Michelle Goodwin

I’m gonna post more s**t here.
I hope you’re ready for the ride.

Sometimes we don’t even realise we are stuck. We have slowly been lulled into a space of inauthentic and performative kindness, passivity and floppy boundaries. We stop showing up for those we are supposed to protect. We stop expressing ourselves. We don’t speak up when we see or hear something that goes agains our values. We become small on the inside and loose our inner compass. We start to run on fumes without even seeing the empty light on the dash and ignorantly everything is just fine.

But then you see it. The rose tinted glasses are ripped right off your face and you are shocked awake from your paralysed dream state.

I am ok. Piecing things back together.

I found these leaves whilst having a deep and loving conversation with my sister. These leaves represent a moment in time that I will never forget. A moment where I gave myself full acceptance, forgiveness and strength to move forward in my life. These leaves are so damn beautiful it almost makes me cry.

There is nothing else metabolic or symbolic in this post. I just want to share more. I enjoy sharing. I used to share so much more. It seems that when I am preoccupied mentally navigating other peoples lives that I forget to manage my own. I forget to live the vibrant and magical life that I have.

How many hours have I spend navigating the inner worlds of others, contorting into a more likeable and palatable version of myself so others don’t have to be confronted by their own lack of magic? Too many.

Stuck in a place of taking myself seriously and simultaneously feeling that what I have to share is of little to no value.

The dance of the creative

Yesterday was chaos
Today was calm

The relief. A pause.

Pealing back these layers and revealing the raw unfiltered desires is both exhilarating and exhausting. It drains me and replenishes me simultaneously.

I ooze
It drips from my lips
Then washes over me

What an exciting process to experience. What a liberating life phase I’m in.

Here are some of my most favourite acrylic ideas from yesterday.

Which one gives you the feels?

Today I am feeling completely consumed by chaos. The emotionally overwhelming impulse to create is suppressed by a lifelong idea that I have to create the "right" type of art. I guess the antidote to this paralysis is to create regardless of what the outcome is. Hence I am here to share and create through the words that are escaping my fingers. It may not make any sense but I don't really care about that today. I am in CHAOS.

It's almost a nervous type energy, or maybe I feel nervous for fear of creating something that will cause people to perceive me in a way I cannot control. NEWS FLASH....I cannot control that anyway, even if I create in the "right way". what is the right way...there is no right way.

I feel like a am going to completely burst and I'm afraid of what will come out. Will I be accepted? Will I still belong to the people I feel like I belong to? Does it matter?

I am afraid of how this writing will be received.

Am I so desperate for validation that I have backed myself into a prison of my own creation? Or did society create this? Did trauma create this? Does it matter?

does it matter
does it matter
does it matter

Am I afraid of feedback? Am I afraid to be vulnerable? Do I doubt my ability to protect myself from unwanted attention?

I am unravelling. I feel like I cannot contain it anymore and I'm afraid of what will happen next if I let it all out. But I cannot NOT let it all out. I feel like I am suffocating all the time. Suffocating under learnt behaviour from ex partners, past school teachers, childhood memories, deep lessons from movies, advertisement, stories. Is it mine? NO. Do I have to keep it? NO. Do I have to protect these ideas about who I am SUPPOSED to be in order to feel safe?

But I don't feel safe. I feel bored.

I feel bored of these stories, I feel bored of this inner landscape I have been traversing every day of my fu***ng life. I feel bored of being small. I feel bored of performing "normal". I feel bored of having constant critical self talk.

And all of this aside I LOVE who I am.

I'm just so tired of unconsciously trying to get it right...
I'm tired of being neat and tidy. I'm tired of feeling trapped by all these questions and perceptions.

And again as I right this I feel that I it won't be received well.
It's almost funny.

I'm cool with it though...I think hahaha

So today I am creating. I am letting it out. and tomorrow I will do the same. and the next day, and the next. Or maybe I won't.

I don’t know if you know this or not, but I have a sister who is a complete BOSS.

She has written an epic album.
She has made epic cards.
She is epic 🙌

Go and follow her , support her awesome art on Patreon, get yourself a ticket to her one of the shows in her upcoming tour and buy yourself an album.

IT
IS
WORTH
IT

For real

7 months with this beauty 😻

If I had to choose one word to do describe this relationship it would have to be wholesome.

Wholesome AF

Love you 💋💋

4 💖
Happy birthday Rufus 🥳
You are pure sunshine.
Thank you for choosing me 🧡

So that was the most perfect end to the year, EVER!

2021, you were full of challenges and shifts in perspective.
2021, you saw me continue to get to know myself more and more.
2021, you opened up my heart and helped me find Gabi 💕

Thank you 2021. You brought up heaps of s**t for me. I am truely grateful 🙏

2022…let’s make some fu***ng magic 💥

Yes babe
Let’s go on a walk together
I want to show you all the things
Deep inside my dreams
Inside my dreams

Yes babe
Let’s go on a walk together
I’m going to open up my heart
Hold my hand
Let’s go in
Let’s go in

————

I’m trying to come up with some amazing caption here. Something profound. Something that coveys how I feel about this woman. Something that clearly communicates how open, free and safe I am.

I just feel so relieved.
Honestly. I feel at ease. I feel calm. I feel like everything is ok.

I like this place I am in.
Like….a lot!!
I plan on being here for a while.
A reeeeeally long while.
With Gabi 💕