Siana Staying Alive

Breakfast and lunch.

I’m restarting and making this . I didn’t have electricity and internet to track nicely. We are doing this thing people’s.

After everything I have been through, everything that has traumatized me. I am proud to say that I have established while I don’t believe many things, especially about myself, I do believe whole heartedly that I am kind. M

I haven't been posting for a legit reason for once. I haven't had electricity and won't have electricity until Monday.

I have however tried to be kind to myself and am working hard on both work and self-care.

Lost 3kg already.

Update tomorrow after charging my laptop at work.

Reweighed myself first thing and I'm actually 2kg lighter than what I originally weighed in. It's nice but still not great.

But it's Day Two and we are doing well so far.

Tonight I'm having a toasted cheese sandwich and some tomato soup. I burnt the toasted cheese for dinner - of course - but it was still tasty.

For breakfast tomorrow I'm having a left over toasted cheese and tomato soup. Two Kiwi's, four baby carrots and some grapes.

For lunch I'm having ham sandwiches, two seedless mandarins, some blueberries and some strawberries.

These meals are not to eat all in one go. These include snacks.

It is a carb heavy meal and I'll find a balance but I'm also researching fun lunches to keep myself motivated.

Still feeling down.

Onwards

It's been... months.

In those months I thought I was okay, but I wasn't. I thought I wasn't that heavy, when I'm actually at my heaviest I've ever been. I just fell back into bad habits, bad choices and it hurt nobody but me.

Me.

I hurt me again. Do I really matter so little to myself? I know I matter a lot to my loved ones because they've been concerned about my weight for months.

Months.

I'm back in therapy. That's so badly needed. I bought fruit and veggies instead of chocolate and muffins.

I'm so sure that my friends and family are tired of hearing me go - this time. I promise. This time I'm really going to lose weight. Falling off the wagon is so hard. I still stand by Noom, I'm starting from the beginning.

I realize I don't need anyone to believe in me, but it's nice to have. It's nice to have support.

This is my weight loss journey.

The line that I heard said it's either one day or day one.

This is day one.

It started at 14:00.

For dinner I'm having stroganoff and rice and for a snack while I wait for it to cook is a Sicilian orange. Ashleigh's right, it's damn tasty.

I'm not ready to say my weight out loud, I'm still coming to terms with it. But I'm not accepting it.

I’m feeling soooooooo good about myself and I am just riding this high! Jeans that haven’t fit in years. My UK jacket that’s been too tight is looser. Hair is starting to calm down. I actually feel beautiful 😭

It fits!

Wanna know what the most awesome feeling in the world is after fitting into the tub? Fitting into clothes again. My friend bought me a pair of pants that would normally be a few sizes too small for my fatty a$$ and I was excited and nervous because I haven’t had jeggings that fit in so long.

They fit.

I tried them on and they fit.

A special mention here to my sister and Toni who have spent the last four years fighting me for me to have healthier habits. And a special shout-out to my Ash who gives me all the info, receipts and deals to cook home cooked meals!

I am feeling tired, but good! The journey continues - next two goals is to start exercising again and to lose another 10kg in however long it takes me (turns out I work better without a time limit).

Viva revolution!

Sobbing.

I’m sobbing write now.

If you asked what the worse thing about being fat was I’d probably navigate past the judgement and stares and inability to find fitting clothes and straight to the nice things I can’t have or have lost the ability to have.

Probably one of the things I have missed the most in the last four years is the ability to have a hot bath. To soak my sore body in a hot bath with deep heath bubble bath and lavender bath bombs. To really fully enjoy sugar and salt scrubs and waiting until I’m wrinkly to get out.

I love showering…. Not nearly as much as I loved bathing and i think that contributed a lot to my depressive episodes over the last four years.

Not only was it fun, and relaxing but it was therapeutic to my sore body and often where I just took time for me. It isn’t a wash and get out feeling which is how I feel about showers. Baths are life.

Today, for the first time in four years, I sat on the edge of the bath facing away from it to fill the cat food for Darkness and out the corner of my eye I noticed that my fatty rolls seemed slightly thinner than the width of the bath.

My first thought was it couldn’t be, it wasn’t possible. I had long again accepted I’d never get a decent bath unless I get one of those really expensive huge ones.

But still my mind wondered….

So I stepped into the bath and it felt alien. I hadn’t done this in so long I almost forgot how to get down without slipping and hurting myself. But like riding a bike I remembered how to do it without hurting my back.

Then I sat there, fully clothed staring down my jeans at my new slippers. I dare say I was in a state of shock (still am) and the tears started. I could sit in the bath fully clothed which meant I could have a bath naked.

I fit.

Four years of believing that I would never fit again, and I fit. Just like I’m finding where I fit in my life so I fit in the bath. I thought about all the diets, the exercise, the shakes, the pills, my surgery, tears, wanting to die, health scares, constant medical issues, constant pain, expensive clothes that were ugly but was the only thing that fit.

Four years of not being able to have the one thing I loved to do most, because i had fu**ed my body up.

A lot of people know it has been a wild ride through my life - but few understand the darkness that hovered over these last four years and how I fought both against and for me, and my closest friends fought me for me, to save me from a doomed existence of being unable to move, unable to breathe and unable to exist.

Four years.

After seventeen years of chain smoking I’ve just passed the end of four months of not even craving a cigarette.

After four years of my friends and sister not giving up on me - I’ve lost enough weight to bath again. Bath. Just soak. I have a good book to read too. Maybe some music and candles.

So I’m sobbing right now - im a right mess - but it’s because im happy.

I fit.

You know… I often say to my friends that it isn’t east being friends with me. I withdraw a lot. And when I am present I’m either super bubbly, super bitchy, kinda funny or crying.
I take meds for that.

I take meds for a lot of things and my sister said she’s worried I take so much medication and I look at the meds and I realize that the meds are not the result of me becoming sick. They are a result of me making myself sick.

6lt of coke a day… oh well. Now I’m pre-diabetic

I put my thyroid problems down to my bad eating habits since my twenties.

I’m on ADHD meds and well… maybe that one isn’t my fault.

I’m in meds for my moods depression and anxiety…. Thanks wild parties of my twenties when I thought anything could go and substances would ease the pain of my trauma. I stuffed the chemicals up in my brain.

All these meds and I am still trying to find a balance and I don’t know how my closest ones do it but they smile at me, hold my hand, and ask me what they can do and they know I’m going to babbles for awhile incoherently about every little thing and I’ll cry, then I’ll get angry… then I’ll calm down.

It must be taxing.

But my best friend told me… never to assume she is angry with me (my brain tells me this often - she isn’t actually doing anything). So tonight when my brain ticked over and said eh, you probably pi**ed her off I opened my mouth and said, Toni…. I assume you’re not mad at me.

She shouted from the kitchen that I assumed correctly.

I chatted to my UK friends and one is a mental health specialist and she walked me through my overwhelm.

And I sit here now at 22:10 getting ready to take the night batch of meds so I can sleep and regulate my hormones and I think… am I really so hard to love or is it just really hard for me to love me.

Never have my friends ever said I’m a bad friend. Never. I never miss a birthday, or their children’s birthdays. Being empathetic has its pro’s I can almost sense when certain people need me to tell jokes. And I got plenty. I can be calm and stable and the rock my friends need when there’s stormy seas in their lives. I love my sister, her husband and kids and I love my friends. Passionately and without conditions. It doesn’t matter if I see you everyday or twice a year, call me - I’m the one who will answer and arrive.

I need to arrive for me now. It’s so hard I don’t think people understand how hard it is to spend your entire life hating yourself as a person because of how others traumatized you. I was never good enough, I was never skinny enough, dedicated enough, focussed enough, talented enough.

To fu***ng who? Cause the people who love me didn’t believe that. My sister has spent my entire life loving just as the little weirdo I am. She celebrates my uniqueness and when someone else in my family
Hurts me she screams to the heavens that it is THEIR loss, not mine.

My friends always tell me I’m beautiful, not fat. They say they love my smile or the way my eyes change color. The way I laugh until I can’t breathe and how when I’m tired I’m incredibly crazy and quick with wit.

I’m kind to animals, I’m kind to anyone I meet really. I will protect the underdog fiercely, unless that underdog is me.

All of you who have been following have seen how I am trying so hard to love myself and it stumps how I find it so difficult, and others find it so easy.

I am so tired of that hate. But I don’t know yet how to love myself. So please know I am so thankful to have all of you love me while I can’t.

It’s the reason I’m still alive.

Who knows where this journey will take me but damn, I’m glad to have you guys with me ❤️❤️❤️

Now I’m going to go attempt a second time to crochet a hat. Listen to a serial podcast. And cuddle a dog and cat before I call it a night.

If it’s possible to be kind, always be kind.

# # #

https://open.spotify.com/track/7tciLkkS6CrefNvFcgE1AY?si=eNxhiIcsQ9iCimAd9nWVlA

EP. 5: Hating Stuff Ian McConnell · Song · 2022

It’s been a minute.

Okay it’s been two months but whose counting anything except the weight I’ve lost.

I guess I lost myself for awhile there. I mean, I definitely lost my gallbladder that sucker was evicted faster than… okay we’re not using rude analogies today to get our point across… 👀👀👀👀

But I did lose myself. I lost the part of me that though I mattered, to people I thought mattered, who actually really don’t. I fight myself constantly on the fact that if people don’t like me it must be me, not them. It’s no one really. Who wants to be friends with someone you have nothing in common with to begin with. Or someone you were friends with for years that is just on a different path now.

I lost the part of me that loved to write and found it exciting to engage with my fans and create worlds that were impossibly possible. I Had to write. I Had to do it to pay bills, and I lost the creative fun part. I saw other authors being loved on and cared for and mentioned over and over again…. (Thanks to the peeps who alway Rec Buried on the odd haunted house request). In reality though I don’t think I’m relevant anymore. And if I want to be relevant I would have to give up that slow burn, twisty plot I love to write. Maybe I’ve become too predictable. Maybe I’m just not confident enough.

I lost a piece of myself that said I am good at my job, my day job that is, and that I have the confidence to make decisions and direct my staff. I tried to fix everything with a strict attitude and I tried to force adjustment. But my staff don’t flourish under that. Maybe I just have to find the right balance.

I am thankful for the people who hold me together: who make me laugh, who hold me when I cry, who brush my hair because my arms are too damn short and my hair is too damn long and I’m not allowed to cut it because of the friends that live vicariously through me (which I don’t mind). I’m thankful for those who haven’t seen me for months and still showed up at my birthday, and I’m grateful for the times I spent with those who didn’t message. I noticed, but I don’t hold it against you any longer. If you wanted to, you would. And I have been largely a absent from a social life and I know it was hard to see through that but thank you to those that stuck it out. No, this is not an announcement that party sian is back. She’s tucked away: she’s retired. This sian will remember special occasions and help sort problems and damn if you need a lift at 2am cause your ass is drunk then hit me up - I am the one, today is the day.

I have also found myself. I’ve found contentment not only at my home, but in myself. A nervous sian that would question why someone wouldn’t want to spend time with her has become a sian that encourages her loved ones to spend time with others, while she spends time loving herself. A sian that wears face masks on a Sunday night, spends ages watching her cat zoom around the room and who is learning to crochet hats! (I already made my sister a scarf for winter I’m so chuffed). It’s a sian who looks in the mirror and past the stomach that hangs forward and smiles at the little girl with bright eyes who has always been able to recite lines from movies and songs as frustrating as it can be to people.

Because of the people who have loved me I am becoming the person that child Sian feels safe with. The person that can keep her tucked away and safe and recognize that feelings are just that, feelings. So if you want to cry, do it because it is such a relief. Laugh loud even if people look at you. Talk excitedly about what you love because even if your friends don’t enjoy it they will be happy you do.

I like to think I’ve grown as a sibling and aunt. I assess more, listen more, haste less. My children might not be with me physically but they know I’m a message away and will Do everything in my power to make it okay. Sometimes it’s a book to read and other times it’s a mini vent about frustrations.

I found a sian that’s still perfectly imperfect - insecure, scared, exceptionally witty when tired and above all else I am a sian who just wants to do the right thing. Regardless of who you are to me.

I like the sian I found and I think she’s ready to start writing again, and start looking forward to things but most of all I like this Sian…

Because she likes me.

I literally took the month off and just recovered but I’m back baby!

FIve weeks post op. check
11kg lighter. Check
2 Months no smoking. Check

Mental health? I’m having huge problems at the moment. I can feel myself shifting into a depressive episode. I need to find better balance and routine to deal with my mental health. I had a proper panic attack on Saturday to the point I called my therapist. Thankfully I was with friends who helped keep me calm but I definitely felt like I was in crisis.

So good and bad. Today was my first day back at the office and at about 1 I needed a damn nap. So I’m off to lala land.

Peace!

Sorry I’ve been so quiet, I’ve been slowly recovering in the background. This morning my bestie suggested we weigh ourselves (she felt I’d lost some weight) and as it turned out I had!!!!!
For the first time in a year and a half I’m under 160kg at 159.7kg. That means I’ve lost about 11kg! I am so excited about this! I haven’t made progress like this in so long 😭😭😭

To all those who have followed up with me, checked in, sent gifts or love or both, thank you. It please know this isn’t aimed at you. This is just a rather rambled muddled vent triggered by some rather ridiculous comments I shouldn’t care about, but that’s not how triggers work.

I had a lot of questions before surgery. Would I feel that I didn’t have a gallbladder? How bad would the effects of not having gallbladder be? how can one survive without a gallbladder?

When I went to the surgeon he looked at my scans, listened to my symptoms and said it had to come out. He wanted me to see another doctor to check how healthy I am and we would schedule surgery.

The specialist physician confirmed I only have 71% lung function but that I was healthy enough for surgery, I apparently have a very strong heart, and that I would just need to stay in care for a day or two for observation.

He also mentioned a change in diet, noting I couldn’t eat ”bad” foods anymore.

Then the contradictory information started coming. Research all says not to eat “bad” foods cause it will make you sick but people I physically know who have had the surgery haven’t really changed much.

They are however skinnier than me, let’s not beat around the bush I am obese at 64kg over a healthy weight.

I had started a diet regime in December, well, I started a therapy regime through an app that helped me make healthier choices - still sneaking in some “bad” food but overall I lost 5kgs while on medication that promotes weight gain so I’ll take my wins.

I quit smoking - last smoke on December 31st 2022 so I was on the right path.

But a lot of people were saying it. This happened to me because I didn’t have self control, because I overindulged, because I I I and me me me… it was my fault and I basically had to live with the consequences (in some cases people told me I deserved them.) and that I no longer had a choice.

Firstly, I don’t deserve fugg all. I’m a nice person who has a history of trauma and mental issues.

People can tell me until they’re blue in the face that I can only use my trauma as an “excuse” until I was an adult and taking care of myself. but honestly, I call BS. YEARS of being taught food is comfort. YEARS of associating emotions with food. Physical and sexual trauma that made me want to “hide” behind the fat.

I tried to lose weight so many times physically but mentally I couldn’t. I would be flippant about it say I am who I am and yes I know better but it’s like m**h, food can be an addiction and that battle is fuggin hard. you might shrug or roll your eyes, and say it’s just a case of self control.

I was a child trapped in an adults body because of my trauma and food was my knight in shining armour.

Being fat was an easy identity to maintain cause the standards are set so low. Eat lots, eat often, eat junk. I wasn’t proud of it, but I did what I did to survive my mind and the things that were done to me.

I didn’t need people commenting on my weight all the time. I didn’t need people telling me how unhealthy I am. Because to me that was just who I was: I needed someone to say, that if I changed, if I took away those things that I used to identify me as Sian, that there was still place for me. That the love would be the same, not a thing would change. That friends wouldn’t change their views on me because I lost a lot of weight. I didn’t want to hear how great I looked when I lost weight, I just wanted to be treated as though fat or thin, it was me people loved.

Some people were kinder than others, family and friends, and those people I love fiercely and they have my undying loyalty and love. But a lot of people weren’t that kind. I’ve gone from being treated as the designated fat friend to “wow NOW you look great that you’ve shed some kg”. Do you understand that implies I wasn’t looking good to begin with? That there wasn’t one physical quality to me that was pretty?

Then I lost my gallbladder. It served notice and it was evicted and I was FUGGING terrified I would die on the operating table cause hell if I deserved my gallbladder issues then I surely deserved to die from complications caused by weight and Smoking.

A lot of people came out and cared for me - I cannot thank you enough for the love I received - but a lot of people remained silent. And that silence spoke volumes because before the silence they made many comments about my weight.

Now I’m sitting her minus a gallbladder and Everytime I even think of eating som**hing tasty I feel nauseas. Som**hing that has been a core role in my life, food, can no longer be a source of happiness. Sure it will help with my comfort eating and with my weight and all those weird and wonderful things…. But I really enjoyed good food. And now I can’t eat salt. Or garlic salt. Or anything white flour based, or brown flour based. I can’t eat any sauces, Gravies, creams, milks, sparkling liquids. I can’t eat chocolate, chips, biscuits, rusks, biltong, or sugary sweets. I can’t eat most red meats and will never eat a decent steak again without feeling sick. Do you know how much I love stew in winter? That’s off the table.

And I deserved this? Because I had an emotional crutch? Because I had a bad habit? Because I hid behind som**hing that I felt kept me safe? Because while I ate I felt like I had more confidence?

Eating food isn’t the only thing that’s gone here. I’m not just grieving the loss of an organ, I’m grieving a loss of a comfort blanket. A loss of an activity I enjoyed. happy memories of cooking lavish dishes for friends for various occasions. Baking for the neighborhood. Swapping recipes with family members. I’m grieving fun pizza nights on the floor on the first day I move into a new house and creamy lattes on cold mornings while I laugh with friends. Making way too many colourful pancakes with my nieces for dinner at my house. It wasn’t just about being able to eat take outs.

I’m grieving a chunk of my life that is now just gone.

And yes, I will adapt and adjust it’s what I do best. And I know it might not seem like such a big thing later on in life maybe it doesn’t seem like such a huge issue to you now. And yes, I do accept responsibility for what has led to this, please stop reminding me.

But please let me grieve, cause a chapter of my life is over, and I’m really sad about it.

I didn’t deserve what happened to me in my past, I didn’t deserve the coping mechanism that I developed to deal with it, or the years of therapy and medication that has gotten me here today where I can see what I’ve done wrong.

I deserved a hug, a kiss and a little compassion.

Sian x

Counting down to surgery.

I’m nervous as hell, I’m panicking but this is just how my brain reacts to the unknown. There is so much unknown but I’m comforted by the people who have had the same operation and said it wasn’t that bad.

My weight is still fluctuating, I’m trying to get it as far down as I can.

Officially a month since I last smoked, that’s gotta count for som**hing. Not a drag, not a v**e, not anything.

I probably won’t be on much tomorrow cause we’re leaving really early. Toni will update on my main profile so follow there for updates.

And keep me in your thoughts please. I hate hospitals when I have to visit people in them, let alone be a patient and although it’s definitely not a long stay - it’s the longest I’ve stayed in hospital.

See you all on the other side.

P.S at least I’ll lose some weight when my gallbladder is out - hopefully a whole kg 🤣🤣

I’m not going to be available for a while.

I’m just reevaluating what I’m spending my time doing and if it’s worth the sacrifice anymore.

See you all after surgery.

I've received 100 reactions to my posts in the past 30 days. Thanks for your support. 🙏🤗🎉

I was banned from Facebook so I’m sorry I was quiet!

All in all I’m really stressed at the moment. I’m worried about paying bills, I’m worried about losing weight, about my mental health and most of all I’m worried about the fact that I‘m having surgery next week

Next week.

God.

It seemed much further away last week. Like a month away. Now it’s just 8 more days.

I’m lucky I have my bestie who is coming with to see me off to surgery and make sure the bastids deliver me pack minus one gallbladder but otherwise good. I wouldn’t start with her, she’ll kick a$$.

After 2-3 Boring days in High Care with no tech (yes I will cry) I’ll be coming home to put my feet up for 2-3 weeks to recover.

I am super grateful to my boss sister and amazing work team who are going to keep everything running while I’m down recovering.

This is the second time I’m off of work because of a surgery and I was also off two weeks last time. And this team is way better than the last one so I’m confident they’ll do great!!!

Weird dreams of late, no doubt from the looming surgery so wish me a good nights sleep cause God knows I need it ❤️

Hope you’re all well ❤️

Sorry I’ve been so quiet.

The last few days have been tough, I won’t lie. I keep questioning why people are friends with me. I keep doubting my every move. I’m nervous about everything. I’m scared I’m going to mess up so I apologize, for future mistakes I guess.

I must ask Toni ten times a day if she’s mad at me? Why so many times? My brain is convincing me I’ve done som**hing to upset. That I haven’t been a good friend.

Toni is never mad. In fact, she dried my hair for me today. We sat and watched a show together. She laughed. I laughed. I know today was a bad day but Toni made the day okay. She made it a good day.

I feel this way about most of my friends which is probably what makes me stay home all the time. I’m scared I’m going to do or say the wrong thing. Rather keep them at a distance then lose them forever I guess.

I told Toni I think I’m hitting a depression but I think this is because I can’t comfort eat anymore. I’m actively stopping myself from binge eating my emotions and my body doesn’t know what to do. I’ve been so manic and then so depressed everyday the last few days.

I feel like this might be like smoking. That if I give it some time, I will adjust. I will find healthy coping m**hods. Or a psych trick to still my bouncing squirrel brain.

Please bear with me while I navigate life without my normal comforts. I’m feeling a little fragile.

Off to bed with me.

I slipped a little this week with some pizza and burgers. I haven’t gained thankfully. Then Noom flies in and is like… todays lesson is if you’re burning out and slipping back to old habits. It was needed, honestly.

I think of all the people I have disappointed at one point or another. I’m not talking about the fake people in my life, more like the people who made an effort.

I was so afraid of not being a pretty enough friend or not being interesting enough or being to emotional that my social life eventually just took a sad dive and it’s sucks. My friends want to see me, but I have developed crippling social anxiety.

I was the first kid yo go to university in my family. I was also the first kid who dropped out with a half baked plan to move to include halfway through second year. I know that disappointed my family.

I started hurting myself and acting out for attention and the guys I trained with were disappointed.

I know several teachers Who are definitely disappointed.

And for the longest time I thought that was all I did. I just disappoint people. It the only thing I’m really any good at.

But Toni is fuggin stubborn.

And in the last six years of getting to know who my true friends are, and in building and even closer relationship with my family I realiazed - I wasn’t a disappointment in that I failed. I was a disappointment because they wanted a cookie cutter girl and I was paint slinging power hose.

As soon as I started making friends who I would apologize to for who I am, and they started to moan at me and tell me to stop it, that they loved who I was. All of me. Parody songs about South Africa, interest in loads of subjects, randomly doing the call of my people. Dressing like a cheap emo kid cause it’s comfy.

They love all that. But Noom says you have to dive into the real why.

My friends like my because I’m entertaining
And then
My friends are happy being around me
And then
We get closer of good food and jokes
And then
I know my friends at their happy so I quickly tell when som**hing’s wrong
And then
I comfort them and make them feel like it will be okay
And then
I’ll get them out the jam or just sit with them until they’re ready.
And then
When I’m done they make me laugh
And then
They worry over my health mental and physical
And then
They accept my social anxiety and we find other means to talk
And then
They know I need reassurance and give it freely without getting angry

What does all this mean?????

Well. it means I’m a good person, who cares about the people in her life. They bring me joy and they love me so I will always be there for them.

It also means people think am worthy of them. That I am someone worthwhile having in their lives even if they see me once a year.

I know I’m rambling but I think what I learned today was that I can’t be that disappointing if I do all those things, and I’m not disappointing my friends if they do what they do.

My only conclusion is that despite being made the villain in so many peoples stories, I am actually a good friend. I care. I help. I’m always there the minute you call.

So I am letting go of my past “disappointments” and I’m going to vibe with all the right people.

I’m going to have faith in me, trust myself, and give all the love I can give

# # #

Thanks to everyone who suggested some exercises and an extra special thanks to Liesl Maritz for the links you sent today