Darla Darling: The Domestic Diva

Police Chief moved our morning coffee and the funnies from the front porch, under the mailbox back into the kitchen. "Darla, Darling, do I dare ask what in the world is going on now? We could have coffee on the back deck if you wanted to enjoy the sunshine this morning before my shift. Why the front door/porch?" Sometimes that man is so dense! "Chief, I had Author's raven, Rocky distribute my queries yesterday that I could not email. I am on pins and needles to see which agent answers and swoops DARLA DARLING DOES up!" Chief was hesitant. I asked: "Why silence? What are you not saying? Did Author give you, yet another, ear full of 'thou shalts and thou shalt not's?" He hemmed and hawed, stalled, stuttered, sipped his coffee, turned from "Peanuts" to "Crankshaft", stammered. "WELL?" I demanded. S-l-o-w-l-y he whispered: "Darla, Darling, these things take time. Don't hang your stars on any immediate acceptances quite yet. You might have some editing..." I stood up and told him that I had no room for negativity...hit the road (for now). I am putting on my finest dots later and that boy is taking me to Cincinnati for dinner on the river! (Montgomery Inn Boat House). Because of the pandemic, limited seating, etc...smartie pants doesn't realize that he has a reservation right on the outside deck overlooking the Ohio River. Well played law boy, well played!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, I plopped down my query letter for Police Chief to peruse. I did splash his coffee a bit on "Peanuts", but, he did recover nicely. "Darla, Darling, what's all of this?" He was leafing through about five typewritten pages. "Chief, that's my query letter to send to literary agents to get DARLA DARLING DOES on the top of the New York Times Best Seller List!" He groaned. "Has Author gotten a look at ALL of this?" After I didn't answer, but took a huge long gulp of coffee, he shook his head. "Darla, Darling, I know nothing about writing, other than Police Reports, but, somehow, some way, I think that a query letter should be short, concise, attractive...yes?" Ya know, I am getting a little bit tired of Author and Chief conspiring! Of course my query letter will be five pages...the book is 87,472! That man is soooooo frustrating and annoying. "Well, Chief, I'll get on slicing and dicing my work...YOU pick up a pizza for dinner...Darla, Darling Doesn't tonight!" Now, why oh why did he dance down the driveway laughing? I guess I'm kinda funny?

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief rather hesitantly asked progress on my writing project. "Chief. As soon as I have firm "grab ya" query letter ready, I am going to contact literary agents. That's what Author told me to do. But, she was so snippy when she said that I REALLY needed serious editing! How can she think that my pearls of wisdom can be condensed?" I have been working NON STOP! Once I start sending out queries, I can get back on track here." He winced, coughed, sneezed and replied: "Yeah, I thought you were cultivating a dust farm here lately! Glad to hear that Darla is almost back!" Oh really?

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief was giving himself "atta boys" for helping me pick up and rig a new lap top. "Darla, Darling, ya gotta admit, I am a knight in shining armor! I rescued my little polka-dotted damsel in technology distress! Maybe the pause in progress with your masterpiece of wisdom allows you to step back, think, shrink the massive amount of words, ya know?" Hmmm. "Ya know, Chief, you started out really well there! I mean, you spoke with such beauty, I had to tell my heart to be still. But, as usual, your inner block head came out! Shining armor? Ya got a tin badge! AND...you can't keep trying to stifle my brilliant wisdom!" He tried deflecting the conversation with "The Lockhorns", but then put the paper down: "Darla, Darling, please don't be upset. I'm trying to help you here. How does a trip to Cincinnati, taking your oldest grandson to see WWE fit into domestic wisdom? I'm only trying to be supportive and..." Oh really? "Stop right there! The message there is: "On the way to Cincinnati to a stadium on the Ohio river, pay attention. Don't let what happened to us (Author was really screwy that day) happen to you: Pay attention! Don't try to make a U-Turn on a bridge which sports a banner: "Welcome to Kentucky" Not wise to overshoot your destination!" He is dragging his feet, scuffing those shiny uniform shoes, shaking his head and muttering as he is returning to his cruiser. What'd I say?

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief was a bit shy about initiating any conversation. Finally, I broke the ice..."Chief, put down "Crankshaft" and listen up! I am a positive person! Maybe DARLA DARLING DOES might have to be a multi-volume encyclopedia of wisdom. I will take that chance! Now, when your shift is over, I will let you take me to the electronic store to pick up at the curb my new computer and accessories. I kinda burned out the one on which I was working...that and I got too many pop tart crumbs in the keyboard. My goal is not to take bows for eligibility to be included in the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest book of wisdom ever, but to share with the universe, the essence of ME...it could be soooo insightful, useful, inspiring! And, you can boast that you 'knew me when' and supported me every step of the way! I might let you appear on talk shows with me and book signings once the Pandemic is over!" He had to put "The Lockhorns" down and looked rather intently at me. "Darla, Darling, you are positive, alright...positively the nuttiest person I have ever met. Just think, my claim to fame is the strength, the patience to put up with you! Then again, where could I find a comedy show and a cup of coffee and funnies before I start my shift each day?" Whatever...as long as we pick up my new stuff! I think I'll call "Archers" or somewhere to curb side pick up dinner after the computer! This Diva knows how to live!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief made several attempts to begin a conversation. He would put down "Peanuts", clear his throat, look at me, shake his head, pick up the funnies and focus on "The Lockhorns". He did this a number of times. I finally asked, as I refilled his mug and gave him another Danish: "Chief, what's up? Why are you literally hemming and hawing? Just spill!" He gave me a side ways glance, tried to get to the punch like of the "Wizard of Id" and stammered: "W-e-l-l, Darla,Darling, you know I support your book project 1000%, right?" I nodded. "You know that I would never intentionally hurt your feelings, or go to another source for, well, fact checking, validation, right?" I nodded. "You know that my critiques about your activities, whatever they are are meant with the deepest respect, sensitivity, love (hey, personally, I was lovin' his phraseology), right?" I nodded and finally said: "Yes, I know all of that, 'right', but I don't know what you are trying to say!" He hesitated, backed up and verbally launched a running start, quickly: "Well, I asked Author about the length of the longest book in the history of time. She told me that ARTAMENE/CYRUS THE GREAT published eons ago is 2,000,000 words long and 13,095 pages long. Your fingers are sore because you've typed 27,851 1/2 pages! Do you think you might lose your audience? You might want to consolidate your wisdom? Please? You will not get paid by the weight, nor the number of words...ya know? My men saw the 'Staples' delivery truck blocking your street wheeling in cartons and cartons of paper! Why don't you, Author and I sit down over dinner tonight and whittle your wisdom down a tad?" I am speechless! Can that blockhead read that many words? So, I can make dinner, feed the two "critics/editors" and watch my pearls of wisdom be chopped away like a craft project? But, maybe I will play along...see? He is t-r-y-i-n-g to be a team player and participate in my life voluntarily! (He never has peeled a potato, though).

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief was snickering and "The Lockhorns" had nothing to do with it. "Chief, what's up?" He crinkled his eyes, gave me a real wise guy smirk , reached into his pack and pulled out a Bible! He proceeded to flip pages: "Darla, Darling, do you realize that this complete Bible, Old and New Testaments has 1535 pages?" I gotta tell ya, you might have to do major editing of your wisdom!" I giggled and said: "Oh Chief, I am consolidating! See? On page 1863, I am already a ten year old running from the Church into the school after slipping on an altar rail with a wick lit to light a candle, flipping it into the air and setting the Papal Flag on fire, screeching that I burned down the Church!" I wonder if he's coming back for dinner?

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief pointed out that the manuscript that I plopped in front of him sported 1347 pages. "Darla Darling, do you think that this is a bit lengthy? 1347 pages?" I was impressed that he took such an interest in DARLA DARING DOES and my wisdom in general. "Oh, no, I am learning economy of words, Chief! Not bad. So far, I am up to our sixth birthday party. Can you imagine my friend, S.C. eating the clothespins when we played 'clothes pin in the bottle'? He stammered a little and asked how a friend eating clothes pins spoiling a game related to a Domestic Diva's wisdom. "Silly man! Right there, I realized that one does not get fiber from wooden clothes pins, but only splinters!" Even he chuckled and said he would make a note to himself not to eat wooden clothes pins at a party! See? I am sharing what I have lived for the good of mankind. He winced. I don't think he gets it! Oh snap!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief mentioned that he had a short day and suggested that he could grill steaks for dinner this evening. I jumped at that offer! "Chief! That's so wonderful! I can work non stop on my book all day if you take charge of dinner!" He was so proud of himself! He asked: "Just about wrapping up your masterpiece?" I excitedly replied: "Oh, you can't rush great work! 983 pages - up to First Grade when that kid (MB) pulled my hair!" He threw up his hands, scrunched "Crankshaft" in the process, shook his head and muttered: "I won't say a thing; I won't say a thing; please God, help me keep my mouth shut"
Hmmmm..."Nice to start the day with a prayer, Chief, nice!"

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief looked up from "The Wizard of Id" and tentatively asked: "W-e-l-l, Darla, Darling, do I dare ask why so quiet and have you and Author made headway on your book of infinite wisdom?" I smiled and said that I will have her edit when I am finished entirely, so that she understands the flavor of where I am coming from to establish the ME! He dubiously shook his head. I continued... "It's this way. I have my original and added. I have 857 pages. The trauma of falling on the cement stairs right before the first day of school and having to go to school with a huge band aid covering stitches when I was only five years old takes a toll on a person!" You know, his head is still down on the table, he is sobbing onto "Peanuts"...I think he missed his shift!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief had a hard time holding onto his mug, trying to read jumping frames of "The Lockhorns" and overcome the high energy in the kitchen in general. I was sitting with my lap top at the table pounding away in a flurry! "Darla, Darling, slow down! I am so glad to see that you might be over your 'writer's block', but where's the fire?" Oh boy, oh boy! "Chief! Author helped me alright with our first five years...up until the doll clothes thrown off of the porch. Do you see this?" I shook 1 1/2 pages at the man. "She edited - must have used a whole pencil factory of red pencils and re-typed the barest bones of ...well...bare bones! The flavor is lost! How could my first years of wisdom be formulated in only 1 1/2 pages?!!?!?!?!?!?! I am undone. Good thing that I have a copy of MY original! Drink up! I have serious work to do because DARLA DARLING DOES!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief noticed that I did not have my manuscript (so far) on the table. He gently pushed "The Lockhorns" aside and said: "Darla, Darling, uh, well, um, have you given up on your book of wisdom?" I sighed, "Well, Chief, I think I have writer's block. Author said it will pass, but I am stuck on the day, when I was 5, that a friend threw all of my Tiny Tears doll clothes off of the porch...a third floor porch! I shut down and have to regroup." He almost laughed, but evidently had the presence of mind to stay perfectly still and quiet. Finally, after a quick yuck at "Family Circus" he said: "Well, a day or two of space between such an intense book and you, just might rejuvenate you." I told him that I might take a break, but Author said that a writer has to put her hiney in front of the computer and write every day. Pages can be deleted or trashed, but the momentum has to go on. I guess she has a stock pile of red pencils or something.He said he'd be back for dinner and he just knew that I would create an innovative, new, fun meal, because that's what I do! Well bless my dots! He's right, I do!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief noticed that I was a little weepy. He put down "Peanuts" and looked a bit concerned. "Darla, Darling, what's up, or by the looks of you, what's down?" I sniffed and said that writing DARLA DARLING DOES can trigger all sorts of feelings. I was disappointed that Author red penciled 90% of a story and now, that I am almost to my fourth birthday in the book, super sadness overcame me. He flipped through, the 500 pages that I have completed and remarked that it w-a-s a little wordy and that Author got to the meat and potatoes of a little story without droning on and on. I snatched my work from him. He was very sweet when he leaned across the table and said: "You know, I am sure that you have an overload of 'wisdom' to share, but this is long and only up until you were not even four! If I were you, I would skip lightly through a brief background and cut to the chase of your impeccable wisdom now." I sniffed and said: "Yeah, but, I will never get over that hunter green snow suit that I had to wear one winter - I was almost 4 and it should have been pink polka dots!" He sighed, opened up to "The Lockhorns" and shook his head.

After Live Streamed Mass this morning, over morning coffee and Sunday Cinnamon Rolls and of course, the Sunday Funnies, Police Chief commented: "Well, Darla, Darling, it's a beautiful day and I am off duty. Why don't we take a ride through the country and relax this afternoon. You have been so busy, you need a break." He then fiddled with his phone, texting. Hmmm. I was elated that we would spend the day out and enjoying the spring weather. I have a total of 250 pages typed of DARLA DARLING DOES. I finished up until my fourth birthday! I thought how sweet and kind he is! "Chief, I'll run my partial manuscript upstairs to Author to edit. She can take care of her own creatures today! Let me get ready and pack a nice picnic lunch!" He nodded and smiled. As I slipped past him,, I glanced as his phone screen before he hit "send"...It read: "Yeah, I'm helping you out here...as far as I can see, the incident about 'Junie', the mop and a whole bunch of stuff takes up about 50 pages. I'm just flipping through fast. I'm helping ya out here and we've got to save this nut from herself. Good luck, Author...you're a peach!" Oh snap! Do you think those two "Ney Sayers" are in cahoots about my wisdom? Gotta go get ready and switch to Laura Macy, Author page...she could be up to no good. That is if she can find her way out of that landfill closet of hers!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief asked how my amazing book was coming along. Well, he didn't really say "amazing book"...it was more like: "Hey Shakespeare in polka dots, how's the masterpiece coming along?" Oh, that man! "Hey Chief! Get your head out of 'Zits' and "B.C". 'The Lockhorns' and 'Family Circus' are obviously your only connection (kinda weak connection at that) to literature apparently. 'Peanuts' has never been required reading for any intelligent person! AND, SHAKESPEARE WAS A PLAYWRIGHT!" He chuckled (I hate when he does that) and said: "Oh, I am sorry, professor. How is 'Darla Darling Does' coming along? Did you write anything yet, after all of your thinking for two days?" That's better! I placed 149 1/2 pages on the table in front of him. He gulped his coffee and choked as he sputtered: "Darla, Darling, you've done so much!" I asked if he wanted to read it now, or wait until I completed the second year of my amazing life. Continuing to choke and flipping pages, he squeaked: "What?" I sighed: "Chief, if I am chronicling my life and wisdom, I have a lot to say! Today I will work on my third year - we will learn about Junie, baby powder, a toy string mop! Just you wait until that inspiring story is typed black and white! I wonder if Author would illustrate that one for me?" The Chief gagged, jumped from his chair, funnies flew everywhere! "Gotta go...I'll call ya!" Just as well, I have serious work to do!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief cautiously asked: "So, Darla, Darling, how is the great American novel coming along?" I give him credit for asking, but: "Chief, when the library finally opens up after all of this Pandemic, you better brush up on great literature. DARLA DARLING DOES is not a 'novel', but important non-fiction! And, great work takes time! I have been thinking!" He gave me that prize winning grin with a twinkle in his eyes and said: "Oh, a thousand pardons for my confusion. Let me contact Fire Chief immediately. He did smell smoke from this direction. I have to tell him to relax, it was only you 'thinking'!" Oh snap!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief noticed that I was doodling in a notebook and repeatedly sharpening a pencil (hmmm, and repeatedly erasing the pencil marks). He folded up "The Lockhorns" and said: "Darla, Darling, I know that I am going to be sorry that I am asking this, but, what are you doing?" I stopped, looked across "Peanuts" and replied: "Well, did your crystal ball tell you that you know that you will be sorry for asking?" He was startled and said: "Wow, you're sounding a little crisp this morning. What's up?" I closed my notebook, sighed and said: "Well, Chief, you do realize that I am amazingly multi-talented! I have decided to write my wisdom down, write a log of my thoughts, my achievements for prosperity. Maybe Author can help me find an agent to push my advice, my observations, my amazingness to the top of the New York Times Best Seller List!" The Chief lost interest in "Crankshaft" and looked astounded. "Darla, Darling, are you sure about this new venture? What is the title of this masterpiece?" I replied with a twist of a proud smirk: "Silly, Chief! What else but: DARLA DARLING DOES!" To that he responded: "Do you mean, DARLA DARLING DOESN'T ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT?" I asked him to leave his negativity in the driveway from now on if he is trying to stifle my creativity from now on!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, I asked Police Chief when his shift would be over today. He flipped from "Peanuts" to "The Lockhorns" and mumbled something or other that I could not make out. I repeated my question. That sparked extreme interest in "The Wizard of Id". Hmmm. I then said: "Hey, Chief...have you guys been able to get into the gym yet to stay super strong?" He became absorbed in "Family Circus" and muttered "nah". I plopped the coffee pot on the paper, and said: "I have a great 'shelter in place' exercise program for you to keep you muscular physique tip-top!" He tried to maneuver the funnies out from under the coffee pot, but, failing to do so, looked up and asked: "Hey, let go! What are you talking about, now?" I pulled out my biggest and best smile from my polka dotted bag of tricks and said: "As soon as you are finished serving and protecting, you can help me re-arrange the furniture in the living room for starters. Then we can move into the dining room, foyer, and next week we can tackle the bedrooms!" Does he think that running down the driveway with a torn wet page of funnies, screaming "No No NO!!!" make him look like a "Chick Magnet"?

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief was so proud of himself. He looked up from "Crankshaft" and boasted: "Well, Darla, Darling, have you ever had such a relaxing, wonderful Mother's Day in your life? No thanks necessary, it's what I do; it's what I do!" I looked at him as if he swallowed the entire "Family Circus" whole! "Chief, I, no, you're just lucky that those guys in that van outside are so thorough! They clean and disinfect. Otherwise, they would be cleaning YOU up!" The van out in the driveway, with super duper hoses cluttering up the kitchen had a side panel that read: "Apex Crime Scene Cleaning and Restoration" Police Chief gave a broad smile,, tipped his cap and said: "See? I have connections! Well, there was no murder last night in town...there's that too!" The only reason that the house didn't draw a crowd when that van pulled up behind his cruiser must have been the whole "social distancing" thing!

Police Chief arrived to watch Mass "Live Streamed" on time and told me to sit and relax. After we watched, he told me that it was time that I took off...after all it was Mother's Day. Lady was involved laughing and crying over the most amazing gift that her grandchildren created. Author was surrounded by her insanity with her Creatures, sharing the gift. - Although, I was mentioned and appreciated...did make me teary. "Darla, Darling, you spend your entire life 'mothering' this nutty crowd. Sit back, relax, here is some coffee and funnies for you to read while I make a nice brunch...homemade waffles, NJ's Taylor Ham, scrambled eggs, fresh berries..." I wondered who this guy was and what he did to the Chief, but, hey, a little pampering goes a long, long way. I must admit that everything tasted really good. We chatted, switched funnies (I prefer the Entertainment Section), planned the rest of the day after the mob left for another celebration (family, "safe houses"). I lounged in the living room as he was a gracious, attentive gentleman. Suddenly he received a call. A storm had led to trees crashing into power lines. "Darla, Darling, stay put. I'll clean up. Please relax and do not under any circumstances stress or go into the kitchen. This is your day!" He raced out as if his hat were on fire! Until he got to the "scene" of the action, he kept calling to check on me and to be sure I was comfortable on the couch, relaxing, etc. After a while of watching METV Sunday Funnies, I decided to wander into the kitchen for a little more coffee. OMG!!!!!! I should have the kitchen cleaned up by Memorial Day if I work through it day and night! Happy Mother's Day!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief looked up from "The Wizard of Id" and asked what I was doing clicking away on the computer. I told him that if we are still "sheltering in place" I had to order the supplies I needed for my Masked Garden Gnomes. He kind of stifled a laugh, took a gulp of coffee and turned to "Blondie" as he said: "Darla, Darling, you have to use serious stuff for ceramic gnomes, weather proof paints. You have to order molds, all kinds of stuff. It'll cost a fortune! And the shipping! This project will cost you a fortune!
And, ya kinda know how this'll all turn out, ya know what I mean?" I pushed the lap top over to his side of the table and said: "Well, doubter...just click along, since you know so much about it, take out your card and figure it out. You are sooooooo much more capable than I! You show me like a He-Man Super Gnome Hero!" I hope our fair town doesn't have any emergencies today...He seems to be sitting in stony silence, shaking his head...for a long, long time.

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief commented that I have been silent about my rock garden for the past day or so. Without much enthusiasm I told him that I just might not be as enthused now as I was about the Garden Club or the Rock Garden or any outdoorsy stuff like that. Mr. Goodlawn has a handle on the neighborhood. Like the Landscaping Marshall of the neighborhood or something. The Chief said: "Darla, Darling, don't be down on yourself. It's not like you to hide in a deep void of defeat. I then was hit with inspiration! "Chief! I've got it! How about I begin designing, Pandemic Garden Gnomes! Colorful little ceramic guys wearing a variety of unique, one of a kind masks!" What did I say? What did I do? He has been sobbing for hours all over "Family Circus" and "The Lockhorns"

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief asked how my Rock Garden project was progressing. Give the man some extra donuts! I, frankly was impressed by his sensitivity and memory even though he asked through giggles at "The Lockhorns". So, I told him my latest idea: "Chief, I think that as you do your rounds, you might pick up a few interesting rocks. Just toss them in the cruiser and we can sort them before dinner!" He thoughtfully folded up "Peanuts" and responded: "Darla, Darling. The blockheads that I might have to pick up on a call do have rocks in their heads, or I wouldn't have to be called out to get them. It would be considered 'police brutality' if I shook them upside down to deposit those rocks! No can do!" Oh snap!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief sipped warily. I finally put down my blueprints and asked him why he was looking at me and not yucking it up with "Crankshaft". He rather cautiously said: "Well, Darla, Darling, you seem to be taking Mr. Goodlawn's assault on your w**d garden rather well. The mulch looks pretty nice out there. What d'ya have there?" I told that for a pillar of the community he isn't too quick off the mark.And: "My plans for my rock garden, silly! Is there a rock gardening society that you know of?" He quickly folded up "Family Circus" took a quick gulp of coffee, almost missed the table putting down his mug as he jumped off and said: "I'll take that under consideration...see ya!" Sometimes, that man is such a light weight!

After Streaming Mass, over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief looked up from "The Wizard of Id" and notice that I was leafing through an old geology book that I found under one of the kids' beds. "Darla, Darling, what are you doing? Is that a book about rocks?" Nothing gets by that guy. That's why the taxpayers of this fair town can sleep at night, I suppose. "Well, Chief, it's like this...Mr. Goodlawn next door really ruined my chances for The Garden Club!" The Chief looked almost compassionate, but not quite: "Well, Darla, Darling, you will buck up and focus on some other project, right? You never told me about that old rock book." I answered: "Oh, Chief, I'm over it. Never look back over your shoulder, or you will never see amazing possibilities in front of you." He shuddered. "So, tomorrow morning, I will begin designing my ROCK GARDEN!"

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief and I were startled by a knock at the door and a jovial: "Hey Darla, Darling, gotta talk to ya! I won't really come in, but no thanks necessary. I mean that's what neighbors do!" Hmmmm....the Chief stood behind me and said: "Go ahead, I've got your back." I slowly cracked the door and saw my neighbor, Mr. Goodlawn standing with such a broad smile, that I thought his ordinarily grouchy face would crack. He is nice, I suppose, but, I swear, he is a landscaping fanatic and always measuring his perfect, carpet looking lawn to be sure each blade of grass is uniform. "Hi, Mr. Goodlawn, what can I do for you?" He laughed and said: "Aw, honey, there's nothing I need you to do for me, but, I took care of all of those w**ds out there! Now, your cottage is pristine and beautiful! Curb appeal! I have ordered mulch - on me- to be delivered and spread. That's what friends do for friends!" Oh oh...oh no! I raced outside and saw my w**d garden in the back of a truck...like a hearse caring carnage!" Between my sobs, Police Chief stepped in and thanked him. To that Mr. Goodlawn said: "Hey Buddy, ya coulda helped the little lady out a little. No worries, I got it!" Oh snap!

Over morning coffee and the funnies, I plopped a wooden salad bowl onto the table. This jostled "Beetle Bailey"'s fan considerably. Police Chief looked up, quite startled (and this guy says that he's seen it all?) and said: "Darla, Darling, what are you doing with that?" I laughed and told him that when he's ready, I will use the bowl as a measuring tool to slap on his head to make sure that I give him an even hair cut. I accept walk ins, but if he would rather make an appointment, my book is open. He thoughtfully rubbed his chin, looked up from "Blondie" and slowly, quietly muttered: "Well, let's see. How about 3 PM on the THIRD Thursday of next week?" Wow, that man can run fast! He almost blew past his cruiser in the driveway for, to be kind, a hasty retreat.

Over morning coffee and the funnies, Police Chief mentioned that he thought that his hair was getting a little shaggy. I suppose an officer of the law does not really want to look like Alice Cooper back in the day. "Chief, my w**ds are doing nicely and don't need coddling today. I can give you a trim After all, a Domestic Diva can do it all! After your shift, I will make you look like a movie star!" He slowly put down "The Wizard of Id" and said: "W-e-l-l....I don't know about that, Darla, Darling." Hmmm. "Why not? I am a master of all that I undertake!" He snickered, and "Peanuts" had nothing to do with it. "I really don't want to take a stroll down memory lane recalling all of your misadventures. I just have a few reservations about this project." You know, I am a busy person and was beginning to lose my patience. "It's your choice, Chief! I can wield my scissors, or I can dig up a cute hair tie for a pony tail!" He said: "Let's see, I am free to hippie out or trust you with a sharp implement. Gotta go."