Sharon Pope: Master Life Coach, Author & Speaker

We cannot feel for anyone else and we cannot control anyone else’s feelings. Of course, as human beings, we influence one another; I’m not denying that.

But overtaking responsibility and contorting yourself and your life in order to manage the feelings of other people isn’t the answer.

Read on https://sharonpope.com/truth/overtaking-responsibility-for-someone-elses-feelings/?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

Everyone can change. But THEY have to want the change. We each must do our own work; no one can do it for us.

If things feel lackluster between you and your spouse, please know that there IS hope.

You CAN get back to:

💏 Regular date nights that you both look forward to (providing opportunities to prioritize you as a couple and feel closer)
💏 Deep, soulful conversations (where you can express how you feel and be understood)
💏 Doing small gestures for each other (and not just when you need to earn forgiveness!)
💏 Working as a TEAM toward your goals (rather than living like roommates and co-parents)
💏 Being curious and interested in each other as people (not just the mother/father of your children)

I know this is possible because I’ve helped many, many couples achieve it.

What made the difference for them was getting all my tools and teachings on how to SUSTAIN healthy, connected relationships for the long term.

And now, I’ve broken up all of this life-changing information into short lessons you can listen to in just 5 minutes a day.

I called it my Learning to Love membership (Learning to Love) , and until tomorrow at 11:59 p.m. PST, you can join for 37% OFF and snag my free audiobook.

👉 Learn more here https://learningtolove.academy/ 👈

Has your marriage lost its spark over the years?

2024 can be different.

Here’s how I know…

When we prioritize our jobs, kids, etc. over our marriage, we begin to feel distant. We stop going on dates, doing small kind deeds, and putting in effort to understand each other.

But by turning your focus back to your spouse and making genuine efforts to rekindle your connection, you can completely change the dynamic of your relationship.

And with my brand new membership Learning to Love, you can do this in just 5 minutes a day.

A Learning to Love membership normally costs $27/month…

But until Thursday, January 4th ONLY, you can lock in the Founder’s Rate of $17/month.

👉 Head on over to https://learningtolove.academy/ and save $ 👈

“There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my children.”

“My kids are my highest priority; nothing is more important.”

“I would walk in front of a bus for my children.”

Maybe you’ve said something like this yourself about your own precious children.

And maybe you’ve also found yourself thinking thoughts that sound like:

“We’ve been living like roommates for years. It’s never going to change.”

“We don’t communicate at all. I guess this is just how marriage is after so many years together.”

“I have to walk on eggshells to keep the peace.”

You might believe that these two things – your kids and your marriage – are separate things that can be compartmentalized, but you would be incorrect.

Your marriage is the foundation upon which you build your family. And like any home under construction, you would never start adding floors to a home that has a crumbling foundation.

Our kids look to their parents to know that they’re safe.
Our kids look to their parents to know they are loved and worthy and adored.
Our kids look to their parents to understand what love and marriage is supposed to look like.
And even when our kids aren’t “kids” anymore, but rather young adults, the lessons they learned at home during their formative years remain.

So when the marriage isn’t doing well, it can create uncertainty and instability in the home and within our children.

Why it’s time to Get Busy:

Some women find their way to my work when they believe their only path to happiness is to end the marriage. I understand that. They’ve been trying for years to make the relationship feel better and they’ve not been successful…hence the feeling of hopelessness.

But even when that’s what they believe is the only answer, they oftentimes do not begin navigating separation or divorce for two big reasons:

Divorce is terrifying:

The potential negative impact a divorce will have on their kids
I have a coaching philosophy that has served my clients well when moving out of their stuck places:

We’re either going to get busy leaving, or we’re going to get busy staying.

So, my friends, if you are not yet ready to begin navigating separation or divorce, then you ARE, in fact, choosing to remain in the marriage.

And if you’re going to remain in the marriage, why wouldn’t you do everything you could to try to make it feel good for you? I mean after all…you know intuitively that your kids would benefit if your marriage was thriving…

Or was all that, “I’d walk in front of a bus for my kids,” just talk?

Will it require some effort on your part? Yes.

Will it feel uncomfortable? For sure…if it was in your comfort zone, you would have found your answers by now.

Is it guaranteed to work? No, there are no guarantees in relationships.

The health of your marriage impacts the mental and emotional well-being of your children; they are inextricably tied. So if you want to actively demonstrate love for your children, consider actively investing in making your marriage feel good.

Maybe it’s time we explore whether or not I can help.

Here’s your next step forward :: https://sharonpope.com/truth-clarity?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

Do you wish you felt close, connected, and intimately bonded to your husband… but you just don’t anymore?

Do you think back to the early days of your marriage and wonder, “Wow, how did we get here?”

Do you worry that you’ll never get back what you once had with your spouse - that you’re doomed to a future of loneliness and “good enough?”

Many couples feel this way after several years of marriage.

We “put our marriages on a shelf” while we build careers, raise children, and establish our lives… which can leave us feeling like mere roommates down the line.

But don’t worry.

Not only is it completely possible to rekindle the connection in your marriage again, but I’ve created an easy way to do it.

It’s my brand new Learning to Love membership, and as a Founding Member, you can join for 37% off.

The Learning to Love membership is for anyone who wants to feel understood by and deeply in love with their partner again.

Every day, a new short audio lesson will be released with tools and insights you can use to make your most important relationship feel good and LAST.

A Learning to Love membership normally costs $27/month…

But from January 1-4, 2024 ONLY, you can lock in the Founder’s Rate of $17/month for life!

👉 PLUS, you’ll get my Learning to Love audiobook that’s packed with even more teachings and training for strengthening your marriage - for free! 👈

So if you want to learn how to love your partner in an entirely new way that brings you CLOSER together (rather than further apart) in only about five minutes of listening a day…

Learn more + sign up here https://learningtolove.academy/

P.S. I’m releasing the first audio lesson on January 5th and daily thereafter. If you want to get all of my very best teachings for making your marriage feel close again, sign up now!

P.P.S. Make sure you're following Learning to Love!

A huge thank you to Rob Lo at Solo Mio Photography for making my Miami photo shoot so fun!
Need a photographer in Miami? Look him up.

Are you moving closer together or further apart?

🎧 Listen to "Avoiding Time Alone and a Divorce Discussion Gone Wrong" at http://sharonpope.com/54?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

It is alright to disagree with one another. It’s not okay to disrespect the other person just because they do not share your preferences.

Something is coming! 😎

If you're feeling lonely in a perfectly "fine" marriage…

I know what you probably want more than anything in 2024.

Sure, maybe you've set goals to lose weight, start meditating, or read more… but what would actually transform your day-to-day happiness the most?

How about feeling connected, close, and SEEN in your marriage?

And if it could be you two against the world again, how much easier would it be to accomplish all your other goals - and start truly enjoying the little moments in life again?

I've created an easy way to transform your relationship in 2024.

In just 5 minutes per day, you'll learn how to create consistent, long-lasting changes in your marriage that bring you and your husband closer together.

Interested?

I'll be announcing more details soon. Keep an eye out!

Are you avoiding spending time alone with your partner? Do you feel like you’ve lost momentum on going forward with your decision after having the divorce discussion about it with your spouse? I answered a couple of questions from Tiffany and another caller who found themselves in these situations.

In this episode of The Loving Truth podcast, you’ll hear about how you get to a place of disconnection in your marriage and how the way you approach the divorce conversation with your partner can cause you to waver on your decision. I’ll also teach you how to build your muscle of discomfort to help you stop avoiding your husband and how you can move the separation process along as smoothly as possible.

Check out the full episode here https://sharonpope.com/podcast/avoiding-time-alone-divorce-discussion-gone-wrong/?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

Are you overtaking responsibility for someone else’s feelings? https://sharonpope.com/truth/overtaking-responsibility-for-someone-elses-feelings/?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

Derrick and I are sitting having a long, leisurely lunch at a cute little restaurant in Tuscany. He orders the fish and wood-fired vegetables. I order the cacio e pepe (one of my favorite pasta dishes). I look over at a young couple in the corner of the restaurant and my heart breaks.

They both have all of their attention on their phones.

They’re not looking at each other.

They’re not talking to each other.

They’re not even just simply taking in the gorgeous surroundings of Italy.

Hands to face…Elbows on table…Eyes in phone.

They don’t look like they’re pi**ed at one another – just indifferent to one another’s presence.

And look at their demeanor. These aren’t two people wrapped-up in getting something important done for work, or quickly responding to an urgent message.

These are two people who don’t know how to connect and so instead of trying, they avoid connection by mindlessly scrolling through their phones…

They don’t know how to just be with themselves or with one another, so even in one of the most gorgeous places on the planet, their phones provide both the distraction and the relief so they can avoid being present.

But the truth is…we’ve all been there.

None of us are immune to this. At some time in our lives, we’ve probably all looked just like this young couple and not thought anything about it.

“What’s the big deal? Everybody does it.”

In fact, this practice is so common that there’s a new word for it:

Phubbing = Phone + Snubbing

Wikipedia defines phubbing as the habit of snubbing a physically present person in favor of a mobile phone.

Our focused attention has become the most highly prized commodity there is in relationships today. That is because there are so many other things vying for our attention that seem more urgent, important or entertaining. Our presence is now the most scarce resource we have, and when we place it away from the people we love, distance is the only thing growing.

If you find yourself doing this, turn your phone over or put it away. Then take a deep breath and bring yourself back to the present. If your partner is doing this behavior in your presence, don’t fall into the trap of you doing the same thing and reaching for your phone. Instead, gently inquire: “You seem distracted; what’s up?”

Making our long-term, committed relationships feel good isn’t going to just magically happen. If anything, it’s becoming increasingly difficult.

My challenge to you this holiday season is to become more conscious of where you place your focused attention. Wherever it is placed will show you what you are prioritizing in your life. I hope you choose to place it on those that are most important to you.

I don't think anyone ever decides to divorce lightly.

It's never just one thing, and it's never one point in time.

Listen to the full episode at http://sharonpope.com/53?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

The amount of work does not slow down when you get married. It is just the opposite, more is added to your plate. The work may or may not be equal, but it doesn’t matter. What does matter, is that you do not keep score.

Many of us have carried the thought that there shouldn’t have to be boundaries inside of a healthy marriage.

But if boundaries are the way that we keep ourselves safe, why wouldn’t they be productive to have inside our marriage?

And if boundaries are the way that our partner knows how to get the best from us, then wouldn’t it be helpful to our partners to have that roadmap?

For most of us, when we attempt to set a boundary inside our marriage, it comes out with a lot of controlling energy.

“Stop doing that.”
“You shouldn’t drink so much.”
“Don’t you think it’s time to turn the TV off now?”

We tell our partners what to do and what not to do.

We tell them why our way is right and their way is wrong.

Sometimes we can get downright bossy.

But setting a boundary is not the same thing as attempting to control other people (which is impossible). Instead, think of boundaries as a way to express what YOU will do in response to their choices, actions and behaviors as it relates to YOU. It’s about your behavior, not your partner’s.

The Basics:

If you’ve never established boundaries inside your marriage, then we need to start at the beginning with a few basic tools:

Know Where to Set a Boundary:

Your first clue that a boundary needs to be set is when you start to feel anxious around your partner, or feel yourself wanting to avoid them. It could be avoiding a certain topic with your partner, or feeling anxious every time you hear the garage door go up.

That anxiousness or avoidance is a good sign that a boundary needs to be set. At this point, you have the responsibility to identify what specifically needs to change so you can feel safe (or at least less anxious).

Know How to Set a Boundary:

The best boundaries are short and to the point. They are anywhere between 1-3 sentences. Anymore than that and now you’re justifying your reasoning for setting a boundary, as though you need their permission, which you don’t. Here are some examples:

“I could use some time alone, so I’m going to go take a bath and read.”

“I have a challenge I’m facing that I would like to share with you, but I need you to simply listen and provide support. At this time, I’m not open to suggestions on ways to fix the issue. Are you able to do that?”

“If you decide to make fun of me in front of family and friends again, I will take the car and drive myself home immediately and you can find your own way home.”

Know How to Enforce a Boundary:

Everyone thinks that you set a boundary one time, and then once the other person knows, it should change from that point forward. But that rarely happens. Think about the times when you’ve tried to create change in your life, even when it was something you were excited about and committed to changing. It probably took you a few times of trying and failing before the change took hold, didn’t it? This process is the same.

A wise friend once told me: the challenge with boundaries isn’t stating the boundary once in the most direct and clear manner possible, it’s enforcing the boundary over and over again. But feeling safe and healthy inside your most intimate relationship is worth some consistent effort, so expect to have to revisit the boundary a few times.

At some point (usually by the third time the boundary isn’t respected), you may have to set consequences for what will happen the next time the boundary is disregarded.

It can be leaving a conversation.
It can be refusing to engage unless you two can speak respectfully.
It can be no longer sharing certain things with your partner.
It can be no longer participating in an activity or an event that you previously did together.
It can be ending the relationship entirely.

You get to choose the consequence. But remember that a boundary is only a boundary when there’s a consequence associated with it.

Otherwise, it’s just complaining. And complaining gets us nowhere long-term.

Expect a Reaction:

If you’ve never set boundaries before inside your marriage, this will be new and potentially not terribly welcomed. Your partner is going to notice. Sometimes, that noticing will take the form of a look of shock or confusion, while other times you may be met with irritation or “you’re so selfish.” That’s okay. You want them to notice that something is different, so that they can make more conscious choices for themselves and your relationship.

Your marriage is your most intimate relationship, so you’ve got to feel safe in it in order for it to thrive. I wish someone would have taught us how to do this when we were 15 years old, but better late than never.

Boundary-setting is a topic of conversation we have all the time inside my program, The Decision. If you’d like to become more adept at setting healthy boundaries for yourself, maybe you should consider joining us.

Here’s your next step :: https://clarityformymarriage.com/truth-clarity?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

Does It Take Two People to Fix a Marriage?

https://sharonpope.com/marriage-advice/stay-or-go/fix-a-marriage/?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

If you find yourself begging for affection in what should be your most intimate relationship – you have to pay attention in the subtle stages before it becomes catastrophic.

I feel like there’s something we’re not talking about; like there’s this small shadow of an elephant in the midst of our conversations and relationships. Maybe if we don’t talk about it, we won’t give it life. The problem is that if we don’t talk about it, we will either create a numb existence for ourselves or we create a tortured, sick soul inside of us. But either way, there is life there even if we choose to ignore it.

What am I talking about?

We all have some degree of brokenness in us, but none of us want to admit that to each other. We all experience struggle in our lives, but we don’t want to shine a light on it or let anyone know that we’re struggling. “Everything’s fine,” we say to each other.

Why is it that it’s so taboo to show or express weakness or struggle within ourselves when we all intellectually know that we all deal with it from time to time? Are we that caught up in ourselves and our own ego that we think that sharing our brokenness with others will diminish our value somehow? Do we really care that much about what other people think? I think sometimes we do – and that’s another thing we all have in common.

We’re not alone in this and to experience pain, struggle, brokenness or loss isn’t a bad thing; it’s actually a gift. Those are opportunities presented to us where we need to heal and grow. When you work out and lift some heavy weights, you’re actually tearing the muscle, so that when it heals – it grows back even stronger; so it is with a broken heart. When you’re in pain and you take the opportunity and the journey toward healing, you will surface a new and stronger part of yourself. You will also get the benefit of seeing all the beauty and light and peace that exists inside of you, so that the next struggle is met with greater resilience and compassion.

We should try to not be so scared to go into the darkness, for there is a brilliant light on the other side. It allows us to be self-aware and live authentically, which gives us a sense of freedom. Maybe once we all start getting really honest with ourselves and each other about these opportunities, there will be fewer of us walking around with either a numb or damaged soul. Maybe if we talk about it, it may give others permission to explore their own heart. Maybe we can help one other find the blessing in the journey."

From http://ed.gr/chzne

If you are not willing to look at yourself, if you don't know thyself, how in the world can you show up fully inside of a relationship and be able to connect deeply with another human being?

Those are some of the tools at a very high level in terms of what I teach my clients.

Listen to episode 52, "Instead of Divorce, Can You Save Your Marriage By Evolving It?", here https://sharonpope.com/podcast/instead-of-divorce-save-your-marriage-by-evolving-it/?utm_campaign=meetedgar&utm_medium=social&utm_source=meetedgar.com

We set standards. For example, on your 10th anniversary you’re expecting a nice dinner out. Your husband planned a night by the fire eating takeout. You then get upset because he did not meet your expectation. Appreciate things, even when they’re not according to your plan.