Can LeAnn Get Healthy?

302.7 today 😞 wtf? I didn't even have dinner! And very little cookie dough. No cookies or pumpkin bread ( yet)

301.9 today 😑 breakfast was Wheaties, milk and a banana.

This morning's weigh was 302.5. no idea why so up. I didn't overeat yesterday.it is what it is and I'm not in a place to really all in concentrate on health, but I'm starting by at least being mindful and keeping a record, even if it's extremely minimal at this point.

301.8 today. Breakfast was eggs and sausage.

301.3 # today. Breakfast is Wheaties, milk and a banana. So soooooo tired.

Really grateful that I found someone to clean my floors today, the tile and the 2 bedrooms that have carpet. My bedroom is the bad one. Cherished my last night of snuggling with Sq**rt and Savvy, at least for awhile. Sq**rt is mostly housebroken but Savvy isn't and henceforth, at least until I move I am going to put them in crates at bedtime. Maybe this will actually allow me to housebreak them both reliably. I hope so. Going to miss their warm sweet selves, but this cleaning will cost $800 ( and then a tip) and that's a bargain price. Was told by 3 people the usual rate here for tile is $1 per square foot. My house probably has about 2000 square feet of tile so this is a really good deal. The guy came out to look at the house and cracked me up by liking it so much. He LOVED the back yard. Even in the dark. He and his wife just recently moved here from MI where it was less expensive. He's working a lot of hours and days a week. I hate that people have to do that just to survive. Now, the tile isn't bad, Savvy uses my bedroom pretty exclusively ( she does go outside sometimes) and I clean it as best I can which is expensive, annoying and exhausting. It has to end. I keep the doors shut on the all the bedrooms, the spa room and the guest bathroom now just in case, but this non housebroken habit is killing me. So, crates it is and maybe they will both learn. Sq**rt will be easy to crate, and very sad. Savvy is so scared of being held. She loves to sit on my lap, but if I try to hold her she panics. I'm so sorry for whatever happened to her. I put an allowance in the house price which would more than cover new carpet in BOTH the carpeted bedrooms (I sure wish I'd tiled the whole house) really glad I did tile Bruce's room. I hope the people coming tomorrow like the house, it really is a beautiful house. The floor guy will be here at noon today and I have to clear the floors as I can for him. I should be up and moving now, but I didn't sleep well again last night. (What's new?)

Dang. Need to rest but one example of love is pressing to be expressed. Sq**rt and Savvy. Sq**rt is such a natural, easy, love for me. I loved him at first sight and I feel like that's mutual. He's not perfect, neither am I, but I just deeply love this little creature. Any love needs effort, but loving Sq**rt FEELS effortless and natural. Savvy. It's not like this with Savvy. She is very sweet and she's funny and I know there's a huge amount of happy energy in her. And I can palpably feel that she wants to love and be loved. With her, I need to consciously make an effort to try to understand and connect with her. We've come a long way. And I'm not going to give up on her. I kind of feel like she's somei like me, I've never felt loved the way I love Sq**rt. I'm not talking about friends. I have wonderful friends and I love them. I'm sure they love me. It's hard to express what I do mean, but it's an unquestionable thing. I will work to know, understand and love Savvy in a way I feel she needs. Heart leaping joy and impeccable trust as deep as it can be.

Less tired. That's great. I'm up, I've shut the bedroom door and opened the window in there. I've weighed. 302.4. I've had a cup of Wheaties and a cup of milk.. Tried praying in the night, which is hard if you don't have a clear idea of who or what you're praying to.. Taking some time now to just love my dogs. Love. That's the important thing. I've been thinking about that so much. Love and purpose. I understand love better than purpose. But I've been doing a LOT of soul searching recently
Gosh, I have so much to say but I'm literally too weak to even write. This sucks soooooo much. I'm not as miserable as I have been the past few weeks, and I feel like I have spiritual energy, but my body just is so incredibly tired and weak.
Maybe I'll get to express some later.

Someone is coming to look at the house Monday.

Going to be posting here mostly while I try to find solutions for the problems that have me on the edge of life and whatever might come after it. Writing things down is therapeutic for me, but probably it's better to keep things more private than I'm going to. This will be the last public post on this page and, warning to anyone who will have access to this page, the things I am going to say may trigger you. Some things may even have the potential to end friendships, and if so, it will just have to be. I have had a streak of people pleasing my whole life and am realizing that that is not conducive to being authentic. I want to live and care for as many people as I honestly can, but from now on I'm on my list of people to care about and prioritize.
Ok, so here's my morning so far.
I have been so low energy as to feel I didn't want to do anything but sleep and I am actually getting very little sleep. Things that need to be done have been piling up and I just haven't been able to address them. I've had so much loss of strength and balance I've been scared of falling and not being able to get up. That's a really horrifying feeling.
Well this morning ( the last two actually) I've had a bit more energy and that's been marvelous. Yesterday I did a lot of laundry (washed and dried, not put away) including my bedding. Savvy has eaten what WAS nice bedding. She's young, and I understand dogs need to chew, but I have so many things for my dogs to chew. I have been so frustrated with my inability to communicate boundaries to Savvy. Sq**rt is nearly a perfect companion for me. We do have some housebreaking issues to face, but otherwise he fits into my life seamlessly. Last night I spent a lot of time and effort trying to clean dog p*e out of the carpet. I went to bed .miserable with the idea that I might need to try crating Savvy to try to housebreak her. I've never crate trained a dog. I'm afraid it will break her heart and she has such a sweet heart. When I woke up this morning there was fresh p*e AND p**p. I haven't even had the energy to go ballistic, but I did. I was screaming and that made her hide under the bed and I was trying to chase her out from under there with a broom. She was probably terrified and I cannot excuse my actions which probably affected months of trying to build trust with her. She's on the couch with me now, but I feel sadness. I've shut off access to the other 2 bedrooms and the guest bathroom and the spa room. This morning I had decided to block off my bedroom and bathroom unless we are in the room. I absolutely need to find a solution to this housebreaking issue. I've had dogs all my life, but mostly have gotten them as puppies and house breaking has never been an issue except sort of with Jetty Lee. It took some time and patience to house break her. But I could just pick her up and carry her outside. Sq**rt comes when called. Savvy is afraid of being held or even caught. I might need a trainer to figure this out.
Anyway I very badly affected the spirit of my home with the anger and I regret that but I haven't figured out a way to accomplish this.
I did go out to feed Blanche, my last remaining chicken and the wild birds. I had to throw away a bunch of stew that I hadn't been able to eat. Would have put it out for Blanche but she isn't eating a lot. Took out the house trash and had a measured breakfast of 1 cup of Wheaties and 1 cup of milk. I need to go back to using Lose It, and I will as soon as I have the energy to do it. Weighed myself. This morning 302.8. Weight and food is a HUGE issue for me I will be writing a lot about that.
This is not going to be a page of interest to many anyway but I will use it a lot for myself.

Ok. I clambered onto the scale. And I didn't gain back EVERY pound I'd lost. I started at 305 # last time, this time I'm 303.8. so, about a pound didn't find its way back to my poor old body.
Fat is loyal.
As are dogs. And while Sq**rt is nearly perfect for me he's not 100% housebroken. He doesn't like to be cold and he thinks actually going outside when it's cold is just too barbaric. Savvy, as incredibly sweet and funny as she is, is EXTREMELY destructive and has a real penchant for chewing fabric. She is almost completely unhousebroken. When I was considering adopting her, she was said to know how to use a doggie door. And that's truthful. She does! But not WHY she should use the doggie door. She also loves to rip things up, it gives her literal joy to mess up the house. Which is for sale and is not moving at all. I literally don't have the energy to keep the house up as it needs to be.
But the point of this post is to look at what I'm dealing with and try to problem solve bit by bit. My dogs are TRULY my best friends. I just have to find better solutions.
Next set of problems coming soon.

Haven't been to this page in so long. But I feel like it's time to focus on health and maybe even happiness now. Or I'm going to die. It feels that important. The past couple of years have been full of so many losses and pain, some expected, some I never would have thought could even happen. Surprise!
I will have to come back to this post. I am literally so weak and fuzzy headed I can't concentrate to write.

Day 664 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 105. Weight 248. B/P put on a sweatshirt before I took it. 30°outside at 8:46 am. Feeling tired. Cinnamon mini wheats with milk. Milk with collagen powder. Green jello salad.

Day 663 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 107. Weight 248. B/P 118/82. 37°outside at 9:08 am. Feeling tired and not well. Cinnamon mini wheats with milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 662 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 104. Weight 247 😕. B/P 112/92. 34°outside at 6:45 am. Busy day today. Feeling tired but determined. Got a lot done yesterday, or is coming today and Bruce has a Dr appointment (online) but I'm going to lunch with Debbie today 😊 Cinnamon mini wheats with milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 661 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 118. Weight 246. B/P 107/78. 30°outside at 10:43 am. Going to mostly relax today. Cinnamon mini wheats with milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 660 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 110. Weight 246. B/P 111/69. 40°outside at 9:11 am. Just trying to get through the day. Cinnamon mini wheats with milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 659 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 106. Weight 245. B/P 114/77. 37°outside at 8:58 am. Tired and coughing. Flor is coming this morning and there are things I want to get done. Cinnamon mini wheats with milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 658 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 126. Weight 247. B/P 110/86. 38°outside at 9:24 am. Super tired. Thinking about death. Was listening to a book about shared death experiences when my cousin messaged to tell me her mom died. It sounded very peaceful and gentle. It was unexpected. I hope she's free and happy now. My heart goes out to my cousin and the whole family. Cinnamon mini wheats with milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 657 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 113. Weight 245. B/P 120/75. 35°outside at 7:53 am. Looking forward to starting to get the house cleaned. I REALLY need to go through and get rid of stuff. I want the kitchen counters cleared off. I need to figure out where to store appliances. And I have a new dog coming today. If they like what I do they have another dog. Schnauzers. Cinnamon mini wheats with milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 656 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 113. Weight 245. B/P 117/79. 37°outside at 9:02 am. I'm tired. I have a sore throat. I'm coughing. But I'm going to get some good things done today. Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 655 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 131. Weight 245. B/P 114/77. 33°outside at 8:50 am. Feeling sad and tender. Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 654 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 103. Weight 245. B/P 110/78. 40°outside at 11:16 am. Feeling focused on caring for Bruce. Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder. Ice cream drum sticks.

Day 653 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 104. Weight 245. B/P 117/77. 37°outside at 9:31 am. Feeling blank. Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder. Ice cream drum sticks.

Day 652 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 113. Weight 243. B/P 108/70. 35°outside at 9:16 am. Feeling dependable. Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 651 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 92. Weight 244. B/P 114/77. 40°outside at 11:08 am. Feeling sick to be so needy. Feeling like a resource . Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 650 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 105. Weight 245. B/P 106/76. 40°outside at 10:47 am. Feeling tired and sad and needy. Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 649 of Lose It. Day 1 of exercise. B/G 100. Weight 245. B/P 112/76. 44°outside at 10:40 am. Feeling tired. Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder.

Day 648 of Lose It. Day 2 of exercise. B/G 102. Weight 244. B/P 110/72. 34°outside at 8:21 am. Feeling sad and worried mostly. Cinnamon mini wheats, whole milk. Milk with collagen powder. Still eating too much, I do that under stress.