Dr. Alana, Life Coach

I haven't written in a long while, but I was having a conversation with a former student about relationships. And, of course, I was explaining my theories of conflict styles and how to use conflict to strengthen your relationship. It usually comes down to wisdom from Michael, my life partner.
He says "If I win, we lose."
Think about it.

Some thoughts on perspective.

In reaching big goals, and even in day-to-day activity, perspective is everything. Do you see the big picture? Or do you focus on the negative; on the things you cannot control?

Every day, there will be factors that are not under your control. It may feel to you that circumstances are keeping you from reaching your goals. Do you let them get to you? Do you let others limit your productivity? Or do you focus on what you CAN do and get on with it?

Sometimes, all you need is an outside perspective to jump start you in achieving and working towards your goals.

We eat brunch every Sunday with friends at the same family-owned Greek Diner. The other week, the owner was at the register, an unusual occurrence. He looked harried. As I paid the check I asked how he was. He shook his head and said, “It’s a bad day. The girl never came in and everything is backed up and sorry you had to wait.”

I instantly replied, “No, it’s a great day. The weather is beautiful outside. There are people waiting because your business is flourishing. You’re in good health and are able to stand there and fill in at the register and, look over there, your son is a fine young man, not in trouble like so many and working right here, with you, in the family business. It’s a great day!.”

He stopped what he was doing, looked straight at me and said, “I didn’t think of it like that. You’re right.” He smiled, and I beamed. I could see the change in him as he stood up straighter and smiled at his next customer. His frantic movements slowed down and smoothed out as he was able to handle the line faster and with a smile.

And all because of a change in perspective. How do you react when an obstacle is thrown in your path? Remember, no matter what is happening, it’s a great day.

I was having a conversation with a student the other day, and this concept came up. I thought it's time to re-post this blog.

We have all heard the adage “don’t sweat the small stuff”. But what is small stuff? The adage finishes with “it’s all small stuff”, but is it? How do you know? Sometimes, things seem so important, they take over your day- you will put your whole to-do list aside to deal with an issue that seems so immediate and so important. Then, after you’ve dealt with it, you find yourself behind and feel like “what happened?”

You may be sitting at your desk, getting your work done, when a co-worker comes by and gets you involved in whatever crisis they are in. You can get caught up in the emotion of the moment and forget your priorities.

There is a simple solution. It’s called the 5-5-5 rule. When faced with emotional conflict or distraction, apply this simple rule to determine how much of your time and attention the situation deserves. Ask yourself: will this matter in 5 days? 5 months? 5 years? If its seems really immediate, you can even ask 5 minutes or 5 hours! When you can learn to weigh the situation honestly, this simple rule can be an important tool in your arsenal of organization. An objective viewpoint will tell you how much energy you need to give before returning to your intended plans.

This also works with your children. Teens live in an emotional realm- they exist in the here and now, so when a teenager is upset, they don’t often consider consequences of forgetting responsibilities for the immediate issue. I once had a 16 year old client crying to me about something someone said about her boyfriend. This issue had her so upset that she hadn’t studied for her test or done her homework. I asked if this would matter in 5 days. She looked shocked that I asked. But she looked me straight in the eye and said No. And she stopped crying. I asked if it would matter in 5 weeks or 5 months - she said she probably wouldn’t be going out with him in 5 months. Then, thinking about it, she suggested to me that it probably wouldn’t matter in 5 more hours!

By simply asking the question, I made her see the situation with logical perspective, not just the immediate emotion.

Whether teenagers or adults, distinguishing between real priorities and energy-zapping events can be difficult. Use the 5-5-5 rule.

So, don’t sweat the small stuff. And now you have a tool to measure just how small some stuff can be.

Wow. Thanks for coming to my page, even though I haven't updated in ages! I'm busy, with clients, students, music and family. Still accepting new clients for the new year though! Find the happiness you deserve- it's there for you. Contact me!