Empty Letters

Chow my love, chow 🫡

When I first met you, you swore you’d get me to be yours and low and behold you were correct. Here we are now, standing side by side married. When I met you, I had no idea that in just a few short months you’d come to mean so much to me, but you do. And now that I get to be your wife is so amazing. Calling you mine from the start is the highlight of my life but getting to really call you my husband is breathtaking. Knowing that for the rest of my days our inside jokes will always be there to make us laugh or our hearts when were on the phone… I get to do it with you. When OUR children look at us and make the silly noises and comments of “ew dad and me’ or “mom and you” We’ll know we’ve made it in life because they see how much we love one another. I love you and I thank my stars, moons, universe and GOD for you. I love you and I can’t wait to spend the rest of forever with you. So here to us darlin, here’s to us. I love you. I love you more, most and last but not least I’ll love you in the next life. Always.

Love,
Your wife

I still have my vows written-

To you my dear,
Love him better than I could…. Love him so damn hard.

I did not make you lunch before work, but I always made sure to be up to kiss you before you left.
I did not make you dinner every night, but I made sure you had clean clothes laid out for your shower.
I did not have a lot to offer you, but I wrote you endless pages of my love for you.

I wasn’t enough for you, but you were enough for me.

I love you, and I will always love you, but you won’t ever love me again, you don’t know how to love properly. I just hope that someday you will learn how to love and how to appreciate the small things. I may have let my depression win some days, I may have let my anxiety win some days, but my love was always real, my love was never fake and the small things I did for you, they were a token of my love for you. My letters being one of them. I wasn’t the best and I take full acountblitty for that. But you weren’t inocent either. But again, my love was real & the fact that you took it and ran shows exactly who you are as a person. As long as you get what you want in the end right? I’m not sure if you ever loved me, but the love I had in the start was beautiful and you are so beautiful. So please, please be good to her. Love her right and don’t f**k this up. Don’t let her kids get attached only to leave in the end, don’t end things when it gets hard or to much. Don’t leave her because you self sabotage everything good that comes your way. Be good, be true & love her better than you loved me.

I hate that I love you.
And I know, I know hates such a strong word. But I hate it. I HATE that I love you and no matter what I do or how hard I try, you don’t ever leave my brain. I hate that you’re there and you’re in everything I do, what music I listen to. You’re everywhere and I hate it. I hate you…. But I don’t really hate you, I just miss you so much….

You know what’s crazy?
What’s crazy is that no matter what anyone says or how much s**t anyone talks, even though I’m hurt and angry with you I still hope it’s you. I still pray for you, for us, for our family. Because you, you are the love of my life. We lost one another and maybe we needed to for a little bit. Maybe just maybe we needed the time apart so we could find ourselves. But it’s been months and I still haven’t given up hope on you, but you aren’t coming back and haven’t come back yet. I miss you more than anything. I wish my words were enough for you, I wish you saw yourself how I see you, even though you’ve done some s**tty things, it’s still you. And I don’t know if it’ll always be you or if I’m just holding onto a rope of hope. But lord knows, if you decided to come back, come back with pure love, because I didn’t deserve to be left behind like that. I love you.

I want you.
I regret to inform you that I’m still awake, and I promise, I’m not trying to be annoying…. But I miss you & I need you. I don’t want you to hate me or regret getting with me. I don’t want you to regret having our son or asking me to marry you. I love you, I love you so much it hurts, it physically hurts. I’m so afraid you’re gonna let go, I’ll eventually be way too much for you. I’m afraid you’re going to leave, lose your love for me. And I know, I know you tell me I’m not, and that we’ll be okay. But I’m scared, I have never in my life wanted someone as bad as I want you. I want you for the rest of my days. As long as GOD or whoever gives me time. I want you for whatever time I have left. I want to live life with you and experience everything together. I wasn’t your first kiss, or the first woman you had a baby with, and maybe in another lifetime we met sooner, but we met now, and now, now- you’re everything to me. I don’t want to let go. I can’t let you go. Even on days it hurts to talk to you because I’m angry and sad. Even on your bad days I feel like I’m not worthy of you. I want the good days and bad days. I want your drunken nights & tears so hard you’re soaking my shirt. I want you when you don’t feel wanted, I want you when you doubt yourself as a father, brother, son, grandson, etc. I want you. I want us. I want us when the days seem so long and the days blur together. I want hot showers and cold nights wrapped together under blankets. I want cheap dates and planed dates. I want land and a farm with all of my cows. I want to hear your big truck coming into the drive way. I want the excitement of your face when you see me. I want your calloused hands touching my skin. I want you to need me to shave your head. I want your hands on my body and soul. I want to grow so old with you. I want our children to see us so in love that they say “ew mom (stepmom) & dad are so gross”. I want your snoring and tossing and turning. I want the days you’re angry at me and say hurtful things. I want you to come home knowing I’m your safe place. I want you. It maybe crazy, but I’d give my last breath to make sure you knew how much you mean to me, how much I love you. I would put my life on the line if it meant saving yours. I want you. I want you always. I hope you know that. I hope it burns into your brain. I want you to know that I’m not giving up on you. I don’t want another soul to touch mine the way you have. I don’t want to tell anyone else what my favorite color is, or why a song saved me from killing myself. I don’t want to explain my sadness to anyone else but you. I don’t want to raise my children with anyone but you. I want you. I want the sleepless nights & the endless laughter. I want your kisses, sloppy and drunk, I want 3am hugs and you pulling me closer to you just because I moved over a little bit to far. I want your insecurities.. I want this life with just you. Because you, you Honey , mean the world to me. And if I’m lucky enough to have you today, I want you for tomorrow, and the day after. I want you in the next life and then some.

So my dear honey, 🍯
I love you.
I love you more, I love you most, and last but not least, I’ll forever love you in the next life.

Love,
Please love forever,

11/30/23

And someday when we’re gray and old. I hope you come across an old picture of us covered in dust and you have nothing but the memories of who we used to be and we were used to be in life when everything made sense for the moment the picture was taken. I hope it’s nothing but good memories but I hope that your heart hurts a little bit more, I hope that someday you’ll understand that I had no ill intentions of our relationship ending or of us ever being in a situation, where only one of us loved harder than the other.

I talked to my grandma a lot about you lately. I know that she won’t answer me but some part of me likes to believe that she’s listening even if it’s about the same bulls**t over and over again because I know she was here. She told me figure out what to do, I talk to my grandma a lot about you lately and I hope that maybe someday , someday soon I’ll get the answers I’ve been looking for. Until then, it’s conversations between me God, and my grandma and well the rest of the world.

I’m letting you go now. I’m leaving you behind as a distant memory. Because that’s all I’ll ever be to you.

I don’t know what to say-
Say it anyway my dear, I’ll make sense of it eventually, I’ll learn what you’ve meant. I’ll understand, put your words down, it doesn’t have to make sense to you, I’ll figure it out. Please, just say what you feel like you need to say & let me put together the pieces. Please? Just for once try?

It’s been almost a month… and while it hurts, all of this hurts, I need to do what I can to let you go because this isn’t gonna work, we aren’t coming back, despite it all, despite the praying to GOD & telling you everything on how I view you or how much you’ve come to mean to me. At the end of the day, it matters to one person, and that’s me. I’m the only person who’s holding on, and I’m not sure why. Maybe because I wanted a family, maybe because I’m having your son, maybe because I’m selfish and have hope that I’m just not that easy to throw away. But it’s been almost a month, and there’s been enough evidence to show me, that I, me, I’m not worthy of the fight I want so desperately to happen. I am not what, or who you want. I don’t think I was, not at the end atleast, I will forever just be another baby momma, nothing more and nothing less. I need to let you go & it’s gotta start by you taking every memory of me away from you. I still love you, I do, and I’ll love you in the next life, but right now? You don’t want that love and I have to be okay with that. You’re not coming back…. And I’m dumb for even thinking that you would…. I’m okay with us doing what we do, yk? The jokes, the s*x, whatever, but I’m not okay with knowing that you’re not coming back to me. And I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, I’ll wait, because that’s what I do, I don’t give up so quickly, it’s not who I am, but at the same time, at some point…. You have to become a memory… and that’ll be hard as we share a child together now, but that’s all we share. Our memories hold nothing anymore. They’ll forever be in my brain and written down, but they’re for our son, not for me, not for you, not for us. I hate that I still love you, I hate that you’ve become apart of me in ways I can’t let go, but I need to… I mean nothing at the end of the day. I’m just another girl… a selfish naive woman who believes in hope & GOD… but it’s not enough to make it work, it’s not enough to fix us, to bring us back, even if we started completely over. Which is what I’ve been praying for, yk? To start over. Try this but make it better. The truth is, I knew you were falling out of love, I was just holding on to the maybe, “maybe this isn’t happening again” I prayed really hard the last night we spent together, praying you wouldn’t wake up and decide that you didn’t love me anymore, but it happened. And as this month has come and passed, I know it happened. To no fault but my own. I’ll be here. Yk? When you’re ready to come home. Until then, I’ll love you from a distance.

So, tell me why, why I wasn’t enough for you? That’s all I want. Is that too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask to know the why? I know at some point you lost feelings for me; I know at some point I stopped being enough. But why? Was it my mood swings? Was it the depression? Was it the morning sickness from being pregnant? Or was it the lack of s*x? I just don’t understand the excuses that you didn’t love me the same anymore or the “I wasn’t ready like I thought” because if that was the case the Gods honest truth, you would’ve left months ago, you wouldn’t have spent two days with me, telling me how much you loved me and sat with me while I cried to you about how much you meant to me. But maybe it was a lie. Maybe the whole time I meant nothing. Maybe the whole time I was just a toy you got to play with because you were still heartbroken from you and her. I wish you would’ve never said yes to me when I asked you out, I wish you would’ve come down that one time and never reached out again. Because here I am, almost a month post breakup and I still hurt, I still cry myself to sleep wondering where and how I can/could’ve done more for you. How I could’ve been a better person, a better girlfriend, mother and stepmom. I cry holding my children because my daughter asks me almost every night if you still love her and I don’t know how to answer that; not honestly. I held my belly crying to our son in hopes he knows that this wasn’t a part of the plan & how sorry I am that our lives turned out like this. I never wanted anything more in this life than to have a family. A two-parent household. A place where my daughter would finally see someone loving her mom right. But that’s not in my cards, I see that now. It’s been almost a month since we broke up and no amount of praying or writing to you is going to fix us or make everything better. We will never start again, new, fresh. What’s done is done. I care and you don’t. That’s just the reality of it all. So maybe someday I’ll be enough. Maybe someday you’ll love me the way I love you, but until then, I’ll be here, waiting, until I can no longer wait. I love you. I love you more, most and last but not least, I’ll love you in the next life. Forever yours darlin, forever yours….

Beyond excited to announce that I’ll be starting my book over again!! I lost some very important pages to the OG book, but this new one? It’s going to hit everyone in the feels. I’m so excited for the release of this version!!
The fact that this is about a lot of people who have hurt me, betrayed me, loved me and hated me.

All is well,
But if you get a glimpse of the pages I’ve written, understand that names and places have been changed for the safety of the people in my book. Despite all they did,
One: I don’t need to be sued
Two: I don’t need everyone and whatever to know the towns. (States are different, states are huge)
Three: I know the people who will read this will know that it’s about them, but not everyone else will.

I don’t wanna be married for the sake of saying “I’m married”, I want too be married for the love, the happiness, anger, sadness & all that comes with it. I want to be married for the kids to see how happy daddy makes mommy, and for me to share another part of you. I want to be your wife, simple and plain. But to be your wife, the stars would finally align.

And we're back up and running folks!! 🥹💗 Message the page with your letters!!

Decided against this page anymore.
Since writing your thoughts out is "being" suicidal, This page will be no more.
thank you all for supporting me & this page, But I will not sit here and allow people to try and use this page against me.
Maybe someday it'll be back up and running... but as of now... no more. 💗💗

“no, don't leave! every second you're not
around i feel like i'm drowning. i will kill
myself if you leave! you are the only good
thing in the entire world. i want to crawl in
your skin and live there! Please stay!
But that's what you like to hear isn't it?
because i might be monstrous, but you get
off on it. you like me when i'm at my worst
you like to pretend you are doing such a
favor staying by my side. as if it makes you a
saint. does it fuel your ego to be above
someone like me? go ahead and threaten to
leave with no intention of doing so. i know
you adore seeing me beg and cry for you to
stay. you enjoy the idea that someone cares
enough about you to harm and hate
themselves for not meeting your
expectations, it makes you feel
powerful doesn't it?
we deserve each other and this awful cycle”

-Anonymous

My worst fear came true.
She doesn’t love me anymore.
We ended things and I’m not okay.
I don’t know how to be okay.
I miss her. I miss hugging her and kissing her whenever I wanted… I miss her so much… 😪😪