Simply happy-just be

Very very grateful for everything we have ❤️❤️

✏️✏️✏️ Dr Kris ✏️✏️✏️

12 STEPS HAPPY - STEP 8

SLIP ONE, KNIT ONE, PASS SLIP STITCH OVER

I love to knit. It used to be an old fashioned hobby but it's having a renaissance and is getting more and more popular. I'm not good at sitting doing nothing or watching TV, I need to be doing something with my hands and mind. Knitting is the perfect pastime and the more complex the pattern the better.

I have been knitting since I was six. I clearly remember my first project - a dark red dress for my Barbie Doll. I'm sure there were a dozen dropped stitches and “unplanned” holes but I still remember the sense of satisfaction in completing that project and dressing my Barbie in her new wardrobe.

Most of the time, now, I don't finish projects. I start, get partway through, decide I want it wider or thinner or a different pattern, so unravel it and start again. I don't mind. I just like keeping my hands busy and I like nothing better than spending a Saturday afternoon watching British murder mysteries or house renovation shows while I knit the same ball of wool 3 or 4 times.

It's my form of meditation, relaxation - counting stitches and following a pattern and watching cables or lacework appear off the end of the needles. And while my conscious brain focuses on the pattern count, my subconscious mind is sorting and filing all of the issues and concerns running through my mind similar to the way our minds work when we walk (I've talked about that in a previous post).

For me it's a form of mindfulness. Following the pattern keeps my mind anchored in the present. I'm not worrying about the past or the future. I am right here in the present thinking about whether this pattern row is a k5, s1, yrn, psso (the knitters will understand that secret code!)

So that is step 8. Meditation, relaxation, mindfulness, hypnosis. They all fulfil the same purpose. Turn off the mind. Focus on the present. Forget about the worries around you. But it's more than that. All of these practices help to relieve stress by reducing the levels of stress hormones in our body. They change blood flow in our bodies to actually help increase energy levels. They change the brainwaves in our minds and actually build neural pathways that make you happier and calmer.

We come out of relaxation feeling - well - relaxed! (Haha) But also more focussed, more able to manage our daily activities and more productive. As Mark Black says “Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is relax”.

Dave Asprey from “Bulletproof” fame did a study of some of the worlds highest achievers (and writes about it in his most recent book “Game changers”. He found that the one thing they all have in common is - they meditate.

Sometimes we don't think we have time to relax or meditate - and in answer I'll just leave this little quote here, there are multiple people to whom it's attributed - doesn't matter the quote says it all..

You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes everyday - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour.

As you can see by my knitting example there are many ways we can relax or meditate or practice mindfulness. Find something that suits you and gives you joy and benefit.

A guided meditation - there are plenty around on google or youtube for no cost. And plenty of apps too. I was listening to one recently that was called a mountain meditation and talked you through being a mountain - firm and strong - in the midst of everything going on around you. I really enjoyed that - I guess you've worked out I like symbolism and analogies. (Google “Bulletproof meditation challenge” to get access to some free guided meditation options)

A progressive muscle relaxation session - again you can find these free on the web. They step you through relaxing every muscle in your body, giving you something to focus on other than the thoughts in your head.

Specific Mindfulness programs where they teach you to observe the thoughts in your head, just let them pass through, don't add to the thought, don't pass judgement, just let it be. There's a lot more to mindfulness than that - it's just the beginning!

Do your own thing - you'll notice all the above are guided programs or recordings. I am not very good at turning off my mind on my own - I need help. I need someone out there telling me what to think about, what to focus on. But the clever people can do it all by themselves! There are also recordings that use binaural beats and brain entrainment to slow the brainwaves and help you get even more benefit out of your meditation session. (You can google search the above terms or go check out the Zen 12 recording available on youtube)

Go for a walk - but the secret is to focus on what's around you, not get lost in our own thoughts. Doesn't matter really, walking is its own form of meditation. Walk over 20 minutes and you'll start to change your brain and thinking anyway.

Just do 5 minutes here and there during the day. Stop and turn off for just a few minutes every now and then in the midst of a busy day - very hard to do but very productive.

Even just a few deep breaths can be useful. I've been teaching everyone the 4-7-8 breathing technique by Dr Andrew Weil which helps switch off the sympathetic nervous system (flight-fright-fight) and switch on the parasympathetic (relaxation). You breath in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7 and breath out for a count of 8. Do this 3-4 times a session and repeat it a few times a day. You can also use this technique if you're feeling stressed, anxious or overwhelmed to help settle your feelings Just google Weil 478 and you'll find more information.

And you're welcome to use my example of knitting, or anything else that allows you to stay in the moment. Because staying in the moment for a while allows you to enjoy the rest of your moments so much more.

Dr Kris xx

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✏️✏️✏️ Dr Kris ✏️✏️✏️

12 STEPS HAPPY - STEP 7

IF YOU'RE DOING THE DISHES DO THE DISHES

If you're doing the dishes, do the dishes. This was taught to me in the early days of the mindfulness movement, I can't remember where and I can't remember who, but it's such a strong and simple statement.

It means to be present. Be where you are, doing what you're doing. Don't wish your life away. Enjoy the current moment. And I am reminded of two stories.

The first is an old fairytale. I don't know the author or the origin but it's about a lad who is gifted a time keeper with a difference. The time keeper has a cord attached and if you pull the cord it will advance you forward in time. The story progresses through the lad’s life with him wondering “how will this work out”.. I can't remember all the times he pulls the cord but when willI finish school? What will do for a career? Who will I marry? How many children will I have? And before he knows it he's pulled the string and he's at the end of his life. But of course, he never really lives his life - he was too busy worrying about tomorrow.

The second story is closer to home. When my children were babies at each age I would think “this is the best age”. When they were newborns with their soft skin and baby smell - this is the best age! When they were toddlers with a little more independence - this is the best age! When they were young children with a bit of sass (and mine had/have PLENTY of sass!!) - this is the best age! When they were teenagers and we could hold a conversation - this is the best age! And then someone added, when they're adults and move out of home, that's the best age!!. In fact the best age is now with the Grandies - and doing all the stages over again.

We need to live our lives in the here and now. We only have this moment. The past has gone. No matter how much we worry about it we can't change it. If you need help to let things go, forgive yourself, forgive others - find that help, but the past has gone. The future has yet to come, and can be almost anything we make it - but the more we worry about it, the more we are likely to bring down those worries upon us as reality. (Of course my usual reminder - there are people for whom their level of worry and anxiety become a mental health problem - please seek help. And if you already are getting help - excellent - but please don't change any therapy or medication without advise.)

And by worrying about tomorrow you dilute the joy of today. There are so many people who have claimed a version of this quote that I can't fairly credit it to one person - but no wonder, it's so good.

Worrying about tomorrow dilutes the joy of today.

So how do we live in the moment? A number of ways. Many of the other steps we've worked through help us to live in the moment - gratitude and thanksgiving, self care, journalling. Even getting enough sleep so you can enjoy the day to its best.

But primarily it's about controlling your thinking. Modern psychology, the Bible and Law of Attraction all teach us that you can control what you're thinking. And we can control the emotions that go with our thoughts. Cognitive based therapy (CBT) teaches us that a thought, action and emotion are all connected and any of these three can trigger any of the others. I think I've used the example before of a white cedar tree, and how the fragrance of the blossom always reminds me of visiting my grandparents. The fragrance triggers emotions and thoughts and memories - all of them good. We can use this knowledge to ground us, bring us back to the present when we start to worry or fret or stress. What fragrances, activities, ideas bring you back to the current moment - a walk along the beach, take the kids to the park, have coffee with a friend.

Sometimes it's the little, continuous insistence in your own mind to turn away from a thought. But rather than tell yourself not to think of something, find your mind something else - more positive - to think of. And sometimes it's just bringing yourself back to focus on what you're doing. If you're doing the dishes, do the dishes. Don't let your thoughts wander. Bring them back to the warm soapy water, the clean cutlery going into the dish drainer, the view out the window. You can do this with any activity you're involved in.

We can use our activities to focus our thoughts, but even more, we can find something to enjoy in any activity. The feel of the warm water, the satisfaction of the dishes or washing done, the completion of that outstanding report for work.

This is one area where the blokes have it over the chicks - because being in the moment requires a single focus, not the multitasking most women live their lives with. And, I hate to say it, but single focus wins, hands down, on living in the moment.

There are other mindfulness and meditation practices that also help us live in the moment but we’ll cover them on their own in another step. This week is just a simple step at taking more time to be in the moment whatever you are doing because as the great quote by Bil Keane says

“Yesterday's the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift - that's why it's called the present.”

Have a great day Everyone

Dr Kris xx

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✏️✏️✏️ Dear Dr Kris ✏️✏️✏️

12 STEPS HAPPY - STEP 6

DEAR DIARY

Journaling.. it's as old as the hills and just as useful - if you do it properly. Not the “dear diary” we used to have as teenagers where we wrote our protestations of undying love for someone we never had the courage to even talk to!! (Oh! You didn't do that? It's just me? Whoops!!)

Good journaling has been proven to:
•Lower blood pressure
•Reduce stress
•Improve immune function
•Improve memory
•Improve decision making
•Improve self confidence
•Assist progress towards your goals
•Increase creativity
•Improve mood - it helps with happiness .. Could probably go on all day

But what is good journaling? It's really easy to pick up your journal and start writing how you feel, and even that act alone helps to desensitise any negative events or emotions you're experiencing. The more you write about something the more acceptable it becomes to your brain. Similar to desensitisation techniques for phobias, where you are gently and gradually brought into closer and closer contact with the phobia of your choice. Same with emotional events. Let's say you have an argument with your other half and you start writing about it. The first time you write about it it's all negative, how dare they? Calling them names yada yada. (Oh! You don't do that either? Double Whoops!!). If you keep journaling on the same issue either at different times or just a longer session what you often find is that once your grief or anger is spent, you start to see different viewpoints or find solutions - even accept responsibility for parts of the argument and how it could have been handled differently.

So any kind of journaling is good. But what if you could short cut to the positive feelings? Well you can. You just have to purposefully change the way you are writing or what you're writing about. Journalling can be used to solve problems, answer questions, decide how you really feel about something. But even more journaling can actually be used to look for the positives, look for the silver lining.

First of all I suggest you start with the rant session. Set a limit - a page, 10 minutes, or whatever works for you - and get all those negative thoughts down on the page. When you reach your limit, stop and refocus. Start writing the other side of the story, the answer, the solution, the silver lining.

There are some ways you can do this easier - some words actually.

How? when? what? why? Where? Who? I remember my English teacher using this many years ago (not that many!) to help us write stories at school. It's a bit of a variation but it still works well in journals.
•How do I feel about this
•How do I solve it
•How did I contribute (I'd keep that one for last it's pretty confrontational - but when your ready, your ready)
•What can I do to change it?
•What can I learn from this?
•Who can help me?
•Where do I want to be in 3 month?
•What can I do to help myself?

You get the picture. What I usually find is that as I get to this pivot point in my journal, the questions I need to answer come up automatically. My subconscious is already telling me what I need to know, where I need to focus. The subconscious is amazing. In true iceberg fashion, 90% of our brain power is hidden below the surface. We have the answers inside us, we just need to know where to look.

Dr Caroline Leaf introduces us to the word “and”. She says that we don't have to be “either/or” - we don't have to be happy or sad, we can be positive and negative at the same time. Her best example, in my opinion, is we can be taking responsibility AND we can be taking care of ourselves at the same time. From a journal perspective, AND is a good word for that pivot point

AND I will do this
AND I think
AND this can be helped by..

Just another word to get us to change focus, gently move our thoughts and feelings in a different direction. Because, yes, you do have control of what you think and feel. And you can use that control to lift yourself up, or to drag yourself down. And what you're doing by journaling is writing down your thoughts and your feelings. Judy Whillas, a Neurologist says “what you write, you control”.

Writing it down is another way of saying it out loud. Often when we say something out loud we realise how wrong or silly it sounds. We use our friends or relatives as sounding board and ask them a question or make a statement. Sometimes they agree with us, sometimes their response is the equivalent of “watchu talkin bout Whillas!! If you wouldn't say it or write it down, then you really shouldn't be thinking it either!

Like any habit you want to start or change, start small. Don't start off wanting to write pages and pages. I'd say 15 minutes 3 times a week. If you're more of a daily person then 10 minutes each day - 5 minute problem dump or rant, 5 minutes of solutioning (that's a made up word and I'm pretty sure the grammar police are going to hate it!)

Start low, go slow.. but definitely try and incorporate some journalling in your day. I love it.

Dr Kris xx

(As usual, I have all the references if anyone would like them, and have credited the important statements.)

Ps.. if you needed an excuse - tell the husband it was doctors orders to buy a new journal!! The Bay Room & Ella + Zafran are our go to gift shops locals for all things beautiful -& both have some stunning journals in store 💙💙

STEP 3

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Step 2 🙏

✏️✏️✏️ Dr Kris ✏️✏️✏️

12 STEP HAPPY - STEP 2

KEEP ON WALKING DON'T LOOK BACK

How are you going with those blessings from last week? Amazing what you can find to be grateful for when you just start looking. Start to refocus on the silver lining not the cloud. Some things we can't change, we just have to manage - like Covid-19 - but even inside what you can't change is a wealth of good things. I mean, for certain, if you can change it - change it!! But if you can't, well you manage it and look for the value.

If you struggled to do the blessing exercise this week, no matter, try again next week. It's just a habit change. Head back to the original introductory post where I wrote some practical ideas about changing habits - give it another go. It's worth it.

If you did achieve the Blessing habit, well done!! Let me know if there is anything specific you've noticed change this week (warning - if you do you may end up as a story in my book!).

And now let's move onto step 2 - Exercise! There are so many benefits from exercise for mental health and well-being - and so many other benefits for physical health too. It doesn't have to be complicated or hard work. At its simplest, walking has huge benefits. But any form of exercise is good for your health and happiness.

The forward motion of walking activates the problem solving part of the brain. It's not that you totally solve your problems, more like you sort them into pigeon holes and come back from your walk more organised and at peace with the issues surrounding you. You don't even need to be actively thinking of your problems while you walk. Your subconscious takes and sorts them for you, giving you a sense of completion on your return. And a sense of achievement. You can tick something off your to do list. You've done something positive for your own health.

Forward motion is associated with moving forward, with “moving on” - moving on from your problems. As Peter Tosh says “ we're gonna leave all our troubles behind. Keep on walking. Don't look back!”

I have the references for everything I talk about but have chosen to simplify the writing by not placing quotes all over the place - but when something is important I'll certainly give it credit. Like in the studies by Webb etal (that means “and the rest”) where they talk about walking as a means of conflict resolution. They suggest trying to hold a a discussion about a conflict while your walking. The side by side nature of walking, the “in sync” of steps and speed means you're more likely to find a solution while walking without the argument. Just from a simple walk!!

And then there's the prefrontal cortex. That lovely part of the brain that tells us how bad we are, how we've stuffed up. All the negativities. The prefrontal cortex has a lot of positive functions as well - our personalities, our goals, our values - but you can see why it might want to talk negative to us. However, research shows that after 20 minutes of walking the prefrontal cortex starts to quieter down and stop talking negatively to you. It's probably the PFC (not to be confused with KFC - that's def not good for you) that's responsible for the decision making and problem solving when walking that we've already mentioned.

So your walk should be over 20 minutes just so you get the benefits of the reduced negative self talk. And with regular walking that negative self talk stays away for longer and longer during the day.

I am lucky enough to live on the end of the Parnkalla trail and walk for 30 minutes most days. Not only am I getting my problems solved and my cardiovascular exercise, I'm also getting my green-blue fix. Exposure to nature is associated with positive mood changes, less stress hormones and an improvement in your immune system (that's pretty useful at the moment).

Walking is not the only beneficial exercise. Almost any exercise is good for you. Heavy duty, high impact exercise like our friends at CrossFit enjoy, or jogging or circuit training etc, give you all the cardio and strength benefits but also endorphins - feel good hormones that the body naturally produces. For years we've thought that endorphins interact with the opioid (morphine) receptors in the brain for their feel good effect, however more and more we are finding evidence that endorphins have their effect though the endocannabinoid system - the receptors that cannabis interacts with. I guess gym or running really is a high!!

And then there's dancing. I love to dance! I bought an x box just so I could play Just Dance on it (none of those war games for me!). Some of my Grandies love to come over for a dance party. They stand at the front and dance while I do the movements behind them so they get 5 stars. If I didn't love dancing before, being able to dance and mess around with the Grandies makes it ultra special and a direct improvement on mental health! More recently I've found Ballroom Dancing lessons in Port Lincoln, and even though I go on my own - husband hates dancing, not gonna let that stop me - I still have a ball! There's a mathematical precision about the dance steps, the timing, the hold - almost everything about dancing - and many of you would know what I'm like with numbers. But seriously, dancing has been shown to not only provide exercise but lift our mood and improve brain function. Dr Moseley says exercise improves understanding, focus and memory. Even clinical depression can be improved with dance (but don't stop your existing therapy until your doctor says you can).

So over to you. Your challenge this week is to start somewhere. Doesn't matter where. Find something you love to do, and just do it.

It doesn't have to be huge. Remember those habit forming tips. Just start with a 10 minute walk and just do it daily. Sounds too simple. Make yourself do just that 10 minutes so it becomes a habit. So easy to talk to yourself into just 10 minutes. Establish that 10 minutes - and then increase it. Just make a start. Now!!!

Dr Kris xx

✏️✏️✏️ Dr Kris ✏️✏️✏️

12 STEPS HAPPY..
STEP ONE: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

When I'm worried,
And I can't sleep,
I count my blessings instead of sheep,
And I fall asleep, counting my blessings.
Bing Crosby - Counting my blessings
A white Christmas 1954

Count your blessings, count them one by one
Count your blessings, see what God has done
Hymn - Oatman & Excell 1897

Today we call it Gratitude, and sometimes it's as commercialised as mindfulness has become. But - like mindfulness - under the hype and publicity is a very sound doctrine that's been around for many many years, at least 120 based on the hymn alone. In fact Cicero back in Roman times BC said “Gratitude is the greatest of virtues, and the parent of all the others”.

Call it what you will - gratitude, thanksgiving, blessings - the idea is to focus on what's going well in your life. No matter how bad things get, there are always positive things - it doesn't matter how small they are. Our job is to find them!

In formal mental health conditions - depression, anxiety - one of the problems is that people focus on a thought, usually a bad thought, and think it over and over again. The thought is often not true, but the more you tell yourself something, the more you come to believe it.

Cognitive Based therapy teaches that thoughts, emotions and actions are all interlinked - even smells come into play. We think something and our emotions reflect what we’re thinking. Ask me about my Grandies and the fairies in the vege garden - smiling straight away! Even just thinking up more fairie stuff to put in the garden makes us smile about how they'll react when they see it next.

Of course negative thoughts and experiences do the opposite. Someone calls you a name or cuts you off in traffic, keep thinking on it and you'll get angrier and angrier. Just let it go!!

What you focus on is what ends up becoming your life. You can take this to the level of the Law of Attraction theories which says that what you focus on is what you attract into your life. Or you can keep it at a simple level which says what you focus on is what you spend your time on, how you end up thinking and feeling.

I remember reading a book by Andrew Matthew 25 years ago (I must have been 12!) called Being Happy. He talks about how drivers have more accidents in new cars (statistically proven). We get in a new car and we think “Hope I don't crash, Hope I don't crash!” Our mind thinks in pictures so all it sees is a crash. Hey presto, we have a crash. What we should do is think “I'm going to drive safe!” And the picture our mind creates is of us driving safe.

Gratitude and blessings work the same way. We think of the things we are grateful for or blessed with, and our mind sees the happy pictures - and finds us more happiness.

It's so simple really.

Let's not complicate it any further. In the book I'll find you countless research statistics that show you gratitude works but today I'm only going to mention one study where the author found even a week of gratitude improved happiness for 6 months! See, you don't even need to do it everyday! But you're going to - because that's how you form a habit (remember last week)!!

How to count your blessings

1 They don't have to be big, they don't have to be major. Just something you enjoyed, something that brought a spark to your day, something that made you feel good, something you're thankful for. The important part is it actually evokes a feeling. The latest joke in Sally's house is that Jax wants Hungry Jacks for tea and Brody wants Hungry Brody’s!! We laugh everytime we hear it. Something so simple and so silly yet it makes us feel good time after time. Katalina playing with a stethoscope and clicky high heels (yeah I know it's weird that that makes me feel good - if you don't know why it makes me feel good I guess you heavens heard me walking around the practice!), Bonnie loving the fairies, the kids playing with the black cats. Get the gratitude out of your head and into your heart.

2 Start with 3. Some people tell you to find 10 things you're grateful for - but sometimes 10 is a lot. Start with where you are and work up. You can even start with one - some days that's all you'll find, but focus on that one thing that makes you feel good over and over.

3 Remember, it's not cheating to use old or previous Gratitudes on those days you're struggling. Let's face it, not everyday is perfect. Some days we're more frazzled than others, so keep a list of your gratitudes so you can go back and pick out previous ones - and watch how they make you feel better straight away. This can be really useful in those dip days when the hormones have worn off and you just don't feel like it.

4 The easiest way is a gratitude journal, either a daily entry or even just a running list. If you're doing it as a family keep a list on the fridge. It's actually a simple way of showing your partner or children you're grateful for something they've done like hanging the washing or tidying the toys. Actually the research suggests we get even more benefit when we tell someone we're grateful for something they've done - more dopamine and serotonin release. Good for them, good for us!!

5 In line with the above, write a letter to someone saying how grateful you are for something they did - you'll make their day (probably their week!) and you'll make yourself happier in the process.

6 Don't like to journal? Keep a gratitude jar. Write your gratitudes on bits of coloured paper and put them in the jar. Looks really pretty and when you can't think of anything to be grateful for you can pick one out of the jar and remember.

7 Don't like writing at all? Go for a walk and think of all your blessings while you walk (spoiler alert - next week will be about walking and you'll see how you get double benefits walking and thinking about your blessings)

8 incorporate gratitude into your meditation or mindfulness practice. I am no good at all at “emptying my mind” for meditation so I find something positive to focus on that allows me to direct my thoughts rather than the chaotic mess they are usually - and I will deny that comment if you send the psychiatrist round to visit me!

9 Gratitude Rocks!! Get yourself a rock or a crystal, and whenever you see it or pick it up think of your blessings. You'll become so conditioned over time that everytime you see the rock you'll think “blessings” and your mood will automatically change. Don't believe me? Just try it. There was a beautiful White Cedar tree in the garden of a house we lived in once, and everytime I smelt it it would bring up feelings of love and peace - because my grandparents always had a tree like that in their garden, and so I came to associate visiting my grandparents with the fragrance of that tree. That tree was in England and I've been Australian since I was 11, and those feelings have stayed with me the whole time.

Okay, over to you. Pick something which appeals to you and get started. Part of this process is I want stories and anecdotes for my book so feel free to let us know how counting your blessings has improved your life.

Back next week with step 2 which I've already said is exercise. Catch you then.
Kris xx

Disclaimer
While the ideas and content of this book and pages is based on sound psychology principles (CBT, supportive psychology, meditation, mindfulness, hypnosis) the ideas are NOT intended to replace medication or formal counselling. Please do not stop or change ANY current treatment you maybe involved in without discussing it with your health professionals first.