The Brave Ventures of V-Man

Words can’t describe how much I miss you Vin!

It’s the time of year where I find myself in a storm of varying emotions.

One moment I look at your picture and find myself smiling and reflecting on the memories, then today happens….the sadness is overwhelming and I can’t stop crying when I think about you.

Yesterday we celebrated your life, talked about the good times and created you the most beautiful ofrenda!

We thought about your love for Coco and the meaning behind el Dia de los Mu***os.

Yesterday was about you and your favorite things! Your love for guitars and music!

A reflection of the best 23 months of my life, when you were here on earth! A day that I truly celebrated the life you left, to take on one more fitting and free of all the challenges you faced here on earth.

Valk even helped!

She helped me realize just how lucky I am to be your mom and to have experienced your love!

Although I may carry this grief a lifetime, it came with some pretty wild and crazy VMan Ventures and memories that I’m blessed to have forever.

But today, life goes back to what it’s been.

Living with grief and small bits of happiness concurrently!

I’m reminded that a piece of me is still gone and I have to still figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.

822 days seems overwhelming and insane to have survived without seeing you, holding you, asking how your day was or watching you grow.

I just hope today you send me all the signs, because my mama heart could use it, to put myself back together again.

I love you Vin! Forever and always, my baby you’ll be!

🎵Remember me though I have to say goodbye
Remember me, don't let it make you cry
For even if I'm far away, I hold you in my heart
I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart
Remember me though I have to travel far
Remember me each time you hear a sad guitar
Know that I'm with you the only way that I can be
Until you're in my arms again 💚



***os











Joshua Hayes

It’s your special day today!

I still remember the excitement I had realizing that you were on you’re way.

I was overwhelmed with nervousness but excited for the adventure we would begin.

When I first laid eyes on you, I instantly fell in love!

You were my perfectly imperfect 6lb 6oz baby, born at 4:44am.

I loved you more than I ever realized was physically possible.

You were and still are my world.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about all the ventures you’re taking on up there in heaven.

My heart is sad today, because I wish I could see you playing your guitar , laughing with your sister, going to pre-K and taking on ventures here on earth, but I know you are having the best heavenly birthday.

I love you past the moon 🌙 and miss you beyond the stars ✨.

Happy 4th Birthday to my amazing little superhero Vincent Reiss Hayes.

As long as I’m living, my baby you will always be.

Joshua Hayes

Two years ago I left Cincinnati Children’s hospital for the very last time.

You were pronounced gone at 8:08 am, but my mama heart knew it was much sooner than that.

I couldn’t save you. My life long mission, since the day you were born and I fell short.

I left broken hearted and empty handed. No more shimmy shakes, squeals or strums of your guitar. I would never get to hold your hand or feel you reach for me for an embrace ever again.

My life shattered that day and I have never been the same.

I wish I never had to relive this day as the events repeat over and over in my head. I miss the days where life disguised itself as perfect and my family was whole.

I would do anything to have those days going to the hospital and checking in, because that would mean you were still here and death and grief didn’t know me and I didn’t know them.

I’m in pieces all over just trying to figure out how to hold it all together. Today is a day I begrudgingly relive over and over. Everything feels just as raw as the day it all happened.

Why did things have to be this way?! All I have are the photos, plaster moldings, locks of hair and ashes, while others have their kids and get to watch them grow.

I can’t wait until this everyday nightmare ends. I think I will ask God why, over and over again, for the rest of my life. I just wish you were physically here VMan.

My sweet baby boy! You were and are the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

I know you’re at peace, I just wish I was too!

I’ll hold you in my heart 💚 until you’re in my arms again.

I love you forever and always! My son shine you will always be.

- Mom

Joshua Hayes

My first V, my baby boy, my VMan, my Vin,

I miss you so much.

Today you’ve been gone 23 months.
You’ve been gone the same amount of time you were alive.
How is this possible?
I feel it though.
I still feel like I’m in this indescribable place.

I miss you entirely too much.
I realize that life goes on, but it will never be the same again. My world feels like it ended 23 months ago, but the sun keeps rising for me to “begin again”.

One day this pain will become the source of my strength. One day I will learn to be brave like you were and are. One day I will accept that for me it wasn’t supposed to be this way, but it is this way because there is a different plan. A plan that I have yet to understand and I question so much, each day that passes since I’ve seen you last.

Just know that I love you, I miss you and I will carry you with me, until I see you again.

You will always be my best tour guide, with spoon in hand!

- Mom

Joshua Hayes

Happy Father’s Day to VMan’s very own dada Josh.

You are the best Dad of V’s to our two little ones.

Vin, Val and I are sooo lucky to have you.

Thank you for all the happiness and love you bring into our lives!

Your dad jokes are terrible but you’re amazing at being our #1 guy. You deserve more than one day to celebrate you being our person.

Wishing all those who celebrate today a Happy Father’s Day!

Joshua Hayes

The hardest goodbye is the one never planned.

Another month I’m in pieces without you.

Still in shock that you’re not here.

I do my best to find a way to be at peace, but today I just want to scream, be angry again because it’s just not fair.

But maybe today, this is the best I can do and this is what I need to feel.

Raw emotions. Grief. Pain. Sadness.

I love you my sweet boy. Forever and ever. I miss you. That is all Vin.

It’s hard every Mother’s Day without you here VMan.

You were the first one who made me a mama.
The first one who stole my heart.
Your birth was my greatest blessing!

You taught me that you don’t have to have everything figured out to be a mama! That instruction manuals for babies are overrated. That the greatest memories happen on the fly and when things don’t go as planned either.

When I think about my introduction to motherhood, I can’t help but smile at the time we had and feel at a loss for the memories I won’t get to make until I see you again.

My forever sonshine!
I love you so much.

To my newest little rainbow after the storm thanks for teaching me that it’s okay to love again.

Happy Mother’s Day to the many types of moms out there who show up for the people they love day in and day out.

To those that today comes with grief and pain from loss, I hope today gifts you with the feeling of being held, noticed and supported. You are entitled to feel all the emotions of today, but wishing you the most peace even if only for a moment.

Joshua Hayes

To all those that carry their babies in their heart but didn’t get to have them stay, I’m sending you love and strength today.

A pain that is part of us forever.

A loss that can’t be captured by any amount of words.

A bond that can never be broken, even with them in heaven.

A promise to carry them always, though others may forget.

A piece of us that will always be them.

A hole that will never be filled or go away.

I miss you VMan to my core.
I miss you with every once of my being.
I just wish things were different.

I try to push through but it’s just tough, unrelenting feelings of grief and emotions.

It’s the farthest thing from fair.

Sending all my love to the beautiful and inspiring bereaved mothers across the world, I’m with you living in both the joy and the pain.

May our angels fly high and know that they’re loved.

💔

Joshua Hayes

The Force is STRONG with this one!

Even up in heaven, we know you are watching us close by.

We miss you everyday VMan.

💚










Joshua Hayes

Certain months I find harder than others and April is definitely one!

April is national donate life month.

A month that I reflect on the gracious sacrifice of a mother, father and family, who chose a miracle for VMan.

A miracle that gave us more time with him.

And in that time…

We loved him
We watched him grow
We played with him
We laughed with him

We made the memories that are all we have left now.

Memories that would not have been possible without organ donation.

Today on Remembrance Day…

We remember the greatest hero we never knew, that’s organs, allowed Vincent to finish his Brave Ventures of VMan story.

I never forget, not even for one moment, how truly amazing you both are and how you’ve both changed my life and perspective, forever.

There truly is life after death.

For some it’s up above with our Heavenly Father and others it’s still on earth through the gift of life.

I hope you’ve both found eternal peace and know you are remembered.

Wherever I am, Vin, you are my forever sonshine through the clouds.

No matter how dark my days may seem, I know I will see you again.

Donate life 💚 Become an organ donor!

Thank you forever and always to VMan’s donor family.

Joshua Hayes

Your sister just hit 2 months Vin and has already stolen the show.

My hands and my heart are so full.

Yet, I’m still hurting at the same time.

This just doesn’t seem possible. She grows, while you stay 23 months in my eyes forever.

Simultaneous emotions of a mind and body that will forever be stuck between two lives.

Vin, I miss you so much and the life we had.

The memories claw at my heart relentlessly, bringing me back to the days where I could scoop you up and wrap you in my arms.

I want to live here everyday, because in those memories you’re still here and I can avoid the reality of life without you.

But my life is split now between the past that has you and the present that doesn’t.

And in the present I think about what once was, what should have been and what is now.

I just want you to know Vin, you’re already teaching me how to be a better mama for you and your sister.

You had your ways of doing that when you were here and still have managed to keep me in line watching over me.

I’ve started to take deeper breaths and notice.

I pause, slow down and linger in the moments.

I pour out so much gratitude for the little things, remembering that things in life can be here today and gone tomorrow.

I’m finding ways to keep growing and sharing the love you left behind.

I’m still trying to learn the rules of this life.

Amidst the broken pieces, I know you are trying to help me learn to be okay.

I’ll continue to look for the signs Vin!

I love you forever and always,

Mommy

P.S. I still love these photos of you. It showed every bit of your playfulness and carefree spirit! Your dad and I laughed at how I tried so hard to get you to not eat the paint on your fingers. Then frantically reading the package to make sure it was non-toxic. Haha.

Joshua Hayes

🎶 And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away.

And it feels
Yeah, it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away 🎶

19 months seems unreal since I’ve last held you my sweet child!

19 months of tears falling.
19 months of realizing it’s not going to change.
19 months of me realizing I can’t bring back what’s been taken from me.
19 months of longing for the day I see you again.
19 months…

I still care.
I still miss you.
I still love you.
I still need you.

I think about you often! I’ve beamed with light as I’ve felt your presence nearby and have even felt closer to you as your sister held your ashes!

I will never stop looking for you, so please keep showing me the signs 💚

Rare.

A word that I will never forget when it comes to you.

A word that had me embrace so much uncertainty, with you as my guide.

A word that cost me you and reminded me that everyday is a treasure that should never be taken for granted.

Today is Rare Disease Day.

Because of you, VMan, I got to experience the most beautiful chapters of my life.

You were truly a one of a kind.

I’m sorry the world wasn’t ready for your RARE!

I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.

💚

I love someone rare!

THERE IS NO CURE. THERE IS NO TREATMENT.

But one day I hope there is! I hope another family doesn’t have to say goodbye to their child because they were RARE.

Rare is MANY.
Rare is STRONG.
Rare was VMAN STRONG.
Rare NEEDS Awareness.
Rare NEEDS A Cure.

💚💜💙💛

I love you forever and always Vincent “VMan” 💔

Dear my sweet Vin,

I haven’t posted in a while but you’re always heavy on my mind.

I’ve learned on this healing journey that grief is a life companion and everything is hard before it becomes easy.

I never knew such an invisible weight could be so hard to carry! Still hard and complex going on year two.

I have gone through phases of light, dark and everything in between, but it hasn’t changed the outcome, the gaping hole or the longing to watch you grow.

Becoming your mama was the greatest day of my life. The joy and butterflies in my tummy as I locked eyes with yours for the first time. The pain in my heart that shattered as I held you and you took your last breath.

In my heart after losing you I felt like I would never be the same! I would never get those butterflies, I would never have something so beautiful and perfectly imperfect.

Then you sent me your sister.

A reminder that rain will come and go, the sun will shine again and rainbows do exist after the storm.

You did great Vin! She’s beautiful just like you are! But I have no doubt you know and had a hand in exactly who was sent to take your place here on earth.

Today I remember behind every strong woman is a story and mine is still being written, with the newest Hayes passenger on board.

Valkyrie Michelle is here!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

But most of all I want to wish the merriest of Christmas to my sweet baby boy in heaven 🎄❤️💚

My sweet Vin, life hasn’t been the same since you left earth and I miss you more and more each day.

I know the holidays don’t always bring joy to those missing someone special, but I want anyone who
is going through grief and hard times right now to know that I am here, standing right beside you offering up a listening ear and hug.

Joshua Hayes

Today we put up Vincent’s tree!

It’s been our tradition since he spent his first Christmas in the hospital.

We tried our best to make the best of every moment.
Nothing could ruin it, because we had him.

His first tree was gifted from our friends and we set it up in his NICU room! We were devastated at first that the bulbs we got from target didn’t have hooks, but our nurses quick thinking found paper clips.

We haven’t taken them off or changed anything about his tree!

It’s bittersweet not having him here, but I hold onto the fact that Christmas is better in heaven!

I try to remind myself each day you’re not missing. You’re waiting on me at heavens gates. I will save you a chair and unwrap the beautiful memories you’ve left me with, this Christmas and the ones to follow.

Forever and always! Bittersweet.

💚

Mama misses and loves you VMan.

Joshua Hayes

Happy Birthday to VMan’s very own Dada!

Help me wish Josh a Happy Birthday and help him celebrate the last year in his 30s by doing a few things:

Tune into his charity stream today from 2pm to 6pm EST and wish him a happy birthday through chat - Free!

If you are able and would like to - donate to his birthday cause: Children’s Cancer Research Fund - any amount support the kids 😊

Follow his twitch page and give him moral support as he tries to build himself up as a streamer - Free!

Josh has chosen the charity in honor of VMan and the fight that many kids like him face. There is a lot of work that still needs to be done to save so many children’s lives that pass too soon.

Vincent didn’t have cancer, but a lot of his auto immune issues and transplant related illnesses were only treatable due to cancer research and the benefits of the medications that have been created.

Our reality is a life without VMan, but we will always be grateful for the time we had! Josh is hoping to make a difference by raising funds for many of VMan’s friends, that are still fighting this fight today because of being diagnosed with cancer or getting it as a secondary illness post transplant.

There will be milestone goals and fun 🤩 today.
So support this guy and help make his birthday the best one yet!

https://www.twitch.tv/hammertime83

Joshua Hayes

Even though I’m not with you VMan, we will never be apart.

You left this world 1year and 3months ago and I’m still trying to figure things out.

I’m broken just as much as the day you left.

I wonder what kind of venture your on up there, how much you’ve grown, what your into, do you still like CoCo and carrots? It just doesn’t seem real.

But today and everyday I think of you my sweet V.

I tell your sister all about you. She kicks to the stories I tell her each day. I have a feeling she already knows you so well.

I love you forever and always.












Joshua Hayes

Today I light a candle in honor of you Vincent and all the other children lost way before their time.

I light a candle along side many other mama’s with broken hearts and empty arms, sharing in grief and remembrance of our angels.

Vincent I miss you so so much.

There is never a breath I take where I don’t think about you.

I got to hold you but only for a short time.

Appreciate the small things, the butterflies and sun in the sky, the family you might take for granted, the kids or the husband that might be driving you wild.

I pray you never have to know a world turned upside down to remember to never take for granted the things that are truly important in life.

Vincent you have taught me so much and I remember you every day!

In honor of “VMan” Vincent Reiss Hayes - 09/02/19 to 08/02/21

Joshua Hayes

It’s so hard not to miss you VMan, especially on days like today.

I remember 9/28/19 like it was yesterday, but I know it’s because 23 months with you will never be enough.

Today we left everything behind in North Carolina. I had one thing on my mind…saving you!

I wanted you to be here so bad.
I still do.
I wanted to give you every chance to fight.
I had no clue the fight you had ahead.

Today I sit in North Carolina with empty arms.
Arms that should be holding you.

As the tears fall today and everyday, just know I miss you so so so much V.

Forever in my heart and on my mind.

💚

Mommy

Joshua Hayes

Happy 3rd Birthday VMan!

Today will always be a special day. It’s the day you changed my world from the moment you made your arrival at 4:44am.

We miss you more and more everyday baby boy!

What would you be doing?!
What would you like and be interested in?!
What would you be saying?!

Some days it gets hard imagining! Especially when I know that that will never be my reality, in this lifetime.

I can’t wait for the day when you’re not so far in heaven, while I’m still here!

They say when you whisper I love you to a butterfly they fly to heaven and deliver your message.

We released butterflies today and hope you got their message V!

We love and miss you so.

I hope you are dancing on the clouds and eating endless cake! I hope you are playing your guitar with your favorite Coco songs on repeat! I hope you looked down on us from heaven and felt us celebrating you on your special day!

*Screaming to heavens gates*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VINCENT REISS HAYES

Joshua Hayes

The last year has been a roller coaster! Filled with good days (we survived another one) and bad days (we can’t function and just miss our baby).

August stole so much from us! VMan has been gone a whole year and it still feels as unreal as the day we lost him!

Despite Vincent being in heaven, he has made some huge imprints on our heart to let us know that he’s still very much so present, watching over his mommy and daddy!

No one prepares you for losing a child or the waves of emotions that occur! It’s been one of the biggest stressors to date on Josh and my marriage, but we have our Vincent super glue!

He’s been there reminding us that he was VMan strong because of both of us and we can be too.

We’ve tackled moving again and finally having to process, unpack his things and make this place a home. It’s not how we had ever pictured it, without Vincent physically here!

But in true Vincent fashion, he sent us something from heaven to help get through the crazy months filled with emotion!

He decided to tackle another item on his A-Z Venture list! The letter B.

A - Aquarium
🆕 B - Big Brother
G - Goat yoga
J - Jamaica trip
P - Picking strawberries
S - Sloth encounter
T - Train ride

We are still trying to navigate all the feelings and signs that have been coming from V as we tackle this healing and grief journey, with a NEW twist.

We have no doubt that this little one is protected and has the best guardian angel in heaven!

Baby V Hayes 2.0 coming early February 2023.

Joshua Hayes

💚

Days like today fill my heart with so many emotions!

It’s been a lot to take July in…

July was the month that Vincent’s health started to decline.

July is bereaved parents awareness month!

July 30th is Gastroschisis Awareness Day.

💚

To our angel in heaven,

I think about how much you changed our life! How you didn’t get a chance to live because of your birth defect. We think about how much more research needs to be done for babies like you to survive!

I hope that your story will continue to bring awareness for both severe Gastroschisis cases and multivisceral transplants as well.

To our friends who walk around raising kids with the scars of Gastroschisis, I admire you and your warriors resilience and strength.

To the moms who’s warriors traded in their capes for angel wings, I’m with you in honoring our angels 👼.

Happy National Gastroschisis Awareness day!

I will never forget what this birth defect stole from me and many other mamas, who’s children walk beside them in a different way! But I am happy to have a day to honor those who we’ve lost and those who are still living!

I wear green for VMan!

This birth defect needs awareness and support 💚

This is the face of a Gastroschisis Warrior who gained his wings!

Joshua Hayes