body felt like it was engrossed in a hug…all because they said, “I’m proud of you.”

Confess Gratitude

Explain why you’re proud of them. Tell them their jokes make you laugh. Describe to them how their eyes tell the deepest stories. Remind them of the childhood memories that keep you awake at night reminiscing. Inform them that you are a better person because of them. Let them know you enjoy having them around. Make them aware of how important they are to you. You’ll never regret telling them, but you may never forgive yourself if you don’t.

Game Changer

Life is like a video game. You can play the same level over and over again getting further and further as you learn to overcome the obstacles. You may eventually beat every level if you’re determined. On the other hand, you may find that the game you’re playing is so challenging that it isn’t fun anymore. It’s okay to eject the game and find one that may be more enjoyable even if it has new challenges you’ve never experienced before.

Lofty Expectations

How could you expect them not to break when your lies cracked their trust? How could you expect them to open up when your words are like bricks building their walls higher and higher? How could you expect them to put in any effort when it never went appreciated. How could you expect them to be comfortable when you avoided their time? How could you expect them to stay sane when you made them overwhelmed? How could you expect them to stay when your actions pushed them away?

Controlled Passage

You move into a new apartment and soon discover a secret door on the floor of your hallway closet. You jump down into what appears to be a mini basement just tall enough to stand in. There is a ten-year-expired gallon of milk that now looks like a toxic green sludge. You learn that there is another door in the ceiling of the basement that must lead to the neighboring apartment. You obviously go against your intrusive thoughts telling you to open it. You don’t want to be accused of creeping on your neighbors, so you ignore the passageway connecting you to next door. That is until your roommate ignores you when you say you’re stepping out of the apartment for just a few minutes and decides to leave and lock the door behind them, leaving you and your friends stuck outside. All hope is not lost! Your neighbor arrives home and you confidently ask them to enter their apartment. You tell them about the secret passageway connecting your closet to theirs and explain how you’ve been locked out. They reluctantly decline and slowly enter through the door, likely locking it behind them.

Weight of Life

If by strong they mean you’ve been holding the burdens of your own life on your shoulders for so long just to be there for them when they constantly need you, then yes, you’ve got the muscles built up from a lifetime of holding your problems on the back-burner.

Skip the Standby

Do more. You’ll almost never regret doing more but you will miss out if you don’t do enough. When you reflect on your life, make sure you have memories to pause on rather than a past you can skim through.

Nothing

They made you feel sad. They disappointed you. They neglected your feelings. They took advantage of your kindness. They expected you to be there for them when they couldn’t be there for you. They broke your trust. They didn’t appreciate you enough. They made you feel every way at once until it hurt so bad, you went numb, and now you feel nothing.

Endless Productivity

You feel guilty for being bored. You have so many other things you could be doing to better your life. Your to-do list is never-ending, so it only seems normal to keep going. Never stop being productive. Never stop doing things to improve your life. Never stop making money. Never take a break to enjoy the little things.