The Wyrd & The Stray

A: and now we are one. The line between us is blurred. We are unified.
B: i know i have superglue remover
A: model boat model boat
B: would you stop moving so much?
A; i think we should stay this way
B: you just want to watch me p**p
A: model boat, model boaty boat

A: I've been sleeping with your sister
B: I don't have a sister
A: nevermind then
B; okay. Want to go feed babies?
A: that sounds good
B: that sounds good
A: that sounds good
B: ok. Get some mashed potatoes

A; my dog died
B: i didn't know you had a dog
A: that's the thing
B: what's the thing?
A: i didn't have a dog but then it died
B; i don't understand
A: nobody does. My mom is on prozac because of it
B; my mom is on prozac too
A: i didn't know you had a mom
B; we try to keep it a secret
A: i won't tell.

I'm going to start working on a book of scenes and monologues for actors. These are going to be nonsensical and almost contentless in order to give the actors room to play.

I find there is a lack of really good books of scenes thus i believe it is my duty to write a (in many people's eyes) truly terrible one.

This is going to be the greatest book since Misfortunes.

Punched piglets slowly sour in a sacramental sauce. To be an ointment nstead of oinking was a particularly pathetic predicament. Those annointed with said ointment will be appointed perfunctory persons of parliament.

Poi poi P

Once upon a pony a little girl sat and picked rainbows from clouds and put them into a little cloth basket. She was sad because her life was so normal and boring. She popped one of the rainbows into her mouth and slurped out the color. She wanted a fantastic life like in the films but here she was stuck living on the tail end of a pink pony and never getting to do anything interesting at all. It was enough to make her want to weigh herself down with day dreams and leap into the chocolate lake. She was so caught up with the sorrowful normality of it all she didn't even notice the dragon swooping down on her.

You need to know the future? LOOK NO FURTHER! I present to you a tome with prognosticatory capabilities. It is as serious as a comatose girlfriend. Beware, most futures are dark and knowing yours could cause such suffering that milk shoots out of your nose.

https://www.amazon.com/Misfortunes-Charlatan-Fraud/dp/1499697562/ref=sr_1_33?dchild=1&keywords=misfortunes+charlatan+fraud&qid=1592208223&sr=8-33&pldnSite=1

Misfortunes Misfortunes is a prognostication tool. 864 fortunes lie inside. Roll or Flip to discover yours. Beware, many are so gruesome that you will be forced to laugh for fear of going mad from the pain of existence.

A "CHIPS! CHIPS FOR SALE!"
B "excuse me, sir, do you know where i might purchase some chips?"
A "Right here!"
B "oh providence!"
A+B "and we lived happily ever after!"

He laced his shoes too tight
He tied them to a kite
And on a blustery day
He blew away
Sqoosh into a mountain

Almonyane alutraxidar un vecho lecho oombayzibey. Alaustrix parama veendi vendi voo. Yesk embanibam chek chek chek horozonitropi. Hell the manjo hortux yammi yan.

Last night we were trees, tall and majestic, leaves ruffling in the wind, puking up salsa and rum. Last night we played possum in the grocery store, the gas station, even in Denny's. I covered you in some of my extra blood then you covered me with your extra blood, we walked in all sneaky, then lied on the floor all dead. People screamed! Then we jumped up and took all of their money. We spent the money on scratchers, rum, and mozarella sticks. Then we most likely died.

⁰9 9th 99⁹⁹⁰

I am the otter from otter sea. Look at me! Look at me! I am the daughter of honalee. Weee yippie! Yippie WEEE!

And so it went for hours until we finally had enough, took her out back, and (censored) her with the shotgun we use on the pigs. I thought there would be more sparks when her head blew open.

Violence is bad. Annoying robots are worse.

I am Kirsten Dunst, btw. I have little vampire teeth. I was in that Melancholia movie. I have a headache and a small newt living in my belly. Go ahead, ask me about it. I might even let you feel it scamper.

This message was paid for by friends of Kirsten Dunst.

I have never had a surprise birthday because i don't have any friends.

Last night we were starstuff reflected in the dew of the leaves. Last night we were connected to all things. We were one. We laughed and cried and had epiphanies. Mine was to eat only raw meat and drink only vodka. That's the natural way. Yours was a secret but you chopped off your piggy toes an hour after you had it. We tried to tame a stray dog, following it for hours and tempting it with cracker jacks, before realizing it was just a homeless japanese man. He was a good sport about it and granted us each wishes. They didn't come true.

This morning we woke up in your childhood bedroom. The little boy who lives there now was so scared of us until we gave him cracker jacks.

We don't have a butler because we hate getting murdered.

Last night you and me were pinatas, at least that's what the cop with the stick said. I was so proud of you for not cracking open and spilling your guts.

You sit with the entire weight of your head planted on your left hand. That elbow is pressed against the desk of your temporary cubicle. Your eyes are half lidded and staring at a poster of an orange and white striped cat hanging by its claws from a tree branch. The words on thid 12"x16" cubicle say "hang in there". The cat looks absolutely terrified. Also decorating this office oasis are a succulent plant with a post it stuck to it "don't water!" An "Awkward Family Photo" calender which has been on a photo of a mother father and their bucktoothed 12 year old all dressed in diapers. The date is still February 2nd. That's the date Merma had her heart attack and was wheeled away. Also on the desk is a latte in a clear cup. It is obviously garbage but everyone is almost suspicious about touching Merma's things. The ingredients of that coffee have stratified and now the whole thing resembles a sepia jupiter.
There is a World's Greatest Aunt cup filled with chewed upon pens, a stapler, a tape dispenser, flat screen monitor, keyboard, and mouse (the wires of the latter all trailing down a hole in the desk). You have been stuck here for four days as they fumigate your desk. You can't get any work done from her terminal. You come in to sit and stare at that cat. You do your best to HANG IN THERE. You are losing your mind.

Hedgehogs got in the marmalde again. EUSTACE! Could you clean this up?! I'm late to work and it is donut day. There will be no fritters left! EUSTACE!

And thus down from the heavens, ethereal through floorboards, an angel did appear. It glowed bright and was held aloft by six vibrating wings. When it spoke it spoke with the majesty of church bells mixed with the cherriness of sleighbells. When it spoke it said "No problem. Go get that fritter"

And the drunken hedgehogs sang a song.

Hey you, cmere! Your like me. You aren't like those other ones. I can't stand those other ones. You know what i mean..

((Every as***le i ever talk to... and people think it's different because they are nerds, or are a different minority that it's cool. "Let's talk about the other"

I am a reader. I have walked skins. I am always the other. I am everyone.))

Cmere. Cmere. Aren't those other kind the worst? Not like you and me.

Last night we were racoons ordering doordash. We didn't know how to use the ap so we just pressed buttons at random. We ended up with four bags Arby's. We ate like KINGS then we ran out in front of cars til dawn.

I've decided to stop giving a f**k and just write the s**t i want to read.

He glanced upwards but she had gone. His gaze returned to the phosphate diamonds on the table before him. They glowed softly lavender. His smile contained more than just a modicrum of fright. He leaned his chin down on the tabletop and began to lap up the diamonds one by one. "I'll show her" he thought "I'll show her good"

Last night you and me were rainbows. You were every single color and i shone just as brightly. We tried not to giggle but when you are pure spectrum it's hard to stop.

We woke up in a porta potty with matching black eyes and mouths full of tissue. That ports potty was on the back of a truck heading to Denver so we live here now.

Your eyes bulge with understanding. You laugh and grin then eat the potatochip you found in the couch.

Hergie was intently devouring her lucky charms, marshmallows first, and considering taking a different rout to work when Charles made a sound like "HGHHNUNGK!" She looked up at him. His head was canted to the left and a stream of blue drool was hanging all of the way down to his oatmeal.

Hergie went back to her lucky charms. Some things you just have to let work out on their own.

Premise: take a sitcom character with all of the over the top lying and scheming and put them into a naturalistic world. The people around them are real-ass people. Realistic consequences.

Did you see the goat?

Yes

Going to the party later?

If Denise wants to go

Well i gotta go. These cows aren't going to inseminate themselves.

Save me a piece of cake

(Now read it backwards)

Want some dada?

Ooooooooomargrrff ensalada vrum vrum endalatchio grandola whipp. Ack no forseer fir quassa quassa enderloop sinsatio. Hobrideck ensalada gross ensalada vergorian smash. Homle Doy.

I feel like i post here in private. I know you people are out there yet this chamber echoes. I am the god of sliced catfish. Prayers to me go extra heard because no one thinks to pray to me. I have a hat and a nosering and whiskers. All hail me and my specificity. I am a GOD. Quake and tremble.

He saved the princess from the tower. That defined their relationship from then on. He had to save her from her bad moods. He had to save her from a bee. He had to save her from a puddle. She was the eternal damsel in distress. He was the eternal hero. It defined them as it would you.