Sauce Time

"Ask yourself, how much a year do you spend on toilet paper? Now, how much does your dog spend? Notice anything?"

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/04/29/i-believe-in-species-equality-dogs-dont-wipe-their-ass-neither-do-i/

I Believe In Species Equality. Dogs Don't Wipe Their Ass. Neither Do I. - For years, humanity has been plagued with various inequalities. Thankfully, the past century has been spent working to correct many of these inequalities. Women can…

"This Earth would be much like our own, with the exception of men and woman from around the globe tuning in to watch their favorite sports team suck farts out of their teammates' anuses."

In Infinite Multiverse, Exists Parallel Earth With Competitive Fart Sucking, Scientist Hypothesizes - Renown Theoretical Physicist, Nicholas Boynton Ph.D. released an extensive thesis paper last Thursday on the hypothetical existence of a parallel Earth. More specifically, a parallel…

"Mr. President is too much for me," Biden explains. "Phil is the name my mother gave me and it's the only one I've ever used."

Humble President, Joe Biden Prefers People Just Call Him "Phil" - On January 20th, 2021, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. was sworn in as the 46th President of The United States of America. This title comes with…

"MTU apologists were quick to respond to the controversy by stating that it was completely coincidental that the campus has so many whiteboards."

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/04/05/college-accused-of-whitewashing-has-134-whiteboards-and-3-blackboards/

College Accused of Whitewashing Has 134 Whiteboards and 3 Blackboards - It’s a bad day for Michigan Technological University, a college which already draws backlash for having a student base made up of 89.7% white students.…

"4. My wife is in a way better mood lately. "

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/03/29/10-reasons-why-im-thankful-for-my-wifes-boyfriend/

10 Reasons Why I'm Thankful For My Wife's Boyfriend - When my wife broke the news to me that she had a boyfriend, I was initially very jealous. She is my wife after all. But…

"The formula is built so that the more "Hey"s that are sent, and the more time that passes before the "Hey" is read, the less probable a reply will be."

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/03/24/foreign-facebook-man-calculates-probability-of-girl-replying-after-17th-hey/

Foreign Facebook Man Calculates Probability of Girl Replying After 17th "Hey" - “There’s an entire calculation behind it.” says an anonymous foreign Facebook user. After multiple reports of an anonymous foreign man messaging woman repeatedly on Facebook,…

"Alpha, run a syphilis scan on Tommy."

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/03/16/lost-1993-power-rangers-episode-reveals-tommy-canonically-had-syphilis/

Lost 1993 Power Rangers Episode Reveals Tommy Canonically Had Syphilis - A lost episode from 1993’s Mighty Morphin Power Rangers television series recently was leaked online from an anonymous source. The episode has a very unique…

"Twitter has even had "Hi**er" trending as users are realizing how much they have in common with him. "

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/03/12/sleeping-with-socks-on-you-may-share-qualities-with-hitler/

Sleeping With Socks On? You May Share Qualities With Hi**er - Are you one of those people who needs an extra layer on your feet in order to sleep comfortably? Well, I have news for you.…

"I felt every excruciating detail. From bloody feet, to disease, to starvation, I felt it all. In my soul."

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/03/08/man-on-hold-for-30-mins-finally-understands-suffering-of-native-americans-during-trail-of-tears/

Man On Hold For 30 Mins Finally Understands Suffering of Native Americans During Trail of Tears - Area Man, Nick Boynton, was stuck on hold for over 30 mins yesterday evening when he attempted to call Comcast customer support over a recent…

"You would think everyone knows that mustaches just don't look right on Millennials without a beard to accompany them."

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/03/06/man-born-after-1985-fails-to-pull-off-just-a-mustache/

Man Born After 1985 Fails To Pull Off Just a Mustache - Nicholas Boynton, who was born sometime after 1985, has been growing a mustache for approximately 8 weeks, and as a surprise to no one, he’s…

"The bill seems to be popular among New Hampshire women."

https://www.saucetime.net/2021/03/04/new-hampshire-state-ids-now-required-to-display-whether-a-person-is-circumcised/

New Hampshire State IDs Now Required to Display Whether a Person is Circumcised - Another bill passed by NH lawmakers this Wednesday continues a series of changes to the state’s driver licenses and IDs, the last change being from…

"I don’t need expensive things. I just need Mark Zuckerberg to kill me.”

Child Dying From Cancer Last Wish Is For Mark Zuckerberg To Kill Him - Eleven-year-old Nick Boynton has been battling cancer for over a year now and his doctors say the end is near. Boynton’s parents reached out to…

“Sometimes, I think it would be nice to be covered in one of those big, flashy news stories... But, honestly, it sounds exhausting.”

Black Police Officer Relieved He Can Murder Whoever He Wants Without Repercussion - Sargent Desmond Jones of the Detroit, MI, Police Department weighed in, earlier today, on his experience as an officer of color: “I’m just happy I…

"It can range from mild sarcastic comments to as far as death threats for users who are jacking off more than twice a day, multiple days in a row."

New Fitbit Update Tracks Ma********on and Shames User Accordingly - The newest Fitbit update that launched today has a new and exciting feature! Users with a model “Versa” or later will now be able to…

"We traveled to America’s best brothels and met the country’s best pimps in order to provide you the most accurate answer possible."

15% vs 20% - How Much Should You Tip A Ho**er? - It’s safe to say, it’s common knowledge that wh**es don’t actually make very much money per hour of labor. Most of a prostitute’s income actually…

"I know it sounds cruel, but this is the earth we’re talking about saving."

Your Baby's A Bitch If They Still Bathe Instead Of Showering - On average, a ten minute shower saves 16 gallons of water compared to a standard bath. Its a fact that not many deny. Showering saves…

"Plenty of other insults or derogatory terms were used in tandem, such as 'w***e' or simply 'bitch.' However, to much surprise, the American population got much more creative with its insults."

Report: 83% Of Americans Think Mother Nature Is A "Big Gay" - A new survey shows that approximately 83% of Americans think that Mother Nature is a “big gay.” To clarify, this particular survey did not set…

"While many locals are sad to see the historical land mark go, they’re equally happy to have a Ho***rs within driving distance of their home."

Paris Uses Donations to Build Ho***rs in Spot Opened Up by Notre Dame's Destruction - The famous Notre Dame de Paris, which was destroyed on April 15th, 2019 in a fire which burned for 15 hours, quickly amassed over a…

"Most of the time they don’t even answer. I don’t understand. Is it me? is it because my gamertag is KevinBaconsChode? What could it be?”

Local Man Surprisingly Still Single After Months of Messaging Girls on Xbox Live - As of 3 pm this afternoon, local man, Nick Boynton, age 22, is surprisingly still single, despite the past four grueling months spent messaging every…

"Apparently, a windmill spinning at full power blows air at approximately 40 knots which is powerful enough to move a 747."

9/11 Study Shows Windmills May Have Blown Planes Off Course And Into Twin Towers - It’s a bad month for Windmills. On top of President Donald Trump’s claim that the clean energy leader is causing people cancer, new data has…

"As of right now, the screen play is sitting at about 36 hours and we have no plans to trim it down.”

Marvel Confirms Next Avengers Movie Will Have 36 Hour Run Time With No Intermission - Earlier today, Marvel Cinematic Universe Executive Producer, Kevin Feige, released a statement announcing that the next Avengers title after 2019’s “Endgame” will feature a 36…

"Earlier today, S.A.E. called a press conference with their heads hung in shame to announce the stereotype could not be proved false. In fact, in their efforts, they had proved it true."

Despite Being Only 13% of the Population, Asians Do 50% of All Math - Recent world censuses have come back to sadly prove an age-old stereotype. Despite making up only 13% of the population, Asian people do 50% of…

"Thirteen is a much greater number than five. It’s exactly eight numbers higher than five."

Trump Considers Switch To Metric System After Realizing It Makes His P***s Sound Bigger - Earlier today, President Donald Trump held a press conference at the White House to announce he was considering switching the nation to the metric system.…

“I don’t care if your ni***es are the size of a soft ball or the tip of a pen”

Local Man Will Enjoy Your B***s No Matter How Self-Conscious You Are - Local man, Nick Boynton, age 22, is something of a national hero. No matter how self-conscious you are about your b***s, whether you think they…

“We tested all kinds of situations whether it be friendly coworkers or mothers checking in on their children. All tests ended with both parties feeling awkward and uncomfortable.”

Scientists Still Searching For Socially Acceptable Use For Facebook’s “Wave” Feature - Scientists over at Oak Ridge National Laboratory have been hard at work trying to crack one of the Human Race’s biggest mysteries: what makes Facebook’s…

“After fans complained about The Force Awakens being unoriginal, we wanted to come up with the most original idea we could.”

Lucasfilm Announces That In Addition To Flying, Leia Will Now Have Heat Vision - Lucasfilm President, Kathleen Kennedy, confirmed earlier today during an interview that General Leia Organa-Solo, late Carrie Fisher’s beloved character in the Star Wars universe, will…

"PornHub released a statement today stating its website traffic has dropped below half its usual numbers."

PornHub Viewership Drops As Users Are Just Ma********ng To Pewdiepie's Comeback - Popular po*******hy website, PornHub, released a statement today stating its website traffic has dropped below half its usual numbers. They conducted a quick survey of…

"The rapper went on to depict how she used to drug men and behead them."

Fans Forgive Cardi B After Confessing To 5 Years Served With ISIS Fans Forgive Cardi B After Confessing To 5 Years Served With ISIS by Ron McLayPosted onApril 3, 2019April 4, 2019 Controversy with American rapper, Cardi B, strikes again, this time in a series of tweets where the rapper jokes about the five years she served with the Islamic State. The rapper went o...

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