Matthew Fray

We all feel misjudged and misunderstood from time to time. More importantly, I think, we all misjudge and misunderstand from time to time.

A significant part of the breakdown of trust and intimacy in relationships happens because of how poorly our conversations go with one another during disagreements in conflict-heavy relationships.

There are remedies for that. And the most important step might just be seeking first to understand more so than to be understood.

You Are a Lot Harder to Understand Than You Think You Are Do you ever feel misjudged or misunderstood? It happens to everyone. Here’s an explanation for why, and some things you can do about it.

Mandy C.'s husband drinks. And it hurts her and her children. We're not privy to the type of hurt (physical, emotional, etc.) but I suggest that pain is pain regardless of it's form. In our first-ever On the Rocks Q&A, Mandy asks: When is it time to leave?

This is How Your Marriage Ends: When is it Time to Leave? In our first reader Q&A post, we explore once again the impossibly difficult question of whether to end a marriage. Sometimes, when Mandy's husband drinks, she and her kids get hurt.

I've been thinking of increasing the amount of Q&A content that I do -- both in video and writing. Not to suggest that I think I'm some relationship guru you want advice from quite as much as I'm interested in discussing and thinking about the relationship issues and everyday conflicts people are having.

If you're willing to share your stories and questions, maybe we can all collectively learn something from them. Thanks in advance to anyone willing to share. P.S. - If you wish to remain anonymous, but are interested in sharing/asking a question, please email me at mf[at]matthewfray.com.

It's not male behavior, they say. It's all of the crazy, emotionally damaged women inventing new things to be upset about. THAT is the real problem with marriage and relationships, they say.

Mentally Ill, Emotionally Damaged Women are the Real Problem in Relationships, Some Men Say While internet comments are often the bane of every writer’s existence, they’re also great when you’re looking for something to light a fire.

Like clockwork, I get a little extra rush of new relationship coaching clients every major holiday or popular travel weekend like Memorial Day and Labor Day. Why?

I'm not psychic, but I'm pretty sure it's because these are the types of situations which bring everyone together, require a lot of mental and emotional and sometimes physical effort to execute. Whether your hosting or visiting, there are a lot of things to think about, including travel and lodging logistics, planning activities, packing bags, perhaps acquiring gifts, etc. And it's exhausting for the parent or relationship partner carrying the burden of that work, especially if they feel invisible or neglected to do all of it alone.

These situations lead to relationship strain and conflict. Frustrated and confused people tend to book with me shortly afterward.

I was the kind of husband who typically only thought about myself and my needs in situations like this. A lot of relationship partners are. There's rarely anything evil or nefarious about it. It's just exhausting, and ultimately painful, for the spouse or partner on the receiving end of being unseen and unsupported.

It are these extra moments outside of our typical life routine that really grow to stress and strain our marriages and relationships. Even lovely things like holidays and other celebrations. But it also happens when we move from one home to another. And it happens when we get sick. And it happens when we bring a new child or energy-intensive pet into the home. And it happens when emotionally difficult life situations arise.

Step 1 isn't even adjusting our minds and hearts to accommodate our partner's needs during these moments. Step 1 is simply learning how to notice, how to anticipate, and how to effectively participate in carrying the burdens of whatever "extra" things are going on.

My Father-in-Law's Death Exposed My Weaknesses as a Husband Being mindful of the additional burdens weighing on our partner’s minds and hearts is one of the most effective ways we can show love

On my son's last summer-break day before his sophomore year of high school tomorrow, a story he told me over breakfast about a kid he used to be friends with got me thinking about relationship repair. Nothing builds trust in relationships quite like well-executed repair. Nothing erodes trust in relationships quite like the absence of it.

How to Embrace the Repair Process in Your Relationships (Before It's Too Late) A simple approach to repairing the damage in your relationships

When we are tired, hurt, sick, distracted, busy elsewhere, grieving, or otherwise giving energy or attention to other things, our relationship partners--and the relationships themselves--are affected.

Committed relationships are a bit like a two-person team trying to keep an old steam engine locomotive moving down the tracks.

We can control how much we give. We can be mindfully aware of how our lack of contribution (for any number of reasons we might deem good or bad) increases demand on our relationship partner.

I give, therefore we move ahead. I don't give, which means my partner must work harder for us to move ahead.

If both of us stop, we no longer move forward.

This dance -- this partnership -- requires balance, determination, stamina, discipline, awareness, grace for one's self and the other, and maybe more than anything else, love.

Love is a choice. Not so much as to how we invisibly, secretly think or feel about someone, but much more so as to what we choose to do with our time and energy and the level of awareness we have about how those choices impact our partner.

How Marriage and Long-Term Partnerships are Like Old-Time Locomotive Steam Engines Two people shoveling coal keep things running smoothly. One person shoveling coal can get you by temporarily while the other is busy or recovering. But if both stop? Everything grinds to a halt.

33% more men than women worldwide say they are bothered "a lot" that their significant other isn't more romantic, according to data reported by Reader's Digest.

Let's discuss. I'm going to address straight couples below, but I have to believe these dynamics play out the same way in same-sex couples as well.

Men, is this your experience? If so, what do you believe is the reason? Do you believe women's desire for romance from their husband/boyfriend lessens over time? Do you think craving romance stays the same, but they just tire of their specific partner and fantasize about romance from someone else? Or might something else be at play? (

When you break on the inside, you feel so lost and out of control that you need something to hold onto. Even if it’s just one stranger’s story that might be kind of like yours.

Two Years After Divorce In real life, 10 years have passed since the worst days of my life. But once upon a time, it was only two years, which was a major milestone for feeling human again.

Men might feel attacked by this. I’m sorry. I don’t want them to. I want them to have more awareness about what half the world’s population (including our partners, daughters, and friends) has to deal with every day.

Matthew Fray on Substack I hope men, in particular, will read and absorb what Villines is saying here. Inevitably, some of you will feel attacked and defensive and mischaracterized, and I’m sorry about that. But the first step toward restoring trust and maintaining healthy romantic relationships is a keen awareness ...

I've been very blessed to have the support and encouragement of many people over the past 10 years of my post-divorce journey, and my efforts to try to do some good with it. Right at the top of the list of people who've generously shared my work and shown me a ton of support and kindness over the years are Mikki and Joe.

Mikki deals several medical conditions that are unimaginable to me, including Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, spinal issues, and pretty much constant pain at levels most of are lucky to only experience in tiny spurts once in a while. Of everyone I know, she's probably the person with the most to complain about, yet she never does. She is ALWAYS investing in other people and trying to be of service to them. It's inspiring. Mikki is unable to work because her medical circumstances. Joe, an information technology/cybersecurity professional was laid off at the beginning of the year without warning. Things have gotten difficult, a horrible feeling I remember too well from 2010 when I experienced a layoff myself.

They are, literally, fighting to keep a roof over their heads, which are circumstances I've never known (because I had help), and can't imagine the stress and anxiety that must come along with it.

There's really very little I can do personally. So this is the only way I can think of to help.

If you feel like doing something to make a very good, a very worthy, a very deserving person's life a little better today, please consider donating a little bit. Thank you for your consideration.

Fending Off Homelessness, organized by Mikki Ingram My name is Mikki. My partner's name is Jo. I'm a disabled (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, multiple com… Mikki Ingram needs your support for Fending Off Homelessness

You or your partner feeling invisible or alone in your relationship? This theme came up in all of my coaching sessions today, so I took it as a sign to write about it.

Protecting Your Partner From Feeling Invisible is Critical to Maintaining a Healthy Relationship Mostly we're not trying to make people feel this way. Often, we don't even realize it. But that doesn't lessen the importance of ensuring that our loved ones never feel invisible to us.

Young people—most often men, in my experience—are NOT taught about what actually is happening during this all-too-common toxic relationship pattern.

I Typically Ran Away From Fights with My Wife Conflict-avoidant tendencies like mine (and those shared by millions of others) often lead to a relationship pattern almost certain to end marriage or a long-term partnership.

When do you know it's time to get divorced? Let's talk about it.

When Divorce is Your Best Course of Action How do you know when it's time to end things? Like most complicated life choices, that depends. Let's talk about it.

Today, I'm thinking about our tendency to hide true things from others, including our relationship partners, and how even with the best of intentions, trust can erode, and our relationships can become compromised.

Maybe it's lying. Maybe it's not. But withholding truth has consequences. Choose courage.

Unmasking Vulnerability: The Power of Courageous Conversations in Relationships Dishonesty and the subsequent trust erosion that occurs from it doesn't always manifest as lies. Sometimes it's simply the absence of truth.

From the Must Be This Tall to Ride archives with some present-day commentary along the way.

What we experience growing up informs our beliefs about ourselves and what our futures are supposed to look like.

Asking hard questions and challenging the status quo (even if just within ourselves) is a useful way to discover what we’re capable of.

Why the Hell Not? Reading "The Catcher in the Rye" for the first time in adulthood reignited the resentment I felt following my divorce. I thought I'd followed the Life Blueprint. But I was more miserable than ever.

As my once little boy turns into a young man, I'm thinking more and more about how soon three years from now is when he's likely to move pretty far away. I'm thinking about what my version of being an empty nester is going to look and feel like, and thinking even more about the impact this situation has had and will have on coupled parents. Loss comes in many shapes and sizes. And we should ready ourselves for its inevitability to whatever extent we can. But also, developing mindfulness about how we can lift others up who are going through this as relationship partners, friends, and family experiencing this for the first -- or maybe worse -- last time seems especially important as well. If you're interested, please check out my latest "On the Rocks" post on Substack.

The Impending Empty Nest What will restabilizing look and feel like when foundational people in our lives go away?

As a follow-up to Friday's reemergence from the rock I've been hiding under: I have launched a new writing home on the web: "On the Rocks" over on Substack (named so because it aptly encompasses crappy relationships, which I try to help people avoid, AND because it's a term for how to drink bourbon -- or an inferior spirit -- even though I VERY strongly discourage adding ice or water to your delicious, thoughtfully crafted whiskey. I mean, it's fine if you do. But also, maybe don't.

This bourbon thing has really become a thing. (I promise it's not related to my disappearance. This is only a great hobby when engaged in responsibly.) Anyway, we're talking about starting some sort of bourbon and books club, and maybe fusing some events down the road where we blend a little drink sipping with relationship conversation, which might be super-fun.

Anyway, my first post in a very long time will be linked in the first comment below, in case you'd like to read it. Please do join me on Substack if you're interested because we're going to be doing all sorts of things we've never done before there. (Nothing scary. You're not going to, like, need a safe word or anything. I promise.) Live events, real-time chats, interviews with super-smart people, and probably even some bourbon stuff, just because of how good it is when it hits your lips.

Have the best day, everyone.

Hey everyone. I've been hiding in my lair for a while, trying to get some new work initiatives squared away, including the launch of my new writing home on the web.

If you're interested, please check out my reflections and brief updates on the past 10 years since my divorce, and subscribe to my new Substack newsletter.

'Write Your Feelings' A decade later, a random phone therapist's advice continues to change my life

Hey. Christmas people — Merry Christmas!

Non-Christmas people - Hi! 👋

I hope everyone is as well as you can be. I’m so sorry for my disappearing act for two thirds of the year.

I’m going to try to make 2023 much different.

Cheers. 🥂

For all of the people who have been thinking: “Gee. Matt hasn’t posted in, like, 10 days. I wonder if he finally got Covid for the first time and is dying on his couch?”, you were RIGHT.

Back to about 75% today. Which I gotta say, is so neat relative to this past week.

Hope you’re all very well. Stay healthy, please!

P.S. - This was a reminder to express intense gratitude for everything extra our partner does for us, and the extra slack they pick up for us when we’re out of commission. Thank them.

Friends and my son’s mother kept me fed and medicated and feeling as if I wasn’t entirely alone. Pretty lucky for a bum divorced guy. ♥️

Unfortunately, most of us never go to How to Be a Good Spouse University. We don’t even attend How to Be a Good Spouse 101 in high school. Many of us don’t learn the things relationships require to function effectively until it’s too late or dangerously close to the brink. It sometimes takes a serious shake-up in our comfortable lives before we are willing to start asking and answering the more difficult questions about who we are and why we do the things that we do.

To everyone who wishes to not celebrate Mother’s Day today for your very specific reasons, I hope you have the very best day possible.

And, of course, to all of the mothers out there, including mine (both alive and departed, but never forgotten), and my son’s, and my grandmother; I hope you are all reminded today how much you are seen and appreciated for everything that you give and have given to make our lives possible. Thank you. 🙏🏼

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. 💐

Most of our are not logical problems. They’re emotional ones. The emotions we feel are chemical. And chemistry is very powerful. I learned that in school while they weren’t teaching me how to be a good life partner.

wither and die because partners don't trust each other. I home in on the concept of infidelity when discussing the word “trust" in relationships.

That is an understandably big deal to most people. To be loyal and trustworthy. We also seek “trustworthy” financial partners and co-parents. There is a problem, of course: our faulty brains. In order for progress in a relationship, you must be open to rethinking how your partner "trusts" you.

I used to anger easily at, and avoid as much as possible, any relationship conflict. To me, disagreements/conflict/fighting were ALWAYS a bad sign. Always an indication that something was wrong or dysfunctional.

But there's a healthier, more useful, more beautiful way to think about conflict, or a nicer word -- disharmony -- in relationships. And that's the opportunity to Repair whatever issue/problem/moment of disconnection we're having. The Repair process is very specifically what grows trust in relationships. Our capacity for and competence in navigating Repair effectively might be the No. 1 indicator as to whether our marriages/relationships are strong and lasting, or -- you know -- like mine was.

In this new blog post and video, I'm simply making the case for embracing a little bit of conflict and disharmony. NOT because it's fun. It's not fun. Just as eating vegetables and going to the gym or the doctor or to school isn't always fun. But doing so is useful. It's beneficial. It makes us better. Stronger. Healthier. It increases longevity.

I wish I'd known how to see and embrace this back then.

Why Relationship Arguments Can Actually Be Good Things (Video) – Matthew Fray I always wanted to end whatever argument we were having as quickly as possible and run away to go do something that didn’t involve uncomfortable conversation.

I'm in awe of the response This Is How Your Marriage Ends is getting. Here are some reviews that really resonated with me. Grab your copy today at matthewfray.com

Who knew the Backstreet Boys were so poignant? While mind games or deception might work for bar pickups and one-night stands, dishonesty—or even just the lack of an authentic connection between two mutually trusting and vulnerable people—will eventually end a marriage or long-term romantic relationship. Learn how to build at matthewfray.com

I always thought I knew my wife. But I didn't. And it wasn't because of any deliberate attempt on her part to hide some secret identity from me. But because I never applied myself to learning about her the way I learned about all of the things I know the most about (even dumb stuff like pro sports, whiskey, movies, etc.).

If we don't know our spouse or relationship partner, I don't think they can ever really trust us to act in their best interest. I don't see how someone can trust us to not hurt them, when we can't explain why things hurt them, or can't anticipate something that's about to hurt them. Even the so-called little things. Perhaps ESPECIALLY the so-called little things.

Do You Really Know Your Spouse or Relationship Partner? (Video) – Matthew Fray I think most of us default to the belief that we know the people in our inner circle, with whom we see and interact most, including our romantic partners. But I think we might be confusing ideas like familiarity, or being comfortable with someone, with the more critical idea of knowing them.

CRITICAL REVIEW UPDATE:

In the interest of fairness, my man averagemusician ended up finishing the book after all, and decided he didn't hate it as much as he thought. He upgraded the star rating to a three-banger, and modified his review to be significantly less harsh.

It would appear he did so without being guilted or shamed into it by someone else, or from my Facebook post from yesterday.

I think it takes a person of a certain caliber to reassess a publicly stated opinion, and go out of his way to change his review, especially when the man seems to disagree with much of what I write.

Cheers to that guy.

Takeaways from the "This is How Your Marriage Ends" current top critical review:

1. TWO STARS for something he (I assume it's a man, but I guess I can't prove it) called a "total waste of money." Hell yeah!

2. My ex-wife did NOT have an affair. She dated someone I hated shortly after our sh*tty marriage ended, and it felt really bad because he was soulless and evil and probably sacrificed live animals on a home-made alter in his backyard, and I didn't want him near my son. Immediately upon learning he was a lying P.O.S., she ended it and never spoke to him again.

3. The reviewer calls it "Woman Centric Babble" but he didn't hyphenate it like a good boy. He goes on to say "If you're a guy, look elsewhere." I'm not an expert or anything, but there's a chance this guy has some sexist beliefs that he's particularly defensive and sensitive about.
..

This critical review echoes the majority of the criticism my writing has received since I first started in 2013. There is a contingent of men, and even a few women, who believe I'm advocating that Men are Bad, and Women are Good, and THAT's why divorces happen so often.

And they're simply mistaken. And they have some severe blind spots around the idea of accepting personal responsibility, because their entire motivation is to excuse their own behavior in favor of Whataboutism. "BUT WHAT ABOUT WIVES?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT THEM, MATT?! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS EXCUSING THE BAD THINGS WIVES DO?"

I'm not excusing "bad things" anyone does. Bad things are always bad.

I'm saying common everyday behaviors most people don't calculate to be harmful are accidentally eroding relationship trust, jeopardizing families, and resulting in divorce and breakups between two mostly decent people who love each other and want their marriages to succeed. And I believe that the accidentally trust-eroding behaviors can be observed more often in men than women. It's not biology. It's people honing important relationship skills. It seems to me women, on average, have done a lot more of that work than, on average, men have.

It's no one's "fault," my critical friend. It's just EVERYONE's responsibility.

I'm shocked that someone can read the book and take away from it that I'm blaming men for failing marriages. I hope it's clear to most of you that I'm not. If I'm wrong about that, I have some serious work to do on my tone and messaging. Please share your thoughts in the comments.

From the archives: Easter 2014. I will never, ever get tired of this. I hope all of you are having the best day and weekend possible.

The Resourceful Rabbit – Matthew Fray DailyMusings April 20, 2014 at 4:55 pm You are not only a talented writer, but also a talented artist. This post made me laugh, but then I wondered if that Easter Bunny was really summing up how you felt about the day. Hmmmm. My guess is yes. Sorry if it was a rather shi&%$y day. Loading... Reply