The Grief Garden

Sara Rian Books

When I go, don’t learn to live without me, just learn to live with my love, in a different way.
And if you need to see me, close your eyes, or look in your shadow, when the sun shines, I’m there.
Sit with me in the quiet and you will know, that I did not leave.
There is no leaving when a soul is blended with another.
When I go, don’t learn to live without me,
just learn to look for me in the moments.
I will be there.
~ Donna Ashworth

~ Art Unknown

This is a difficult, but important truth to accept when trying to support a grieving person:

There is nothing you can do to take away their pain.

Getting your person to “cheer up” is not a realistic goal and trying to make it so can cause a lot of problems:

1. Your grieving person may feel like they need to put on a happy or brave face for you.
2. Your grieving person may receive your attempts to “fix things” as judgement that they aren’t grieving “correctly” in your eyes.
3. Your grieving person may find your attempts to “cheer them up” hurtful because (even though you may not realize it) your words and/or gestures of “comfort” come across as dismissive.

The result of these scenarios is:

1. They feel stress (on top of their grief).
2. They feel shame (on top of their grief).
3. They feel anger (on top of their grief).
They do not feel better. They feel worse.

No matter how good your intentions are and how much you try, if you approach grief support with the goal of cheering your person up, you are setting yourself up for failure.

So, let’s redirect that care and energy towards a different goal:

Assure your grieving person they are not alone.

Be there for them. Be there with them. It may not seem like much, but it’s the most important thing you can do.

For more, visit: https://speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/supporting-grief/be-authentic

Speaking Grief is produced by WPSU with philanthropic support from the New York Life Foundation.

No words needed. 💜

Even if you've never read the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, battled aliens alongside Spaceman Spiff, or nodded along with Calvin's parents. This is a wonderful read, and I do hope you'll take the time to read it and reflect🥰 Not sure of the author, but this one got us right in the feels.
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"Calvin? Calvin, sweetheart?"
In the darkness Calvin heard the sound of Susie, his wife of fifty-three years. Calvin struggled to open his eyes. God, he was so tired and it took so much strength. Slowly, light replaced the darkness, and soon vision followed. At the foot of his bed stood his wife. Calvin wet his dry lips and spoke hoarsely, "Did... did you.... find him?"
"Yes dear," Susie said smiling sadly, "He was in the attic."
Susie reached into her big purse and brought out a soft, old, orange tiger doll. Calvin could not help but laugh. It had been so long. Too long.
"I washed him for you," Susie said, her voice cracking a little as she laid the stuffed tiger next to her husband.
"Thank you, Susie." Calvin said.
A few moments passed as Calvin just laid on his hospital bed, his head turned to the side, staring at the old toy with nostalgia.
"Dear," Calvin said finally. "Would you mind leaving me alone with Hobbes for a while? I would like to catch up with him."
"All right," Susie said. "I'll get something to eat in the cafeteria. I'll be back soon."
Susie kissed her huband on the forehead and turned to leave. With sudden but gentle strength Calvin stopped her. Lovingly he pulled his wife in and gave her a passionate kiss on the lips. "I love you," he said.
"And I love you," said Susie.
Susie turned and left. Calvin saw tears streaming from her face as she went out the door.
Calvin then turned to face his oldest and dearest friend. "Hello Hobbes. It's been a long time hasn't it old pal?"
Hobbes was no longer a stuffed doll but the big furry old tiger Calvin had always remembered. "It sure has, Calvin." said Hobbes.
"You... haven't changed a bit." Calvin smiled.
"You've changed a lot." Hobbes said sadly.
Calvin laughed, "Really? I haven't noticed at all."
There was a long pause. The sound of a clock ticking away the seconds rang throughout the sterile hospital room.
"So... you married Susie Derkins." Hobbes said, finally smiling. "I knew you always like her."
"Shut up!" Calvin said, his smile bigger than ever.
"Tell me everything I missed. I'd love to hear what you've been up to!" Hobbes said, excited.
And so Calvin told him everything. He told him about how he and Susie fell in love in high school and had married after graduating from college, about his three kids and four grandkids, how he turned Spaceman Spiff into one of the most popular sci-fi novels of the decade, and so on. After he told Hobbes all this there was another pregnant pause.
"You know... I visited you in the attic a bunch of times." Calvin said.
"I know."
"But I couldn't see you. All I saw was a stuffed animal." Calvin voice was breaking and tears of regret started welling up in his eyes.
"You grew up old buddy." said Hobbes.
Calvin broke down and sobbed, hugging his best friend. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I broke my promise! I promised I wouldn't grow up and that we'd be together forever!!"
Hobbes stroke the Calvin's hair, or what little was left of it. "But you didn't."
"What do you mean?"
"We were always together... in our dreams."
"We were?"
"We were."
"Hobbes?"
"Yeah, old buddy?"
"I'm so glad I got to see you like this... one last time..."
"Me too, Calvin. Me too."
"Sweetheart?" Susie voice came from outside the door.
"Yes dear?" Calvin replied.
"Can I come in?" Susie asked.
"Just a minute."
Calvin turned to face Hobbes one last time. "Goodbye Hobbes. Thanks... for everything..."
"No, thank you Calvin." Hobbes said.
Calvin turned back to the door and said, "You can come in now."
Susie came in and said, "Look who's come to visit you."
Calvin's children and grandchildren followed Susie into Calvin's room. The youngest grandchild ran past the rest of them and hugged Calvin in a hard, excited hug. "Grandpa!!" screamed the child in delight.
"Francis!" cried Calvin's daughter, "Be gentle with your grandfather."
Calvin's daughter turned to her dad. "I'm sorry, Daddy. Francis never seems to behave these days. He just runs around making a mess and coming up with strange stories."
Calvin laughed and said, "Well now! That sound just like me when I was his age."
Calvin and his family chatted some more until a nurse said, "Sorry, but visiting hours are almost up."
Calvin's beloved family said good bye and promised to visit tommorrow. As they turned to leave Calvin said, "Francis. Come here for a second."
Francis came over to his grandfather's side, "What is it Gramps?"
Calvin reached over to the stuffed tiger on his bedside and and held him out shakily to his grandson, who looked exactly as he did so many years ago. "This is Hobbes. He was my best friend when I was your age. I want you to have him."
"He's just a stuffed tiger." Francis said, eyebrows raised.
Calvin laughed, "Well, let me tell you a secret."
Francis leaned closer to Clavin. Calvin whispered, "If you catch him in a tiger trap using a tuna sandwich as bait he will turn into a real tiger."
Francis gasped in delighted awe. Calvin continued, "Not only that he will be your best friend forever."
"Wow! Thanks grandpa!" Francis said, hugging his grandpa tightly again.
"Francis! We need to go now!" Calvin's daughter called.
"Okay!" Francis shouted back.
"Take good care of him." Calvin said.
"I will." Francis said before running off after the rest of the family.
Calvin laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. The time to go was close. He could feel it in his soul. Calvin tried to remember a quote he read in a book once. It said something about death being the next great adventure or something like that. He eyelids grew heavy and his breathing slowed. As he went deeper into his final sleep he heard Hobbes, as if he was right next to him at his bedside. "I'll take care of him, Calvin..."
Calvin took his first step toward one more adventure and breathed his last with a grin on his face.

Loss can be even louder during the holiday months and change the lens through which you see and feel everything:

Twinkling lights seem as though they’ve dimmed somehow. The sparkle has dulled. The music has quieted. The joy, hope, and magic of the season feels out of reach.

Grief doesn’t take a holiday. I hope that however it presents itself for you this season, that you’re able to sit with it and feel it. That you’re able to take a step back from the things you need to or bravely take a step forward toward the things your heart is ready for.

It’s okay if traditions look different as your heart catches its breath. It’s okay if you are welcoming back old traditions you’ve taken a break from. It’s okay if you’re bravely adding new ones.

There’s no rule-book here, but there is a ton of grace. This holiday season can look however you need it to.

And I pray that, like a gentle and unexpected friend, you still see places where hope glimmers. I hope you see reminders of your loved one sprinkled everywhere throughout this season.

And if joy or peace comes to meet you amidst the grief and pain, I hope you open your heart to the tension of feeling those things too. 🙏🏻

-Liz Newman

Always

🦋

-Donna Waag
-Grieving Moms Forever
-good grief_uk

❤️

💔❤️❤️

Today is . When someone dies, some may experience changes in their mental health, and it is important to know some best practices for listening to someone when they talk to you about their grief. These tips can be applicable when listening to anyone talk about something that may be difficult for them. To learn more about being a good listener, view the NACG's Guide to Listening on Repeat at https://bit.ly/3tnFSPX.

A new webinar has been added to our schedule for December. Join us for the "Neurodiversity and Childhood Bereavement" live interactive webinar on December 7 at 12pm ET. This webinar is free for NACG members. To register, visit https://bit.ly/3LXaG0j.
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In this training, Kailey Bradley, MA, LPCC-S, NCC, FT, will explore the concept of neurodiversity in depth. Subsequently, attendees will be provided with information on how neurodiverse children and adolescents may not fit traditional paradigms of grief which have focused solely on emotional processing. Attendees will also be given a wide range of practical tools that will equip them to integrate neuro-diverse affirming practices into their clinical work.

Check out this link for grief activities, resources, and other helpful information! 💜

https://linktr.ee/elunanetwork?fbclid=PAAabZCOFW83shmzNV2jC5JQCDKezSEYkudFLesubWEZUkFDhBd2HP5c6SUJs_aem_ATrYy9IvQdYG1coqhsmi-ahTOABF-bZhiTInLe3FdQqgej23cizUIkWsioRus8qWFqA

@elunanetwork | Linktree

Grief Resource… 💜

: Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go by Gina Moffa ~ recommended by FT, grief counselor and ADEC volunteer Kailey Bradley

This book is thoughtfully written by an experienced licensed grief and trauma therapist (LCSW). It provides a non-linear path through grief and is full of reflections, suggestions, and gentle recommendations. I often hear grievers share with me that they feel both explicit and implicit pressure to “move on” from their loss, particularly when friends and family who may not fully grasp the complexities of grief offer platitudes, challenges or directives. At ADEC we know that grief is an ongoing and often recursive process. I was so thankful to find this book and resource by Gina Moffa that feels like a giant permission slip for grievers to allow themselves the space, time, and air they likely need as they take small steps forward in (not away from) their grief and integrate loss into their lives in new ways.
After reading this book, I felt compelled to ask our ADEC community this question: How are you giving yourself permission to grieve?
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Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go is a great resource for counselors, chaplains, end of life care professionals, Thanatology students, hospice volunteers and grieving individuals alike.

Please visit this page for more information! En Espanol…

https://www.facebook.com/CorazonesEnDuelo?mibextid=LQQJ4d

Corazones en Duelo Nuestra Misión es ayudarle a Comprender
su duelo, Aprender a asimilarlo,
y así poder Sobrellevarlo

Keep going.
~Tina~

It’s okay to not be okay.

I said goodbye to my sweet boy Dodger today. I’ve been doing grief work for so long that I think I forgot how it feels to watch a beloved family member close their eyes for the last time. 💜

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Feeling all of your emotions is a strength. Try not to rush to move ahead. It's okay to sit, rest, and be with your thoughts today. Support is here if you need it. Text or call 988 💜

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