My relationship with Crystal

A battle won and a love now tainted by traumatic situations now lost and not tempted to find.

I was begging on the phone to the man I devoted my love to just only a few months prior. I begged for forgiveness, reason, to free me from a sickness of addiction, anything to possibly turn back time?
"I almost wish you WERE cheating on me!" He yelled at me wish pure hate and malice heard within his tone of voice. The words spoken at me hit me hard and rattled through me like an earthquake.
If I couldn't seem help in the father of my child and now husband, who could I feel comfortable enough to open up to or even to confess to? I was completely alone and judged as an undesirable who was not worth the air others breathed. I was a worthless ju**ie who left her son. How was society going to look at me? I had difficulties facing myself let alone expect any better from others.
I was contemplating su***de. I had nothing to live for. I had just lost everything I had in a short period of time, 48 hours of 24 years of life. How was I ever going to come back from such a dramatic ending.
I was lost.

The past is behind you. Today is a day without mistake or error. Tomorrow will never arrive.
Just for today.

How long does an addict have to stay clean or how many friends do we have to drop and forget in order to be accepted? Havent we put ourselves through enough?

The hardest part of addiction, especially during recovery and remission, is the every day battle within yourself not to use.

My addiction is absolutely putrid but you have no idea the putrid things that drove me to use in the first place. Some of those same putrid things that drove me to addiction assisted with payment to support my addiction. I was using my traumatic experience to pay for the thing that destroyed me and using the thing that destroyed me to cure my traumatic memories from past experiences.
I was in a constant battle within myself and began to frequently contradict myself. I split into two separate altar ego's and those altar ego's split personality, also causing an uncontrollable caos within my already mentally ill mind. I became a train wreck of debaucherous desires and psychotic pleasures with a side of party enhancing substance salesperson also formally known as a "hot mess". The pressure of everything going on within my dramatic attracting life became too overwhelming and although I was an unstructured, shameless, intoxicated without responsibility or appropriate form of support; I still remained to uphold my persuasive, permissive personality and admirably attractiveness.
I was a perfect borderline personality mix according to the psychological experts who had me captured and incredibly sedated me by forcing pharmaceutical issued drugs upon me in order to stay content and walk around in a chemical infused drone zone. I had no control of anything I did because my rights were stripped when I admitted I was incapable of acting and thinking like a mentally stable human. Now all destructive distractions were removed I had time to mend myself. Starting with resolving the reasons from my past causing my current addiction.

Life is like a flat tyre.
Without change you cannot move farward. Yes you may find yourself miles down the road with, yet another, flat tyre however it never stopped you before. Simply stop and change and move on.
Remember this is your journey foward, there is no reverse and you are in full control.
It isn't easy. Believing YOU CAN is the most powerful motivation an addict can have. Change for the better you.

Battling a drug addiction is a beast for the person addicted and the ones who love them. So l am asking you to stand with me in support for every family member and friend who has lost their battle with drugs and those who continue to conquer it! Put this on your page for one hour if you know someone who has or had an addiction. Many will be hesitant to copy and paste this. I did, will you?

Questioning myself and who I am beneath the addict stigma. I have to prepare myself to be able to hold my head high in public but unfortunately sometimes I fail and allow anxiety to consume me which results in me having a negative image upon myself. Every action and word spoken is also questioned as I am afraid of coming across as "off my face" or "fried". My anxiety and pure hate for who I have become eats me every day I wake because of a stigma created by those who know nothing but how to be ignorant of reality and sickness.

Im in a constant battle with my mind, body and the judgmental eyes of those who don't understand that, although I chose to pick up, I never chose to be who I have become. I never chose to struggle with the pain and emptiness of losing everything I worked hard for in a materialistic sense or what I created; including my adorable, naturally beautiful souled son and now ex husband or friendships.
This is my 8th time in attempting to get rid of the life destructive drug. I should be proud but how can I be when I hear "you'll relapse again" or comments like "it's only a matter of time".
I never lied, stole, ripped off people or hurt anybody other than myself in order for a hit. I always remained honest and open about my addiction in order for those who wish to be free from the hold of addiction to be able to take the right steps in recovery. But unfortunately I was naive and I was forced to face society with shame and deep resentment for my mistake. For that alone I isolate myself and punish myself by abusing myself in unbelievably insane ways of torture.
Nobody remembers the happy, healthy, intelligent young wife and mother who worked hard to keep a household running smoothly as well as working as a qualified and dedicated children and families educator. All they see is a worthless piece of s**t!

I would attend meetings, sitting within a room filled with other people who suffer from addiction and all I could think about was my next fix and getting high. It wasn't until I was sitting at my dealers house that all I could do was think about getting clean.
When I was high I felt uncomfortable showing my face and stick figure body out in public eye. When I was home I felt uncomfortable with being alone with my thoughts.
I couldn't even contact others I once considered friends, couldn't possibly contact family either for I knew their opinions on the subject of my debaucherous lifestyle and those opinions were far from positive. The negative comments were based on a few local users around my hometown and in no way directly directly towards me personally however the comments made it extremely difficult to reach out for help.
The longer I didn't speak out about my addiction the more I would isolate myself away to reduce the uncomfortable feeling that causes me to become anxious that usually resulted in me using a larger quantity of m**h leading me to spiral downwards into a big dark hole of mental illness. I was only left with myself now.
The feeling of loneliness consumed me while I sat alone inhaling the one thing that was there through it all, Crystal. After a few days of only listening to the thoughts that rambled and echoed loudly within my mind I was also suffering from the pain of not consuming anything at all. This was the point where I had no need to come out and admit to my addiction because it was as clear as the shard I pumped my frail body with. This was also the first time someone made a comment on my weight... or lack of. There it was, that same feeling of being uncomfortable and the fear of judgment just adding to mix of emotions along with anxiety and for the first time I was ashamed of everything I was slowly becoming.

Isn't it ironic how we use and abuse drugs in order to feel alive yet the same drugs end up killing us. 💉

The future of a m**h addict

Battling a drug addiction is a beast for the person addicted and the ones who love them. So l am asking you to stand with me in support for every family member and friend who has lost their battle with drugs and those who continue to conquer it! Put this on your page for one hour if you know someone who has or had an addiction. Many will be hesitant to copy and paste this but I didnt

M**h mouth

Although the letter is focused on a daughter addicted to Herion it still applies to all those who suffer from drug addiction in general.

A Letter to My He**in Addict Daughter Dear Daughter, I have lost you. Gone is the baby girl I held in my arms while whispering words of adoration. Gone is the little girl whose fingernails I painted a soft, innocent pink while we sang,…

All I want is to fit into societies beauty and body image standards yet society refuses to agree on what its standards are. As they say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I saw beauty on the catwalk and red carpet, in magazines, billboards, in movies and dancing ballet across stages; all these magnificent and elegant females were the ones I looked to as 'perfection'. Why wouldn't I? They were the women we idolize and who are glorified in every direction we look.
To be obsessed with som**hing we as humans will go to great and extreme lengths to obtain this thing we obsess over with no concept of consequences that may come with obtaining our desired obsession. My obsession was my body image. M**h was my extreme quick fix to obtaining the 'perfect' body I so desperately desired.
Sadly I did suffer consequences of using my quick fix cheat. I had suffered from: psychosis, fits, nose bleeds, loss of breath to the point where I felt as if I where I felt as if I was suffocating, headaches, head spins, pains in joints and stomach. They are just the mental and physical torturous issues I experienced in order to be what I believed was to be beautiful.
M**h is not worth it.
It has done more damage than I imagined and it has left me with nothing but clothes that no longer fit causing me to freeze during this winter and more issues with my body than I thought.
I am not beautiful, I am sick!

Does M**h have long-term effects? | Ask the M**h Project Deal tarot cards and see what a future may hold with M**h. Then see firsthand the damage done to Dustin in the video "It Messed Me Up" and find out why Nicki has holes in her corneas.

You can either feed it or put a stop to it.

There's nothing as heartbreaking like watching a loved one suffering from addiction knowing that you are powerless and unable to help them escape the depths but instead watch them drown slowly.
It's even more difficult when you were in the same position and you have to grab the remaining life jacket in order to save yourself.

May a higher power bless the person you are deep within, the person you wish to be. May it mend your heart where it has been broken and fill the cracks with positivity, strength and restored hope. May you be granted with the power to erase the fears of your past and be able to shine brightly in order to see clearly, the future of sober living ahead.
You can do this!

I'm in yet another situation, nothing uncommon for an addict, where the waters are no longer still and calm and everything that was once hidden beneath the surface has now been disrupted and become visible to the world above. The subject of recovery rises higher than ever before. This must stop. This must stop now!
Dying to be thin at what cost? Thousands upon thousands of dollars filtered through my veins and lungs. It's not just about the money but the most precious of things that didn't cost a single cent yet meant more than anything imaginable that sadly cannot be replaced nor easily retrieved. My entire life I built from nothing, a young family, our life we strived to make better. I let go in a puff of chemical infused v***r.
I once would fret about loan repayments, electricity bills, keeping a roof over our heads, work, car registration etc. But since I allowed myself to slip into the hands of addiction those worries slowly slipped away into the depths of the past along with self respect and dignity and replaced with worries of how will I be able to feed myself? Where will I stay? Is there a shower or someplace I can feel secure? The hard and ugly truth lay under my clothes. After attempting to gain employment using my education and training qualifications and failing I was left to make the decision to give up the last and only thing I had left, my body.
Soon food became less of a priority as I was using enough to stop the pain of starvation. I learnt quickly that once the dead was done I could sleep at my clients residents as well as enjoy the luxury of a nice warm shower. Other times I would score more rock and spend the rest of the night awake with whoever I was shouting or whoever shouted me.
I have lost 30kg. I am happy as far as my weight loss goes however that is just as far as my remaining happiness goes.
I do want to do better. I will do better.

Drugs are bad

Roses are red
Exercise is hard
Salads are healthy
And cheaper than shard

Eenie meanie miney mo
I'll stomp ya head for tic ya owe
Cut their throat, let blood flow
Eenie meanie miney mo

Twinkle twinkle little cop snitch
Your lifeless body found in a ditch
Hung you up on gallows high
Watched you slowly twitch and die
Twinkle twinkle little cop snitch

Hopes and dreams went up a hill in search of inspiration.
M**h came round, ruined the town
Nothing destroys lives faster

Ring a ring a dealer
Pocket full of cash
A gram will do make that 2
For a ball I'll donate me gash

Rock, ekkies and billy
Drunk in a bottle shop
When you fry yourself its too late to stop
When you pick up you didnt believe that's all it takes
Down will come death to take lifes place

Hillary, dazza and Brock
3 Junkies crazy for rock
Hillary got done, Dazzas on the run
Nobody ever saw or heard about Brock