Mere Wonderings of Hope

Escapism.

You turn your favourite series on.
Your mind is a mess.
Your life is a mess.
Even your room is a mess.
But you indulge for 45 minutes and forget that.

Escapism.

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just didn't sleep well last night."

Escapism.

You go to bed.
Finally.
Your favourite part of the day.
All the voices get to sleep, although not so much with all the dreams lately.
You think of setting an alarm but..but you know, one more night's free sleep won't hurt, will it?

Escapism.

"Hey, are you fine? Can I call you?"
"Yeah, I'm good. I'm sorry but I'm busy right now, maybe sometime else."

Escapism.

You get home.
You're tired; physically, mentally, emotionally.
You're also hungry.
You deavour every last bit of the meals you've been trying to avoid.
Yet you enjoy every bite.
Till you're done eating.

Escapism.

You open the book you've been trying to read.
You read the lines over and over.
Nothing makes sense.
How does it seem so dull when only months ago you'd get lost in a book for hours?

Escapism.

Escapism. Escapism. Escapism.

What am I escaping? Where am I escaping to? And most of all, why am I escaping?

Artwork by: Gethin Oliver

You know, maybe you're not giving yourself a chance. Maybe if you open up your eyes a little more, you won't find life so cruel. If you just fully dive into the sunset's sky, or buy an ice-cream from that shop next door on your way home after a long day. If you joke with your mom and give her a hug before you go to work, or if you tell your co-worker how much you like her blouse. If you buy flowers for your partner on your way home, or make them a mixtape and see how hyped and in awe they would be. If you listen to that song that's been on your mind and indulge yourself in it, or watch that really cool movie before you go to sleep even if it will wake you up tired the next day. If you even drink really well and take care of your skin, or pet that cute dog in the street. If you hold your baby cousin and enjoy the purity of her utter youth. Infinite "if"s are all around us, and we know they're there and we know specifically which of them makes us happy, but we're too lazy to take that tiny step, and then the idea that life is cruel eats us up when, whether it'd be escapism or actual triumph over the supposed cruelty of life, you can do that stuff and have, even for just a tiny while, a lighter heart. So get up, put that bit of effort and give yourself the damn chance.

Artwork: Unknown

Do you ever, at your deepest moment of despair, remember for a second that in all the vastness of the universe, with all its stars and moons, you and all your troubles are close to nothingness? And dear, does that trouble you or does it make the pain fainter?

Artwork by: Unknown

So there it goes: you have a terrible day today, you hate yourself and everything that exists, you feel so purposeless and lost, it's suffocating you and you don't even know why. But here's the thing, the next day you feel kind of okay, maybe because of a talk with your mom or because of a nice movie that touches all those parts of your soul that for a very long time, no one else has dared to touch, or because the clouds were really pretty, and you couldn't help but make shapes out of them and wonder what science studies clouds, then the next day you may even feel really really good, and you get that realisation in the kitchen making your morning omlette while listening to the radio, or in your morning shower when you pretend to be Beyonce; that while just the day before yesterday you were so terribly down you thought it's the end of all days, well, now..you know, it's not that bad. You can breathe. And all the while that exact same day you begin to slightly regain that faith coincides with the day person X starts feeling terrible, and maybe also for no apparent reason at all. Is it the way things go, the invisible yet inevitable spiral of emotional change? One can only wonder. Yet with all my heart I hope that the cycle goes gently for you, that you don't get stuck in its endless loop, too trapped in your mind's web.

Artwork by: Anders Rokkum