Zoë Aston

The pattern is, they all start with YOURSELF! You can’t find them in anyone else!

❤️‍🩹 Like this content? Save, send, like, comment.
📚 Want to read more? Get a copy of Your Mental Health Workout, available at all good bookstores.
📧 Want to go further? DM me for 1:1 session availability.

Save this for later 📩

is often driven by
an intense and unconscious fear of failure.

Thing is, success (le not failing) usually comes with a sense of responsibility and heightened expectations.

If we are frightened of failing, or of the expectations we set for ourselves, responsibility is not something we desire as it increases our chances of ‘failing’.

Therefore we unconsciously sabotage ourselves using any of the points above.

Are there any you’d add to the list?

In order to put a stop to your self-sabotaging behaviours you have to take responsibility for both your successes AND your failures.

That means not blaming others or shaming yourself, that means handling your thoughts and feelings and showing up for yourself regardless.

Enmeshed relationships are often hard to identify because for a time they serve a purpose for all people involved.

Although as infants feeling merged with a parent is appropriate and actually essential to our survival - as we mature we develop a drive to separate and become individuals.

The negative consequences of this individuation being stunted for the benefit of the parent (because parents self-esteem is conditional on child being a certain way) equals enmeshment.

If this is your stencil, as you start to form other adult relationships you might be able to identify with the symptoms listed above.

There are obvious ways that we consciously or unconsciously set out to destroy ourselves (or part of ourselves), addiction, self harm, food disorders, self-neglect, procrastination etc.

There are also much less obvious ways we can dedicate a life to destroying ourselves. Shame, guilt, anger - any action or inaction that undermines your health, wellbeing in the short or long term.

Often we do these things to help us cope with stressful and undesirable situations. Guilt for example often pops up when we are having trouble making sense of something - like loss or separation.

Something for you to reflect on this weekend - what could the root causes of your destructive behaviour be? Is it a self-esteem thing? Childhood trauma being reenacted? Fear of commitment? Abandonment? Not getting it right?

Just some things to think about…

Leave me a comment or question if you want more insight.

❤️‍🩹 Like this content? Save, send, like, comment.
📚 Want to read more? Get a copy of Your Mental Health Workout, available at all good bookstores.
📧 Want to go further? DM me for 1:1 session availability.

So often we are told not to feel sorry for ourselves. Not to engage in self-pity. But maybe there’s a time and a place for it?

Tell me when you think in the comments.

❤️‍🩹 Like this content? Save, send, like, comment.
📚 Want to read more? Get a copy of Your Mental Health Workout, available at all good bookstores.
📧 Want to go further? DM me for 1:1 session availability.

You are not a prisoner of your past. It was a lesson, not a life sentence.

For whoever needs this tonight...
It happened, it’s done, you can’t change it. We all make bad decisions. We all screw up sometimes...you are no different.

You can’t walk around with a ball and chain attached to your feet just because you don’t like what has happened to you, for you, by you.

You break free of the prison you create and maintain for yourself by taking ownership and responsibility.
Stop making yourself the victim in your narrative.

When you free yourself from the pain and turn it into purpose you realise it was just a life lesson not a life sentence.

Have you ever missed out on something because you thought it would be too difficult and regretted it later?

I have. Horrible feeling.

Too often we let fear and anxiety get the best of us. Imagine how things could be different if you learned to tackle to fear and anxiety and do the thing anyway…

❤️‍🩹 Like this content? Save, send, like, comment.
📚 Want to read more? Get a copy of Your Mental Health Workout, available at all good bookstores.
📧 Want to go further? DM me for 1:1 session availability.

I can’t tell you the number of clients I work with who have an underlying core belief that they are not good enough.

Some have been overtly or covertly taught that their self worth is dependent on what they have to offer.

It’s not. You are born with inherent worth, there is nothing you can do to increase or decrease your worth.

Sometimes people argue with me that one human can be worth more than the other. But it’s simply not true at all. When we take away material objects, social status, things we’ve done wrong or right in life - we are quite simply all worth the same amount of human as each other.

YOU HAVE ENOUGH.
YOU DO ENOUGH.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ENOUGH.

👋 Emerging out of the trenches of to say hello to you all. Thanks for reading in advance. X

Leave a 🍂 if you relate…

I’ve been reflecting on this since I posted on my stories a few days ago and over 1000 of you got in touch to say you relate (I swear my stories have literally triple the amount of exposure than my posts do 😂).

This quote has helped me understand so many of my changed and lost relationships throughout my 36 years of life.

When someone comes into my life I often wonder which of the three they will fall into and then of course, when people leave my life I find comfort in knowing that they were there for a season or a reason.

I hear the word a lot in my line of work. I also hear it in my personal life too. I feel annoyed when I hear people use the phrase ‘I’m triggered’ in order to avoid something vulnerable or uncomfortable. So just wanted to provide a bit of psycho education around triggers today.

It’s your responsibility to address your triggers. You can remove yourself initially but if you want to grow you’ll need to understand why you’re triggered and decide how you want to behave around it.

Ask your questions in the comments.

Do you struggle with negative thinking? Every wondered what the point of it is?

Comment 🙋🏽‍♀️ below if you can relate.

I’ve been trying to post this for a couple of days now but life got in the way.

Having been through a highly stressful week with a very poorly baby and being sick ourselves, my husband and I have been thinking about what makes a healthy family unit that can cope in times of high stress.

This is what we came up with.

I loved all your responses to the question ‘what makes a healthy family’ too. Many of you felt similarly to us.

You might look at this list and think the word ‘communication’ is missing. I have left it out on purpose. Many families think they communicate well and maybe they do because they talk to each other articulately, but if the three points above are not being adhered to, the connection piece that makes a healthy family system is still missing. And the three points above are what create connection and co-regulation.

The myth is that people who compulsively please others are doing to because they want to be liked. I suppose there is truth in that, but the deeper truth is that people pleasing behaviour is an attempt to fill a fearful space deep inside that has been left by controlling, enmeshing and toxic caregiving. Most commonly in the form of conditional love i.e. ‘I love you as long as you…think the same as me, always meet my needs, never do or say anything I don’t like”. This type of care can install levels of fear in children that lead to a dysfunctional need to make the caregiver believe they like them again. If we take this one step further, “I am not likeable/lovable” can become a negative core belief that is then taken into relationships outside the family and result in a desperation to be liked and loved and ‘TaDa’ we have a compulsive need to please others. People Pleasing leaves a person exhausted and resentful.

If your happiness depends on other peoples reactions, if you find yourself doing things because you think others will be happy with it, that is part of being a people pleaser. If you feel the need to rescue or fix other people that is one way you are attempting to control other people in order to make yourself feel ok. In order to feel like your self esteem is in place, but its not actually self esteem its more like other esteem. It’s not going to stick because it comes from the outside and self esteem needs to come from the inside. You might also feel an intense need to be perfect or for other people to see you as perfect all the time. Which takes me to, how perfectionism is liked to people pleasing. Getting approval from other people for being perfect is that little wound inside you that says your lovability is based on being perfect for others, pleasing other people. You have haven’t yet found a way to grow into the idea that we are all loveable just as we are.

See my stories for more info.

Sometimes you just need to be in a bad mood for a bit. Do you agree? What’s your definition of a ?

Do you edit yourself? Or will you let yourself be the full version of you?
🤔🙈❤️‍🩹🌝🌺

You asked me ‘How to feel/how to get in touch with your emotions. How to identify emotions and explore them?’

I’ve posted about this several times over the years and even written a book about how feelings are our mental health muscle.

The words in this post are taken directly from that book. You’ll find this and much much more, including breakdowns of how to work with each foundation feeling in the ‘Physio for your feelings section.

I asked you what was missing from your feed in terms of mental health content and you guys gave me SO MUCH to work with. Thank you. If you like this type of thing make sure you check out my book - Your Mental Health Workout - available pretty much everywhere. 🧠 💪🏼 ❤️‍🩹

Here’s the first question you asked:

‘How to cope with discomfort when communicating your feelings or needs?’

If you’ve spent your life shutting down on your feelings and needs because you are scared people won’t like you or will leave you, when you start communicating them you are liable to feel you are taking the risk of being disliked or abandoned, two things you’ve probably done everything you can to avoid historically.

Feeling this type of discomfort means you are working at your ‘psychological edge’. If this was a physical workout you’d be starting to get pretty tired, sweaty and maybe feeling unsure if you can or want to complete the exercise. And just like a physical workout, discomfort is where the change happens.

So then, how do you cope?

Let’s first, re-frame the sensation of discomfort. Discomfort can be, and often is, a positive thing. Paying attention to it what type of discomfort your are feeling. An absolutely six hour growth. Is your discomfort fear? Sadness? Grief? Anger?

Next, ask yourself, ‘what is this feeling trying to tell me?’ For example: is your anger letting you know that someone has violated your boundary? Is your sadness letting you know that you need comfort?

Lastly, validate the feeling - it’s valid simply because you feel it. This will, with practice, reduce your need for other people to validate or fix the feeling and allow you to be with the discomfort without feeling that it is unbearable.

You will learn to challenge yourself to cope with the discomfort rather than avoid it. Do not to push yourself to the point of injury however, still respect your instincts.

Uncomfortable is where the change happens; pain is where the damage sets in. This is about healing, not winning.

Tip: work on understanding your own experience of what it's like to see someone having a hard time, the more you understand about yourself, the easier it is to understand other people.

Who will you reach out to today?

Better late than never, swipe to picture 3 for a cute surprise 🥰

….in my entire social media career I’ve never jumped on a trend…but I guess things change…

➡️ And if you need more support with this get yourself the a copy of Your Mental Health Workout this Easter. See link in bio and visit my website for some freebies too. 🐣🏋️‍♀️🧠💕

Visit: www.yourmentalhealthworkout.com

Do you know the difference between wants and needs? It’s very easy to confuse the two, particularly if your mental health isn’t in great shape.

The here is a great exercise where ever you are on your journey.

And if you want more like this, grab a copy of Your Mental Health Workout - 5 weeks to a healthier, happier mind. Available pretty much everywhere, just google Zoë Aston.

I love this topic. It was the approach that changed everything for me. It’s by no means a quick fix, recovery took years of practicing this stuff…but it gets results.

It might not seem like it on the surface but my book has its roots largely placed in re-parenting. And if you don’t believe me you better get a copy, try the workouts and see what happens 😜

Please please put your questions below ⬇️ I can’t wait to answer them…

A note from me to me and from me to you 💞📝💔

Share with someone who needs this today ☺️

How painful is it to hear the words
'you have to love yourself before you can love or be loved by someone else' when you have no idea what loving yourself looks or feels like?

Whilst it's a lovely idea that we can all find true and wholehearted self-love before we find love outside ourselves, it doesn't always work that way.

It's ok to learn how to love yourself by letting love in.

For more like this turn to the Appreciation Workout in the book.
Link in bio.

So…i’m on the hunt for a therapist myself at the moment and it always strikes me how easy it is to become quickly overwhelmed and totally lost in an internet of people’s headshots and biography’s.

I would say one of the three things I get asked most is…’can you help me find a therapist?’ Followed by ‘I’ve looked don’t know and I don’t know where to start!’ Or ‘I saw someone last year but I didn’t really like them, they were not very helpful.’

Same same since I’ve been on maternity leave…so here’s a little guide.

As per the first photo here is a list of types of therapy you can consider (there are many more, this is just a starting point.)

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) targets a specific issue and helps change your thoughts and behaviours related to that issue.

Psychodynamic Therapy is a way of working through what happened to you as a child and how that impacts you today.
It also helps you understand your less conscious processes.

Person-Centred Therapy supports you to develop a strong sense of self and holds you as the expert on you.

Existential Therapy is a more philosophical approach that prompts awareness around your purpose and meaning in life.

Trauma Reduction Therapy helps you work through specific traumas, including abuse, neglect, loss and betrayal. It works closely with your body to help you understand your trauma triggers.

Psychos*xual Therapy (PST) looks to help you with intimacy issues, physical and emotional and overcome any s*xual difficulties.

Integrative Therapy uses a number of approaches depending on what the client needs.

If vou are in the UK vou can search directories like
BACP, UKCP, Psychology Today, CORST for a great selection.
Remember, the most important thing is how you feel when you are with them.

So…i’m on the hunt for a therapist myself at the moment and it always strikes me how easy it is to become quickly overwhelmed and totally lost in an internet of people’s headshots and biography’s.

I would say one of the three things I get asked most is…’can you help me find a therapist?’ Followed by ‘I’ve looked don’t know and I don’t know where to start!’ Or ‘I saw someone last year but I didn’t really like them, they were not very helpful.’

Same same since I’ve been on maternity leave…so here’s a little guide.

As per the first photo here is a list of types of therapy you can consider (there are many more, this is just a starting point.)

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) targets a specific issue and helps change your thoughts and behaviours related to that issue.

Psychodynamic Therapy is a way of working through what happened to you as a child and how that impacts you today.
It also helps you understand your less conscious processes.

Person-Centred Therapy supports you to develop a strong sense of self and holds you as the expert on you.

Existential Therapy is a more philosophical approach that prompts awareness around your purpose and meaning in life.

Trauma Reduction Therapy helps you work through specific traumas, including abuse, neglect, loss and betrayal. It works closely with your body to help you understand your trauma triggers.

Psychos*xual Therapy (PST) looks to help you with intimacy issues, physical and emotional and overcome any s*xual difficulties.

Integrative Therapy uses a number of approaches depending on what the client needs.

If vou are in the UK vou can search directories like
BACP, UKCP, Psychology Today, CORST for a great selection.
Remember, the most important thing is how you feel when you are with them.

As per my stories this morning, one of the best things you can do for your is to validate your emotions.

The emotion I’ve seen people and clients have the most trouble with over the years is…you guess it…anger. We do not like to admit we are angry.

We invalidate our pi**ed oddness, our frustration, irritation, fury, annoyance, exasperation and displeasure but saying ‘I’m not angry’.

But you are, everyone feels angry is one of the emotions that has contributed to our survival.

Use the above questions (third photo) to help validate your angry feelings and see what you notice.

Oxytocin…the ‘love’ hormone…OR NOT?

It’s a shy one, only really makes itself known in private situations. Most of the time you’ll need another person around in order to trigger a release of oxytocin, which is why you feel better when you’ve been around other people and so much of the mental health advice out there involves connecting and socialising with others (for more on this see my book, link in bio).

You get a rush of oxytocin during any kind of consensual skin to skin contact, having s*x, stroking your pets (fur to skin I guess) and any kind of social bonding.

It’s also oxytocin that helps you cope with monotony - the repetitiveness of monogamous relationships, parenting etc.

But there’s more to it…oxytocin can also be the cause of more undesirable emotions like jealousy and suspicion. Particularly in men, it also contributes towards being aw to identify the competition! It contributes to feeling like your in the ‘in’ group or the ‘out’ group and highlights anything or anyone that doesn’t ‘fit in’.

Oxytocin can heighten your stress response around people, places and things that come in from the outside because it stands on the precipice of addiction.

What’s your experience of the so-called ‘love hormone’?

📸:

In my ten years of being a therapist I don’t think I ever stop telling people this…

You can also be perfectly ok and still work on your the same way you do .

Check out my book Your Mental Health Workout - 5 weeks to a happier, healthier mind. Link in Bio.