The Slurred Bird
The Kansan's Most Trusted News Source To provide satirical humor within the context of themes associated with Lawrence, Kansas
Senior Really Looking Forward to Moving Back Home After Graduation
slurredbird.com “It’s a little disappointing that my opportunistic parents turned my bedroom into an office chock-full of our family’s memorabilia soon after I departed for college, but I’m fully confident that I’…
KU Voices: Japanese Hunters Kill 122 Pregnant Whales Last Summer
slurredbird.com A new report surfaced about the ‘abhorrent’ whaling program which resulted in over 120 pregnant whales being killed for research purposes. Currently there is a call for anti-whaling countries to se…
KU Voices: Starbucks Proudly Announces Company is No Longer Racist
slurredbird.com Kevin Johnson, the embattled Starbucks CEO who has been in the media’s crosshairs over the last several weeks after two African American men were arrested at one of its’ locations, announced this m…
KU Baseball Ends 12-Game Losing Streak By Finally Ending Season
slurredbird.com Hoglund Ballpark – “It’s been a rough few weeks as the losses piled on but now that the season is over and we no longer have to play, it really does feel like a win for us.” Scott Lesman, KU first …
MIZery Monday: KU Admissions Clerk Performs Daily Task of Shooing Hopeful Missouri Tigers off Property
slurredbird.com “It’s ultimately for the greater good which is why I consider it one of the most fulfilling tasks I’ve ever had the opportunity to perform,” stated biology major Frank Dobson who works part time in…
Despair, Wishful Thinking on Full Display at KU’s Last Spring Practice
slurredbird.com Memorial Stadium –Tens of people came from a mile or two to watch the spectacle that is Jayhawks football, and what they saw on Saturday was truly magnificent. “It’s always a good sign when it’s th…
Fire Alarm Excited About Seeing More Action During Finals Week
slurredbird.com Budig Hall – A reduction in fires during the cold winter months typically correlates to lowered fire alarm usage, but don’t tell that to those located around the KU campus. One fire alarm tol…
MIZery Monday: Mizzou Grad Dumbfounded to Find Human Inside Tiger Mascot
'Catching the Missouri Tiger taking a smoke break left an impression he would soon not forget'
slurredbird.com Columbia, MO – Although Mizzou fan Brian McGreary admitted to having seen his fair share of mascots through various sporting events, catching the Missouri Tiger taking a smoke break behind the stad…
Jayhawks Excited to Play Devry Institute of Technology in Upcoming Football Season
slurredbird.com Memorial Stadium – In light of the recent unveiling of the Jayhawks’ football schedule, speculation has now swirled around the reason behind adding Devry as an opponent for the upcoming footb…
Baby Jay Not a Fan of New Grooming Brush
"He really can be a vicious little bastard if you get near him with that brush"
slurredbird.com Robinson Hall – “Multiple times I’ve tried explaining that this is ultimately for his benefit and he still doesn’t seem to understand,” claimed Tyler Kline, Baby Jay’s senior groomer. “Walking him …
MIZery Monday: Sparks Fly When MU Student See’s Cousin on Campus
Because if Missouri was a day of the week, it would be Monday
slurredbird.com Columbia – As Lambert Figley made his way to his first class: The Joys of Hay, he noticed out of the corner of his eye a familiar figure. His heart began to race as he recognized this figure as his…
Coach Beaty Assures Not One Teensy-Weensy Bit of Talent Required to Make Football Roster
slurredbird.com Football Practice Field, Lawrence – “Seriously guys, we don’t have many options to be very competitive this year. I’m taking anybody that is remotely interested in the game of football. Although if…
KU Grows Enrollment for Sixteenth Straight Moon Rotation
slurredbird.com Visit the post for more.
KU Cross Country Runner Describes Personal Strategy of Quickly Putting One Foot in Front of the Other
slurredbird.com “Typically I run anywhere from 14 to 27 miles per day while trying to imagine myself being anywhere else” Karen Poley, a member of KU’s Cross Country team, stated during a recent interview. “Cross …
Bill Self Blamed As EPA Reports All Wildcats Are Now On Endangered Species List
slurredbird.com A newly-released report claims since the beginning of January, University of Kansas Head Basketball Coach Bill Self has slain more wildcats than anyone else in the history of basketball coaches. Th…
KU to Print 115,000 Fliers in Celebration of Earth Day
slurredbird.com Strong Hall – Student Body President Cody Broughman answered questions from reporters about the message the University of Kansas was sending regarding Earth Day. “Earth day is the time we remember …
I predict KU will again be placed in the toughest bracket tonight that will probably include the likes of Duke, UCLA, Louisville, Cleveland Cavaliers, and the Monstars
Male Stubbornness Proves New Contraceptive Pill For Men Was A Complete Waste Of Scientific Research
slurredbird.com University of Kansas Medical Center – As researchers conclude a 10 year project in creating a contraceptive pill for men, a new study finds that the research has been a complete waste of time…
That's a sweep!
Entire Iowa State Basketball Team Set To Retire After Ending KU’s 54-Game Home Win Streak
"Honestly, there isn’t a damn thing left for me to do with my life anymore..."
slurredbird.com “This win in Lawrence is the absolute pinnacle of my career and there really isn’t anything left for a college basketball team to accomplish.” claimed an enthusiastic Steve Prohm, head basketball c…
Bill Self Blamed As EPA Reports All Wildcats Are Now On Endangered Species List
slurredbird.com A newly-released report claims since the beginning of January, University of Kansas Head Basketball Coach Bill Self has slain more wildcats than anyone else in the history of basketball coaches. Th…
It's good to be hated
Rock Chalk!!
True.
Report: Students More Likely To Land Job With High School Diploma Than Any Degree From Mizzou
slurredbird.com A new study finds those who graduate high school are 100% more likely to find a job than with any official degree from The University of Missouri. Gene Freely, program manager for a hiring firm, su…
Dick Vitale Picks Duke When Asked Which Big 12 Team Has Best Chance To Win National Title
slurredbird.com Famous sportscaster and basketball analyst Dick Vitale announced this morning that Duke is the Big 12 team that is best suited to win the NCAA National Championship. “It’s Duke all the way baby. Th…
KU Linebacker Worried Ladies Only Into Him Because Of Promising Future In Canadian Minor League
slurredbird.com Darius Williamson told reporters on Wednesday “I’m beginning to doubt ladies’ intentions because of my status as a KU football player. I get that I’m projected as a high prospect in the minor leagu…
Tiger Flop: MIZZOU Cheerleaders Misspell ‘GO TIGERS’ With ‘UTENSIL’
slurredbird.com A basketball game between the University of Missouri Tigers and the Lipscomb Bison began with mass confusion as it was reported that the Missouri cheerleaders could not comprehend the spelling of t…
KU’s Frank Mason Credits Basketball Skill To Past Experience As A Professional Backyard Wrestler
slurredbird.com With only a handful of games played this season, point guard Frank Mason from The University of Kansas is already being widely talked about as a potential front-runner for Big 12 Player Of The Year…
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Biggest Regret For Incumbent Chancellor Gray-Little Was Losing Bid For Lawrence To Host 2024 Olympic Games
slurredbird.com Arguing that Lawrence is a robust location for summer sports, University of Kansas Chancellor Bernadette Gray-Little remained steadfast that there was no credible reason why the Olympic Games could…
Happy Birthday Coach!
Anti-Spanking Teacher Rethinking Stance After Child Presses All Buttons In Elevator
slurredbird.com Fraser Hall – Anthropology Professor Robert Fritt spoke to reporters about his wavering support of disciplining children without the use of physical contact. “When I stepped onto the elevator I fou…
Fire Alarms Excited About Seeing More Action During Finals Week
"Our locations are strategically placed that should benefit most students should they need us. If not, we recommend using a bomb threat as another, effective measure such the need to arise to bail on taking their final."
slurredbird.com Budig Hall – A reduction in fires during the cold winter months typically correlates to lowered fire alarm usage, but don’t tell that to those located around the KU campus. One fire alarm sta…
Jayhawks Fan Has Serious Doubts Of Season After Defeating UMKC By Only 43 Points
“It’s really unfortunate how we played tonight and we had better come prepared when we face..."
slurredbird.com Allen Fieldhouse – Charles Mint couldn’t contain his disappointment after the Kansas Jayhawks basketball team beat UMKC 105-63. “We shouldn’t have let them score more than 50 points. In fact we sho…
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