Zwift News Network

ZNN has just learned that "Prime Minister" is not a cannibalistic cut of meat but is in fact a former job title of a man whose parents were so poor they could afford no better name than "Boris".

We're not sure what this has to do with Zwift, but rest assured we'll find out.

BREAKING: ZHQ announces mass layoffs and pivot of corporate strategy days after retirement. “What’s the point?” said one staffer, speaking under the condition of anonymity, “What’s Zwift without a Zwiftcast?”

Road Grand Tours debuts new "WahooRGT" branding on social media today following their acquisition by the cycling technology and accessory manufacturer.

"We're excited to bring dozens of new customers to the Wahoo family" said a spokesperson.

BREAKING: Elon Musk buys twitter for $44bn, prompting rumors of an acquisition of by Jeff Bezos. (But not the Jeff Bezos you're thinking of.)

Zwift team shocked to learn that 30 is not the same as 100; after experiencing ridicule for announcing a 30 day long 100 day challenge.

“Maybe this is why our code is so buggy?” said one anonymous developer, “You think numbers matter in code, too?”

What a great run this has been! As you’ve probably noticed, ZNN has been active less and less. An opportunity came up this week that I couldn’t pass up. The Twitter handle has been sold to the Peloton corporation for an undisclosed sum. Thanks for all the laughs!

ZNN had planned to release an article today about the rise and fall of Peloton. How an innovative startup ignored customer demands and the core product and invested more heavily into marketing and creating new features rather than solving problems for existing users.

However, breaking news has forced us to shelve that Pulitzer-grade piece of work to bring you a special report.

“Zwift advertises feature that doesn’t exist to market to potential customers rather than address the needs and wants of actual users”.

We caught up with Zwift’s Senior-Under-Over-Vice-Associate President of Creating the Committees who form the Committees who decide whether the Committee can prioritize development features, who had this to say:

“We realize that the so-called ‘Ride-On Bomb’ feature isn’t particularly interesting in a free ride but makes a lot of sense in a group ride” he said, on the condition of anonymity.

“But actually making it work would require literally minutes of development time so we decided an advertisement showing a ride-on bomb during a group ride was just as good as producing a game that actually had that feature.”

Zwift announces discontinuation of support for ancient operating systems citing hampered development progress.

Zwifters hope this excised developmental dead weight will prompt an overhaul of the equally ancient Zwift UI.

🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩Zwift’s social media managers 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

Zwift competitor CVRCade teases 9th launch in 3 years with a new version abandoning all the principles of the old version. Instead, this version appears to add useful features and pleasant graphics.

Hey guys remember this funny joke from March 2020?

Haha. It was funny.

Remember?

🤐

ZNN reached out to Zwift PR today to discuss rumors that they may be paying off journalists in exchange for favorable press.

Our reporting found this to be false. Zwift's rapid pace of development and exquisite product are all that's coming out of Long Beach.

BREAKING: attempts, poorly, to enter into the Zwift satire race.

“There’s like one competitor who never shows up anyway” said Eric Schlange (pronounced Shlangie), “And worst case scenario we still win silver.”

Zwift releases latest update announcing new features, an updated user interface, a more efficient game engine and support for greater user customizability.

LOL jk.

Civil litigation and fitness company Peloton announces karmic recall of their treadmill product.

“After a lengthy discussion about whether killing children was a bad thing, we came to the conclusion that it could be bad for business.”

CVRCade announces diversification attempt, entering into the field of aviation to supplement the virtual cycling business. Leaked photos show the first CVRPlane, which the company hopes will be available for sale by year end.

Container ship blocking Suez Canal blamed for the delay of features promised by Zwift. “A refreshed HUD and native group support were on that ship”, said a person familiar with Zwift’s logistics team.

Zwift announces MASSIVE new update; fixing a single bug. Representing the most significant change in the software in nearly 18 months.

BREAKING: Canyon extends restriction against use of their bikes indoors to include outdoors as well.

Zwift PR takes to social media to issue an apology after a rogue social post erroneously implied innovation and improvement.

ZNN news anchors scrambling after an error in translation caused our newsroom to anticipate a brave new era in cycling politics over in America.

“We thought they said President Bidon” said one recently-fired reporter.

Reports out of Washington on the eve of the inauguration point to President-Elect Biden, an accused Peloton user, being unable to bring his Peloton into the White House per US security protocols.

The Secret Service is expected to evaluate whether it’s possible to ride a bicycle without being connected to the internet with a microphone and we**am.

Thousands of horrified Zwifters awoke yesterday to see no updated course schedule for January; defaulting to a month of Richmond. As despite hundreds of employees and a billion dollar market valuation, updating the calendar was a goal Zwift was unable to accomplish before years end.

“It’s been fixed” says Zwifter I. P. Freely, “Which is a relief. I mean I’m just going to ride Watopia every day anyway but still.”

“Also it’s weird that ‘course calendar’ is still a thing.”

“Remember when we were growing?” Asks company courting new investors in an e-mail sent to subscribers.

After 9 months without significant updates despite astronomical growth in new riders, Zwift makes MAJOR announcement:

The next major Zwift event is the old Zwift event!

Long-term subscribers expected to be told into which or***ce to shove their disappointment soon.

Stop.

Bluetooth device links Peloton bikes with Zwift cycling platform The Peloton stationary bike and the Zwift online cycling platform have both become quite popular, yet they're not entirely compatible with one another. That's where the Shift Smart Trainer comes in, as it acts as a resistance-adjusting bridge between the two.

Zwift upper management spoke with Bloomberg News today in a no-holds-barred all access interview covering hardware, finances, organizational structure changes. “Software didn’t really come up” said a Bloomberg spokesperson. “It just didn’t seem relevant.”

Happy Thanksgiving to our American friends!

We’re celebrating in the ZNN offices today alongside our friends at Zwift. Today represents the largest and most successful Zwift thanksgiving ride to date.

Stocks are rallying over in the U.S., responding to news of a possible COVID-19 vaccine. Conversely stocks in indoor-cycling juggernaut Peloton have plummeted, prompting rare joint statement from Zwift and Peloton.

"You realize that there's no vaccine for winter, right?"

BREAKING: CADESport claims victory over Zwift, citing fraudulent users. “The vast majority of users are merely ANT+ simulators” said the company’s spokesperson. “If you only count LEGITIMATE users, we’re the most popular video game on earth!”

Man who exclaimed “Could 2020 get any worse?” In late summer blamed for the resurrection of CVRCade as CadeSport.

Analysts STUNNED to learn Zwift's $450m investment was NOT earmarked for core product.

"A tech company entering textiles is a game changer" said one. "Re-purposing tech employees and training them to knit 'Zweaters', brilliant."

Orange Zwift-Sweaters will launch "soon".

Investor, Philantropist, T-Shirt wearer and worlds first Zwillionaire, Eric “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems” Min claims Zwifters can expect new features and improvements in the coming months.

“That’s literally how software development works” he said in an exclusive interview with ZNN.

Zwift receives $450 million USD bounty payment pushing market valuation near one billion dollars. Analysts are hoping this final payment will be sufficient to release captive Zwifters trapped within the current UI.

Zwift announces first ever eSports event following its 12 last first ever eSports events. “We’re proud to hold the first ever eSports cycling championship for the 3rd time” said ZEO Eric “Not Frank” Min.

Tour de France event on Zwift deploys exactly as expected by Zwift fans.

We spoke with famed Ophthalmologist Dr. I. C. Poorly about rumour that Zwift may function as an at-home vision test.

“Absurd to think that, it’s a rumour at best” he said. “Outdoor night rides to public attractions are the only approved home vision test. Everybody knows that.”

BREAKING: Business world shocked by strange and unexpected merger as finance giant Intuit acquires Tacx from Garmin for an undisclosed sum of clog polishing oil.

Announcing the merger, Intuit teases new promo featuring both companies:

“Get TurboTax free with every Tacx Turbo”.

Zwiftcast continues COVIDemic series of weekly episodes.

Speaking anonymously in a golden British accent, one unnamed Zwiftcaster said, "We all know that ZNN is the premier source of Zwift related news, but we hope that this weekly format will cement our rightful second place."