Rainbows and Rabbit Holes

As a medic when we would do extrication classes, one of the things the instructors would tell us is what we were doing (cutting, spreading, etc) was not working, you can't keep trying the same thing over and over expecting something different to happen. You have to try something new. Funny how cutting on cars can apply to our mental health.

ROLLERCOASTERS: I'm 6 years into my journey of growth after being diagnosed with PTSD. I have learned a lot during those years. I've learned that I am responsible ONLY for my actions, and I am the ONLY one that is responsible for my mental wellbeing. People in your path will claim to have your interest at heart only for it to be revealed that it was for their benefit overall, not yours. People in your path will try and make you believe that it's your fault that things are like they are. They are quick to give excuses for their behavior. One side of the story gets told because if they told the whole story it would expose some things that would either cause them to have to take responsibility or they would be the villain in their own story instead of the victim. Being pulled into that puts you on an emotional rollercoaster. I have now started back with the panic attacks that wake me during the night. I have showed up with a purpose for the last few years. My intent has been to be of help, to lessen any overwhelming situation, only to be met with foolishness and mockery. All of the things that I have "preached", I now need to put into practice. The rollercoaster now becomes an internal event. Weighing back and forth, what do I have to lose? What do I have to gain? When the scales tip toward more loss than gain, it becomes apparent what needs to happen. My "loss" will be grieved. However, my "gain" will be celebrated! People will disrupt your peace if you allow them to. I had someone ask me, "aren't you afraid of what they will say about you when you put up (healthy) borders? " My answer is simply that they will continue the conversations that have been spoken for years, the difference is now, that my energy spent will now be spent on myself. I am the only one responsible for my peace.

LAST RIDE: Daddy fought his cancer for 12 years. The one thing that he talked about a lot was that he wished he could go out and ride a horse again. The shenanigans that the boys (his twin and some of the other boys he hung out with) would get in usually always had some involvement with horses when they grew up. They "boys" would ride different places in town (where the Walmart is now and back behind Parkwood Cir seemed to be the popular places) and camp. P*e Wee (dads identical twin) said they even had a makeshift corral for the horses to stay in while they camped. Word around town was there wasn't a horse the Valentine boys couldn't ride. We were even hearing those stories after he passed. We heard the story about the "candyman" 3 different times. It was a story that was funny, but also reinforced how poor they were. Daddy was a simple man. The song "Daddy never was a Cadillac kind" would always come to mind. Daddy wasn't about the things that "glittered and shined". However, he longed to ride again. I think that in this instance, he wouldn't have minded the fuss. Daddy was given his last ride. Several of us kids joked about how dad would have come out of that box and tried to ride the horse. For a man that spent a good portion of his life loving horses, it was a good way for us to remember him. Daddy got his last ride yesterday.

UNSTUCK. Last night was your last night here on earth. We prayed for healing with our limited understanding of things. I know that you are now healed far beyond anything I can imagine. I prayed for the Lord to take you so that we could begin healing. My prayers were answered. Conflict within our souls is often difficult to contain when we experience a vast amount of conflicting emotions at once. The two main ones I have now are both sadness and joy for you and pain for mom. Last night, her status changed. Last night, she went from "married" to a "widow". The word by itself suggests loneliness / alone (at least to me). Last night, I could hear her calling out to you - there was no answer. The house has a kinda eerie quietness to it. Not necessarily in a bad way, but certainly different. Today turns a page in all of our lives. You touched each of us in different ways. The one thing we have is all of the good memories. The double dates with you and mom, all of the animal memories - whether it was the horses, deer, zoo animals, etc. You are in good hands now. Mom will be taken care of.

STUCK! It's been 4 days since they called in Hospice. 4 days ago you were able to bear weight and walk short distances with assistance. Last night you cannot even stand on your own. "Comfort measures": for you - no pain. For us, a chance to say goodbye, regardless of your mental state. We can feel good that we have had an opportunity to say goodbye - but do you understand the conversations? Do you recognize us when we walk into the room and call your name and tell you we love you? All of this sucks! My memories are of a man that was never a big man in statue, but you were strong as an ox! I always bragged on your strength and told the story of you fussing at us youngens for not stacking hay quicker than you were throwing the square bales to us in the loft. So this shell of a person conflicts with all the memories that almost make it seem unreal - but it is. You are having problems communicating with us. Your gaze is becoming more fixated. Do you really understand when we walk into the room to say hello, who it is and why we are here? You said many times that you were ready to go. Do you know that you are dying? I see you reaching out into thin air - like you're reaching for something or motioning for something. I hear you call my name only to find out when I get by your side that you are not cognitive that I am beside you. My mind replays you calling me. I recognize that tone and wonder if those are the "hallucinations" (or memories) that people have prior to dying. Are we breaking one of the horses? Are we working on some chore? Did you see a deer out in the back yard and calling me so that I can see it too? Or is it more than that? Are you now seeing streets of gold? Are you seeing people who passed before you? Now that your time is closing in, do you still have the "want" to go? I feel stuck. I want so much for you - some selfish - but some not. I know I'll miss you - but you're still here - and I miss who you are in my memories. Waiting for a call so that I have the "permission" to work through the grief - but you're still here. Waiting for you to take your last breath, but you're still breathing. I feel "stuck". My prayer is that the Lord takes you so that I can process not having you here - while you are here. Its conflicting!

Grieving before they're gone. Today we put daddy on Hospice. He has fought a long and hard battle with cancer for the past 12 years. He has said multiple times over the past few days that he is tired of hurting and tired of the pain. Today, they stopped the chemo, his body showing the wear and tear of years of fighting. Daddy always was a warrior. As tears of sadness have already begun and I'm sure will continue until the Lord sees fit to call him home, I am grateful for the time we had with him. The doctors wrote him off years ago after being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer that had spread. He has had both good days and bad days. We have memories and pictures to reflect. We have prayed for healing from our standpoint of understanding - a fleshly healing. Soon his day will be walking in heaven - no sickness, no more feeling bad. He will be in a much better place. I am grateful for all the love and support he gave me. I am grateful for the fact that my dad was able to walk me down the "aisle" and give me away to the man I am married to now. I am grateful that we were able to spend the extra time with him here on earth. My sadness is my not wanting you to go. My happiness is knowing that you will soon face our Lord and be pain free. Saying goodbye while you are still here, able to understand what is going on, is probably one of the hardest things to do. We knew this day would come, but you are never truly ready for it. When it comes your time; save me a spot. I love you!

My husband and I went to see Danny Gokey in concert the other night. He said something that has resonated with me (and seeing the time of year, seemed appropriate). When talking about stress, we usually bring up the negative risks of suppressing our traumas instead of facing them. His comment was, "if you bury your traumas alive, they will come back!" (Gokey). I knew this, but it hit me more direct by hearing it in those words. I had people say that they did not want to see a clinician because they didn't want to "relive" the trauma. In the next breath they tell me, I can't sleep, I continually see it over and over in my head....You are Reliving It! Everyday! By yourself! The trauma is on repeat because you lack the skill set to help process it properly. You're holding yourself a hostage, if you chose to repeat that cycle. A clinician IS NOT a "shrink"!! They are the opposite! They help you develop skills to navigate tough times and encourage you to look at things differently. They help you walk to the muck and mud - but with someone there to guide you through it so you don't have to endure it alone! All that is an addition to your life. It adds value. It adds a new perspective. It allows you to relax. It allows you to thrive! If you are hurting, I encourage you to seek a clinicians help. If you don't know one, inbox me and I will help you connect with one! You don't have to suffer!

It's been 3 weeks today, that we put Jr to sleep. One of the hardest decisions I have had to make. I'm grateful for the 13 years of teachings he gave me. All my animals have been special. The thing that set Jr apart was when I reached out and started with a clinician, he was always there. Just to sit and be present. He taught me what a good friend was supposed to be. He showed unconditional love daily. He always greeted me as soon as I pulled into the yard. Running out to meet me at the end of the driveway, then standing in my sidesteps making the biggest fuss over me being home. He knew when I had good days and he was very in tuned to my bad days. We would sit in the swing, occasionally he would get up and do "perimeter checks" to make sure everything was safe. After his brief patrols, he would come back and just sit. I miss that fellow, but I'm grateful for the lifetime of lessons he crammed into 13 years.

ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) is a term used by Jim Kwik in some of his talks. He asks us to rate 0 - 10 how well we control our negative talk. So I will ask - how well do you control yours? Do your thoughts make a difference or are they limiting? Your mind is always ease dropping on your self talk. Remember if you "fight" for your limitations (I'm not good enough, I can't do that, I'm not smart enough, etc.), You get to keep them. Those ANTs can look different depending on your situations. Control your self talk to control your mind.

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD: So, this morning I came across a guy named Joe McGee and he got me thinking. While thinking, I was reminded of the movie "Facing the Giants". Sometimes, I'm my worst enemy. The things that I convince myself of that limit my fullest potential. Find you a peer, a clinician that can help YOU get out of YOUR head. Message me if you need direction on where to start. Listen to Me McGee has he tells this true story about Lou Holtz in Arkansas. https://fb.watch/auu-YLHGuI/

"Life line":. I was sitting here this morning thinking about my lack of motivation and it got me to thinking. I love listening to Lisa Nichols and TD Jakes. When I listen to some of there videos, I'm inspired to be a better version of myself. Ms Nichols inspires and makes you feel like you can overcome any obstacle. Rev. Jakes, well he steps on my toes - a lot, but it's ok, cause I need that too. What I noticed as I sit here, is that when I am connected to those things that inspire me, the things that "cheer" me on, correct me for my own good, etc. Are the things that motivate me. A free years back, I was in a conversation about motivation (positive or negative) - whether it was internal or external. My thoughts are that has to begin internally. My employer can threaten me with my job if I continue to be late to work, but if I'm not motivated to go to work - internally first, then I'm going to be unemployed. What I realized was that I have to be connected to things that give me life (that internal motivation). A diver that has an air source pumped to him/ her is connected to the thing that gives him/ her life. It is also the thing that keeps us alive in an environment that otherwise we could not survive. We all go through tough times. It's important to find things that keep us inspired, people who are a source of encouragement to us, things that continue us to strive to be that better version of ourselves. Find those things and hold on to them tightly.

Starting a new year, I reflect back on, not just the past year, but the last few years. I have surrounded myself with people who are supportive of my growth and me being the best version of being me. The one thing that I am most grateful for is "my village". There is not a person in my circle that doesn't say the love me before we part. My husband has always said it to me. My mom, dad, and son(s) say it to me. My friends also say it. When we talk, the conversation always ends with "I love you".
Growth begins and sustains when you surround yourself with people that 1) appreciate you for you - the original masterpiece that you are. Not everyone is going to appreciate that uniqueness. That's ok! 2) even if you don't know exactly where to start, surround yourself with people that will throw ideas out there for you.
Your circle matters!!!

FAILURE:. Years ago I was in a conversation with another instructor and we were talking about the benefits of our students failing (in the classroom, while learning to master a skill). Failing is NOT always a negative thing.
If you have been following me, you know that I am still a newbie when it comes to firefighting. First time ever in the big red truck (engine) when I was practicing for the obstacle course, the instructors would stop me short of my "failure" of docking the engine. They would tell me to pull forward, how to line up, and offer a word of encouragement prior to my next attempt. This happened about three times. I finally asked one of the allow me to fail. Let me run over the cones, and whatever course of destruction laid ahead. In several failed attempts, I learned what they couldn't teach me. If I didnt pull far enough ahead, navigating the turn would be nearly impossible. If I didn't place the engine in the right part of the road, it wouldn't allow me enough room to turn in the back or leave me enough room for the front to maneuver around. If I turned to soon, whatever obstacle to my left ended up a casualty. If I delayed, the orange cones to the right soon we're laid to rest on their sides. What those failed attempts allowed me to learn was 1) how much room I needed to actually perform the task. 2) How the truck operated - the steering and the way the front or back end "swings" around.
That failure was not a bad thing. It helped me learn how to trouble shoot things before I needed to apply those skills in real life. Now, I have no problems driving and backing the engine.
When I started meditating and some breathing - staying in the moment was a challenge. I still find myself straying from the task occasionally. What I have mastered is that when those times happen, it's easier for me to re-center.
Don't give up, your failures make your successes more bulletproof. Embrace them when they happen.

Now it's easier to send Rainbows and Rabbit Holes a message.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE RIGHT, DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M WRONG. I was talking to a patient yesterday about how some people - in his words - seem less compassionate about all the things going on with COVID. So we got to talking about people not appreciating others for their experiences / realities. I used COVID as my example, because that was the topic of our discussion, but in reality - it could apply to any experience. On a Thursday (about a month or so ago) I had started running a fever. I took some Tylenol and the fever broke. All I had was the fever. No aches. No pains. No breathing problems. No coughs. After the fever broke, I was up doing things around the house. I called and made an appointment with my doctor. By the time I went to the doctor, my fever was gone. He swabbed me and the test for COVID was sent out. I got a doctors note to stay at home and isolate, just in case. The rest of the day went uneventful. Friday, the fever came back, just like the day before. I took some more Tylenol and got the same results. The fever broke. By Saturday, I was ready to go back to work, but had a note to stay out of work one more day. When the results came back, I was positive for COVID. Still no other symptoms til Tuesday when I was cooking homemade spaghetti with herbs from our garden, when I noticed, I wasn't able to smell anything. By that following Thursday, I had lost my taste. It is easy for me to think that because of my personal experience, that COVID was not that bad. I have had sinus problems that have knocked me down harder. (I know some of you are wandering so.....At that time I was not vaccinated. I chose - with hesitation, just to be honest - to get the vaccination after having the positive test. With the second shot, however, I could not break the fever with Tylenol for two days. I had body aches in every joint in my body that lasted several days.) My chief, however, has a brother that is in one hospital on a vent and another brother in another hospital, both with COVID. His reality is that COVID should not be taken lightly and ANY precaution that we can take, should be taken. He is an advocate for the vaccine. Not because he is wanting to push some kind of agenda, but because he doesn't want anyone to be in the situation that either of his brothers are in. His reality is what pushes his thoughts and requests. The truth is, neither of us are wrong. Both of our realities are just that - real. Trauma has allowed me to understand different viewpoints and accept them as BOTH being valid.

So I'm reading a book called "Building a story brand" by Donald Miller. (If you own a business, a good book to read on how to market the business). I came across a section called "Key is clarity" and what he said made me think about our mental health. 1) He said an audience needs to know who the hero is. That hero is YOU! YOU ARE THE HERO IN YOUR STORY! 2) We need to know the hero's needs. Your needs can be anything from mastering new skills, seeking clinical help, forgiving yourself, learning self care, etc. 3) Who the hero needs to defeat. That can be anything from addiction, dependencies, avoidance, resistance, anger, etc. 4) Tragedy if the hero doesn't win. It can be living in hell the remainder of your days, being dependent on people or substances, or even su***de. 5) What wonderful things happen when they do win. You learn to live, not just survive. You find joy in things, instead of dread and sadness. You become grateful for things that you took for granite. Take time to learn your "superpowers" so that when time comes, you have mastered how to put them in to effect.

DESTINATION JOY:. I was listening to someone the other day talk about destination joy. "I'll be happy when I (get, reach, obtain) ____ ." It made me think. Sometimes I find myself saying that and I'm robbing myself of the jewels right in front of me. When it's gone, that's when you realized how much you took for granite.
We have visited Croft State Park. It was a place for the 20 some odd years of me living in the upstate, that I would go and recharge. I have ridden mountain bikes, hiked, paddled, tubed, and rode horses at this park.
Too many times we stayed focused on future events ("destinations") that we forget to take advantage of our "present".
This week, I decided to take advantage of an old friend, the state park, and take in all the things that I love about this place - you know - enjoying the "present".
Behind our campsite is a connector trail to the big trail. As I headed out to see what was in store, I destroyed some invisible b***y traps that were set up across the trails. I have learned that people who walk into a spider web fall into one of two categories - they either look like a third base coach throwing signs to a second base runner OR they look like someone practicing martial arts for the fight of their lives. A short distance in I hear the noises of nature's "rush hour". It's the creek. The water is up and it is making some kind of fuss. I can't tell you how many pictures and videos I have of this creek. It's always soothing to my soul. Find the things, or create that space, where you can recharge. Don't wait until you get to _____.

Knowing what "tool" is right for the job:

I have talked to several people about different situations over the past few weeks. Different calls causing people to get a little sideways mentally. When this happens, there are several things to remember. 1) You had a NORMAL reaction to an ABNORMAL event. It's ok if your thinking gets a little sideways, but we have to learn what to do when that happens so you don't stay there. 2) one method (or tool) will not help every situation. You have to have a diverse set of skills and know what situation calls for what.

We carry all kinds of equipment on our trucks. Some can be used on multiple calls. Some have more specific uses. My "bat belt" for mental health also has to have different "tools". Some will have multiple uses - like walking. Walking after a bad call uses up the cortisol our bodies release. It cant be digested, so we have to use it up. Usually 15-20 mins of walking will make a difference. Other times, we need to get the big tools.

I've spoke with two people in the past week that ran "kids". One a new uncle and one a new dad, both resulted in them mentally getting sideways - overwhelmed emotionally.

First it's important to understand what happens in those situations. (Angie's breakdown)

1). You run the call with a patient. Can be any patient, although I have seen it more often involving kids. Our minds will take in all kinds of information (consciously and subconsciously). It will hear, see, feel, and smell things that you may or may not be aware that you are gathering.

2). Being human, we imagine that being our loved one (consciously or subconsciously). We impose our loved one over that patient - mentally.

3). Your brain does not know the truth from fiction, so now your body reacts as though it was a loved one. The anxiety, uneasiness, sick feeling in your stomach, emotions, helpless feelings, etc. can be overwhelming.

4) The tool best suited for this one, is you need to get your hands on the loved one, if possible. Can a child or loved on come by the station where you can see them? Can you get off and go see that loved one? If you have to wait until you get off, can you face time that loved one?

This is where being deliberate and mindful are extremely beneficial. When you get your hands on that loved one - be MINDFUL and use your senses.

Look - at that loved one and notice the hair, and marks, scars, moles, etc that are unique to them.

Smell - any perfume, aftershave, baby oil that may be specific to them....make note of it.

Touch - hold them, hug them, sit near them

Listen - to them talk, laugh, coo. Take in the sound of their voice

What you are doing is all that information that your mind stored from the call that was superimposed with a loved one, is reprogramming. You are replacing what your mind concluded was a loved one involved and "rewriting" the script with "my loved one is ok". By being mindful of the things we mentioned earlier, you will be more likely to overwrite the things that was stored subconsciously. Nearly all of those individuals who have experienced this have said it was a big relief when this happened and that they were able to reset.

We don't have an easy job mentally. The tools that we collect then learn how and when to use them will help us have long and rewarding careers.

If you've been around for a little while, you know one of the things I do for my mental health is bible studies. Some of the things that were put into words that "clicked" with me this weekend and this morning were affirmations but also realizations. Sometimes hearing what you already know 1) from someone else and 2) put into certain terminology, can resonate. Our Pastor (Tom Polk) was talking about environment. "A whale lives in the sea, but gets the air it needs to live from another environment". The strength and focus that you need to overcome your current situation HAS to come from outside your current environment. Don't contain yourself to your current situation....rise above it.. TD Jakes says "you can't plant a peach seed in a teaspoon of dirt and expect it to grow. Although they may be the same size, the seed will only grow when it is planted in something bigger than itself". Is your environment holding you back? Seek for strength and answers outside your current environment and you will flourish.

Just a reminder: When you feel broken, those pieces can "level up" and become a new work of art. Glass that is broken, becomes a work of art when the pieces are arranged with purpose. Grapes are crushed to become expensive bottles of wine. All the negative in your life.. learn to master it and will become so much more than what you thought was intended. HEADS UP / LEVEL UP.

Learning to be content where I am:. I grew up in the lower part of the state (SC). After graduation, I moved to the Upstate to go to college. Because plans change (another day for that story), I just stayed my adult life there. I loved everything about the foothills and mountains. The numerous hikes to rivers and falls, camping, the kayaking, four wheeling, biking (road and mountain) and photographing landscapes and old things, always brought a very different view and experience. 5 1/2 years ago I moved back to the Lowcountry. I dwelled so much on what I missed about the Upstate, that I could feel myself becoming depressed. I have always enjoyed exploring, and for whatever reason, got away from it. One of the things we talk about in our peer training is the "USTA". I "USTA" do this or I "USTA" to that. Some things, I'm content not doing... Roller skating, for one. I will confess though, that when certain old songs come on the radio, I can feel myself "bouncing", "criss crossing", "turning around", etc. (If you skated, you know what I'm talking about.). I'm older, and breaking a hip or leg, takes longer to heal. Holly, my first pointer, and Jr - my pointer I have now always accompanied me on some of my journeys. I've spent several days over the past few weeks.... Places I "usta" go, both in the Upstate, as well as the Lowcountry. I'm learning to be content where I'm at, doing things I "usta" do.... the things that settled my soul and brought a smile to my face.

A friend and I was talking the other day about some challenging times that we had gone through. We both agreed that the "rabbit hole" was the worse part of the trip...not the "rock bottom". Going down the "rabbit hole" only offers one way because of gravity. Without the "rock bottom", I would have continued to spiral downward. "Without the "rock bottom", there was no way for me to get some traction. You ever take that roller coaster ride and going down it takes your breath? Or dream you're falling and wake up feeling like you can't breathe? When I hit the bottom, I had two choices....stay there, or get out! If I choose to stay, my surroundings will always look "dark" and "hopeless". Choosing to get out comes with it's challenges, but offers hope and forces me to get creative with my "exit". You see, looking back, the "rock bottom" was my blessing! First, it offered me a place to catch my breath. Once I could breathe, it allowed me to get my bearings straight. Once I figured which way was up, the "rocks" at the bottom did offer some traction. Some may say they experience "slick walls". That's where a "ladder" or "rope" (figurative, not literal) comes in handy. The "ladder" and "ropes" is your support person (or team), a qualified clinician, books, peer team members, etc. You may get dirty getting out, but you CAN get out of the hole. Sometimes, you just got to say, "I'm not staying here" and come out of the hole like a bull in a china store. The choice, ultimately, is yours! If you're not sure how to start, message me!