Joyful corner

HOW I HOLD BOUNDARIES AS A GENTLE PARENT

Many people think gentle parenting means we let our kids do what they want and not having boundaries. It's misleading. We do have boundaries. We set appropriate boundaries for their age and capacity, based on our values as well. We keep boundaries in a gentle and compassionate way and reevaluate boundaries often when we see they arent able to keep (which can mean they are not ready or not having capacity to do so). We need to be able to hold space for them when they have big emotions as well. Here's an example...

We were on a trip and staying overnight in a small holiday accommodation. At dinner, my daughter asked if she could have juice and jelly afterwards. We said yes. When it was time for dessert, she finished the whole pop top juice and started coughing. This is usually a sign that she's too full and will throw up soon. (She does it so often at home so we know it well). She then asked for jelly. We knew she would throw up if she had jelly. If we were at home, we wouldnt mind to clean up. But since we were out, we didnt want to add more hassle and stress. So we had to say no to her. We explained our reasons and told her she could have jelly first thing in the morning. (We're trying to meet in the middle, usually we wouldnt let her have jelly for breakfast.) Of course, my daughter cried because she really wanted jelly now. I kept saying to her, 'Im so sorry that you cant have it. I know its so hard and upset for you. You can be sad, you can cry. Im here with you. I would give it to you if you're ok to have it. But you're too full so its not good for you.' She kept asking and crying, hoping I would change my mind. But I said no every time, repeating what I just said. After a while, when she was able to process everything, she stopped crying. She said to me, 'I'll just leave the jelly here so I can have it tomorrow'. That was it.
In the morning when she woke up, still in bed, I asked her 'Are you ready to have your jelly now?' She jumped out of bed with a big 'YES!!'
Later on, I talked to her about it again, 'last night you really wanted to have jelly, but we said you couldnt because you were too full. You were really sad. And we promised that you could have it in the morning. And we kept our promise, we didnt forget. You did well, you waited patiently. Thank you for trusting us with our decision.'
Of course I had to do a lot of work on myself. I tend to get triggered by her cry and I would give in.. but it didnt teach her the resilience, also the importance of setting and keeping a boundary/decision. I could see myself getting angry and frustrated at her when she kept asking and testing boundaries. But at this point, I could see that she's having a hard time to accept my decision and asking questions was also a way for her to process her big emotions. She needed my assurance that I am ok with her big emotions and that I am with her in this. She saw my empathy and compassion as I remained calm, gentle but firm the whole time.
It is hard and I cant always hold space for my kids like this. This is just a small success story amongst many epic fail ones 🙂

How do you measure the success of your parenting?

I think in our society, we measure the success of our parenting based on how our kids behave. If your kids are well behaved then you are good parents. If your kids lie, hit, steal, etc then you are bad parents. Let me tell you something, many abusive and narcissistic parents manage to raise extremely well-behaved kids, you can guess why. And many kind and gentle parents have kids who lie, hit or steal. So obviously, we cant measure how good our parenting is based on our kids’ behaviours.
To be honest, there is no ‘one-size-fit-all’ measurement. And why do we even want to measure in the first place? You are the best parents your child/ren could have, you dont have to compare with anyone else.
It took me awhile to finally know how i want to parent my kids. I dont measure anything by the way, because the moment you measure, you’ll have a standard or expectation to compare. You’ll only feel good if you meet that standard. And you’ll feel like a failure if you dont. I only try my best to parent our kids, i know we all do. The rest is in God’s hands.. it takes a lot of courage, humility and trust to be flexible, to let go and not to control.
I dont have a measurement, but i do have some ideas of how i want to parent our kids. I love it when they go wild, when they are silly and cheeky, loud and messy. I love it when they show kindness to others. I love it when they come and tell me when they do something wrong, then i will help them to fix the problem and comfort them if they need it. And many more 🙂 My approach to parenting is this, the children and I are journeying together as we're discovering who we are; I wont shape or control them to be who i want them to be. Im just excited to see who they'll become. And i'll give them, in my best ability, the resources that they need in this stage to prepare for their long journey ahead.