Emily L. Depasse

My friend, Ella Dawson, has a book! Her first book, "But How Are You, Really" is available for pre-order!

You can preorder your copy here:

But How Are You, Really by Ella Dawson: 9780593473771 | PenguinRandomHouse.com: Books A burned-out bis*xual confronts old demons, her estranged chosen family, and the ex she maybe shouldn’t have walked away from when she attends her five-year college reunion. Charlotte Thorne does...

Happy to share my latest piece for Allure, "How to Talk to Your Partner About Getting Tested."

How to Talk to Your Partner About Getting Tested Tips for getting through a potentially awkward — but definitely important — conversation.

“It’s just a cold sore” or “It’s the better kind of herpes.” Comparing the placement of someone's infection (in this case, oral or ge***al), or even using cold sores" in place of "herpes" or "HSV-1" is an attempt to soften the diagnosis and remove oneself from what it means to have herpes (aka stigma).

“Don’t worry, it goes away.” Similar to telling someone to “calm down," "don't worry" isn't helpful. Additionally, it implies that there is something to worry about if someone is diagnosed with a lifelong infection (which is stigmatizing).

“It could be worse.” While many people find power in fate, optimism, and "everything happens for a reason," for others it instills added doubt in their journey and circumstances. Generally, I find it difficult to compare infections (virus, diseases, etc.) to one another, especially without knowing the story of those whose bodies they inhabit.

“At least it’s not lifelong” and “It’s not like it’s incurable.” These phrases suggest that there is something inherently wrong with those who have a lifelong STI.

“You’re not the type to have an STI.” There is no “look” of a person who has an STI. Similarly, looking at their ge***als won’t get you the answer you’re looking for, either. This statement also suggests that there may be further stereotypes held about people who engage in s*x with multiple partners or those who have more frequent s*x.

The language we use matters, and it's often so entrenched in our culture that we're unaware of their meaning and power. Even little quantifiers discussed here (just, at least, don’t worry) can make the difference in someone considering you as a brave and/or safe space.

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Using internal and external condoms does not excuse non-disclosure of STIs.

Barrier methods, like condoms, do not cover the entire ge***al region.

Thus, STIs passed via skin-to-skin contact (like HPV, herpes, and syphilis) can still be passed even if using condoms.

This is why talking (or texting!) about your testing history with your partners matters, despite condom usage.

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We are educated and socially conditioned to see STIs, and those with STIs, as dangerous others.

STIs aren’t dating death sentences, you were taught that they were.

S*x with multiple partners is possible for people with herpes, you just didn’t receive that narrative.

You can’t tell that someone has an STI just by looking at them, but your s*x ed trained you to make that assumption.

It’s not your fault for how you were taught or raised, but it is negligent to take no action when confronting these inadequacies in s*x ed.

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This post is in response to some of the comments that my most recent reel received.

Do I to tell my partners that I…

•live with an infection that is treatable and manageable, but currently without a cure? (herpes, HIV, HPV, Hepatitis B) YES

•live with oral herpes (aka cold sores)? YES

•have not been tested for STIs, so I do not know my status? YES

•was tested and do not have an STI? YES

When I say that disclosure is for everyone, I mean it. Talking about our s*xual Heath is an act of self-care, with ourselves and our partners. It is also necessary for informed consent.

Many times, people avoid the conversation because of a lack of knowledge, fear, or a feeling that they don’t have to disclose if they are not living with an STI (to their knowledge). Avoiding the conversation is one of the places stigma thrives.

*NOTE* There are nuances to testing (ex. What your provider recommends and advises, false negatives/positives, and asymptomatic infections) and relationship dynamics that this post may not capture. However, disclosing your STI status, whether positive or negative, is encouraged.

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Statistical outliers exist when it comes to frequency and duration of herpes outbreaks.

Data tells us that after the first year, typically, herpes outbreaks decrease in frequency and duration (ASHA, 2022).

Statistics are empowering and are one of the best sources of education for ourselves and our partners, however, they’re not always finite.

Outbreaks can be triggered by many things (stress, sunlight, alcohol, etc.), and that varies by each person.

Personally, I am usually someone who is largely asymptomatic. However, during the past year I’ve experienced more outbreaks than I have since being diagnosed seven years ago. I attribute this to the immense amounts of stress I faced this year.

I share this as a reminder that we experience change throughout our lives and our bodies respond to those changes in meaningful ways. Herpes outbreaks don’t signal “bad” or poor behavior, they’re reminders from your body to check-in and slow down.

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People have a tendency to consider themselves against what is standard or “normal” for the rest of society. When it comes to STI testing, a “standard” STI panel is what is standard for *your* reported s*xual behaviors.

Care is customized. The includes a list of STI screening recommendations and considerations for providers in its STI Treatment Guidelines (you can find this available online!). Providers select tests based from reported behaviors for certain infections and populations. (CDC, 2022).

Just because care is customized, doesn’t mean it’s always inclusive. The research used to analyze patients’ “reported behaviors” to determine appropriate STI tests may not be the most accurate or inclusive. Some of this is because research of certain populations is too small or non-existent. Or, of existing bodies of research, the lack of research of certain populations is simply accepted as “the way it is.”

Available STI testing is not always accessible testing. LGBTQ+ folks and people of color experience additional barriers to care. In addition to stigmas surrounding STI testing, if someone does not feel safe or supported by their provider, they may withhold disclosure of their s*xual behaviors or avoid doctors altogether. Thus, they may not receive the care they need and deserve when it comes to their s*xual health.

While this custom model of self-reporting seems to be the best or most accurate for determining appropriate STI tests at first glance, it begs the question, “best for who?”

This model relies on patients’ safety and existing bodies of research—both of which serve a population of privilege.

Did you learn something new from this post? Let me know in the comments below and make sure you press save to share with a friend!

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Hello Facebook Community,

I am rekindling my social media presence following a strenuous last year of graduate school. My first update launches Saturday, October 1st, to my email list. Make sure you're signed up by clicking the link below!

Warmly,
Emily L. Depasse, MSW, MEd

Emails from S*xELDucation Sign up to receive emails from Emily at S*xELDucation with news, updates, and more.

Do responsibilities of s*xual partners differ if one person has an STI?

There is a social expectation that people living with an STI are the first to disclose and/or are responsible for barriers. This is just that, an expectation. In reality, partners with and without STIs have a shared responsibility.

Both partners living with an STI and without* (*to the best of their knowledge)
• gather informed consent
• share s*xual health/STI status
• discuss barriers and birth control
• communicate desires

Partners living with an STI…
• utilize relevant medication (as applicable and if recommended by healthcare provider)

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Yesterday’s post about overcommunicating our needs and desires to our partners received such a positive response that I wanted to add to it😃

I want to acknowledge that these conversations are awkward, anxiety-inducing, and challenging, but they can also lead to more understanding, comfort, and a more fulfilling shared experience.

If you feel comfortable sharing, comment below on a communication experience that improved your connection and s*x life with your partners.

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For many, overcommunication might be seen as a negative. When it comes to s*x, we frequently under-communicate.

Most of us were not taught how to converse around s*xual pleasure, our desires, STI status, or how to communicate about any of these topics with our partners. As a result, many of these conversations fail to happen.

Our partners are (probably not) psychic. Our partners may not be able to discern if you like what they’re doing. Our partners may need guidance to know exactly what you enjoy.

When I advise to “overcommunicate about s*x,” communicate more than you think you need to. Cherish check-ins with your partners. Ask if they’d like to explore something new. Confirm if they’re satisfied with your s*xual cadence (i.e. how long and often you’re having s*x), or if they’d like more or less.

We change with time, why would we expect our s*x lives to remain the same?

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Adding HSV+ to your dating profile doesn’t count as disclosure: here’s why.

1. Not everyone knows what HSV means. HSV stands for the herpes simplex virus. Folks in medical, public health, and s*x education utilize this frequently, as well as those living with herpes; However, for the general public (the same public that still denies cold sores are herpes), HSV holds little, if any meaning.

2. There is no guarantee that someone will read your bio. People notoriously do not read the fine print (I didn’t until I entered the legal field).

3. A swipe is not consent.

4. Disclosure is mutual.

5. It further stigmatizes people with herpes.

If you are someone who adds HSV+ to your dating profile, please be sure to confirm your status with your partners. Adding HSV+ is not enough to be considered a disclosure by itself. Please be sure to initiate a conversation with your partners if they do not inquire, confirming not only their knowledge of what HSV stands for, but their status, too.

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Taking my birth control pill tonight JUST HITS DIFFERENT. That’s all.

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I, perhaps naively, never thought that I would live in a world that was not protect by Roe. From this point forward, there are no words; only actions to restore rights that should have never been up for negotiation, and active care for ourselves and our communities.

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Here’s how Justin Bieber’s Ramsay Hunt syndrome diagnosis can add to the herpes conversation.

recently shared his Ramsay Hunt syndrome diagnosis with fans, leading him to cancel several upcoming concerts.

Ramsay Hunt syndrome causes a painful rash in the ear, face, or mouth (Mount Sinai, 2022). The virus impacts the facial nerve near the inner ear (Mount Sinai, 2022).

AKA herpes zoster oticus. Ramsay Hunt syndrome is caused by the varicella zoster virus, the same virus that causes chicken pox and shingles.

Varicella zoster is a member of the herpes virus family.

So does this mean that Justin Bieber has herpes? When most people hear the word “herpes,” they jump to ge***al herpes. This is likely due to the stigma and stereotypes presented in society about herpes.

Justin Bieber, to our public knowledge, has not shared a ge***al herpes diagnosis. Ramsay Hunt is simply a member of the herpes virus family because it is caused by varicella zoster.

Creating larger conversations around herpes can further educate and destigmatize ge***al presentations of the virus.

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Everyone: OMG what do want to do when you finish school?!?
Me: Nothing. I want to do nothing.

I feel that there is an unspoken pressure post-graduation (whether that’s high school, college, or graduate school) to have it all ~figured out~

My graduate school journey totals five years. I took one year off between undergraduate and graduate school. I’ve been at my mobile crisis field placement since January working ~20-24 hours a week, in addition to two practicum classes. Although I have technically graduated, I will not receive my degrees until I close out this internship in late July/August. Between April-May, I also transitioned out of a job I had been at for five years into a new position (also full time).

TLDR; I have a lot going on (as we all do) in addition to the what seem to be increasing chaos and traumatizing events in the world around us. I’m exhausted.

Rest is important, and prioritizing rest in our lives helps us show up where we need it most. For me right now, my main focus is closing out this graduate school chapter.

I know I’ve shared in a few posts as well as infrequently on my stories. This page has not been a priority for me, and likely will not until I feel more grounded and free to explore what’s next.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in expectations for IG pages and frequency of posts without acknowledging the person and/or people behind the page. Please know that this is not a permanent departure from this space; I am taking the necessary time to rest and hope you find space to honor your time for rest, as well.

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When new, previously unknown diseases or infections are publicly linked to transmission following a s*xual encounter, the media tends to frame them as something to be feared.

Typically, this framework uses the same fear-based rhetoric seen in abstinence based s*x ed classrooms like, “Is monkeypox an STI?” or “How to tell if your partner might have monkeypox.”

As one might imagine, the media profits off stigma and broad assumptions specifically repeated to s*x. The media knows how to target its audience and will utilize clickbait as a way to drive viewers.

Luckily, broke it down for us all. Please head to her Instagram for a great post debunking fact from stigma. 🤓

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A must read for current college students, a great intro to safer s*x for those who did not receive comprehensive s*x ed, and a great reflection for any other adult.

cleverly weaves in real life experience into this educational tool. I say “tool” because Ali offers templates and suggestions in each chapter for you to try in your own s*xual experiences. I also always appreciate a novel that includes non-stigmatizing info on STIs🤓

A special shoutout to for sending me a copy!

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Rejection sucks. Here’s how to reject a potential partner with dignity (whether they have herpes or not):

1. Don’t ghost them: we’ve all likely been ghosted or ghosted someone due to fear of engaging in an (assumed) “awkward” conversation. Rejection can be uncomfortable for both sides, but it’s easy to catastrophize why someone stopped talking to us when there isn’t clear closure.

2. Don’t be a dick. If you don’t want to move forward with someone because they have herpes, that is your right; however, it is not your right to treat them any less due to their herpes status. Give them space to share and review any resources they provide you so that you can make an informed decision. PS: you likely haven’t been screened for herpes & if you aren’t asking potential partners about their oral herpes status, you have some stigma to sort through.

3. Be honest about what was working and what wasn’t. Everyone will respond differently to rejection. Be honest about what was working and what led you to your decision. You don’t need to provide your partner with a novel or life story, but you could share more than the “it’s not you, it’s me” cliche (even if it is applicable). If you want to move forward in a different direction (ie friendship instead of dating) insert that option here if and when they feel ready.

4. Know when to set a boundary. It’s hard not to take rejection personally, but some folks may have a harder time detaching from something they enjoyed or someone they fantasized about some sort of future with—whether that’s s*x or a more serious relationship. Know when you may need to set a boundary or restate your reason for why this will no longer work and how you plan to move forward.

Make sure you save this post for when you’re giving or receiving a rejection!

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“It’s not always about what you’re fighting against, what are you fighting FOR.”

I heard this quote from in a recent Intervals and Arms class with . As I face a period of great change and transition, it’s been on my mind since the class.

When it comes to herpes or any STI diagnosis, we often approach from the “fighting against” perspective. Fighting against rejection, against stigma, the stereotypes, the poor education, the feelings of guilt and shame that society projects upon those living with the virus.

But what are we fighting FOR? This is a very short list of some of the things I and this platform fight for and against. Share yours below, and be sure to save this post in case you ever need a reminder or shift in perspective of what YOU fight for.

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Here’s what having a herpes outbreak ~really~ means:

1. It has nothing to do with your character or morality. Remember Ella Dawson’s () TEDx Talk? If you don’t, go watch it ASAP. While herpes outbreaks can be emotionally and physically painful for many, herpes outbreaks are never punishments for being s*xually active and are not indicative of any wrongdoing (you can take all the “right” precautions and still end up with herpes). If we remove society’s opinions about herpes, and those living with the virus, a herpes outbreak is the body’s way of responding to an event.

2. Your body is trying to communicate with you. A herpes outbreak may be a response to illness, stress, or exhaustion. Some people may also experience outbreaks related to their menstrual cycle or extended exposure to sunlight. Everyone responds differently, which is why it is so important to listen to YOUR body.

3. It’s time to slow down and tune in. While it is important to “feel our feels” and acknowledge the impact of stigma, the reality is that we (at present) do not have a cure for herpes. While we cannot eliminate the virus, we can learn how to manage and treat our symptoms and, more importantly, care for our unique selves. Overworked and feel an outbreak coming on? Take a day for yourself. Still training using high intensity workouts in a prolonged period of high stress? Try a long walk instead. Learn to embrace modifications and alternative approaches if accessible to you.

4. We can’t eliminate herpes, and I don’t believe we can eliminate stigma, but we can shift our perspectives. Outbreaks can suck. They can be painful, interfere with partnered s*x, and bring up residual feelings following one’s diagnosis. I’m not discounting this. We can’t change the circumstances of someone’s diagnosis, experience, or history with herpes, but we can change our perspective.

It won’t happen overnight, and we might not be able to do it alone (shoutout to friends and therapists). But imagine how this shift might impact your experience: Herpes outbreaks are reminders to check in with how you’re treating yourself.

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I’ve been seeing an increase in well-intended, educational posts using STD as opposed to STI. I am resurfacing this previous post of mine to discuss why it’s important to make the transition from STD to STI. Recently, even the CDC adapted this change in their Treatment Guidelines, moving from STD to STI😃

Due to my own curiosities, I’ve spent significant time over the last few years researching the difference between STI vs. STD and communicating why it matters. At first, I thought it was merely a matter of being politically correct—to which some degree, it is, thanks to public health. Despite this, I found that even some publications by the National Institutes of Health and other government agencies and organizations used the terms almost interchangeably. So I set out to find out why.

To understand the fundamental differences, it’s important to understand a few key terms (as defined by the NIH).

1. Pathogen: a microorganism that can cause disease. There are five major types of pathogens: bacteria, viruses, fungi, Protozoa, & helminths.

2. Infection: takes place when a pathogen establishes itself in a host (ex. a human).

3. Disease: when the body’s ability to perform normal functions is interrupted or changed, usually presenting with certain signs and symptoms.

Per these definitions, infection and disease are not synonymous. Better put.. a pathogen enters the host (human), and the conditions may or may not result in that pathogen’s growth (infection), and if a function is impaired and results in signs/symptoms not caused by personal injury, a disease develops.

This post is not meant to be a perfect description of science. This post will not give you all of the answers that you seek. This post is an introduction to a larger lesson, and one that will help others discern which s*x education spaces, educators, therapists, and the like are the most comprehensive.

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So you’re having a herpes outbreak, now what? While many fear the disclosure conversation with potential partners, there is less said about how to tell a partner you’re experiencing an outbreak. Here are a few tips:

1. Establish ground rules. If this is your partner’s first experience with you having an outbreak, this is an opportunity to discuss comfort levels, desire levels, and what your boundaries and/or needs might be during this time.

2. Don’t sugarcoat it. “I am so overwhelmed right now that it actually triggered an outbreak. I’ll let you know when it passes, but right now I just want to [cuddle, take a bath, hangout, etc.].” There is nothing to be sorry for and having an outbreak is often a sign for you to slow down and practice your version of self-care.

3. Don’t offer other s*xual acts if you’re not feeling it. People with herpes often feel bad or at fault if they are experiencing an outbreak. While some couples in discordant relationships may decide together to engage in s*x and/or other acts during outbreaks, many do not wish to increase the chances of transmission to their partner and potential feelings of guilt. If you’re not feeling like giving or receiving s*xual pleasure, or feel that you’re doing it out of guilt for the outbreak, be honest with yourself and your partners.

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“How do I bring it up?” Sharing your herpes status with someone is part of a larger picture when talking with potential s*xual partners. Here are 4 ways to introduce the safer s*x conversation:

1. Introduce it via dating app, email, or text message. Many folks feel more comfortable behind a screen (and that’s totally fine if you’re one of them!)

2. In-person if you feel like you may be moving toward physical touch. Pick a neutral spot or somewhere you feel confident and safe!)

3. Cal them. I know the phone may be passé, but if you’re having great conversation with someone online, why not test the waters over the phone? This may also be a great option if you’re feeling like you want more than text communication, but aren’t quite ready for a meet-up. Think of this as part of your interview process.

4. On a casual, after-the-date stroll. You’re not ready to go home or their place, but you’re having good conversation and still want to chat. Grab an ice cream or a cappuccino and talk about your future goals, what you’re seeking in a partner, and how safer s*x fits into your values.

What are YOUR go-to ways for introducing safer s*x with your partners? Share with me below 💌

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Trans folks living with herpes deserve accessible, informed, and reliable healthcare providers.

I’ve shared before that one of the most important lessons I’ve learned through research is to acknowledge and question absence. When it comes to herpes fact sheets, guidelines, and research, how often do we see articles that acknowledge trans experiences and needs?

I have seen several recent research articles that are starting to focus on this population, and they deserve many more.

As most folks with herpes know, it is not just the physical symptoms that can cause distress, but the stigma and associated mental health conditions of living with such a socially secretive infection. We need competent and informed providers to increase awareness and advocacy as it relates to appropriate and respectful levels of care.

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“Do I have herpes?” is a common question among those who are s*xually active. If you are asking yourself this question, here’s how to find out:

Do you have any presenting symptoms? If so, go get tested, especially if you believe it may be a new infection. Providers can use a combination of testing types to determine if you are presenting with herpes.

If you are not experiencing presenting symptoms, your provider may decide to NOT administer herpes testing. This is due to a CDC recommendation, namely noting that someone knowing their herpes status has not shown (with current research) a change in safer s*x behaviors (CDC, 2017).

However, the CDC says herpes testing MAY be helpful if….

🧪your ge***al symptoms appear similar to herpes

🧪you are having it had s*x with a partner who has herpes

🧪you desire a FULL exam and are engaging in s*x with multiple partners.

While many folks (including myself a long time ago) ask this question in the throes and threat of stigma, I would argue that more people are advocating for their s*xual health due to an increase in available online education.

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