Matt D Fox

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What Does Resistance Tell You?

I was definitely in my Monday Morning No Thanks space yesterday. Deep into my own coaching session, and really not feeling it. Finding myself resisting the direction we were going in.

Itching to change the subject, just to move it all on through. Looking for an easier way out. Hoping for a different answer.

We stayed with it. I held on. My coach held on. It was uncomfortable. We held on some more.

Then something unexpectedly opened up from that space.

The thing I’d been resisting seemed so easy. I had clarity about not just what I needed to do, but how to go about it.

This is the power of coaching.

Holding space for what doesn’t want to be spoken or felt.

Shining a light on resistance. Inviting it into the open for a different perspective.

Here's my question for you.

What are you resisting in life?

What needs to be spoken, that can’t be said?

What can I help shine a light on, for you?

Photo by Rio Hodges on Unsplash

What Drives You On?

Is it the thought of success down the road?

Is it creating a legacy for yourself or your family?

Is it doing good in the world?

Is it thirst for recognition?

Is it the standards you set for yourself?
All these things have had a part to play in my journey at some point. I’ve been seduced, persuaded and sometimes conned by my own story that any and all of those things really count.

I’m not saying they don’t have value. They are the output of your creative endeavour.

But digging deeper, what is it that really pushes you in any direction? Or any behaviour for that matter?

My guess is that it’s not what you think.

What we are all looking for is greater inner peace. Stillness. The quiet place where, inspite of the storm raging, we are completely at ease.

Sometimes it seems that getting any of the things I suggested above or whatever your thing is, will get you that stillness.

Maybe it does for a moment or two. But then the searching starts again.

What if you had everything you needed already? What if no searching was needed to be in touch with the stillness we are?

When You Feel Trapped

Whether it’s the job, the family needs, the social situation or something else, there are times when we all feel trapped.

It can look like there is no way out, no way that anything can change, no possibility of improvement or expansion.

I’ve often felt like that. Dreading the day, feeling like I was pushing up hill. Getting caught up in all sorts of ideas of how things should be panning out and comparing them in detail with the reality I was experiencing.

There is so much suffering created in the gap between what we think life should be and how it is unfolding.

Our instinct is to want to take control. Change the circumstance. Manage the situation.

What if life was unfolding just as it should? What if there was nothing to manage? No circumstance to change?

What if the feelings you were experiencing were telling you nothing of the situation or what needed changing?

Might that clear the path, remove the trip hazards? Might it open you up to your own creativity to either live the situation fully as it is, or to get an insight into what might need to change?

Are You Struggling With Change?

When someone comes to work with a coach, one of the underlying reasons is often this.

They want to change themselves.

The predominant paradigm of the coaching world is that there is always improvement that can be made. For example:
Letting go of limiting beliefs
Taking courageous steps
Changing toxic or negative behaviours
Growing self-esteem
Being more assertive

Those are all good goals, in themselves.

Most approaches to tackling these needs are what I’d call additive. Strategies, techniques, tasks which all help reframe or reform your approach to life.

The trouble with these, is that change is rarely sustained or lasting. The discipline or technique seems dependent on motivation, focus. There is pressure involved. Maybe even cajoling yourself into action.

And then shame, guilt, despondency when you fall off the waggon.

It’s a route that is full of effort. The road to mastery of self.

What if there was a different way? One that took the pressure away. That opened you up to the connection with who you truly are. Where goals were a place to come from, rather than get to. Where attachment to outcome, where belief that things will be better when...are not needed.

How much lighter would that feel? How much more aligned with who you really are? How much more effortless would that be?

If you’re curious, send me a message.

What Keeps You Playing Small?

Is it fear of judgement? That others might think you arrogant, over ambitious?

Or that they’ll expect you to fail?

Is it your own inner dialogue, telling you ‘I could never do that…’?

Is it the catalogue of knock backs, wrong turns and failures from the past?

Is it a story you’re carrying from childhood, that it’s not ok to be too visible or to take up too much space?

I’ve been prey to all those thoughts and more.

We spend so much time talking ourselves into things and out of things; playing out scenarios.

I’ve often teetered on the edge of the diving board of life, terrified of making the leap.

The thing is, we never know how anything will turn out. We can plan and speculate with scenarios. We can use past data to predict the future.

All that can be helpful, but not if it stops you from ever getting out of the starting blocks.

All you ever need to do is take the next step, knowing that your feelings of fear, doubt, dread, excitement are never telling you about the goal or task in hand. They’re just telling you about your state of mind in the moment.

If you stepped beyond those feelings, what would you do differently today? How freeing would it feel to stop playing small?

If You Could Wind Back The Clock...

What would you do more of?
Work harder?
Pursue your career ambitions more fully?
Spend more time with your family?
Have more fun?
Create more in the world?
Tell people close to you, you loved them more often?
Look after yourself better?

And what would you do less of?
Work less hard?
Be less distracted?
Be less angry, sad, frustrated?
Worry less about small things (and maybe the big things too)?

I’m not recommending dwelling on the past.
However, knowing what our past is, can help us live every moment as it if all matters, right now.
If you knew you were free to really be yourself, how would you choose to live this life of yours?
How would you show up in your relationships, your work, your play?

Do You Need To Come To Your Senses?

Is there something you’re resisting, or clinging on to?

Have you ever had someone say to you that you needed to come to your senses about it?

It’s an expression that came up in conversation last week and it gave me pause for thought.

This isn’t a post about snapping out of it. Though in a way it is.

I’ve generally heard 'come to your senses' as a kind of chiding; that I needed to see more clearly; be sensible, get with the programme.

But actually, I see it has some deep wisdom attached to it.

If you come to your senses, you drop into the present moment.

Think about it. When you’re fully in touch with all your senses, you can only be in the present moment.

When your head is full of stuff, when you can’t see the wood for the trees, you’re probably not in the now. You’re trying to think your way out of a situation.

Analysis and reflection are helpful but they’re always based on what you already know.

When you come to your senses, in the present moment, you have access to fresh new insight. Solutions, options, inspiration present themselves.

From there, anything is possible. From there, you are anything but stuck.

Is It All Worth It?

The hours you put in.

The travel. The commute.

The projects you work on.

The money you earn.

The rewards, tangible and intangible.

The fulfilment you feel.

If it is, brilliant.

If it isn’t. Ask yourself this.

What’s holding you back from change?

Fear?

Some kind of comfort in the familiar?

Feeling trapped?

The unknown?

And ask yourself this too…

What are you tolerating? In yourself,,, In others?

If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you be doing now, that you’re not doing?

Are you ready to open up to all that life has to offer you?

Drop me a message, and we can talk about how I can help.

Your Inner Alarm System

Wouldn’t it be great if we had a failsafe way of knowing when we were going off track?

An inbuilt alarm system that let us know when we were at risk of taking a wrong turn or losing our bearings…

You might be thinking, ‘Sure, I have that already; it’s called my feelngs.’

And to an extent, I would agree with you. Your feelings can, and do tell you when you’re off track, but not in the conventional way most of us understand it.

That sinking feeling about work or a social engagement, isn’t telling you about those things.

That fear of making a presentation or joining a group isn’t telling you about those activities.

The anxiety of making a wrong choice isn’t telling you about the choice or the outcome.

It’s really simple. Those feelings are telling you, you’ve fallen out of the present moment. That you’re caught up in your head.

In the present moment, only wellbeing can be felt. Happiness, which isn’t in the absence of feelings of sensations, but in the simple state of presence.

It’s available to all of us all the time. And our feelings are the intelligent monitoring system that are there to nudge us back into the present.

Knowing this can change everything in our relationship to life, to stress, to overwhelm and open us up more to our aliveness, more of the time.

What Do You Hold Back On?

This was a question asked of me, yesterday. It was a subtle enquiry. Not about the superficial of the doings or not doings on my life, but more about how I show up to what and who’s in my world.

I heard it as this. Do I give a full expression of myself in my interactions with myself, my clients, my loved ones and friends?
It gave me pause for thought. The answer isn’t straightforward either.

But I wondered, what truths do I stop myself saying, where do I censor myself or really hold back from being completely honest, present, connected with those in my life?

I’m inviting you to reflect on the same. If you show up fully, if you speak your truth full, if you connect fully, what difference would it make to your life?

Are You Chasing Joy?

It’s so easy to get caught in the longing for happiness. Thinking that there is an end state to be achieved. A destination to get to.

When we attach our wellbeing to future states we’re placing a bet on something that hasn’t yet happened.

What if everything we needed for wellbeing and joy, were here, right now?

It’s not to say, we shouldn’t have goals or destinations, or that the creation of something in our lives isn’t valuable. It’s just that the destination is not where joy is found.

When we get attached to an idea that it is, then we create a lot of pressure on ourselves for life to be a certain way.

Joy is always available in the moment. Feel your aliveness. Experience life with all your senses.

With nothing to change, nowhere to get to in this moment, what is alive for you, right now?

One thing characterises many of the people I work with. They give themselves hell for not shaping up, for making mistakes, for not being on top of their game, for falling short.

When I ask, sometimes they say that kind of critical voice seems like it’s an ally. It keeps you on your toes; stops you from letting up on the pressure to succeed.

I’m all for taking responsibility and holding yourself to account. But who, in all honesty, works well with a virtual gun pointed at their heads?

If you’re looking for the slightest vulnerability and transgression all the time, you’re putting yourself under continual pressure. With pressure comes less clarity, less capacity to see what needs to be done.

We all make mistakes. Our greatest learning is often through these.

But what if we opened up to a compassionate response to our failures. How much more ease would there be? How much more flow?

What Are You Waiting For?
I was talking about timings yesterday. When is the right time to take a decision? How do you know, say, when to quit, to push on, to take a break?

As we reflected on our own situations, it struck me that so often we can get caught in waiting for the perfect conditions.

We wait for a sign, more data. We wait for a feeling, evidence, pointers. We wait for our fear to abate or our hope to increase.

We wait for a time of year. Or a certain amount of money in the bank. Or the best deal to be on offer.

Don’t get me wrong. Doing your due diligence on decisions makes good sense. Evaluating options. Considering potential outcomes and risks. All that is sensible planning.

But none of those things creates the impulse to decide. In fact the more deeply you go into analysis, the less likely you are to decide. Paralysis by analysis, they call it.

I like Michael Neill’s take on decision making.

There is no decision to make until you take it. When you know you know and until then you don’t. All the energy we expend on mulling options, taking a step to the precipice just to reverse back until we finally are ready is pretty fruitless.

When you get clarity, you act. Until then you don’t. This is such a simple take on how to make a decision, but I’m willing to bet it reflects the reality of how you make your decisions, from the mundane to the big ones irrespective of how much data and analysis you do. When you know, you know.

When Low Moods Strike

I guess we’ve all been there. Feeling down, low, listless, heavy. Experiencing energy dips, low motivation.

When you’re feeling that way, does it play on your mind? Is it something you’d ever share, other than with those closest to you? Or not even them?

There were long periods in my life, where I’d hide my low mood. As if it were inherently shameful. Not to be shown or discussed.

I’d put on the mask of cheeriness, resilience. I’d keep my chin up, so to speak.

But goodness it was exhausting. Fighting against the tide of my own emotions.

That was the crux of it. Not the shame of embarrassment of feeling low, the fear of judgment or rejection by others, but how I judged myself for feeling that way.

There was so much resistance and chiding and wanting to fix, that took up more energy than anything else.

Now I see there is nothing to do, nothing to fix. We always come out of low moods, back into our wellbeing. The weather system always passes through.

The other thing I see, is that low mood doesn’t stop us from functioning. It’s the story we create about it that does.

If you examine this for yourself, is it the low mood that holds you back or is it the thinking you have around it (I can’t do X, I can’t meet Y)?

If you came into a compassion relationship with your low mood, what would change?

What Are You Striving For?

Is it recognition? Respect? Advancement?
Is it more pay? Is it status?
Is it to make an impact in the world?
Is it to have interesting and valuable experiences?
Is it to serve others?

There’s nothing wrong with any of these aims. But any time we get attached to an idea that those pursuits will bring us some kind of peace of mind or wellbeing, we are chasing shadows. We find ourselves in temporary states of satisfaction and then off to chase the next high.

The more we see that peace and wellbeing are already who we are, the less we need to go after those highs

Creating, serving, earning, making an impact and any other goals are all valid. They’re also so much lighter and freer when we go at them from that place of knowing who we truly are. Knowing that the stillness we seek, the inner peace are already available to us without striving.

What If You Don’t Feel Like It?

Another Monday morning. How’s your motivation today? Zinging, ready for the week?

Middling, you’re ok but not on fire? In the doldrums, you can’t really be bothered?

Whatever you’re feeling, that’s fine. Non negotiable. We don’t get to choose how we feel.

But you do get to choose whether you pay heed to those feelings.

You see, they’re not telling you about Monday morning, or the job or your colleagues or your commute or your to do list.

They’re not telling you about what happened last week or what might happen this week.

They’re just giving you real time feedback about your current state of mind.

So if your energy is low, anxiety is high, you’re living in the experience of your state of mind.

The more you see that, the less you have to worry about changing your circumstances to feel better.

Equally, those feelings have nothing to say about whether you can do or can’t do something.

You might just think of them as a speedometer on a car. It can only tell you one thing - the speed at which the wheels are turning. It knows nothing of the road conditions, the state of the car, the weather, the amount of fuel in the tank.

If you didn’t take those feelings personally, what difference would it make to your day?

When You’re Running On Empty
If you’re:
Struggling with your energy.
Your sleep is disrupted
Your tolerance is low
Your health is affected
Your eating has gone to pot
You find yourself irritable or angry a lot of the time
Your sense of humour is evaporating
Your brain is foggy or unclear

If you’ve lost:
Perspective
Joy
Equilibrium
Wellbeing
Hope

If you:
Long for better days
To get the hell out of this situation
Are desperate for the weekend
Fear Sunday nights
Worry about your relationships
Everything is screaming, stop. Take stock.

Give yourself the gift of taking care of you, whatever that looks like:
Time out
Asking for help (even if you never usually do)
Treating yourself with kindness

You only have this one life.

Is it time to reset?

How Do You Compare Yourself?

We all do this from time to time. Take stock of what others are doing. Glance over our shoulder.

‘Am I ahead of where I think I should be? Am I behind? Am I equal?’

Or maybe it relates to ease. ‘They seem to find life so much easier. It all happens so smoothly for them. They seem so much luckier.’

In the moment, it leaves you with a feeling. Either a temporary spike of satisfaction or a dip into the doldrums.

We’re always looking for confirming stories and patterns. That we’re either over achieving or underachieving.

It is this pursuit of something on the outside that creates suffering. When we look to the outside for validation or confirmation in can only go one of two ways and that feeling is always temporary.

What if there was nothing to compare to? What if there was no state of wellbeing to get to? What if everything you needed to be in your wellbeing was already within you?

Where Do You Hide?

“Much too early in life we decide that we have a certain personality, and then we climb inside it to hide.” Steve Chandler

If I’d read this a few years ago, I’d have balked. ‘That’s not how it is. We don’t get to choose. I am who I am.’

Now reading it, I’m intrigued by this idea that we may climb inside our personality to hide.

This is what I hear when I read this:
We are not our personalities.
We are not limited by how we see ourselves, the stories, expectations, beliefs that we attach to ourselves.

We can buy into this idea that we are powerless in the face of our thoughts or feelings, or we can take a deeper, kinder, more loving responsibility for who we are.

The responsibility of not being passive in response to the unfolding of our lives. The responsibility of living into our deepest nature, our fullest potential.

What If Life Was A No Stakes Game?

I heard a great line from a coaching session I observed last week. The focus was on decision making and how we can all get caught up in serious procrastination around decisions.

At one point the coach said, ‘You’re seeing this decision as a high stakes game. What if it was a no stakes game?’

It seems, in making big decisions, that that there is so much to lose if we make the wrong choice.

We think our feelings have some kind of predictive capacity, that they might foretell our success or failure in a given venture or direction.

I’ve agonised over decisions for that very reason. Hesitating, halting, u-turning.

That’s not to say it doesn’t make sense to evaluate choices and explore options. That’s common sense.

The message here is simpler. Our feelings don’t tell us about the likely outcomes of our decisions. They’re just telling us about our state of mind in the moment.

Our psychological wellbeing has nothing to do with the decision we take or drop. Our feelings aren’t feeding us information about the rightness or wrongness of the decision.

Seeing that is incredibly freeing. It takes the pressure off getting it right.

Heart of Dad Season 1 Episode 3: Tim Jameson

The Joy of Work-Life Integration

This week Tim Jameson and I go deep into the challenge of how to show up for your family while driving yourself hard at work and what happens when things go off track. In the episode we discuss:

How we can be on a track to burning out without seeing it

When we get to living in survival mode

How it's about work-life integration, not balance

The moment he realised his family was getting the last of the fruits of his energy and what change that prompted

How we can give clients more attention than we do to ourselves and our families

How we can be successful at work but not at home

Choosing not be like our dads, when it comes to parenting

Why 'go and talk to your mum' is a route to experiencing delayed guilt

The risks around exasperating your children

The unexpected opportunity for connection offered through a child's nightmare

Adjusting expectations around personal freedom and environment

Making space for your relationship when you have teens

Decluttering your life to consciously make quality time with your children

Links in the comments.

Are You Playing Small?

Let me ask you this?

When do you hold yourself back?

How far do you let yourself dream about your life and what it could be?

How much do you censor your deepest longings and imaginings?

How often do you push yourself to the back of the queue rather than the front?

How much do you settle for or just tolerate?

I’ve had times in my life where I’ve told myself, I just can’t. Or it’d never work. Or it’s just not me. Or others are luckier than me, or more able.

It’s the tyranny of the prisons in which we keep ourselves. All stories. All based on an innocent misunderstanding about what our feelings are telling us.

Feelings know nothing of our capacity to create. Nor of our likelihood of success or failure.

Playing small is often based on an illusion of staying safe.

But safe from what?

If you could step into your full creative potential, what would happen? What would you be offering the world?

Do You Fly Under The Radar?
Some people are highly visible. They’re the hand raisers. The first in line. The ‘I’ll do it’ ones.

Others, sit back. Keep a low profile. Quieten themselves. Make themselves small, literally (sliding down in the chair in a meeting) or metaphorically.

Think of a class of 5 or 6 year olds and most, if not all, won’t be flying under the radar. Ask a question and you’ll be faced with a barrage of ‘me me me’ responses. Their enthusiasm to create and be visible in unquenchable.

So why is it that some of us stay with that energy and others pull back from the front line, into adulthood?

I don’t think this is simply about introversion vs extroversion, though that might play a part.

There’s something about the story we develop of ourselves. We tell ourselves ‘I’m ashamed or uncomfortable to be seen. I don’t want to be looked at or to take up too much space.’

I’ve done that at times in my life. Sitting on my hands, so to speak, rather than letting my energy, enthusiasm, passion be seen. I’ve been the quiet one. Reflective and not always forthcoming.

What would happen if you stopped buying into that story? If you let your enthusiasm, your energy, your authenticity shine out, unedited?

Where would it take you?

What Do You Pay Attention To?

I had one of those days of resistance yesterday. A big to do list and no great motivation or impulse to go into it.

It was a feeling of ‘I don’t want to’, which I recognise as coming and going in me all the time.

What do you do when that happens?

Soldier on? Down tools? Go at it full tilt? Or half-heartedly?

I know enough about how the mind works these days to know that I don’t have to pay heed to the feeling. It’s perfectly possible to take action and even if you don’t have motivation or confidence.

Sometimes though, that feeling is perhaps giving you a simple message.

It’s time to slow down, take a breath, recharge rather than charge on.

How do you know?

For me, if the feeling is accompanied by a tightness, an edge, a quality of agitation or urging on, it’s not one I need pay attention to. It’s like a false whisper in the ear.

If it’s accompanied by an openness, a warmth, it’s coming from a deeper wisdom, a loving impulse to take care of myself.

The inner compass never lies. It always knows where your True North is.

Do You React Or Respond?
Sometimes something kicks off in you in reaction to another. Maybe it’s a tone of voice, a particular phrase, a look, an expectation…

Or maybe it’s situational. You’re in traffic, on a train, on a bike, in a queue, and you feel your space or boundary is under threat.

Emotion arises within you and you fire off or seethe inside.

Other times, you observe someone else’s behaviour or demands and you respond. The emotion arises within you but it doesn’t dictate what you say or do.

You keep your clarity and find a way to navigate someone else’s storm without getting caught up in it.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson says:
“Why should my happiness depend on the thoughts in someone else’s head?

Seeing that is powerful in itself.

I would also add something else, too.

“Why should my happiness depend on the thoughts in my head?”

We can get so caught up in our thoughts, attributing meaning and significance to them.

But happiness doesn’t depend on our thoughts, the more we see them as impersonal, unchosen, continually flowing through us, always changing.

They create the story, but we aren’t the story.

Heart of Dad Season 1 Episode 2: Stephen Walsh

Have you ever felt like you were 'falling behind' with family life?

This week Stephen and I go deep into what it takes to start and run a business with three young children and to do it while commuting across borders. It's not for the feint hearted!
In this episode, we discuss:

The pressure of dividing your attention, particularly when you have really young kids

The role of primal fear in driving you on

Making unspoken deals to manage the tension between work and home

The addictive cycle of busy-ness

Getting real with clients about family life

How our kids ground us as 'mini-mindfulness' experts

Role modelling flexibility for our kids

Getting new perspectives on impatience

Show links:
https://www.heartofdad.com/season-1-episode-2-stephen-walsh/

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/heart-of-dad-season-1-episode-2-stephen-walsh/id1493626121?i=1000461983565

https://open.spotify.com/show/58yY5j30cnZSxCqnOrhQHg

Free Facebook Community for dads where we go deeper into the topics: https://www.facebook.com/groups/heartofdad

Season 1 Episode 2 - Stephen Walsh Season 1 Episode 2 of Heart of Dad. In this episode serial entrepreneur and writer, Stephen Walsh is in conversation with Matt Fox.

Are You Making Progress?

Most of us evaluate ourselves at some point.
Have I got to where I want at this point of my life?
Have I achieved my goals? Am I in the place I hoped for or expected?

We get into to feelings either of happiness or dissatisfaction depending on where along the spectrum of success / failure we place ourselves.

Games makers know a ton about this. They know the dopamine hit you get when you make progress. That little rush of feel good energy. They build in levels and challenges so that you get the hit, every time you progress.

So it’s no surprise that we get hooked into into chasing the highs that come with progress, whether it’s in a game or in real life.

What if we didn’t need to progress to be joyful? What if we didn’t need to get to a destination to feel better, improved, developed?

We can get so caught up in ideas of self-improvement and development that we lose touch with who we truly are: part of something bigger, already whole, already perfect.

The longing for progress is fine. But if we get caught up in an idea that it will make us better, improve us, make us whole, we end up chasing shadows.

So what shadows are you chasing?

The Power of Speaking Your Truth

How often do you hold back from saying what’s on your mind when it really counts?

I’ve had so many conversations this week about what we feel we can voice and can’t voice in our lives.

I’ve sometimes held back from saying something that felt profoundly important to me. I’ve got caught in stories about what might be said, how I might be perceived. I anticipated outcomes, good and bad that really I knew nothing about and got caught into talking myself out of things.

There have also been times when that truth has had to come out, and nothing would stop it. I remember confronting a bullying teacher as a 13 year old, unwilling to tolerate his shaming behaviour anymore.

Or in my professional life, calling clients to account, when their behaviour crossed the threshold from assertive to aggressive.

In those moments, I felt a clarity of thought, a stillness around me. And while I felt scared to voice this truth, I knew it had to be said.

When we connect with our power, when we honour what our own truth, that energy is unstoppable. Of course we can’t control the response of others. We don’t know what the consequences might be. But more often than not, I’ve seen that speaking our truth is met with acknowledgement. It creates a space and energy for something to be heard.

Nothing may change and yet in that moment, within you, everything changes. You go from voiceless to having a voice. Powerless to powerful. Invisible to visible.