NI Madem tu WA Kenya

Touch his heart before he touches
your va**na. Get in his head
before he gets in your bed &
make him get down on one knee
"BEFORE" you're bent down on
both knees. Practice the art of
getting "YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS"
met before meeting his physical
needs! Stop getting played you
are getting older & should know
the game by now.,,,,LADIES..if this is hard for you come to my inbox,i will personally advice you..

Aki madame Hii dunia si yenyu,
ebu ona madharau mnapitianga..

1.kubebea mwanaume mimba
hehe.

2.kupikia kimwanaume
amejiekelea kwa kiti.

3.kuchapwa , unaenda kwenyu bt
utarudi 2.

4.kulaliwa k**a pillow ,hehe
cheiso.

5.kuogopa panya na nyoka.

6.kubeba matiti mzito hehe g*i
fafa.

7.kupitia machungu kila mwezii.e
periodz.

8.kuhurumiwa mpaka mnapewa
post ya women rep juu ya udespa.

9.kustore sperms za
mwanaume,g*i.

10.kuvaa not less than 7 clothes
once.

11.kubeba bag kila mahali.

12.alafu ile mbaya zaidi, kuzaa
hehe hapa dame anatoa mpaka
haja kubwa.

hehe walahi mjitoe tu hii
dunia ,mjaribu pluto, bt we need
u lyk crazy.

please air this out...
A Cry from a real man
Ladies.... What is there to be left for your man, if everyone has already seen it, if people have already tasted it, if the gift was already given away. ..
The most precious of gems and minerals are covered deep within the earth but that which is most precious of women is always aired out for everyone to see and have. From a simple click on Facebook to a stroll in the City.
If you girls are truly as precious as u are supposed to be, then u will never forget "Kizuri Chajiuza na kibaya chajitembeza". You work so hard to get the wrong type of attention and you start complaining that all men just want s*x..... stop marketing ur thighs and breasts like chicken from KFC or Kenchic but protray urselves as the ladies u really are...

Mke wa mtu alikutwa na mumewe akisoma ujumbe wa simu uliotumwa na mpz wke wa nje.
Ghafla mwanamke huyo akajikuta anatokwa na machoz baada baada ya mpz wke wa nje kumwambia mapenz yao yamefika kikomo.

Baada kumwona mkewe anatokwa na machozi akastuka kidogo na kutaka kujua kulikoni!

Mumewe akamuuliza nani kakutumia msg
Mke: Dada

Mume: Anasemaje
Mke: Ananielekeza jinsi ya kupika pilau

Mume: mbna sasa unalia
Mke: Si nimefika sehem ya kukata vitunguu

A woman and her 7years old son
were inside
a Tricycle. It was raining and all
the
prostitutes were standing by the
roadside.
The Boy asked; Mummy, what are
all those
women doing?. His Mother
replied; They are
waiting for their husbands to
come back
from work.
The Tricycle driver turned around
and said;
Why don't you tell him the truth?.
Little boy,
they are prostitutes, they sleep
with men for
money.
The Boy's eyes got wide and
asked; Mummy is
that true?. His mother, glaring
hard at the
driver replied; Yes.
After a few minutes, the boy
asked; Mummy,
what happens to the babies
those
women
have?. She replied; Most of them
become
Tricycle drivers.
The Driver fainted!

ENGLISH ZA WAALIMU HIVIHIVI!!
Principal to student..." I saw u
yesterday
rotating near girls hostel pulling
cigerette... ? "
*************** ­*********
Class teacher once said :
" pick up the paper and fall in the
dustbin!!!"
*************** ­*********
once hindi teacher said...."i'm
going
out of
the world to america.."
*************** ­*********
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF
MY
BACK.."
*************** ­*********
dont..laugh at the back
benches...other ­wise teeth and all
will be
fallen down.....
*************** ­*********
it was very hot in the afternoon
when the
teacher entered.. She tried to
switch
the
fan on, but there was some
problem. and
then she said
" why is fan not oning" (ing form
of
on)
*************** ­*********
teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father of
ur
name!!
*************** ­*********
"shhh... quiet... the principal is
revolving
around college"
*************** ­*********
My manager started like this
"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two
kids"
*************** ­*********
"I'll illustrate what i have in my
mind" said
the professor and erased the
board
*************** ­*********
"will u hang that calender or else
i'll
HANG
MYSELF"
*************** ­*********
LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL
TALK
AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN
OUTSIDE"
*************** ­*********
Chemistry HOD comes and tells
us...
"My aim is to study my son and
marry my
daughter"
*************** ­*********
Tomorrow call ur parents
especially
mother
and father
*************** ­*********
"why are you looking at the
monkeys
outside when i am in the class?!"
*************** ­*********
Lab assistant said this when my
friend
wrote wrong code..
"I understand. You understand.
Computer
how understand??
*************** ­*********
Seing the principal passing by, the
teacher
told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has
passed
away"

LESSON WELL LEARNT

One day, a rich dad took his son on
a trip. Wanted to show him how poor
someone can be. They spent time on
the farm of a poor family. On the
way
home, dad asked, "Did you see how
poor they are? What did you
learn?".

Son said, "We have one dog, they
have four, we have pool, they have
rivers, we have lanterns at night,
they
have stars, we buy foods, they grow
theirs, we have walls to protect us,
they have friends, we have
encyclopedias, they have Bible."

Then
they headed, "Thanks dad for
showing
me how poor we are.."

MORAL LESSON: It's not about
money
that make us rich, it's about
simplicity
of having God in our lives.

Don't forget to share.

Warembo 3, waliingia
supermarket,
mbele
yao kulikuwa na KASUKU the
bird
anaongea akasema..:
WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK
Madem wakashangaa coz
hizo ndio
zilikua colour za
panty walikuwa wamevaa hio
day ..
Kesho yake wakabadilisha,
kufika tena supermarket,
KASUKU
akasema: BLUE, PINK na
GREEN.
Warembo wakashangaa sana,
siku
inayofuata
wakaja hawajavaa chochote
ndani,
kufika tu
KASUKU akasema:: kweli leo
mmeamua
RASTA, KIPARA na MO-HAWK

Asilimia 98 ya watu wafupi huwa hawapunguzi urefu wa jeans zao. Huzikunja kwa chini wakiishi kwa matumaini kwamba kuna siku watarefuka.

Ukiona Dame,,,

1;unapiga simu mara zaidi ya tano na hachukui,,boss pliz jipe shugli,,hana tym ya kuskia sauti yako rough ka ya chura iko na njaa!!

2:mko na dame alafu anatumiwa text anaanza kusmile,,boss kubali yaishe,,u dont make ha happy anymo na hizo mistari zako zawatu wa Loliondo!!

3:unatomba dame yako yote ka ma Ogre sabana bado hatoi sauti,,boss kubali umechapa kwa list yake,,kuna mwenye ufinya izo vtu adi znalia Miaaaoow!!

4:Unajaribu kua funny na dame amevaa sura ya watu wa mjengo,,boss,,m ­bna unajilazmisha?? ­si utembeze kiatu na hizo joks zako za ufala??

5.Dame alkua anapenda Reggea mkionana na sa ii anapenda Hip hop,,boss,,anza ­ kutingishatako ukienda mbele,,kwani lazma nikwambie amepata Babby anamfanya apende hip hop??

6;dame unamtumia kredo hadi ya soo alafu anatext tu kisema thanx,,boss kwani utalalia maskio adi Ole kiyapi akue Orezzo??ai
Mbona maboy wengine upenda kujilazmisha kwa madame na unaona kapsaar hakutaki??baff!

Four Kenyans(luo,kik ­uyu,kamba and luhya) were on death row for a very serious felony offence. They were given four types of the death penalty options to choose from:
1.Electric chair
2.Firing squad
3.Hanging
4.HIV Injection.
On the fateful day, the 4 Kenyans were taken straight to the Executioner to get killed.

The Jang’o man chose the electric chair; and boom he was gone!

The Kao man chose the firing squad; A shot was fired, and boom he was gone.

The Kiuk man was lifted onto the noose by the Executioner and boom! he was gone!

The Luhya man walked confidently to the Executioner and selected the HIV Injection option. They inject a bottle of the deadly virus into his veins and off he goes!

He walks confidently to his cell and tells his cellmates, pointing at the Executioner: “Abandu abajinga, shivamanyire khufwala ikondom!” (stupid people, they do not know that I am wearing a condom).

15 TIPS TO SPOT A KENYAN.........

1. Burg*ins anything hata k**a ni ya 20bob.
2. Steps aside instead of resigning
3. Goes to a restaurant and orders 'nipee k**a ya ule'
4. He always disses a vitz but does not even own a bicycle.
5. Every strike has to have the song"Mapambano mapambano", and the "Haki yetu" slogan
6. They say 207 when they mean 2007
7. They point at stuff with their lips
8. Laughs at a probox owner from inside a tuktuk.
9. Reads your newspaper with you in the mat and gets angry when you flip over the page
10. Goes to study in India, returns with an accent from America
11. Borrows u a pen n they don’t return n if they return kifuniko Kimetafunwa
12. Refers to all brands of detergent as Omo.
13. Puts avocado in all types of food even in crips SMH.
14. They fear meeting police at night than a robber!
15. When driving, he puts his left hand on the gear yet the vehicle is automatic.

Otonglo ndo ameangukia sisi wengine ni kubahatisha.
.ati otonglo ni kijana ya president,full sponsorship. .hyo ata ina sound normal bt mahali palitisha ni report form. Ati u.k ndo atakua anaikagua.

Otonglo akianguka exam,u.k ana form comision ku investigate hyo maneno.

Otonglo akiskika ako na tabia hazieleweki uko shule, CID wanapewa kazi.

Pia hii story ya visiting day, unaimajin ka motor cade kakielekea shule,alaf wana doz nauk pale hvo chini ya mti,ma hot pot zime wazunguka.

Na kitu sasa natamani kujua,ni hii story ya pocket money,wee hapo ndo nasema otongloameangukia.
na sasa mahali na skia ka wivu kadogo,ni hii story ya ngina.
Yaani otonglo ni mtu atakua ana hug ngina, hata akitaka wanapigwa picha na yeye, ,may be ata ako na namba za ngina..unaelewa ­???

TOP 8 LIES TOLD BY GIRLS OF
NOWADAYS
1. I have a boyfriend but he is
not in the country.
2. The lecturer called me but i
did'nt answer
3. Am not bleaching my skin,
my natural color is just coming
out.
4. Am on my periods.
5. I went to visit a guy in
town, he gave me 5,000 bob
but he did not even touch me
6. I don't love u because of your
money.
7. He is just a friend.
8. I love u too!,
True of False?
like and share

USHAI REALYZ. . .

Ukikatia, ama uko na dem unapenda, hakosangi ma beshte wa hii aina:-

1.dem mmoja mroho safi,mwenye huwatakia 2 mazuri,mkikosan ­a anajaribu ku wa unite, ama ukimtuma anapeleka message,na anajaribu kukutetea ukifanywa madharao.

2.dem flani hakupendi ata kidogo, yaani yee ukukulenga tym mko na huyo manzi,ata hatakangi story zako.na huwa mfriendly sana kwa huyo dem tym mmekosana.

3.dem flani kakierere, kana lyk story zako saana dezyn kanajiribu kujipendekeza kwako.hukua na story mob na hu avoid story ukimchapia vile unapenda huyo manzi,thoh kichini ya maji,she trys puting your gal in bad picture.pia hukupea tu moshene kuhusu uyo dem.

4.ki boy flani apo,wako close na yeye sana,tymmmekosana ama dem ataki story zako,ndo utaona waki spend tym na hikyo ki chali,ku hug hug,na kucheka cheka. At that tym,uyo dem hukaa kuboeka ukimbongesha,bt ­ akirudi kwa hikyo ki boy,unaona ame changamkaa.

Hehe ni ka research kangu,ni ukweli ama uongo?

Na wee ni yupi apo?

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
On the other hand,the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION; Eat and drink what you like. Its speaking English that kills you

AGES OF P***Y.

16yrs-19: Brand New.
20-28: Slightly used.
29-36: Second hand.
37-45: Subject to repair.
46-55: For lubrication.
56-60: Total wreck.
61-70: Closed for renovation!!

ladies--where are you?
guys--which do you like?

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,

"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes....
reply #

"..and make sure you prepare my favorite dishbefore I return..."
reply #

He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end
of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back, "OMG really???"

Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

Sam of the things people do when alone(of course i not included)

* kukojoa kwa bafu
* ladies pressing their boobz
*scratching ur private parts
* Kujiangalia na kioo katikati ya miguu
* admiring ua naked body
* trying to sing along to a video clip playing on TV.
* Ukitoa ngodha kabla ukaoge unanusa kuconfirm k**a ina smell
* Kuflash dem/chali wako na private namba sa zile mmekosana, ju hutaki ajue unamhata, alafu akikuask una deny
* kunyamba k**a unatembea pekee yako kwa njia halafu unaangalia k**a kuna mwenye ana_come nyuma yako.
* Boy Kuchungulia manzi amevaa pants ya colour if ameketi mbaya.....
Research

Vitu 10 Ambavyo Wanawake Wamewazidi Wanaume...!

1. Wana Nguo Nyingi Kuliko Wanaume.
2. Wanafahamu Nani Ni Baba Halisi Wa WatotoWao.
3. Ni Wepesi Kupenda Na Wakipenda HupendaKweli.
4. Wanaoga Mara Nyingi Zaidi Kwa Siku.
5. Wana Huruma Sana Ingawa Mara Nyingi Huwa Inawaponza.
6. Wana Uwezo Wa Kubadilisha Tabia Ya Mwanaume Muda Wowote.
7. Wana Uwezo Wa Kuishi Na Kupendeza Bila Kuwa Na Kazi Wala Biashara Yoyote(Akili Kumkichwa).
8. Kwao Nywele Na Kucha Ndo Vitu Vya Kwanza Kufikiria Wakitaka Kutoka.
9. Wana Uwezo Wa Ku-Pretend Kwa Muda Mrefu Zaidi Hasa Kwenye Mapenzi.
10. Nipe Nyingine Unayodhani Nimeisahau....!

Mm napenda dem mwenye..

1. Hapendi kula sana unless tuko kwake.
2. Tukiwa kwa mat,yy hutoa doo ajilipie,na piaananiuliza "nikulipie"
3. Nikimuuliza "baibie unataka nn?"anajibu"beibz nko poa"
4. Kila tym nikibuiya kitu husema "Acha tu nilipe"
5. yy hubeba CD yake tukienda date
6. yy huniuliza "utakunywa soda nikubuiye?"
7. yy hunishow "leo usikunywe sana" instead of "mbona ww hukunywa?"
THAT'S ME.
Wako kweli hawa madem??

matusi za siku izi hazimek sense,ati
*haga ya nyoka ...nkt inakuaga wapi?
*zgembe ya siafu...try to imajin venye iko
*makwapa ya kunguni...
ebu ongeza zenye umeskia

~Hakuna kitu mbaya k**a budako kukuaangalia alafu anambia mathako, nilikwambia 2 2mie condom ukakataa! sasa ona matokeo! !

~Hakuna kitu mbaya k**a kuintroduce besty yako kwa dem yako alafu anapewa more attention kukuliko!

~Hakuna kitu mbaya k**a friend yako ku copy paste update status yako alafu anapata more likes kukuliko!

~Hakuna kitu mbaya k**a_____

5 interesting facts of the day :

1). Wearing headphones for
just an
hour will
increase the bacteria in your
ears by 700 times.
2). The cigarette lighter was
invented before the
invention of a match box.
3). A duck's quack doesn't
echo and no one knows
why ?
4). Most lipsticks contains fish
scales.
5). Like finger prints,
everyone's toungeprint is
different..

share this if u care..

in the digital era. the first and second wife are in problem.....

MARGARET KENYATTA: halo? sasa girlfriend.....
RACHEL RUTO: sasa dearie? Habari ya statehouse?

M.K: Poa tu.....supper ndio imeisha....
R.R: ah hapo sawa.....U.K Ako poa?

M.K: Ako tu....anacheza p.s na jomo....btw nilikiluwa nakol kuhusu hao mahubby wetu. Naskia kesho ndio wanasoma cabinet list number two?
R.R: EWOOOOOOO!! hata umenikumbusha. tuwavalishe nini??

M.K: nilikuwa napropose zile suit za navy blue.....zile zenye shebesh alishoneshanga. ­ ....
R.R: perfect. na kumbuka tie this time ni ya urp. last time ilikuwa za tna.

M.K: huyu Chali amekaa ngumu. unajua anainsist anataka kubeba galaxy s4 kesho. na unajua kamenona sasa trouser ni tight sasa phone haitatoshea kwa mfuko!!
R.R: ah wachana na yeye. mwambia akileta kinaa utamuitia mama ngina!

M.K: ahahah hapo sawa! na perfume wadunge gani?
R.R: Maggie wee nawe! sasa unadhani harufuzitanukia kwa t.v!! haha....wacha wavalie enye wanataka.

M.K: na ukumbuke handkerchief ya w***y ni red na ya kamwana ni yellow.
R.R: sawa. na umkumbushe akachane nywele.na asichanie nyuma. yee hukaa funny!

M.K: hehehe nimemshow mara ngapi'!? aki ntamnyoa kipara akiendelea..... ­ anyway, acha tukadoze wasichelewe kesho. Nyt girlfie

HOW WOMEN REACT .
Manzi: baby leo office kazi imekua mingi, imagine tumeongezewa over time ya 4 hrs. Leo ntafika home 12.am
Chali: aah you are serious ama you are just kidding?
Manzi: Aki ni ukweli.
Chali: sawa wacha ntatafta cab nkukujie.
Manzi:haina haja juu nta dropiwa apo home na yule workmate wangu.
Chali: Wah apo ni ngumu,but I trust
you..silali na watch movie nikiku
ngoja. . . . .
CHALI: baby leo office kazi imekua mingi, imagine tumeongezewa over time ya 4 hrs. Leo ntafika home 12.am
Manzi: ati whaaat?? Ati over time? My
fooot,
Si uwache kutafta reasons, saa hii
juu umelipwa end month, huku
huwezi patikana.
kazi ni kwenda tu klabu ukakule pesa
zako na malaya wako.
Enda ukajienjoy na hao malaya wako, ata ukitaka kulala uko lala, but hizo nguo zako uwaachie juu
sitazifua.
{Anaanza kulia}, k**a nimekuchosha
sema, be a man face me uniambie, hakuna ­ haja ya madharau. .
Na ukae ukijua kwetu sikufukuzwa, unifanyie tu vile unataka, but God
anaona,.ni treat hivyo but kila kitu kina
mwisho.

Hook-up time.....

1.Comment last two numbers of your mobile number followed by ur gender e.g 14F
2.Like the comment of whoever shares same number wiv ya and ADD THEM

Let's GO!

What is the best punishment should be given to a man, with children in school, who wakes up very earlier in the morning,having not 'touched' his wife at all for months,goes to chang'aa,nyasor ­e,busaa and other JOINTS of bitter things,enters into a complete drunken stupor,goes home drunk,staggerin ­g,smelly and pongy and demands for MEAT STEW?

From a Njoro School Teacher.."Nani huyo ananyonya moto??(who is smoking)"

From a Nyeri high school grammar teacher:.."The girl goes to school, goesn't she?"

From a Kianyaga High School Teacher:.."Both of you three, come here!"

From a geography teacher in a Geography class:.."In a natural forest, there are many trees (many different Species) but in a man made forest, there is only one tree (One Species)"

From our geography teacher in a Geography class:.."the ass is lound?" meaning the earth is round

From the headmaster of Kerugoya High School. He comes in the staff room panting and says:.."A male cow was running after me" (A bull had been chasing him)

An Irate teacher to student: (Nanyuki High School).."Tomorrow I want you to come with your father, your mother and both your parents."

Heard at a bar somewhere in western province, the stronghold of the Luhya:.."'You can't me!' - translated from, 'Huniwezi!'

From a student composition in high school:.."the car beat the corner in speed and then fell over and its legs faced up (gari ilipiga kona halafu ikaanguga na miguu ikaangalia juu -- sheng)"

A Kikuyu once told the butcher:.."Forgive for me a kilo of meat with holy paper.(njohera kilo ya nyama na karatathi gatheru)"

On seeing twins enter his office, the assistant director in Starehe said:.."You look together; are you twice?"

In Kagumo the deputy principle praying for the Mtongwe disaster victims:.."Rod(LORD) help those who(paused for a moment) PARTICIPATED IN THE MTORORONGWE AIR CRASH FERRY DISASTER IN THE RAILWA

If your legs open up faster than Google’s homepage.
You are not a Wife material

BREASTS=Shape of luv
PENIS=Length of luv
VAGINA=Depth of luv
F**K=Experience ­ of luv
SUCK=Taste of luv
CONDOM=Care of luv
PREGNANCY=Proof ­ of luv....
AIDS=...... ???

Nataka admin anaeza run hii page!!

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:-

01. Feed him
02. Sleep with him
03. Leave him in peace
04. Don't check his phone (Msgs)...
05. Don't bother him about his movements
06. Honor him...Whats so hard about that..?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It's really not difficult...To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:-
01. A friend
02. A companion
03. A lover
04. A brother
05. A father
06. A master
07. A chef
08. An electrician
09. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A s*xologist.
15. A gynaecologist
16.A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organiser
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:-
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:-
50. Give her lots of attention
51. Give her lots of time,especially ­ time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:->>
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes......