things I wanted to say but never did anyway

I surely will miss calling your name with fondness; Boss.. Erick.. Kierc, Dave. I know I can still speak it, but it would feel empty to just call your name so I wouldn’t forget you. Yes, I can still speak it, but it feels bitter to just call your name yet not be able to utter it and feel only warmth, of course it has to be with the feeling of yearning, too.

Whenever your name comes out of my lips, it brings me solace. So, just as I always do, I would reiterate your name to bring back the sense of home; to feel the novelty of it all.

proses and poetry | aree
0116

it overwhelms me how my life changed drastically in just a day. Everything changed the moment I knew you got back together. And the moment I knew about it is the same moment I stopped trying. And because I stopped trying, I also stopped seeing you.

Today, I didn’t see you. Not even a sight of your hankie, of your school bag, or just your shadow at all—so now I wonder what color was your handkerchief today. Was it green your favorite color in general; was it yellow your favorite handkerchief specifically, or was it grey just because? I don’t know. I’m afraid I won’t be able to know you anymore. I won’t be able to ask you how your day was and I won’t be able to complain about mine any longer. Will I still be able to tell you jokes I saw somewhere that reminds me of you? Will there still be a way of knowing you?

proses and poetry | aree
0312

pauwi galing skwela
di ako dadaan sa palat
paano ba naman, napakakalat
napaka ingay, matao pa
ayoko dumaan sa palat
kasi pwede namang diretso na lang,
mas mabilis pa
mas maganda ang view
pero simula nung nakita kita
nakilala’t nakausap
di ako nagdalawang isip lumiko
at dumaan sa palat, kasi wala lang
ang ganda ng mga mata mo, may kislap
gustong-gusto kitang nakikita pauwi
kasi kahit doon man lang,
masigurado kong safe ka
ganon kita kagusto
at sa tingin ko mas lalalim pa ‘to
wala naman akong reklamo
masarap din kasi sa pakiramdam
ganon kita kagusto..
I’m willing to walk in such a place just so I could catch a sight of you—a beautiful sight
hiniling kita kay Lord, at patuloy na hihilingin
kung bibigyan nga ko ng tatlong kahilingan
paulit-ulit kitang hihilingin
hanggang sa di mo na mapigilan ‘yang nararamdaman mo sakin
huh? meron na ba? haha
at sobrang lakas mo na rin yata sakin,
gabi-gabi kitang pinagdadasal sa Kaniya
ikinikwento pa kita
swerte mo ah? sana mapasakin ka
handa akong gawin lahat ng ayoko
tahakin ang mga ayaw ko
matutunan lahat ng gusto mo
basta ba maging akin ka

prose and poetry | aree
0116

When I miss you, or when I just miss the early times; where I was still contented with admiring you from afar—I’d read the pieces I wrote about you.. because it’s the only way to feel you again. It’s the only way to relive those moments back when everything wasn’t this hard, when everything wasn’t this heavy.

Will it be selfish for me to say that I felt at ease when I knew you were hurting about her? But it keeps me up thinking what goes on in your mind, knowing you are hurt. It saddens me even more whenever you feel miserable, and it makes me even more feel elated whenever you are happy. Whatever emotions you’d feel, I’d feel it even more.

kahit ikaw ang dahilan ng bigat na nararamdaman ko.. sa iyo ko pa rin gustong magsumbong; sa iyo ko pa rin gustong tumahan

bago ka pa makilala
ng mga mata at isip ko
nakilala ka na ng puso ko
ganon kita kagusto

sa tuwing nakikita ka sa hallway,
sa quadrangle, o sa canteen
paglapat pa lang ng mata ko sa iyo
binabalot na ng init ang puso ko

sobrang gusto kita
kilalang kilala na kita
pati ‘yang tindig mo
kabisado ko

alam ko pag bagong gupit ka
pag bago ‘yang bag mo
kung iba ang kulay ng panyo mo
o kung may namimiss ka

sobrang gusto kita
hindi ka na kailangan
hanapin pa ng mga mata ko
dahil ito ay pangyayaring kusa na lang

mas magaan ang mga araw pag nandiyan ka; mas payapa sa kalooban kapag kausap kita.

But if by chance,
it doesn’t work out with her
know that you can always
come running back to me
I’ll be here
Open arms

pag-uwi ko galing skwelahan
ikaw agad pumapasok sa isip ko
at dahil wala naman akong magagawa
kundi mamiss ka
ipipikit ko na lang ang mga mata
magbabaka sakaling sa ganitong paraan
sa isip ko, mawala ka
sa pagpikit ng aking mga mata
at pagtugtog ng mga awiting naaalala ka
sumisikip yung dibdib ko
kasi pinapasok mo na naman isipan ko
tapos saglit na tulog lang
paggising.. hindi pa man naimumulat
ang talukap ng aking mga mata
masakit na naman—
kasi naaalala ka
ng isip at lalo na ng puso ko
langya, di na ko makagalaw nang maayos
dahil buong sistema ko
ay kinakain ng pangalan mo

it strike daggers into me to surely know your stance in details—but not be able to go near you to talk to you; that i will always look for you in every crowded streets. it takes my breath whenever the thought of me not loving you any further and the fact that you won’t even care—comes in my mind.

nakakatakot na baka hanggang dito na lang talaga tayo. baka hindi talaga magkakaroon. baka magpapatuloy na lang din ako nang hindi kita nadama.. at nang wala ka

I hope you know I have a lot of things I wanted to say but never did anyway

alam mo lang naman na gusto kita
pero hindi mo alam kung gaano

for i not forget…

it is an ineffable grasp of torment and a heavy enduring pain of knowing and remembering. of realizing and taking it all in. it wrenches my soul to think that you and I, us, couldn’t possibly happen. it strikes misery to me at any time I picture you crying at the thought of her, while I drown in these dreadful abstraction that takes you away from me.

at times we don’t connect, your name would always be on my mind, and it would always be spoken through my lips. for I remember you, the things you adore, and stuff you despise. for I not forget your words, your traits, and your face. and it scars me that I can only think of you, and not touch you; that I can only remember you, but not commemorate you.

realizations come like an adrenaline rush that maybe.. I am not for you and you were meant to better yourself on just your own. that perhaps, I ought to give you a patch so that you can see things in their best form. though, I’d want to ameliorate you and these thoughts were torture to write down, this is when I sacrifice for I hoped what’s us.. letting go of the thing I’d still like to keep, despite the hurt and deep cuts it would leave.

just as I stumble across you and soon realized I like you enough or much, you introduced me into writing again. you taught me words and new ways of memoir to describe this immense solicitude for you. you reminded me of writing—of loving writing. you led me back to what holds me, to hold you.

saw a stranger’s name today and it felt so weird, because how could you even know a stranger so deeply as if you have known them your entire life?

and just like that, stupid decisions were made

you reminded me of writing—of loving writing.

this is when I sacrifice for I hoped what’s us.. letting go of the thing I’d still like to keep, despite the hurt and deep cuts it would leave.

and it scars me that I can only think of you, and not touch you; that I can only remember you, but not commemorate you.

ang coping mechanism ko ay magsulat nang magsulat ng mga tula at prosa whahaha

madaling araw na naman
pag talaga ganitong oras na
pag matahimik na at payapa
pag tulog na lahat ng mga tao
doon ko napagtatanto
na wala lang talaga ako sayo
na kinikilala mo lang ako bilang kaibigan
hindi bilang ako
hay, walang nag iba
talo na naman tayo

| aree

That makes me want to care for you more, do things for you, and make you feel like you are worth of anything and that love for you, should be easy.

You know.. I told Him about you. I prayed to him; that if any chance, could it be you? I wanted it to be you. I don’t know how and when have I found my self falling completely, utterly and helplessly for you; it doesn’t matter. what matters is I am falling. would you be there?

prose and poetry | aree
0110

I feel like a backburner waiting to be fired up
and he’s a heartbreak lingering, waiting to happen. I’ll be willing to be his backburner, anyway. about the heartbreak? I should not think of that now

proses and poetry | aree
0113

masiyado na ‘kong maraming nagawa at naramdaman para sayo.. para sa walang kasiguraduhang tayo

imagine the thousand songs I am yet to discover and dedicate to you..

I’m not a fan of risks after risks
but when it comes to you
it’s always a big take
always a big step
that it starts to scare me
just by the thought of..
how deep can I go
just so I could show my love for you
what I could give—would give
to a person who’s not yet done
loving someone from his past
it’s starting to send me shivers
—the fear of loving you
so much, so in depth
I can give you everything,
I can be all that you need
just give me one chance
…just one try

— aree