Give It One More Chance

Everybody gets a voice. And, everyone needs to be heard.

Whether you agree, or not.
Whether you experienced it differently, or not.
Whether you think you partner is crazy, or not.

If you signed up to be in long-term relationship, you signed up to make sense of your partner’s perspective.

End of story. Or, it will be the end of your relationship’s story.

Make the psychological and relational space for each of you to be understood and validated.
Such for a good relationship makes.

Giving you another chance,

Ginger

Showing up.
Over and over.
Using your words.
With a willingness to listen. Really listen.
With a dash of humility and enough of a solid ego to yield.
Trying again.
Keep talking.

That’s what love is.

Here to give you another chance,

Ginger

“Me too!” my curly-haired daughter and I yelled in unison while reading the silly cardboard book we picked up at the elementary school book sale. It was too fun not to scream it loudly. Besides, we wanted to make her brother laugh across the hall. It was our nightly comedy routine, at least in that quick chapter of their young lives.

In the book, the little girl’s mother performs an everyday feat and sure enough, her mini-me wants to do it too. No matter how grown-up the activity is, that gritty child is not going to be excluded. She is alive and present. Determined and willful.

When working with couples, I want to bring out that childhood book. I want to sing in unison, “me too!” Because somehow, in intimate partnership, it becomes a delicate challenge.

It is often “no me.” You count, I don’t. You win, I lose. Your way, not mine. You are big, I stay small. You talk, I shut up. Until, of course, the resentment stacks in the corner of my heart and begins to smell like yesterday’s garbage. Then, just to stay alive, I’ll either get TOO BIG, or manipulative and sneaky or depressed and withdrawn. Thus, “no me” is not sustainable. It does not make for a healthy long-term relationship. Perhaps it is easier, at least for a while. But eventually, a price will be paid. An expense that could tank the whole relationship.

And then there is the reverse … “all me.” Bring in the grandiose, super-sized, need to be right and have the last word. I’m the steamroller to your pancake. The alpha. The non-yielder. The take-all-the-space. I might be happy in that I am the royal in the castle. But, at the end of the day, I am alone. No one calls me on my bu****it, makes me own my humanity. No one. reminds me that I put on my britches just like everyone else. That being messy and vulnerable is a lot more fun.

“Me too!” is a much better way to go. Alive and present. Determined and willful. Gritty enough to hold your own while yielding space for others to do the same. Staying grounded in me while being engaged with you. Protected and connected. That’s the ticket.

In unison now, “me too!”

Giving you another chance,

Ginger

“You doing okay?”

How many times do we hear that? How many times do we ask that?

The only time that is an appropriate question is in the service industry. Your wait staff at your favorite restaurant can ask that. The flight attendant on a long flight (no longer a domestic one) can ask that. The hotel concierge can ask that.

But you, as a partner and a parent, cannot.

Why?

Because your relationship should be deeper than basic survival. We want – and need – more than okay.

“Phew.” My partner/child is okay. No need to put more energy here. They are surviving fine without me having to work and put more energy into them. This attitude will not cut it for long-term, satisfying relationships. If someone is okay, surviving fine – that is not a free pass to attend to something else.

Rather, the better questions are – How are you? How are you doing? How are you feeling? Then shut up. Create the space for them to truly answer vs. the socially mandated “fine.” Give them the message that you want to know all the colors in their box. All the feels. Why? Because you are interested in them and your relationship with them.

The hotel staff and the airline crew do not really care how you are doing or about your emotional bond. They just want to keep customers satisfied enough as to sustain their paycheck. Thus, “you doing okay?” is perfectly acceptable.

But, if I am interested in a long-term, emotionally growing relationship with someone important in my life, best to open that can of worms all the way. Ask the full throttle question. Then, sit back and enjoy the ride of your life. That of an emotionally engaged, full range, direct contact relationship.

That’s how we do it.

Giving you another chance,

Ginger

Sayeth the young waitress at the restaurant to the old married couple having dinner.

Maybe the secret is that you stay at it. Having no idea what you are doing. Just keep trying to figure it out.

Sounds perfect to me. Kitchen table wisdom from the heart of a women too young to know.

Here to give you another chance,

Ginger

How do you repair when both partners are injured and depleted? I get this question often. Admittedly, not only is such situation common, but it is also one of the most difficult moments in intimate partnership. Here are some tips and tricks –

First, take some space for each partner to take care of your own wounded inner child. Have your wise adult self comfort and reassure the little hurting kid inside. Do a favorite effective self-soothing activity which calms your adaptive child and puts your adult self back in the driver’s seat.

Then, choose one of these methods to decide how to repair:

1. Go by sequence. Who was injured first? The partner injured second needs to muster the generosity to have a repair conversation as the listener.

2. Go by generosity. Who has the most emotional resources in the moment to be the listener first? Ideally, it’s not the same partner every time.

3. Attempt a repair exchange where you go back and forth between what each of you experienced, the story you told yourself about that experience, the feelings you made yourself have, the trigger from your childhood story and your request for the future. WARNING: this is an advanced technique that I don’t teach my couples until they have mastered boundaries and emotional regulation. Without those skills, you and your partner are likely to get re-triggered and want to erase the other’s reality so that you can be right. This is a deadly to the relationship. Believe me.

Of course, prevention is always the best medicine. Ruptures are inevitable in intimate partnership but hitting a pothole does not mean we have to go down a sinkhole.

Some things to try. Always growing. Always becoming our best relational self.

Giving you another chance,

Ginger

It takes two to make it work and one to call it quits. Once someone has crossed that line, don’t chase him/her with some crazy idea (fueled by desperation) that you can change his/her mind. Never a good idea to pursue a distancer. ‘Cause you deserve more and your partner will or will not realize that.

Here for another chance,

Ginger

“When you coming home, Dad? I don’t know when. But we’ll get together then, Dad. I know we’ll have a good time then.” – Cat’s in the Cradle, Song by Harry Chapin

Time - our most precious commodity. Brene Brown goes so far as to say that love is spelled t-i-m-e. How we spend our time is what we love.

“How much time do you spend together?” I ask my couples during the assessment phase. I’m fishing for that common theme of relational neglect. The one where we take our partnership for granted rather than invest with conscious intention. As if the most important relationship of our life can sustain and grow on auto-pilot.

When it comes to time with our partner, there are four categories:

First, family time. You, me and the kids. Doing an activity. Sharing life events whether it be dinner time or bath time. Kicking a ball, going to the park, baking a cake or swimming in the lake. Think group. Embracing the masses.

Second, parallel play. You and me sharing the same physical space but focusing our attention on different things. I’m watching basketball, you are playing Candy Crush on your phone. You’re reading recipes, I’m paying bills. Our energy is mixing in the same space. We might look up and share a story or a laugh. But our focus is not on one another.

Third, a focused activity. We are engaging in the same activity together. We are taking a walk, watching a movie, going fishing, riding bicycles, cooking a meal or attending a concert. Again, our energy is co-mingling. We are sharing an adventure and making memories.

And lastly, face to face time. Eye to eye. Seeing, touching, talking. Sharing thoughts and feelings, wants and wishes, joys and pains. My full attention is on you and us. Our energy is flowing in our relational space, rather than being distracted by a third object or activity.

Ideally, your relationship will have a nice mix of all four of these types of time. And, you gotta fight for the face-to-face. It is the key to intimacy, the bonding and attaching of you to your beloved.

Beware that the world is full of thieves - those shiny objects that are seducing you for attention. Water, ritualize, shine on your own garden. Abundance of riches awaits.

Giving you one more chance,

Ginger

“How much time do you spend together?”

They looked at each other than at me. Words went missing.

My hunch was right. Their marriage was clearly suffering from benign neglect.

There are four forms of couple time –

First, time spent as co-business partners. Whether we are running a household or raising children, we need time to manage our team. We need to talk about who does what, why, when and how. Functional logistics. Keeping the systems in play. This time has to happen.

Then, there is time as a family. Activities, vacations, soccer games, school picnics, family dinners and family arguments. We are a group and need to function as a group. That is family time.

Third, there is parallel play. You and your partner are in the same room but not focused on each other. You are not eye-to-eye, not engaged in a direct way. Husband is watching the Bachelorette; wife is on her laptop catching up on work emails. You might laugh together at something you see or read. You might catch a glimpse, offer to get the other a bowl of ice cream. Your energy is mixing within the same four walls, but you are not intentional about putting effort into the relationship.

And lastly, there is intentional, conscious face to face time where you are focused solely on each other. You are sharing a meal, talking, playing a board game or taking a walk. All other distractions – work, kids, your phone – are sidelined so that you can target your chosen one. Your time, energy and undivided attention are directly added to your relational soup.

No surprise that that last form of time, the intentional time, will go by the wayside if not prioritized. Life’s demands will scream louder. Inertia will be the victor. Like a plant that is deprived of water and sunlight, your relationship will die a slow death.

So, get off your phone and rediscover the color of your partner’s eyes.

Giving you another chance,

Ginger