Heart Notes

For someone who may need to be reminded of this today.

I looked up the word ‘yellow’ the other day.

I found so many shades of yellow that they had been distinguished by words like
gold
honey
daffodil.

I found words like fire and sand and champagne and lemon and sunbeam and I even found a song.

Now imagine someone telling yellow that it’s ‘just yellow’.

When yellow is a sunbeam and a daffodil and fire.
When yellow is a song.

Without yellow, we couldn’t make orange and we couldn’t create green and our world would be far less colourful because of it.

Yellow’s true colours are not limited to one thing.
And neither are yours.

Some days you are dark and fiery and intense.

Some days you are rich and bright and vibrant.

Some days you are buttercups and dandelions and some days you are champagne and a song.

And without you, someone’s life would be far less bright and far less beautiful.

You are you as
yellow is yellow.

And the world needs you.

Because, no matter what you think, you are not ‘just you’.

You are so much more.

💛💛💛

Becky Hemsley 2023
Artwork created on Canva

'True Colours' is from 'Letters from Life'

It’s been about a year and a half since I split from my husband and it doesn’t get easier, not because I miss him, I don’t. I don’t miss anything about him. The energy of the whole house would change from calm and peaceful to uptight and angry the instant he got home. The love was long lost, the nights lonelier with him there. No conversation, no understanding, no connection, no respect. I was unseen, unheard, and unloved by him for years…maybe always. It was toxic and I’m glad I now have the freedom and space to freely be me; however, the price of this is something I cannot bare.

I miss having my boys with me always. It physically hurts saying goodbye to them. When I was young I dreamt about what it would be like to be a mum and what kind of mum I would be. I envisioned being an always there mum, not this. I dreamt of always being able to protect my boys; at least while they were young, not this. I was so sure that I would make the right choice about who I chose to marry, I didn’t.
I sat in the back yard this afternoon crying, alone. Wishing more than anything this was not my life, my future and even more so this was not my boys’ childhood. I swore I’d only marry once, I swore my kids would never have to go between two households. I feel like I have failed in so many of my important life choices.
I now have no control. I can see my boys changing and needing me less and less. I can see that they are hurt and instead of being able to protect them, I have no power and have to find a way to somehow keep going and breathe through the lump in my throat, I have to somehow accept that I have and will continue to lose so much time with my boys. Time I can never get back, that I never deserved to lose. I have to find a way to be ok-without them.
I am usually strong and positive but at the moment I feel utterly broken and lost. I know I will be ok. This afternoon I sat in the sun after talking to my boys on the phone, after hanging up the tears flowed and my dogs sensed my sadness and came and gave me cuddles; how amazing are dogs. So perceptive, more so than most men I know LOL. I know there are still so many things in my world to be grateful for, but today this is how my heart is feeling. I am honouring it and sharing it in hopes that someone else feels less alone in this messy, beautiful thing we call life.

Who else has been here and what did you do to try and accept your new existence as a single mum?

Let’s flip it!
In an effort to change my mood….the weekend that my boys spend with their dad allows them to have a relationship with him. Something they deserve- to know that both their mum and their dad love them. The couple of nights they are away allows me some down time, after work and cooking and cleaning and shopping etc; some time to recharge is good for my health. The boys get to experience some new activities with their dad that I would never do.

The boys are being shown an example of how to be in their adult lives…..That to not settle in a relationship that they are not honoured, respected and truly happy in. I stayed for so long thinking it was better for the boys if we did. How wrong I was. The energy of my home is now so calm, peaceful and usually happy-except for the times that my boys are winging to me about doing chores or fighting with each other about who gets to go first on the Nintendo LOL.

I am learning to let go of my need for total control, my boys are learning the depth of their independence and resilience at a young age; which should help them in building and maintaining their confidence in the long run; particularly as they have two parents that care and are there learning how to co parent and pave a new kind of relationship where we must act in purely in the boys bests interests and let go of our s**t to maintain an amical relationship for the sake of our boys. The two amazing beings that resulted from our relationship. While our love was lost it created the best things in my life. My reason, my whole world are these two humans and I am so blessed that I get to be their mum.

Tonight I will enjoy my own company, which I am actually quite good at, have a bath while listening to music- in peace, watch movies on the couch, enjoy an uninterrupted sleep and wake up to a brand new day tomorrow. I will trust the universe that there is goodness and happiness coming my way and that the universe will keep my babies safe until they are back in my arms.

This page will now be just a space for me to write about my days, my thoughts, about my health journey, my experience with being a mum, trying to find my way again when so many things I thought would never happen in my life have happened. When the hardest things in your life happen, the moments you know your head and heart will relive over and over to try and fathom and accept; what do you do?
I feel like in my 37 years I have experienced so much. Divorced parents, multiple rubbish relationships, yes that’s right I’m a slow learner. Cancer at 22 (with 2 further recurrences, yes I’m stubborn too), Primary school teacher, mother of two boys, separated-soon to be divorced. I am a chronic over thinker, most days my head goes off on so many tangents, from years ago, old choices, regrets, planning my future, worrying about my boys….and the list goes on…..
I have pondered the idea of writing a book, as I often have thoughts and wonder who else has shared this feeling, this human experience. I have learnt lately that everyone has a story, everyone has challenges in their lives. Life can be a lot of hard moments but sometimes you have a ray of sunshine, a sprinkle of glitter dust, a beaming rainbow, something beauty filled, a moment that makes all the darker days a little more bearable.
Perspective is everything right?!
I hope my page can remind you in your darkness, that you are not alone and be the perspective you need in that moment; sometimes make you smile, and remember that the person sitting in the car next to you at the traffic lights, sitting across the table at work, pushing the trolley to get their groceries, sitting in the hospital waiting room a few seats away -is human, a sibling, a friend, a lover, a soul- searching to be loved and happy and doing the best they can.
Less judgment and more love would help everyone on their journey in this messy, beautiful life!

"I'm kind."
Are you really?

"I'm compassionate."
Are you truly?

"I'm gentle."
Are you actually?

Are you truly all those things with everyone that matters in your life?

Now, I'm sure you'll say yes. So I'll word it ever so slightly differently.

Are you truly all those things with everyone that matters in your life,
including yourself?

Do you speak kindly to yourself?
Do you treat yourself with compassion?
Are you gentle with yourself when life is tough?

Because I know you're all those things to everyone else.
You shower them with kindness,
grant them compassion
and you recognise when they need you to be gentle.

But you need those things too.
From yourself as much as any one else.

Because I know you might have forgotten this...
but they're not the only ones that matter.

You matter too.

******

Becky Hemsley 2023

A little reminder for anyone who has forgotten how much they matter today ❤

They say that when you’re broken
This is how the light gets in
But what if all the cracks
Are letting out the light within?

They say it makes you stronger
But at first it makes you weak
The way you face the mountain base
Before you reach the peak

They say to break is brave
And yet your mind is full of dread
You’re not overwhelmed by courage
But by helplessness instead

But admitting you are breaking
Is far braver than you know
And remember, from the bottom
There is just one way to go

See, I think they mean it isn’t just
That breaking makes you strong
But the way you use the embers
Of your will to carry on

It’s triumph over trauma
And it’s healing after hurt
It’s rising from the ashes
With a new-found sense of worth

So find yourself a candle
And allow its tiny spark
To ignite you back to life
And put the fire back in your heart

And grant yourself compassion
For the times that you feel weak
Just rest until you’re strong enough
To get back on your feet

See, I know that when you’re broken
You have only threads of hope
But tie them to the mountain
Like your personal safety rope

Then gather at the bottom
With the summit high above
Then take a breath and take a step
The only way is up

******

Worth a re-share for anyone that needs it today 💙
The Climb is from my second collection:
https://a.co/d/gzBzdtW

We all have a unique journey to travel ❤️ and as I recently read on Dr. Thema's Instagram, "Don't censor your journey."

That statement, "Don't censor your journey" spoke to me and provided further validation for my voice up until this point of my own journey.

Suffer from heartburn? If not then chances are somebody in your circle does. Heartburn is really uncomfortable and a visit to the doctor will likely mean a prescription for a pill that won't address the cause, just cover the symptoms.

So instead of pills or potions, why not try sauerkraut instead! Sauerkraut is something that is VERY easy to make at home and is great for the good bacteria in the gut.

Check out my blog and find out what causes heartburn and why sauerkraut (and other fermented vegetables) are so good at relieving the discomfort of heartburn. I've even given you a recipe to make your own sauerkraut at home!

https://www.tylertolman.com/sauerkraut-fermented-food-that-restores-gut-flora/

Working on # 3 😁

Great 13k bike ride this morning with Willem. Love watching him ride through nature, feeling trees as he rides, going hands free, going off the track and trying out jumps etc and leading the ride so confidently. Great way to start our Sunday.
Sunshine, Fresh air, Exercise and Quality time with my eldest 🌞son shine🌻🥰 Willem