Liane McKinley

Day 44- Am I Burnout?

As someone who has suffered from severe burnout and a long recovery after that, I can tell you that some of the signs of burnout are surprising and not common knowledge.
Before I was diagnosed with burnout, I had a string of lung issues and repeated bronchitis episodes. According to Dr. James L. Wilson, people suffering from burnout may have a series of respiratory infections, allergies, frequent colds, and asthma. While they may appear to family and friends to be lazy, that is not the case. People suffering from this level of burnout can lack optimal oxygen supplies and thus must work much harder than those with healthy adrenals.
If you are having a hard time with your memory and lose track of where you parked your car or what you were saying mid-sentence, you may very well be in burnout. Likewise, if making decisions seems overwhelming and you like decisiveness and feel like your brain is foggy, this is a sure sign that you may be suffering from burnout.
You may notice that your productivity at work is also lagging; please consult with a medical professional to discuss whether you are in burnout. Should your medical doctor not know anything about burnout, please find a naturopathic doctor. While more and more medical doctors are seemingly more knowledgeable about the adrenal glands, it is not something that they may have studied in medical school, so do not be surprised if they do not know how to diagnose you.
The bottom line is if you suffer from any of the above, please get yourself assessed so you can begin to heal from burnout if that is what you are suffering from. Please do not suffer in silence.

Day 43 - Getting Ahead of Burnout

As I stated in yesterday’s post, burnout can become quite severe and have long-lasting negative impacts on your health if you are unaware that you are suffering from it. Therefore, getting ahead of it and keeping your burnout from escalating into something serious is fundamental to your health. The following are some key indicators that you may be suffering from burnout.
If you feel like everything takes you so much time and energy to get done, you may be suffering from burnout. If performing everyday items that typically did not cause you trouble are now seemingly driving your frustration levels up, please see this as a warning sign. Furthermore, when you are on your way to burnout or already suffering from lower levels of burnout, every chore and task is daunting. It feels like you are carrying the mother load behind you as you struggle to accomplish the little things in life.
Another sure sign of burnout is when you do not feel rested no matter how many hours of sleep you have had the night before. You may find yourself pressing the snooze button endlessly before you have the energy to step out of bed. You just cannot seem to shake the constant feeling of exhaustion and might not feel awake until the middle of your day. As a result, you have no energy to go out and see people or run errands. Once you start to recover, the best thing you can do is not press the sleep button, open your eyes, and sun gaze for a minute as soon as your eyes are open… more on that later.
You may also notice that you have entirely lost your ability to cope with stress. The smallest of life’s challenges begin to feel insurmountable to deal with. Ultimately, you feel like you are coming undone and are falling apart. You may experience panic attacks or feel overwhelmed with little things that you are accustomed to coping well with. You may lose your temper with your loved ones more easily.
Should these sound familiar to you, please do not despair; if you take this as a warning sign and take proactive steps to start your healing process now, you will recover. If you suspect you have burnout, please consult with a medical practitioner.

Day 42- Know the Signs of Burnout

One of my missions as a coach to caregivers is to raise awareness around burnout. While everyone has heard about burnout and clearly understands it to be synonymous with caregiving, overworking, and extreme exhaustion, few people really understand just how dangerous higher levels of burnout can be. According to Dr. James L. Wilson, who wrote Adrenal Fatigue, the 21st Century Stress Syndrome, there are 4 stages to burnout. According to Dr. James, if a person reaches level 4 of burnout, they may never fully recover. I know this personally, as I have had severe bouts of burnout in years past. The truths about burnout are far less sexy than social media posts would suggest. You will want to get ahead of it and stop your burnout in its tracks before it progresses to the higher and irreversible levels.

You have two adrenal glands that sit on top of both your kidneys. While they are merely the size of a walnut, please don’t let their size fool you. Your adrenals are responsible for regulating every hormone in your body. They help to regulate your stress responses, blood pressure, and immune system. Messing with them can be an adventure that you wish you did not take. One of the signs to look for as an indicator that burnout may be in its earlier phases is when you find yourself unable to keep up with your day-to-day chores and tasks in ways that you are accustomed to. The best advice that I can give you if you are starting to feel too tired to cook, do household chores and clean the house is to not push yourself. Instead, take a step back and take time to rest your body as much as you possibly can. Stay tuned for more warning signs of burnout on Day 43.

Day 41- Do What You Can to Create New Memories It can be pretty devastating to watch the ill or aging loved one you are caring for health's decline. Dwelling on the past and finding yourself feeling blue as a result. In the past, I would find myself wishing that my d...

Day 40- Listen to Your Body's Whispers

Caregiving is an incredibly demanding job in all facets of our lives. Unfortunately, it does not take long before a caregiver goes from high-level energy to feeling tired. However, if you ignore your body's warnings and plug on, severe burnout can creep up suddenly. I recall when I was coaching with a large corporation, and the Vice President of the company would say, "Things always happen gradually, until they are here suddenly." He was referencing how often our clients would say things to the effect that some event or occurrence in their life was not predictable. They did not see something coming. The truth is, there are always signs before something happens suddenly. Unfortunately, as our lives are so busy, we do not slow down enough to notice and integrate the warning signs into our lives. We ignore the gradual until something progresses to the dangerous level of suddenly. The exact same principle applies to your energy levels as a caregiver. You will notice that you feel more tired some days than most days, and suddenly you are burned out. Burnout is never sudden. If you slow your life down and really lean into the process of listening to the messages your body is trying to give you, you will hear and see precisely what your body is trying to warn you of. Can you detect the gradual decline in your energy levels? Can you feel into and acknowledge when your emotional levels are inconsistent? Do you notice when you are getting triggered more easily? The key to surviving as a caregiver to a loved one is to get ahead of the curve. Get ahead of the suddenly and truly learn to listen to the whispers from your body. Please avoid getting to the point of no return with your burnout or other health issues. Do not ignore the signs and warnings.

Day 39 - Laugh Often, Including at Yourself

Lighten your load with laughter. It truly is a miraculous medicine. My dad and I laugh daily as I tease and make fun of myself; give him a reason to find humor. I will forget something and say something to knock myself, or we play with the dog. Any reason that I can find to make light of whatever is going on in the moment. Learning to take myself and all my mistakes and life less seriously is not only humbling; it is fun. There has never been a time that I can recall where we needed more positivity and fun as a collective. Please note that I am not dismissing the severe issues in the world or within your life, merely asking you to take a brief break from it all. We cannot fix everything in the world with one fellow swoop, however. As we were all born with the gift and purpose of finding happiness during the chaos, and no matter what situation we are dealing with, take time to really lighten up your day and your life with a pure heartfelt belly laugh. Scientific studies show that laughter helps to release endorphins into your body and serotonin into your brain. Laugher, therefore, can have a positive impact on your emotional, intellectual, and physical well-being. Do yourself a favor and find a funny video to watch on YouTube. Watch a funny movie or learn to laugh at yourself like I do. It so liberating to not take myself so seriously. Your body with absolutely thank you when you do whatever you need to do to find a way to invoke an infectious belly laugh. https://balance.media/power-of-laughter/

We were born interconnected energetically- we are a collective. Consequently, our positive intentions and healings impact the world around us through the ripple effects of the laws of science. All of our thoughts, actions, and emotions we emote into the world affect others energetically. The law of cause and effect also says, what you put out actively must come back to you; much like the law of gravity, the law of cause or effect, otherwise known as karma, is undisputed!
One way to really ground into the energy your soul is calling your attention to is to ask yourself, "What do I want to see globally. What is my wish for humanity and our planet?" You may be wondering, "Liane, why would I ask myself this question as a caregiver?" When we were born into this world, our souls came with a purpose. That driving purpose is about your soul giving back to the collective! However, we often give up on our dreams before realizing them because they seem too overwhelming and impossible to accomplish! So here's the thing: by going inwards and asking yourself how you can achieve that big goal and vision for our planet, you will be more aligned in your own life and thus the world. However, before you can positively impact the world, you must display and accomplish this same goal.
Your soul's calling your attention to what you are here on earth to do. What you are you meant to bring to it lies within you. What you most desire, no matter how impossible that goal may seem.
If you want to see more love in the world, you first must deeply and unapologetically love yourself. If it's global peace your soul yearns for, find peace within. If you want to see more equality, ask yourself if you treat everyone in your life equally and with unconditional and non-judgmental attachments? If it is a health
Once you align to your soul's purpose in your life, you become aligned to your goal, and you feel the freedom that your soul yearns for, what you came here to do! By extension and the laws of energetics, you are positively impacting the world at large. So today, journal and sit quietly while you ask yourself, "what's the one thing that I want for my planet "? Then go about being the change you most want to see in our world!

Day 37- Ask:" What Would Love Do?" As a caregiver to a patient who cannot live on their own, you are their lifeline. You will be there during their moments of confusion, anger, and sadness. When they need help to bathe or make sense of their situation. To...

Odd start to a post, I agree! But, however bizarre it may be, it’s a crucial question for anyone who has put themselves and their life on the back burner while caring for someone else.
As Caregiver, we often lose our sense of self to care for our loved ones. We lose contact with coworkers having quit our jobs. Most of us also lose contact with our friends as we are so bound to our homes. Take some time to reflect on who you are and what is important to you. What are your values, and what do you want to achieve in life? How do you want to be remembered at the end of your life? How do you want people to describe who you were? Does your day contain aspects of your unique self? Which parts of yourself are screaming at you for attention? Do you need to claim your artistic side? Are you living the values you believe in? Is your heart yearning for more fun, travel, and adventure? How can you implement/add some parts of yourself that you value into your life?
Take a few days to relax and a deep breath before journaling. Keep asking yourself what you value and how you can better show the world what you stand for.

Day 35- Cry and Cry Often
There is a Caregiver Group that I am a member of where another member regularly posts videos of herself and her mom. From her perspective, her videos show her compassion towards her mother. Every time I watch these videos, my eyes well up for mom. Being denied hugs, she tells her to stop crying. She wants to encourage her to be strong. I understand the intentions, and from her perspective, she is displaying her unwavering love for her mother. Unfortunately, these videos showcase our collective belief system around showing emotions as being a form of frailty. Despite acknowledging that we are beings with the ability to feel deeply for a reason, we have collectively deemed the highly sensitive as too weak. This belief system pains me, as I know firsthand how damaging burying emotions can be to your body and overall well-being. Humans are born with the ability to feel for a reason, so why deny ourselves the right to feel deeply without deeming it as evidence of our brokenness?
Everything, including emotions, is energy, and energy cannot be destroyed. It stands to reason; unprocessed emotions buried within are negative energies running freely within our bodies. When we are not willing to feel into and experience emotions, we cannot transmute them and release them so they cannot damage our bodies. As late Louise Hay would say, burying emotions in our bodies first creates dis-ease and an uncomfortable feeling from within, then disease. This uneasiness transmutes as a disease if it goes ignored and is not addressed and appropriately processed. When we ignore our right to feel deeply, we suppress emotions rather than feel into them. Please don't deny yourself a fundamental part of what it means to be human. Be authentic to whom you are by feeling your pain and finding peace and wholeness. Give yourself the gift of accepting your authentic self.
Let go of society's conditioning that tells us that to feel pain is wrong and weak. Instead, please, embrace your humanness. This past week was highly challenging for me. I spent an entire week allowing myself to cry. I did not post anything on any social media or my blog. Instead, I gifted myself the time and honor of crying. I cried more than I have for years. Today, I feel more at peace and a profound release of my pain. Please do not deny yourself or someone else the right to have emotions. While watching your loved one expressing their pain may be uncomfortable for you, that is more about your inability to cope, so instead, you tell them to stop crying. Caregivers deal with challenging issues daily, and the role is taxing and emotionally exhausting. Practice simply allowing yourself to let your emotions flow through you freely. You will heal faster and find peace more quickly. Feel deeply and cry often. Your mind and body will thank you for allowing yourself to be human and authentically you!

Day 34- HUG YOUR LOVED ONE AND YOURSELF MORE


Do not underestimate the power of a hug. Research suggests that hugs help us to feel a bond with the person we are hugging. Hugs are also known to foster feelings of safety, love, and caring. This post brings tears to my eyes as I was denied this simple yet profound experience as a young child. We all agree that children love and need hugs, but adults also need to feel cared for, loved, and safe. Yet, somehow as we grow older, we fail to give hugs or accept them as readily, particularly in such trying times where social distancing prevails. Research suggests that a hug helps to release the hormone oxytocin into our bloodstreams. Oxytocin is known as the happiness hormone due to its impact on our emotional states. Not only does oxytocin reduce anxiety and stress, but it also helps raise our levels of happiness.
Furthermore, the release of oxytocin helps make us feel better physically as an increased level of oxytocin helps reduce cortisol levels within our bodies. A reduction in cortisol serves to help our body's ability to fight illness by boosting the immune system. The posts of elderly adults holding and hugging dolls within the Facebook communities I am a member of tell the story well. A picture is worth a thousand words, as they say. We all have an inner child that needs to be loved, cared for, and embraced. Hug yourself and your loved one~, please. We can all agree that the world needs more love. Help your loved one and yourself to feel safe and cared for by providing more hugs. If you have a pet, hug your pet as well. According to the article below by Forbes, "Virginia Satir, a world-renowned family therapist, is famous for saying, "We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."

https://www.forbes.com/sites/christinecomaford/2020/08/22/are-you-getting-enough-hugs/?sh=762318e568da

Day 33 - GIVE YOURSELF A MASSAGE

As caregivers who spend plenty of our days lifting and bending, not to mention carrying around an enormous amount of stress, it is essential to destress yourself and your muscles by giving yourself a massage. While watching tv or sitting down, take the time to rub your head, neck, face, and shoulders so you can release as much built-up tension as possible. Statistically, we know that caregivers are prone to having trouble sleeping as well as getting headaches. Be preventative of the damning cycle of sleepless nights and headaches by taking the time to destress throughout your day. It is possible to give yourself a massage while working or watching tv at night or when you are in bed. The benefits of a self-massage include reducing cortisol which builds up within our bodies when we are enduring a lot of anxiety.

https://www.wearyourvoicemag.com/self-care-sunday-7-self-massage/

Day 32- Get Support

What kind of support you have available to you will be unique to your situation, the people in your life, the town, and country you live in, as well as the respite services that may be available? Bottom line, please do not go it alone in your caregiver role. Whether or not you have supportive friends and family helping you as a caregiver to your loved one, find support. Some help may be available with a PSW visit to your home to relieve you for a few hours a week. The waitlists for such services can be incredibly long, so plan to get your name on all services available to you immediately. You may be lucky also to have weekend respite services available, giving you odd weekends away for some badly needed time to yourself. Take the time to connect with a good friend to support your hard days. If none of these support options are available to you, please join a Facebook group with other caregivers. Getting support will help you feel less alone and allow you to vent when needed. Most caregivers express feeling isolated and alone in this role, so please do not let yourself stay stuck in low-level depression, which only serves to further feelings of wanting to retreat into yourself and suffer in silence! Take the time to get yourself informed as to what types of respite or volunteers may be available in your area to give you a break from your caregiver duties. Ask your loved one’s doctor to see if they know what types of help may be available to you. Most importantly, you will not feel nearly as alone and will learn a lot from the other caregivers in these support groups. Please reach out today and find some support system for yourself!

May seem simple, but for caregivers, it’s not always that easy!

Day 30- Get Out in Nature

Some of you might be thinking that some of my daily suggestions are so basic they are cringe-worthy. In part, you would be correct; they are basic and essential. Taking care of ourselves is not an unknown, but doing it is another story. Many behaviors that we fail to follow through on are not a challenge to action on, but somehow life gets in the way and slips us by without creating any significant changes to it. As a coach, I have learned to drill down the changes we want to see in our lives into small bite-size goals. We choose to do nothing when we create comprehensive plans that are too overwhelming and taxing to get done. We all know the many psychological and emotional benefits of getting fresh air and soaking up the sun. However, do you consciously plan on seeing mother nature a few times a week, even if just for 5 minutes, while rocking on your porch? What will you do this week to saunter outside and enjoy the beauty of our planet? Do what you can manage. Even if it is not a walk; try sitting and closing your eyes, soaking up the rays, or listening to the bird’s chirp. Be at peace and one with Gaia at least a few times a week. You will come back to yourself and feel more centered for it!

Day 29 - Learn about Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue is a secondary trauma due to a caregiver’s absorption of the energy and chaos of their loved ones. According to the Canadian Medical Association, symptoms of compassion fatigue include the following: feelings of isolation, sadness, detachment, and helplessness, increase in anger and exhaustion, substance abuse, loss of interest in activities, neglecting self-care, trouble sleeping, declining ability to focus and concentrate. Other common physical symptoms include GI tract issues, headaches, dizziness, and nausea. The most upsetting, however, is a complete loss of sensitivity and empathy towards their loved ones. As I struggled to understand my new role as a caregiver, I threw myself into research and learned about compassion fatigue. While most of the information I found pertained to trained medical professionals, I was surprised by how accurately it described me and how common it was in the caregiver Facebook groups I was a member of. And yet, not one poster labeled it as such. In tracking the struggles of the posters, I identified 11 emotions as unique to the unpaid caregivers: sadness, guilt, resentment, anger, stress, loneliness, hopelessness, grief, powerlessness, overwhelm, and disorientation, otherwise known as an identity crisis. Compassion fatigue is a secondary trauma that has also been referred to as the cost of caring and can creep up on you if you have unresolved primary trauma and are not caring for yourself profoundly and persistently.

❤️‍🩹🙏

The Unpaid Caregivers Plight The plight of unpaid caregivers has been a relatively silent one. As the world experiences an ever-increasing aging population, the people behind the scenes ...

Day 28- Stretch Daily

Creating a daily 5 to 10 - minute stretch routine can be so helpful for caregivers in relieving stress and keeping our minds calm. Stretching is shown to reduce neck pain, shoulder pain, and headaches that we can be prone to. Muscles become stiff, shorten, and tighten when not stretched routinely and in response to stress. Stretching can be easy and quick. For example, when I am in the kitchen waiting for a kettle to come to boil or food to finish warming up, I will stretch out my arms, back, and legs while holding on to the kitchen counter, thereby maximizing my time. Stretching is also known to improve sleep. We cannot underestimate the negative impact on our bodies when we hold stress continually. Thus, when we reduce the amount of anxiety and stress we are having, we are more likely to feel better physically and emotionally. Sometimes while laying in bed, I will also stretch out my hips, shoulders, etc. It does not have to be a long, complicated, or intense yoga routine to benefit from stretching. Be sure to rotate different body parts to stretch all your muscles in a balanced way. Plan when you will take 5-10 minutes once or twice in your day to simply stretch your muscles out while taking in some deep breaths in and out. Get started with your daily stretch routine today.

Day 27 - Try the Ho'oponopono Prayer to Release Guilt & to Forgive

I will never forget when I first went to Hawaii many years ago with my two daughters. It was my oldest daughter's dream and her graduation trip from me. It proved to be a trip of a lifetime that I could afford back then. Immediately upon landing in Hawaii, we all felt the magic of the land. Each island we visited seeped in culture, tradition, and healing energy. The islanders are living in a state of dichotomy. It felt as if time froze with all the sacred tribes still living off the land and protecting it as their precious resource it is. Holding dear to their traditions and using their cell phones to text and go on social media, just like the rest of the world. It was a magical experience and a blending of modern living with their ancestral history.
One of those many Hawaiian traditions I discovered is the Ho'oponopono Prayer. This easy-to-learn and graceful prayer is primarily used for finding forgiveness and is "pronounced.
HO-oh-Po-no-Po-no)". One can feel its effects immediately upon using it. Its simplicity, yet effectiveness, add to its high level of mistic.
I know for myself, at least one day a week, I need to replenish my body and sit for most of the day, barely uttering a word to my father outside essential instructions and conversations. It's not intended to be mean; it's all I can muster up as his caregiver. After suffering severe burnout years ago, I have since learned the need to listen to my body on those days. I feel bad if I snap at him or have little energy to speak to him as much as I do every other day of the week. It's a vicious cycle between meeting his needs and my own. They are at war with each other often. To help me rid myself of damaging emotions, I've started using the Ho'Oponopono Prayer for Self-Forgiveness.
As caregivers, we are often riddled and overcome with useless and energy-sucking emotions of regret, guilt, and resentment. Often our self-esteem erodes when we get upset with ourselves for not being perfect. We beat ourselves up for harboring anger towards our loved ones. We can feel angry, isolated, and alone as the role of caregiver seemingly takes over our lives and our identities. We are tested to our limits in a sea of despair and hopelessness.
When you feel overcome by uncontrollable feelings that are self-deprecating, try this beautiful and easy prayer. Get comfortable, take a few slow inhales, and start slowing your breathing down. Then repeat these four short statements in this exact order over and over again until you feel lighter and less distraught.
"
1. I'm Sorry
2. Please Forgive Me
3. Thank You
4. I love You. "
Not only can you apply the Ho'oponopono Prayer for self-forgiveness, but you can also apply it to send healing energy towards someone else you are seeking forgiveness from.
I hope you will free yourself from feeling bad about yourself when you are having a bad day. Please use this prayer and let me know how effective it is for you.
Love and Light Liane # # #

Day 26 - Find Your Faith Again

It does not matter whether you are religious or a spiritual warrior like me; finding your faith in a power greater than yourself is vital for your well-being as a caregiver. When we find faith in the guidance and protection of a greater power, we learn to let go of control and trust that all is well. We genuinely appreciate that we are precisely where we are meant to be and that nothing that comes with great rewards comes easily. For myself, my daily connection to spirit is through Tarot and Oracle cards. They never fail to amaze me as they continue to give me accurate guidance and wisdom. The more you lean into trusting, the greater power you subscribe to, the more it will support you and show you that you are protected. Trusting in the protection of a power greater than yourself is also a catalyst that impacts your health positively, as it reduces stress and allows you to begin to trust in the unknown of the journey ahead. When you can lean on the universe to catch you, anxiety dissipates. The miracles my dad and I experienced along our journey have been incredible~ Thus, I have learned to embrace it full tilt. It would seem the more that I trust, the greater my rewards and joy. We already know the negative impacts of prolonged stress on your health. Whatever your faith, please lean on it, and extend your reach now! In love and light xoxo

The way some people treat our ill elderly makes me so sad 😭

"I walked to the mall and on my way home a sweet lady asked me where the nearest medical clinic was. While giving her directions, she seemed overwhelmed so I told her I’d walk to the clinic with her. On our walk, she told me she had Alzheimer’s and forgets things easily. She told me her name, Mary, and that she was from Scotland. She told me about her grumpy daughter and her helpful son. She told me about her life before Alzheimer’s took away her memory. She told me jokes. She told me why she needed to go to the clinic. She showed me her crazy loud finger whistle and that she could whistle just as well with her thumbs! She could tell me many things, but had already forgotten where we were walking. At this point I realized the clinic would probably not see her without family but we went anyways and waited a half hour to see the doctor. She realized she didn’t have her phone with her after searching everywhere so we couldn’t call family. The doctor told me a family member needed to come along and that he could not treat her today. Mary said she knew how to get home from the mall and invited me to have a tea with her at McDonald’s. She said everyone knew her at the mall because she went there every day. She walks from home to the mall the same route so it’s now in her long-term memory so she can remember it. At McDonald’s everyone called her by name. At one point when she was coming back to the table she didn’t recognize me and asked if we were sitting together. I explained how our afternoon had gone. She told me her daughter’s phone number, so I phoned her and told her I was sitting with her mother at the mall and would wait until she came to get her as I wanted to ensure she made it home safely. No thank yous…daughter asked to speak to her mom. She wasn’t coming to get her. Mary cried after she got off the phone with her daughter. She could not remember her son’s phone number. After digesting the fact that her own young adult daughter was not coming to get her mother I told Mary that I’d walk home with her. We talked some more while we drank tea. Mary is kind, sweet, confused, friendly, chatty, and so starved for human connection. She was thankful to have someone to talk with and spend time with. She told me that she really liked me and that she doesn’t give out a compliment like that often. She asked why we were walking together. She asked how she got to the mall. She’d completely forgotten. I walked her to her door; her daughter came out, and rolled her eyes as I explained that I walked home with Mary as it was on my way home and I wanted to make sure she got there safely. I also told her about the clinic and how Mary and I had been together for a few hours. I was greeted with more eye rolls and no warmth whatsoever. There was no thank you, nothing. I don’t live with someone with Alzheimer’s so I am sure it’s complicated and difficult. I thought about what kind of a life Mary must have now. The not remembering. The dependence on others. The impatience of caregivers. The losing of the memories. The loss of short term memory. The difficulty going somewhere new. The scary feelings. The nervous feeling she told me about when she knows she should remember something but doesn’t. Her shaking hands. Her feeling stupid because she doesn’t remember like she should. The way some people treat her, even family. The sadness she feels. How she holds onto the pride she felt when she once drove a huge bus to Arizona and the whole group made it there alive. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay there with Mary. I wanted to protect her and make her feel loved and needed and appreciated. Mary smiled and I gave her the biggest hug and told her what a lovely afternoon I’d had. As I walked away, leaving her with her daughter, I burst into tears and cried all the way home…25 minutes, I cried. I’m still crying as I write this. Mary won’t remember me. Mary won’t remember the talk we had, why she went to the clinic or that she went to the clinic at all, or that we spent three hours together this afternoon. Mary won’t remember…but I WILL."

Credit: Melinda Howlett Gill