Living After Cancer

Yesterday I had a mammogram that found a tiny (probably benign!) mass.

But that doesn’t mean it didn’t scare the 💩 out of me lolll.

Even when they tell me it’s probably benign I still question whether it truly is because of everything I’ve been through. 7 years ago, I went to the doctor about a seemingly “normal” mole. He thought it looked good and wasn’t much to worry about. I chose to biopsy it anyway. It turned out to be Melanoma.

Today I’m having a breast MRI to triple check everything in there. I’m sure it’ll be fine 🙃

PS I usually do a mammo + breast MRI 1x/year because I’m considered high risk after the total body irradiation.

My hip has been pretty painful lately so I’m getting an MRI with anesthesia today to find out why 😇

My guess is that my AVN (avascular necrosis) is getting worse. So far, it has caused pain everywhere in my body but it has only caused collapse in three joints which I’ve since replaced - both elbows and my left shoulder.

My lower body hadn’t been impacted as much until the last few years. At least, it hadn’t been as big of a problem.

PS High dose steroids during/after my cancer caused the AVN, for anyone wondering!

We’ll see what the results say 🙏🏼

Happy National Cancer Survivors Day! 🎗️

Today is to celebrate all of those who are fighting, have survived, or have passed from cancer.

In other words, if you’ve heard the words “you have cancer” before, this day is for you.

Cancer survivorship sometimes feels harder than cancer itself (at least for me), so take a moment and celebrate all you’ve accomplished to be here today. You’re pretty badass.

Take a shot or eat some cake, you deserve it kings and queenz 🥳

Learning to be more comfortable in my own skin 🥹🤍

For those of you who don’t know, cancer treatment destroyed my body. My skin was so thin on steroids that it would quite literally rip apart when touched. The skin on my upper arms was so thin that water would seep through them (due to all the extra water weight).

I thought I looked like a monster, unwomanly, and was terrified for others to see me in a bathing suit. I would get stared at. I felt like a circus animal. It hurt, a lot.

But now, with the help of the people I love, I have begun to see the beauty in my scars. They represent my strength and everything I overcame (and continue to).

I’m proud of my body and what it has done for me. I won’t say that I’m 100% confident now but I’m working on it and I’ll be posting more pics like these to prove it to myself ☺️

Thanks for being there for me through this hard as hell journey 🙏🏼🤍

I left the house this weekend so here’s some proof 😅

I work from home so during the week so I almost never get to leave the house unless I have physical therapy but weekends are my time to shine ✨

It’s the last day of Adolescent and Young Adult (AYA) Cancer Week🎗️🎉, covering those aged 15-39. It’s a time to reflect, having been diagnosed at 15 myself.

AYA cancer comes with its unique challenges:
💔 Long-term physical and mental health issues caused by treatments.
💔 The psychosocial struggles, including feelings of isolation, loneliness, and falling behind peers.
💔 The burden of financial strain from ongoing medical expenses and lost opportunities in education and employment.
💔 And the countless other hurdles faced on this journey.

Let’s take this time to celebrate the resilience and courage of AYA cancer warriors and the incredible support network surrounding us—friends, family, caregivers, medical professionals, and everyone in between 🙏🏼. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.

Feeling extra grateful 🥰.

PS - a gentle reminder not to overlook your annual health checks. Early detection can significantly alter the course of treatment, opening up a broader range of options and greatly improving survival rates.

Prioritize your health; the benefits are immeasurable 🌸.

Just some thoughts that will hopefully remind you that things do get better 🌸

I thought about this yesterday. After I survived cancer, I was severely depressed. Sounds weird? Like, I should be happy.

But I wasn’t myself after I survived. The treatment paralyzed me, made me completely bed bound, 160 pounds on steroids with a balloon face, caused severe chronic pain all over, and so much more. Oh, and I was in diapers! (The most difficult part for me)

It took almost an hour just to get me from the bed and into the car! So leaving the house (or the bed) was rare.

What probably hurt the most was that most of my friends eventually disappeared. I was soooo lonely.

I remember having thoughts that I wished the doctors had just let me die.

Flash forward a few (anguishing) years… and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Not on steroids anymore, 12 orthopedic surgeries later which have reduced my pain, I have a loving boyfriend, no longer in diapers, and just doing my thang. I even work 🥳

Never did I think this would be my future. That I could be truly happy! And I didn’t even mention half of how bad it was.

I hope this helped remind you of what can be. If you’re in the thick of it, keep going. Take things day by day because your future will be just as bright ☀️

Always here if you wanna talk or make a new friend 🤍

When I was 15 years old, I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It was my second week of high school.

I went through 8 intense rounds of chemotherapy and lived almost entirely in the hospital. After finishing chemo, I was so happy to finally get my life back but, unfortunately, I relapsed almost immediately.

I moved across the world to NYC where I received life saving total body irradiation and a cord blood stem cell transplant. However, the treatment was so aggressive that it paralyzed me from the waist down. I lived in an isolated hospital room for 10 months and relied entirely on a wheelchair for three years.

To this day, almost 13 years later, I suffer from long term side effects from the treatment. I’ve underwent 12 orthopedic surgeries to replace joints and fix what cancer caused. I still can’t walk alone. I was diagnosed with a secondary cancer, Melanoma. My thyroid, fertility, nerves, bones, and so much more have all been permanently affected by everything I went through. Not to speak of the mental health side effects.

Everyone assumes that once cancer is over, life goes back to normal. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Cancer wreaks havoc on every part of a person’s life. Only naturally, it changes you forever.

For so long, I truly believed I was the only person going through all of this until I found my community here on social media (that I will forever be grateful for). I decided to share all the beautiful and uncomfortable intimacies of my life on this page so that other survivors would know that they’re not alone, either.

Today is 🎗For anyone ever diagnosed with cancer, whether still in treatment or 40 years out, this day is for you. You’re freaking amazing. You’re a unique breed but you’re definitely not alone. If you ever need to talk or just want a new friend, I’ll always be here 🌸

**kcancer

It’s been almost 20 years since we met and instantaneously became best friends. We’ve been through everything together, from devastating hardships to overwhelming joys. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Love you forever ♾

Very thankful for my incredible friends and family that make 29 that much sweeter 🍰🥰

#29

My wonderful Saba passed away yesterday unexpectedly at the young age of 88 🥺💔

My grandpa was a very special person. He was young at heart and full of life until the very end. He was smart and funny and I honestly can’t believe he’s gone.

I hope we meet again one day.

I love you, Saba 🤍🕊

Here for my mammogram and breast ultrasound today 👏🏼

Total body irradiation with a boost to the chest means that I need to have yearly mammograms and ultrasounds for the rest of my life.

Radiation ☢️ can lead to secondary cancers such as breast, skin, and more. It already caused Melanoma in me so we do everything we can to detect and prevent further diagnoses. Today’s tests are for my breasts :)

Tomorrow is March 1st so this is your reminder to “feel it on the first!” and do your monthly self exam!

**kcancer

The last two weeks I’ve been in NY going to follow up after follow up 🥲 plz disregard the mask situation here btw, I was so tired this morning

It’s been a rough couple weeks, ngl. I’ve had so many appointments - one of which was to follow up on a new autoimmune disorder diagnosis that I received a few weeks ago. I want to find out if that’s really what I’m suffering from or not (because of everything I’ve been through, it’s very tricky to properly diagnose me).

Today, I had an endoscopy/colonoscopy which I was soooo nervous for (thanks ptsd) but it actually went really smoothly. The doctor found 4 small polyps which she removed and biopsied and I’ll hear more about them next week.

On Monday, I have a mammogram and breast ultrasound that I need to have yearly because of the treatment that I had for my leukemia. It’s just routine to make sure everything is clean.

I’ve had so much more going on than just that but I don’t have the energy to type it.

I hope this is a reminder for you guys to schedule your yearly check-ups! Sending you all my love 🤍

**kcancer

I fed giraffes 🦒🥺🥰

Jon took me to the zoo today so I could decompress after a difficult new diagnosis yesterday 🥺. As you guys may remember, I’ve been in a lot of pain (more-so than usual) the last few months.

I went to a new rheumatologist that diagnosed me with a new condition but I won’t even discuss it here yet until I see a second and probably third opinion. Because of my complicated history, getting a wrong diagnosis is REALLY easy so I need confirmation from multiple doctors before I agree to take new medications known to have difficult side effects.

My anxiety has been 📈 since all of this started. I literally had a panic attack while the doctor was explaining the diagnosis 🥲. Hoping to speak to more experts who are used to treating patients with a similar history to me soon! If anyone has an excellent rheumatologist to recommend, please let me know! 🙏🏼

**kcancer

Cancer is fear, pain, loss of identity, disability, trauma, fatigue, tears, and so much more. This is cancer, and no human should ever have to experience it.

Today is World Cancer Day 🌎 - a day meant to inspire us to raise awareness and help prevent, detect, and treat this deadly disease. According to the National Cancer Institute, 40% of people will develop cancer during their lifetimes. That’s over 1 in 3 people! 🤯

Today, I am asking you to share something that will help spread awareness for this deadly disease. I am also asking that you schedule your yearly check ups ASAP! I know it can be a hassle but, I promise, it’ll be worth it. You don’t need to be sick to see your doctor!

Now let’s cure this damn thing 👊🏼🎗

Hey everyone! Some updates since it’s been a while:

I’ve been doing alright! Been really focused on getting through the anxiety and nightmares and everything else PTSD related. It’s been scary tbh and part of the anxiety comes from the fear of the actual anxiety which really doesn’t help. But reminding myself that I can get through it is key. Nothing lasts forever so it WILL end and it’s just a matter of letting it pass through. Once I accept it, it’s actually not that scary.

In other news, as some of you know, I received my bachelor’s degree a year or two ago (who remembers haha thanks covid) but have been dealing with surgery after surgery after complication and therefore had to put life on hold. I’ve decided I’m finally ready to go back to school (even tho recovery will never be over). Soooo…. I’ve started a UI/UX bootcamp! It’s all about the design of a product/website/app so that the user finds it delightful, easy to use, and intuitive. It’s a lot more intricate than it sounds. It’s intense but I’m loving it so far. I’m super excited to have something to focus on while I continue on my healing journey.

If any of you are in the UX/UI field and have any advice, I’m all ears 😁

**kcancer

Not me smiling like I didn’t have a super intense panic attack/mental breakdown yesterday for hours straight and am still trying to keep it at bay 💩

PTSD really has its ups and downs. One day you think you’re past certain traumas and the next day they float right back to the surface and explode. But that’s all part of healing. It’s not linear. You can feel terrible and STILL be healing.

The truth is that you’ll probably feel even worse while you heal because exposing a lot of painful traumas that have possibly been suppressed for a while hurts. But after you do the work, the feeling is freeing. You can finally breathe again. The fog is gone.

It’s not easy and there’s no quick fix but you are important. Never give up on yourself. You are worthy of healing. And the only way out is through.

You are not alone. You can do this.

**kcancer

Thinking about how thankful I am to be back in Florida and enjoying this warm weather 🌞 I’m just naturally happier when the sun is shining.

Flying back and forth between NY and Miami for all of my appointments has been exhausting but I finally have a little break and I’m exciteedddd for it 💃

**kcancer

Who else actually asks for five blankets every time they’re in the hospital? It’s frreeeeeezzzing up in here ❄️

Here getting therapeutic phlebotomy again today. So far we’ve almost reached our goal of 400 cc (even took a little more) 👏🏼

By the way, I got the results back from the biopsy a few weeks ago and it’s benign! They want to remove it completely to be safe though so I need to be scheduled for the excision.

Grateful for everything 🤍

This wheelchair is my hell but also my freedom.

Over the last month or two I’ve had some symptoms that have been affecting my balance and making it more difficult to walk.

Even tho I’ve referred to myself as disabled for many years now, it seems I haven’t fully accepted it yet. Lately, I’ve been feeling inferior when I’m in a chair or holding an assistive device. I don’t feel “good enough” and also as if I haven’t tried hard enough to be “normal” - (I know this couldn’t be farther from the truth).

I’ve been grieving the girl I wish I could have become: a healthy, able-bodied girl who could climb mountains, wear heels, run marathons, and change the world. Instead, at times, I just feel useless. A burden to my loved ones.

I know that accepting my disability and grieving the old me, along with the me I could’ve become, is most likely a very long process. Possibly a never ending one. However, I’m also aware of my strength and my ability to overcome obstacles that are thrown at me. So I’ll never stop fighting. Whether that’s fighting to survive or to fully love and accept myself the way that I am. Because disabled and all, I’m grateful and happy I’m me.

Just here to say hi!

Getting some biopsy results tomorrow of the birthmark I posted about a few weeks ago FINALLY. Very ready to rid myself of some anxiety 🙏🏼

Also happy last night of Hanukkah to those who celebrate! 🕎

**kcancer

Rolled up to the family room on Thanksgiving like ..

Hahah jk didn’t dress up this year but still felt fly 🔥

PS my therapist told me I’m funny and I said “it’s the trauma, baby” - true story

**kcancer

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone ❤️

Please know that if you’re struggling during this time, you’re not alone.

The holidays can be difficult for so many. I know, for me, they’re especially hard because I feel inadequate for being unable to help with much of anything. Because of my fatigue, I get drained pretty quickly and would be too tired to be apart of the celebrations if I was expected to cook or clean. Of course, it also makes me feel like a burden and not to mention even less of a woman.

If you’re in the same boat, you are enough. Your worth does not equal how much you can “pitch in” over the holidays. Your loved ones WANT you sitting at the table with them. Please don’t feel guilty.

For anyone struggling (with this or in general), I’m always here to talk 🙏🏼

**kcancer

In NY for Thanksgiving! ☺️

Visiting some doctors to figure out where my symptoms have been coming from since my lab results came back all strange. Are those results related or not at all? Nobody knows lol

My doctor agrees that I am very confusing [medically lmao]. Hoping to hear back from her soon to hear what next steps are. Sometimes just managing care with so many doctors is the hardest part but she’s basically handling this so I’m very grateful 🤍

**kcancer

An old pic I found from the chemo days 🥺

I found a bunch more but they’re much more difficult for me to look at so I figured I’d share them when I’m ready. In other news, I’ve been feeling so off for weeks now. I went to the ER last week to see why I’ve been struggling to walk (like my head is spinning? I can’t explain it), having lots of joint pain, and superrrrr fatigued, amongst other things.

Blood work came back from the admission yesterday and confused me even more. I need to see more doctors to help me figure it out but I’m really hoping it just passes soon. Quality of life has been pretty 💩

Flying now to NY to be with family for Thanksgiving and see some doctors 🙏🏼

Happy weekend! ❤️

**kcancer

Went to the ER the other day to get MRIs of my brain since my head has been spinning which, in turn, has made it difficult for me to walk.

We’ve been waiting to get the MRIs because I need to do them with anesthesia (thanks PTSD). Just being in the hospital triggers my anxiety lately.

Hoping the MRI shows nothing and it’s just side effects of meds or something “simple” like that.

Anyways I’ll see y’all when I wake up! Going in! 🤟🏼

**kcancer

An extremely difficult and triggering post that has taken me years to discuss publicly..

I always see friends posting about how incredible their healthcare team has been, how much they loved their nurses, their doctors, and how much they miss them.

Yes, 100%, I’ve had some INCREDIBLE nurses, doctors, therapists, PA’s, and more that I have loved and am extremely grateful for. I thank the universe for them everyday. However, at the same time, I’ve also experienced many that hurt me, caused me suffering, and even physical harm.

One component of my PTSD stems from healthcare professionals that abused their position of power. I’ve had individuals purposely maltreat me when I was incapacitated. I’ve had a doctor who played a huge role in my treatment and care (I won’t mention names), who not only emotionally abused me constantly, but also medicated me according to their “hatred” for me. I believe one reason for the abuse was that I wasn’t healing from the cancer “fast enough” so they had to blame me rather than themselves (even tho it was nobody’s fault). That person was unwell but that hasn’t changed the impact it has had on me.

I haven’t even begun to describe the harm that individuals in powerful positions have caused me. That’s not even 1% of it. This is extremely hard to write about yet alone post publicly (I’m literally shaking), but I’ve known for a while that it needs to be heard.

This started when I was a teenager. And I will never be able to forget the fear I felt and still feel every single time I enter a hospital. Not only for the obvious reasons of enduring difficult procedures, but also for not being sure if you can trust the people that hold your life in their hands.

(Continued in the comments)

Going to appointments and running errands like a sweet lil girl while blasting gangsta hood muzik cuz I’m a thug 😭😂🥰

I know I’m not the only one..

**kcancer

It’s therapeutic phlebotomy day! 🩸

As usual, I’m the only patient in my hospital that gets it done via the port so I’ve been waiting forever for the nurses to get approval to begin the process. It takes so much patience to have any sort of medical issues.

Halfway through writing this they got approval and phlebotomy itself actually went much faster than usual! Very grateful that I didn’t clot 100 times and need to be re-accessed 🙏🏼 also not to mention that my nurse was a SWEETHEART and helped me relax when I started to get anxious. And, of course, my mama’s support was unmatched 🤍 so thankful she could be with me.

Headed back home to relax because the next few days are gonna be a little rough. I become anemic and am extra weak for a few days following phlebotomy.

Happy almost weekend ☺️

**kcancer

Today I had a mole biopsied to check for cancer - waiting for my results which will take around a week 😣

Although it looked normal and healthy, it had some recent changes which included scabbing and sensitivity (pain). In the past, I had a completely healthy looking mole that also scabbed over - it turned out to be melanoma then so I wanted to be extra safe and have it checked out this time.

The thing about having cancer once is that fear of recurrences forever haunt you. I had a tiny mole biopsied today and instead of continuing with my day as if nothing happened, I feel like I need ativan just to function while I wait for the results. Every time we get a simple headache we think to ourselves, is it back? Are we sick again?

To anyone out there struggling with this fear, today or any day, you’re not alone.

F**k cancer🖕🏼you’re never gonna win

**kcancer