The Unscrupulous Mind

"He loved eating tacos. Just not his wife's."

"His girlfriend's constant jealousy was overbearing to the point that it caused him to question their relationship. He took comfort knowing that he would be in the loving arms of his wife soon enough."

I've been editing some of Monte's works to put together a compilation book later this spring. Here is a book that got rejected by many publishers.

"Sadly, Hugo Hernandez got in his pick-up truck with his faithful dog, Goober. As they approached the vast mountain range Goober looked up at Hugo making him smile. Moments later, Hugo drove back home, alone."

All is well with a ju**ie who is about to score.

"Drowning was not Lucy Marie Dominic's first choice of dying or even her second. But as Lucy quickly drowned in the raging river she couldn't for the life of her remember what her first choice was."

"Though the lyrics to Ramon Franks-Sanchez didn't make any sense, Ramon had a cult following of fans. It was learned after he died that he suffered from extreme dyslexia, was basically illiterate and possibly mentally disabled. Suddenly his lyrics made sense to his embarrassed fans."

"Having never been potty trained, 28 year-old Miguel Farrell was nervous on his wedding night. His bride, though shocked by the revelation admitted to being a ho**er as recently as that morning. Both revealed deep secrets on their wedding night. Within three months Miguel's wife potty trained him with the help of her pimp."

"I always feel the need to reflect when I look in the mirror." Excerpt from a Village Idiot's Journal.

The book is in! Do you have your copy? My mom doesn't.

"Bubba Gomez, The Redneck Mexican, awoke to find that he was missing his pinky finger on his right hand. That made it four fingers in four nights that had gone missing, all that was left was his thumb. Who could be taking his fingers? Bubba Gomez, knew what to do. He removed his thumb himself and hid it from the finger bandit. The next morning the index finger from his left hand was missing."

"The proof was never in the pudding for the detective who was lactose intolerant."

"I've mastered using live bait for fishing. Does that make me a master-baiter?"

"Convinced that her pet bird was telling her secrets, Anne Ross, each week would start her conversations with, 'A little birdie told me' during her sewing circle. The rumors were false, of course. Her friends confronted Anne and learned it was an actual bird that she was getting her gossip from. Deep down, Anne had serious mental problems which now had become the gossip of her friends."

"Afraid that he would be burned alive at the stake, Al Jones worshipped the devil alone in his mom's basement. On the eve of 6/6/66, Al lit 13 black candles for Satan to appear. Once in a trance, Al knocked over a candle catching the basement on fire. Not knowing of his devotion for the devil, Al's mom gave him a Christian burial. He wound up going to Heaven where he lived for eternity in his own personal hell."

"The doctor asked Rachel Hamilton-Hernandez to push one more time to have the baby delivered. When she did, Rolando Hodgkins IV, Rachel's husband waited for the doctor to announce whether the baby was a boy or a girl. He desperately wanted a boy to carry his dying family name. It was a boy. In time the boy Hodgkins V grew up but never married or had any children. He was gay."

"Juan 'One Sock' Sanchez crossed illegally through Piedras Negras on the eve of his 13th birthday. He had a peso in his pocket and a heart filled of gold for his family left back at home in old Mexico. He worked hard and learned English while washing dishes. Thirteen years later, 'The Juan and Only Dishwashing Service' opened up to much fanfare on both sides of the border. Sadly, thirteen years later it was shut down for hiring one too many illegal aliens, including, Juan 'One Sock' Sanchez."

"George Edwards-Sanchez sat silently contemplating what had just happened. Looking back he knew sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend was a huge mistake. Especially when he learned that she was a man."

"Onward through it all, Paco Vasquez-Johnson knew that times could only get better. Though, Paco Vasquez-Johnson never saw a good day in his life he always kept a positive attitude. Except for the day he died. On that day he cursed the world and everyone in it. With no one to the see the spectacle, he was remembered as a positive and loving person by the one person who attended his funeral, his motivational guru."

"Once in the arms of her long presumed dead husband, Lindsey Simmons-Washburn's fear of zombies caused her to ask for an immediate divorce."

"Stealing from the di Lorenzo crime family was a huge mistake and now Roberto di Lorenzo would pay for his stupidity. As Mama di Lorenzo asked him for any final words, Roberto nodded his head, yes. 'Mom, remember that time when I was seven and Nicky said I hit him and I told you he was lying? Mom, I lied, I did hit him.' And just like that Mama di Lorenzo capped her son not for stealing from the family but for lying when he was 7."

"After several years of marriage it stopped bothering Jack Johnson-Johnson that his wife would disappear each night at 3AM. Though early on it became apparent that she didn't observe standard time because each fall she would disappear at 2AM."

"Thomas 'Tommy' Thompson had long had doubts that his mother, a known pr******te, was not his real mother. On her death bed she confessed, 'Son, you are not my son,' were her final words. Tommy confronted his father, his mother's pimp, who confirmed what Tommy had also doubted, 'Son, you are not my son,' were his final words as well. Tommy died only knowing that he was the son from another mother and another father."

"After catching her husband cheating she simply turned away as her boyfriend beat him to a pulp."

"Juan Pablo Goldstein's love for his church was ostentatious. When the church shut its doors because of a flea infestation, Juan Pablo gathered a group of homeless men to fumigate. Paying them with beer and ci******es the men worked hard. When the church reopened Juan invited the men back to thank them publicly. Later that day, the church closed again because of a flea infestation."