A.Mac Writings

I keep realizing that, I am always the one who walks away.
In moments where we are finally getting into a routine,
When our lives are almost seemingly one.
There I find myself distracted by the space around me, when I have my whole world in front of me.
Even though you tell me that it's okay and you understand,
I can never understand why you would love me still.
I walk away from you.
Guilt tells me it's only a few blocks away, go and figure yourself then come back when you are right and perfect.
But here I see myself miles away from you, failing to reconnect.
Realizing that I have put my expectations of me on you,
So every time you say come as you are I find myself lacking and unworthy to be in your presence.
Though you are always with me even when I am running away from you, my eyes are blinded to the fact that you would ever want to be with me.
I am the one who is always walking away, but today I am running back to you.
I am taking you at your word and I am coming as I am.
Home, to finally feel at home again.
This time I just want to walk towards you forever.

If we could dance one more time, how would that look now?
Would we have the same poise and would people feel peaceful from just watching us?
Or would our hearts show our cards,
Would we be a bit heavier, a bit more broken than we were
Would we be more prone to crumbling at the touch.
Will that be what everyone else will see as we dance?
A lot of trying to hold it together
A lot of forgiving each other
A lot of intimacy strained by a goodbye.
If we could dance one more time, how would that look now?
I can only hope I don't slip on our tears, that we don't hold on too tight.
That we sway, we sway.

I am still learning that you didn't love me, it's always the kick in the stomach I didn't know I needed.

Hi love,
I know we have been going through this conversation over and over again
And it hasn’t been easy, I know its not a matter of you knowing how much I love you
Or how much I care for you
I think it’s a matter of reminding yourself how much their not loving you does not mean anything less of you
I can’t explain it right now and I can’t find all the right words
I can’t tell you not to cry, I can’t tell you not to scream at the top of your lungs
I can’t force you to be happy, because I don’t think its your choice to be this sad
So I hope you will understand one day, I hope you will get your closure
I hope you will remember who you are
I can’t wait for you to remember who you are.

Softening wars
I have been trying to harness the strength of my childhood, but even the child in me is exhausted from forgetting pain that I never allowed her to feel.
The pain that still burrows through my arteries moving slowly whispering anonymous. The pain I still find wet on my cheeks on days I can't explain why my eyes broke down and brought their waters out. I have always believed the saltiness of my tears has always been the bitterness that gripped my heart but I never allowed to show.
I couldn't harness her strength so I was stuck loving you with so much hate bludgeoning my sight . Unable to cry, unable to feel pain, still trying to understand you though the sight of you brings hulk out from his room.
Unforgiveness is starting to feel like a knife I put in my heart each day repeatedly. I am not winning in this war of silence that feeds on the hope that you know you have done wrong and honestly hopefully miserable, repenting. Repenting yes repenting.
And I'm softening wars not only mine but yours. I guess forgiveness was more of a super power after all.

Being with you is heavy, it's as if you have formed a tag team with the world. Taking turns to dump yourselves on top of me. And when I can't breathe you take turns choking me. Not a word out of me. I think someone told you that's how I like it.

Loving you is empty. There's is never a part of me left. I have become a constant eraser of self. A book filled with blank pages and what I can't seem to erase you make sure take.

Being loved by you is fleeting. It's like going to a theme park and only going on one ride the best ride, and for the rest of your day all you do is walk until your feet hurt. But the thought of that one ride lifts your soul every now and then.

Loving me is non existent. In order to love you I don't do that anymore. Even shadows of what once was don't exist. I only remain a dumping ground for what you choose to give.

I choose everyday to love you without fail. So I choose everyday to lose me without fail. Maybe it's the way being you is heavy, maybe it makes my emptiness feel full. And loving me? Maybe I'm just too selfless.
We all become something in life and I have become solely yours.

The end a.Mac

This is your weekly reminder that you can handle whatever this week gives you and that rest is coming again 🌼

There's that moment when you have only 2 avenues available,
Your knees buckle up at the thought that it's not your decision.
Or is it?
You carry more than most, with faith full on your side.
But your heart palpitates, you feel it coming up your throat slowly with the impatience of a new born.

You can't breathe though your airway is clear,
For a second you plead blindness, the tears must be pitch black.
Your nails have found home in your mouth and your teeth have not taken time to welcome them.
Your gut falters nothing comes in and definitely nothing is going out.
You have pulled your weight towards one Road but uncertainty leaves you in the middle.
With your legs making the xylophone envious you barely move.

You know it's one more move that will see you a victor or just another one clutching failure.
You fail if you don't go, you might fail if you do but there's one heavenly chance of success if you go and you give it your all.
There's that moment when there are only two avenues available, one of them might be your choice if you make the move.
You spend your day putting all your trust in your knees.
You finally make your move with a halo over you, you go in shinning.

Choosing your road, you choose the way you walk, and the decision is finally in your hands.
Your heart still beats and the ground may still feel like it wants to swallow you live.
But you come out on the other side successful, stronger and a lot more trusting than when you stood between those two avenues.

Grab your favorite comfy clothes, a soft blanket to snuggle under, your warm beverage of choice, and curl up with We Are Not Them. Available on Amazon Kindle.

Buy it now: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088N673DY 💚

See a FREE sample of We are not Them: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088N673DY

If you like this poem, then you're really going to love my book We Are Not Them; a compilation of letters to the selves that we have been, a moment to find the words we never said but have always felt. It is a chance to feel and leave it all behind, it is a journey to healing ❤️

Click the link below to read it now!
We are not Them: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088N673DY

You can read more poems in the book We are not them. Link available in bio.
.mac

If you have not bought your copy of We are not them it's still available on Amazon Kindle. Link is in the bio.

.mac


It's almost August get yourself a good read.

(3) This time - 2020

(2) This time - 2020

(1) This time - 2020

Link in bio.
We are not them.

You have been heavy on my heart lately, but I guess we all have to live a certain certain way, life is not always perfect.

Get your read of We are not them on Amazon Kindle. The link is in the bio.

Get your read on.

Black lives do matter

Today I was reading the book We are not them, and I got the reminder I needed. Check out the full poem when you buy your copy.
http://bit.ly/WeAreNotThem


.mac

Get your copy of my book We are not them on Amazon Kindle. Link in bio.


.mac

For your sake - 2020

Daddy got the first copy 😍

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088N673DY

Paperback is not yet available in Africa because of Corona.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088RH4VK1

It's finally Dday

It's Finally Here!!

We Are Not Them: A Compilation of Poetry and Prose by Anesu Machekanyanga.

Start reading it for free:
https://a.co/4XZetyS

Fears - 2020

19/05/2020

The Lord answers prayers. .mac

Mirror - 2020

Crossing my fingers so hard

.mac