Nun, the Void

It's very important to me to write this down, because I want to document how I've been feeling, and to express myself to others so that maybe if they take the time to read this, they might have a better idea of who I am now and in the future, maybe after I'm gone, or for me to reflect upon one day.

I wish I could just show people what it's like to be me.
Like, just for a moment, let them look into my mind as if to put their face into the surface of a small pond to witness life below.

I can tell you all day long that I have Asperger's, or that I'm still healing from post-trauma, or that being transgender, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin sometimes, so that they could understand what I go through, the kind of stress that I stay under, but those issues, they're small to me.

They're insignificant.
They mean nothing, compared to the trauma accompanying awareness.

Most people lack the comprehensive capacities, or the ability handle the very real, and sheer fu***ng terror that comes with total awareness of reality and the self, and why there's a reason most people with such an awareness eventually take their own lives-

To be anything, to reflect on one's own existence, and the existence of all things-

When you realize that reality exists in so many paradoxical ways, ways that defy even the most simple, and complex explanations-
(and I don't mean information that you can gather from a book, being information that you gather from someone ELSE'S experiences.
I mean experiencing it for YOURSELF)
-ensues confusion unbearable.

Let me just add that the difference between knowledge and wisdom, is that knowledge comes from the study of information, and wisdom comes from the study of experience.
Wisdom breeds knowledge, in comparison.

To have a full understanding of your lack of understanding feels like delirium.

"I am me, but what am I?"

"I am 'here', but where is 'here'? What is it to be 'here?'"

To literally wake up in the middle of the night, in a half-stupor, and your mind is just fu***ng ROARING with thoughts that you can't even put it into words..
It's difficult to attempt to explain something so inexplicable. It feels like a curse trying to explain something that makes your 🧠 go 🥴

There are no words, and not because I lack the vocabulary or articulation.

To be in a state of mind like that.
It isn't like being scatterbrained after dropping acid, or eating shrooms or smoking DMT..

It's like, waking up for the first time ever, as who you are, and you're reflecting on your own existence, and it's terrifying. It's terrifying because you know what you are, and you know where you are, but you don't know WHY you are, or why you are where you are.

You're aware of your own understanding, but not just like, "being a human is strange" 🤯

It's like, "How is the matter upheld in empty space capable of both constant materialization and able to follow such specific and infinitely recurring patterns naturally, and how am I one with it while also perceiving it as a whole, it's existence separate from my own, and why is it happening?"

I have to keep moving to keep my mind off of it.

I have to remind myself that my purpose is simply experience, as is yours.

I love myself enough that I can keep my own company, but honestly, sometimes, the only way I can overcome myself and the true, undeniable weight of my own existence, is when I'm with someone else..

When I am distracted by their presence, by their energy. It's difficult to relax without having someone beside you, someone you can resonate with, to match their frequency. To relax alongside someone who can lower their vibrations with ease.

Life, is very difficult. Very confusing. Very strange, to say the least. I hope one day that I can reflect on it, without the side effects. I'm confident that I don't belong anywhere else besides where the universe has me at this exact moment. And neither are any of you.

I love you all. 🧘‍♀️

Updating the resolution ;)
I'll start posting clips of my streams here for ya'll to catch

A photo of a woman, created using 8 different photos of a woman.

If you'd like me to try this with your photos, just lmk