JusTammy Da Righter

JusTammy: Practice RUN (Long Post Alert)

I laid there on the floor in pure disbelief. My mind, heart, and soul all racing different speeds at once. Lord knows, I was so confused. Looking for some explanation to why? Why me?

It felt hallow from my waist down. I couldn’t speak but I wanted to scream so loud. Just as I did when it was happening. Almost two hours went by before I realized I was on the floor in the same position. My limbs began to stiffen and my legs were numb. But I couldn’t stay like this forever. I gathered my thoughts and begin to pray.

“Lord, forgive him for he knows not what he do. Forgive him taking my precious treasures for his own personal pleasures. Make him whole again. Take the hatred and animosity out of his heart. Bless him Lord, rejuvenate his mind, body, and spirit” I concluded my prayer with the normal…. Ame— (SLAAPPPPP)

Before I could finish my Amen a swift hand went clear across my face. Though I was already in a discombobulated state, this slap further bemused me. I grabbed my face and looked away from the direction of the slap. My hair was a little out of place before BUT this slap had my hair looking like Big Red’s when Eleanor slapped him at her husband’s funeral in The Five Heartbeats movie. How I wish I had just half of her strength right now.

“Get up, Stupid,” he yelled as he yanked me to my feet. My body felt like a rag doll, I was still in pain from him forcing himself on me just a few hours prior.

Stacy you gonna wish you were never born when I get done with you, he growled in my ear. Little he knew, that thought was already running through my mind. Josh, please, please, I am so sorry for whatever I’ve done. Please just let me go!

Let you go, huh. That’s the problem I let you go and you decide to grow a brain. Stacy just shut up before you make me mad all over again. I saw that look in his eyes and knew how familiar it looked so I used my better judgment and closed my mouth.

See, some time back I met Josh through a mutual friend. We’d been dating for over 3 years now. During that time, life was worth living. We had an amazing relationship. He and I literally did everything together. We worked out, shopped, shot pool, watched sports, and we even worked together for a short time. Two years into our relationship he began to speak louder, disagree more, and distant himself. I didn’t think too much of it. I truly thought it was due to the illness of his mother. He spoke about her here and there but never really went in depth. You know it didn’t raise any red flags seeming that his mother lived in Phoenix, Arizona and we resided on the outskirts of Chicago, Zion to be exact. He made a trip to visit her a few times a year but again no major conversation about her. He always assured that we’d meet as soon as she got better.

Josh was everything to me. In the beginning of our courtship he treated me well. No fluke or exaggeration. He was amazing, we were in love and ready to build a life together. Josh was anxious to have a little boy. We’d been trying after a year together. In my mind I always felt lack of conception was my fault. Nothing confirmed that it just felt like that. This man was almost a father a few times in his life. His last ex – girlfriend became pregnant with his child but she had an abortion. For some odd reason he never seemed too thrilled about that (almost) union though. I understood her viewpoint. She was awarded a full ride to UCLA and she was very intelligent and driven. She and I had classes together before and she was one witty chic! She was decent looking, had a nice lil frame, and chocolate just how Josh like his women. It was just weird that it didn’t necessarily bother him that she aborted their child. I mean she was all within her rights it’s just when we have conversations about his past he always mention how he’s glad she didn’t have their son. Of course he had no idea the gender of a 60 day old fetus but in his mind, it was definitely a boy. Then he end up having a one night stand and apparently with the usage of protection and all he got this other young lady pregnant. Now granted she was a little older with 3 kids already. Sadly, she suffered a miscarriage. That seemed to hurt his feelings. Their unborn child was 22 weeks, she was nearing her third trimester. I can imagine they both began to grow close to their child. Nevertheless, here he is badly wanting me to bare his child. We just can’t seem to get pregnant.

Truthfully, right now in this place we’re in I refuse to have a child with him. My mind is working overtime trying to figure out how to escape this dysfunctionalship because we definitely don’t have a relationship anymore.

Josh waved for me to come into the bedroom. I was still having some pain from earlier. Actually, I didn’t even want to be around him. He’d literally just had s*x with me and put his freaking hands on me. His aggression was truly amping up. This was the Josh I didn’t know. The one that would appear out the blue. He called me in the room and sat me in the black leather stool that was at the foot of the bed. He crawled in front of me and laid his head in my lap. There he sobbed for what felt like forever. He put his hands around my waist and just cried. He kept saying, “I’m so so sorry.” His reactions changed my feelings from angry to sad. I found myself comforting him. I wanted to ask him why he continued to have s*x with me when I just did not want to at the time but I didn’t want to risk agitating him again. I slid my body off the bed bench so that I can be closer to Josh. I sat there with his head in my hand comforting him until he cried himself. I began to pray again!

Everyone wants me to keep quiet or put a filter on my confessions
But no one had any advice when he was making me part of his possessions
I didn’t inquire about your input nor did I ask for your blessings
You can either listen with an open heart or muster up the courage to even ask me a question
My pain wouldn’t make you stronger even if you read about it…
A walk in my shoes.
-JusTammy (2016)

A Tribute to Kobe Bryant the Great!

Twenty four – Eight

As a six year old kid I fell in love with a dream,

I was determined to win rather alone or with a team,

My grind, my work ethic, my self-esteem,

Second to none, it got me five rings



Those shots could’ve broke me but it strengthen my faith,

This game was meant for me it wasn’t at all a mistake,

Nothing was given to me,

I couldn’t bend, fold, or break,

My mind was made up, what I wanted I had to take,

Every foul, every critique, every mishap, every beat,

I schooled boys for a living, they watched my hands but forgot about my feet,

I was deadly like venom… 6’6 frame and a strong build for a physique,


I was fast and furious and made many athletes curious,

Just why in the hell I took this game so serious,

My hard work, persistence, my drive not to escape,

Nothing short of a miracle – charge that to hereditary traits,

Picking up a ball didn’t stunt my intellect,

I could speak to you in different dialects,

My ego served as a mandate for respect,


Twenty four – eight

Were my hours of operation,

Never in life did I think basketball & I would ever have an official separation,

But we publically divorced and I was granted peace,

Two Jerseys retried validated a huge piece of me,

Purple for Royal and Gold for Unique,

The two colors are forever branded on me,


The pain, the pleasure, the intensity of this life,

I did it all with Vanessa being my wife,

Even when times were difficult with no light,

God restored our love, we walked by faith, not by sight,

My forever girls Natalia, Bianka, & Capri... I love you so much and you’ll forever be with me,

Gi Gi if I had one choice it would’ve been for you to stay,

I was okay with sharing everything with you with the exception of that day,

Double the hurt and twice the pain,

But double the angels that Heaven just gained,


The only thing I could describe as hate, was NOT winning,

If it were my decision this would not have been the ending,

But my journey was complete, blessed from my hands to my feet,

An Icon! A Legend! A man of no defeat!


Please excuse me -- I need to teach Gi Gi this pump fake & vertical leap.

Twenty four – Eight

BLACK MAMBA OUT!

-JusTammy

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