The Parenting Pair

Uncertainty is hard for everyone. As children age, their decisions get bigger and teens may feel the weight of that as they approach choices and problems to solve.

Teens (and their parents!) can feel so much pressure to make the “right” choice or decision which can lead to procrastination or avoidance.

Let’s start by openly acknowledging that none of us have a crystal ball and can predict the future. We are also not in control of all the variables that will lead to an outcome. If we start there we can help our teens focus on their thoughts and ideas in order to make the best decision in the moment with the information that they have. That support will also help increase their sense of self and belief that they can handle it if things don’t go as planned.

We are all a work in progress. Regardless of whether our child or teens growth is a part of expected development or they are struggling with anxiety, depression, OCD, or ADHD; all of our kids want to know that they are ok exactly as they are.

You may be problem-solving with school, seeing doctors or therapists or focused in your home on how to manage the struggles of your child or teen. But don’t forget in all the problem-solving and work to remind them that they are a whole and complete person. Yes, with struggles and challenges; but whole, complete, and wonderful just as they are.

Kids and teens with face hardship, and so do their parents. We were thrilled to share some specific and actionable steps for parents, teachers/school professionals and extended family members or other parents to take.

Check out (and share!) our new blog on

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/forget-perfect-parenting/202310/the-hidden-challenges-of-parenting-a-child-with-adhd

It is never easy to share uncomfortable or difficult information. Think of a time that you had to share something hard and how that other person reacted to you. Did you walk away from that moment feeling supported and still cared for or loved? Or did you feel ashamed, defensive or alone?

It’s not easy to be the parent of a teen. The stakes feel high and the news that they share can sometimes be scary, upsetting or frustrating. You can still feel your own feelings, give feedback about their behavior or decisions, and set limits if needed. Just try to start from a place of love. It will keep them more engaged and less defensive and they will remember that in a tough moment you showed up for them with love and respect.

It is painful to watch our child or teen struggle with anxious thoughts or avoid parts of their lives due to anxiety. Sometimes we can rush in to “help” by minimizing their fears or discounting the anxiety. This can leave our kids feeling misunderstood or even mistrusting of their own emotions.

Keep in mind that validation is not the same as agreement. When anxiety shows up, you can acknowledge it to your child or teen, empathize with their feelings, and even tell them that it makes sense. Who wouldn’t be afraid of speaking up in class, walking into a party alone, or trying out for a new team.

We can then support our child (and not the anxiety!) by encouraging them to engage in non-anxious behaviors like approaching the situation and facing their fears. Some kids and teens will need more support or to take smaller steps and that’s ok. Everyone goes at their own pace.

It can be hard to ignore all the expectations about who our kids “should” be. And guess what? Our kids are often aware of those expectations too.

We all want to be seen and accepted for who we are. Let’s give that gift of acceptance to our children and other people’s children.

Many thanks to for allowing me to share my thoughts with them in the October/November issue.

Do you feel rushed and constantly pressured for time? We know that we do! While we may want to acknowledge our child’s thoughts and feelings it can be hard to stay present (and still) long enough for them to actually express it. Sometimes the really important things to discuss are not always front of mind or at the tip of their tongue.

When you can, capitalize on moments alone in the car or even ask if you can work on the floor of their room while they complete homework. This keeps you in their physical space, ready and available if they want to talk.

It can feel scary or overwhelming when our children and teens express curiosity about unhealthy habits or potentially dangerous behaviors. That fear can lead us to react quickly and respond in ways that shut our kids down. Even worse, it may lead them to limit their sharing with us in the future to avoid our reactions or potential judgments.

This isn’t easy, but try taking a breathe and giving yourself a moment when you notice this urge to react. Then try one of these questions. It will keep your teen talking and will give you more of an opportunity to share information and facts with them.

When our child or teen is hurting we want to do something to help. Listening doesn’t always feel like we are doing something but in fact that may be exactly what our child or teen needs.

Keep in mind that listening is one of the most powerful things that we can do for our child. It makes them feel valued and it communicates that what they say is important. It also allows them the opportunity to put words to their thoughts and feelings and to regulate with your presence and support.

Dr. Suzanne and I are thrilled to recommend ‘s book just out! Teen and tween parents get clear, focused, and truly helpful guidance on how to think about and effectively respond to the inevitable challenges & failures our kids will face along the journey to independence. A gift to parents who worry about their kids’ & teens’ bumps along the way. Michelle Icard offers a sound, balanced and truly respectful approach to turning failures into important opportunities for growth. Reassuring and spot on for what our kids need from us, and the balanced perspective we need for ourselves.

Thanks to for the early copy / free book.

How many times have you had an anxious thought in your life, and a colleague, friend or a romantic partner told you “don’t worry.” It doesn’t feel so good, does it? We might think that the person doesn’t understand us or our experience. We might feel that that the person is minimizing our feelings, or isn’t someone we can trust with our personal experiences..

If we feel this way, you can bet our teens feel this way too! So often, our attempts to make our teens and tweens feel better, can actually make them feel worse. When we tell our kids, “don’t worry,” we think we are helping by letting them know that they don’t need to be scared. However, our kids may feel that we don’t understand them or can’t relate to them. Or they may just think that we don’t care, and are trying to end the conversation.

A better approach is to validate your child or teen’s experience, and let them know that sometimes it even makes sense to predict that anxiety may come in new situations. When we expect these feelings, we can have the confidence to overcome them. And when our kids can expect that we will validate their feelings, and not discount them, they are more likely to come to us with things in the future!

Remember, adolescence is a time of heightened emotions, increased exploration, risk taking and excitement. Anxiety may come along for the ride, but it doesn’t have to limit our teens (or us)!

When you’re in one of those really hard moments as a parent, remember perfection is an illusion. ✨ During our combined 40+ years working with children and parents, we have learned that each family is unique and there are no quick fixes that work for all kids. Working to be patient and present is a good start. Concern yourself less about the grade, the outcome, the college admission – and be more concerned about the relationship you build with your child or teen along the way. And like most relationships, relationships with our teens and tweens are messy sometimes.

Let's let go of being perfect, and get real on here. Give us a 💜 below if you’re in!

Coping with situations that make us worried or afraid is extremely difficult, even for us adults. When a child or teen is avoiding people, places or situations and it is impacting their functioning, exposure therapy may be an excellent treatment option. A CBT trained child or adolescent therapist can help a child or teen identify their fears and work together to create opportunities for exposure to these fears. In addition, a trained therapist can help a child or teen build skills to more effectively manage their anxiety and support parents in being good coaches to their children as they face these fears.

Contrary to popular belief, exposure therapy is not intended to erase all fears or teach a child or teen that everything will work out well. Sometimes we attend a party and no one speaks to us, or we forget our lines on stage, or we miss the winning shot. The goal of CBT therapy and exposure is to:

-help young people more accurately assess risk (since anxiety can blow it out of proportion)

-help young people better tolerate uncertainty and still attend the party, get up on stage, or step onto the field if that is what they desire.

-help anxiety be a part of someone’s emotional experience in a helpful way (alerting us to danger) vs. an unhelpful way (holding us back from desired experiences).

When our teen or tween is feeling anxious, we want to be there for them in a way that makes them feel comfortable and supported. Here are 7 ways to respond in this type of situation- SWIPE to learn more!

⭐ Educate
⭐ Communicate
⭐ Listen
⭐ Validate
⭐ Inquire
⭐ Problem Solve
⭐ DON’T tell them “not to worry”

Parenting Tip 💡 Respect your children, even when they aren’t respecting you back. The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice, and we want that voice to be one they feel comfortable talking to about anything. LIKE this post if you’ll try this approach next time you have a tough conversation with your child.

Parents of teens here! 🙋‍♀️ Can anyone else relate? Here’s a tip for success: build trust. Of course we want to be there for our kids, and be that support system to lean on and share thoughts with- the good, the bad and the ugly. We want them to be comfortable opening up to us, without the fear of them being punished or judged. Open communication is key- because the more they feel you understand them, the more likely they’ll be willing to seek your input and advice, and more likely they will be to come to you when times are difficult.

‘Medical Moms’ is a space on social media where parents share the harsh realities of having children with chronic illnesses. You may have seen videos on TikTok or reels of parents sharing videos of their kids in an effort to raise awareness and rally together other parents going through similar situations.

“It can be a very lonely experience to be the parent of a chronically ill child,” says Dr. Annalise Caron. Often, parents turn to support or advice online, and sharing videos may be a part of that. But Dr. Caron cautions parents to seriously consider each decision to post online videos or information about their child or teen. Before posting online, we encourage you to ask yourself:

⬜ What is the goal of posting this?
⬜ How does my child feel now about this, or how will they feel in the future?

Check out this perspective from the Washington Post and Dr. Annalise Caron here: https://www.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2023/05/11/tiktok-medical-mamas/

We’re excited to announce that our recent podcast interview with Type C Toolbox is LIVE and ready for you to listen on all podcast streaming platforms. Type C Toolbox’s mission is to help women with type c personality traits, which may include:

⭐ Being overly conscientious and responsible
⭐ Carrying others’ burdens
⭐ Not setting sufficient personal boundaries
⭐ Wanting to please others
⭐ Avoiding conflict
⭐ Internalizing toxic emotions
In this podcast, we chat about all things parenting, and how type c behaviors play a role in scenarios we experience with our kids. Click here to listen! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/type-c-toolbox/id1645118881

Social Media Tip! 💡Facebook, Instagram and TikTok show us content in our news feed that they think we’re interested in based on what we like, comment and watch. The content they suggest for us may not always be what we want to see, and may cause distress or create these addictive habits to keep scrolling.

Get rid of anything that brings you down by unfollowing, blocking or muting those accounts, and hold on to the content that empowers you. If it brings you joy, engage with the post so that you can see more relevant content.

Let’s face it: social media is the way a lot of our teens communicate. It may mean more to them than we think it does. Likes and comments on posts, views on videos and being included in group chats are all things that may make them feel valued and accepted or rejected and hurt. Let’s help them foster a healthy relationship with their phones and technology and learn to navigate the online world from a place of self-worth. Who’s in? 🙌

ADHD brings with it a flood of emotions. Our children may be hypersensitive to perceived criticisms, struggle to read emotions, and have difficulty differentiating between small and large problems. Here are some helpful tips created by Dr. Allen to diffuse emotional explosions. Want to learn more about how to prevent these ADHD-driven emotional events?

Read the full article written by Dr. Allen from Attitude Magazine here! http://additudemag.com/adhd-control-emotions-parent/

Repeat it with us ❤️

We’re often asked by parents: How can I help my teen or tween?

Sometimes when our teens and tweens are ready to open up, we get overly excited and offer our opinions. But to help, we need to first listen.

Stay curious, calm, and present. By giving your teen or tween this space, better communication can unfold. How we can help follows after….

Give us a ❤️ if you needed this reminder.

We don't have the right words for every situation. We are pretty certain that there are no magic words, or the “just right” thing to say, that applies to every type of child or situation!

But we do know that if you use some version of this statement, "I am glad that you shared this with me,” you deepen that sense of connection. This conveys respect to your child or teen by acknowledging that it is their information, and they have chosen to share it with you.

Bonus: it also buys you a few extra moments to regulate your own reaction and think about what to say or do next!

Our own Dr. Suzanne Allen was featured in .ly with her piece, “You don’t have to be the perfect parent – be the parent you want them to remember.” Read the full article here: https://www.mother.ly/parenting/be-the-parent-you-want-them-to-remember/

If you’re here in this space with us, we hope you know that your feelings as a parent matter, too.

Sometimes our kids will say things to us or act out in ways that make us feel truly hurt, confused, and upset. Those feelings of ours are very real and okay to have.

What we have to remember is that our response is equally as important. Lashing back with anger, intensity, and threats of punishment will only further the space between our kids and us.

This doesn’t mean that what our teen or tween has said to us is okay. It just means that we are modeling being in control of ourselves and our emotions, which is always the best for our relationship with our kids.

Remember, you can always take some time before responding, if you need some time to manage your feelings and regulate yourself.

Save this post for the next time you need the reminder.

Our teens, our tweens, and even us, parents 🤍

We’re going to make mistakes. We’re going to say the wrong things. We’re going to overreact and get angry.

And that’s okay.

As long as we find a way to keep coming back, to keep being present, and to acknowledge when we mess up, we’re going to keep working on ourselves – as humans AND as parents.

Tap ❤️if you needed this reminder.

A healthy relationship with our teens and tweens starts with respect.

In therapy, teens feel like they can open up and be honest about their thoughts, feelings and struggles because they trust that what they share will be kept private.

Sometimes as parents we can forget that our children have as much of a right to privacy as we do. Inadvertently, we can share information with our own friends for support or as a part of our adult conversation. Without thinking we may text a group of our parent friends about how Johnny wants to date Anna, or that Bobby is gay but hasn’t yet come out to his parents. We may even post on a community forum asking for advice or supports for a teen with a learning disability or the need for an adolescent therapist. While our hearts may be in the right place (seeking support or asking for help) we need to keep in mind that we may be sharing information with the community that our child or teen did not want shared.

Respectful communication is something we as adults should not only model but act on. This starts with our kids and asking for their permission to post a picture, ask for help online, or share information with fellow parents.

Check-in chat: What’s one thing *today* you would like to change?

Here’s one for us: go to bed! Stop the scrolling! We’re our best when we’ve had our REST. Our kids could tell you this about us, too.

Tell us your one thing in the comments 👇 Remember we are all here in this space to support each other.

Reminder 📢

Parenting is a journey. It’s about discovering ourselves, helping our child or teen discover themselves, and growing alongside one another. It should not be about any one “behavior” in the moment, but more about helping your child become their best selves over time.

Expect a bumpy road. There will be hard days, struggles, learning curves, and the unexpected. There will also be happy days, triumphs, accomplishments, and moments that will last with us forever.

We are here to help support you through this journey and help each other as we go 🤍

You’ve probably heard of the word “dopamine” before, but do you know how dopamine affects your tween/teen?

Swipe through our post to learn more about how this “feel-good” hormone plays a big role in your kid’s everyday life 💛

Think of it like this: anger is often the tip of the iceberg, but what's hiding beneath the surface?

A lot of times it's anxiety. When your child or teen appears angry, they're actually reacting to anxious feelings.

What can you do as a parent? Create a space for healthy conversation and understanding for your child’s complex emotions.

How do you do that? The key is to slow down.

When tensions are high (we've all been there— there's no shame in that), give yourself a 5-10 second pause without offering advice, telling them your interpretation of the situation, or providing a consequence.

It is very likely your child will need some time to regulate their emotions, and you may too! This is why pumping the breaks again and again is a great way to manage your own reactivity and give them time to settle down.This may not be easy at first, but with practice, guidance, and resources, you can foster a healthy environment where your child is comfortable enough to share what's hiding beneath the surface.

For more useful parenting tips, sign up for our monthly newsletter at: theparentingpair.com

New year, new reads 📚

As clinical psychologists, we're often asked for book recommendations that help parents dig into better understanding our teens and tweens. A few of our favorites:

📖 How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
📖 Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool
by Hal Runkel
📖 Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel
📖 Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Becky Kennedy
📖 Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School by Michelle Icard

Have you read any of these? We'd love to hear your thoughts!

What a year 💛

Thank you so much for being part of our community here. We look forward to continuing to grow together as likeminded, hardworking, caring, and compassionate parents in 2023 and beyond.

Happy new year!

💛 The Parenting Pair,
Dr. Annalise Caron
Dr. Suzanne Allen

✔️ Reality check: only you know what's best for yourself and your family.

The idea that the holidays are supposed to be “wonderful” is part of what makes them miserable for so many – because we can inadvertently feel that we aren’t “living up” or “doing it right.”

The holidays are stressful enough. You will be happier if you start from a more realistic view of how the holidays may go. Bring your expectations for yourself and your kids in line with reality, and you will be less likely to feel let down.

Let's get real, parents....sometimes just getting through the holidays is the win!

This time can be the most wonderful and the most stressful time of the year. ⭐

If you have a child or teen struggling with depression, prepare yourself that they may seem less interested in holiday events or show little joy on the holiday. It can be incredibly painful and scary to watch our children suffer, especially when everyone is "supposed to be happy."

Keep in mind that depression is an illness and doesn't just go away during the holidays. Try and remember that things may be very different next year. There is hope.

We're here to remind you that you are not alone. For a deeper dive into navigating these times with our teens and tweens, we invite you to please sign up for our email newsletter, guides and more at theparentingpair.com.

Parents: stop looking at what others are doing to upset you. Instead, start looking at how to soothe yourself regardless of what is going on around you. 🤍

You cannot fix nor control everything about your teen, tween, and the world around us. You can only work towards controlling yourself, understanding your child, and adjusting your behavior to support them and who they are—not try to change them to be what others want them to be.

What are some of your favorite ways to calm yourself when you feel out of control? Please share in the comments. 🤍

We're all about keeping things simple. Swipe through for a few easy ways to connect with your teen or tween *right now.*

Which ones work best for your child? Let's hear about it. 👇 What other ways do your teens or tweens like to connect with you?

Feeling overwhelmed?

Let's work on slowing down together. First thing...take a breath. Now exhale.

Having a conversation can be tough with our teens and tweens. When you notice feelings of anxiety or anger building up inside yourself, give yourself a 5-10 second pause without offering advice, telling them how they should feel, or threatening a consequence.

When we work on slowing down our own reactions, we create space for conversation and understanding with our teens and tweens. Seriously, count in your own head and take this pause.

Have you tried this tip before when talking with your kids? How did you feel?