Zizah

I love and miss y'all! I hope everyone is still chasing their dreams and living life to its fullest! Drop a comment so I can hear how you've been doing!

174 is the number of days it’s been since I walked away from streaming. Coincidentally it’s also the numbers of days its been since I ghosted all of you. I’ve almost written this post a hundred times at this point but haven’t, because that means I’m acknowledging my failure as a streamer and as a friend to many of you. It’s funny because every day that had passed since I quit made it that much harder to face the reality I set upon myself. I’m sure there are quite a few people that will think “It’s only a stream bro. Why are you so upset in the first place”? The fact is that when you spend countless hours creating something and pouring yourself into it, watching it fail because of the choices you made is very hard.

I started streaming because it made me happy. There was never any pressure to perform or to try and be funny. It was just something I did while I played with friends, and it turned into something bigger than I could’ve ever expected. The feeling of having hundreds of people watching and commenting on my stream was such a crazy rush. Knowing that the hard work and skill I put into a game was the reason people were watching is such a crazy feeling. Sadly, it was at that point where streaming no longer was about the love of the game itself; it became about growing and chasing that streaming dragon. I’m aware that I’m not the most entertaining person on any platform so I knew to continue my growth I had to perform exceedingly well in any game I played. The pressure to play in the top 1% of the top 1% day after day is very hard when you’ve lost the passion for the game. I stopped feeling that rush when you win a BR game because the only thing I was looking at was the damn viewer count because that was all that mattered to me.

“Come on, you gotta keep up engagement and views or else Facebook won’t push your stream”

“Don’t swear on stream because it’ll hurt viewership”

“Uh oh, you’re playing another game you like but it’s not Call of Duty, so nobody is going to watch you”

“Why do you get so frustrated when you die? It’s only a game bro”

So much of streaming is just a facade to keep up engagement. I was literally just some dude yelling, talking and laughing like a madman for hours in a room all by myself to keep up this image. I lost myself in the person I was on the screen. Streaming was no longer about the love for gaming – only the love of engagement. It’s crazy how when things you once enjoyed start keeping you employed, you start to hate it. I used to get excited to boot up the ole Xbox and play some COD. Now, even to this day, I just feel stressed. I’m not saying streaming ruined gaming for me, I’m just saying I completely burned myself out on the endless grind to be the best in the world. It got to the point of where if I wasn’t #1 on the team or win every game Warzone/Blackout I was deeply dissatisfied, yet if I did win it was only another scratch on the wall. The point is when the game isn’t enough for you and you’re just chasing the views, engagement, stats and the absurdity of it all, the love for the game becomes lost in it all. My loss of the love for gaming and streaming was compounded with the stress from school, my relationships and just life in general. I became deeply depressed when I quit streaming because I felt like I failed myself, my family and all of you. I isolated myself in my own head because the world outside of it had become too hard to look at.

I see now that all of you are so supportive that I’m sure y’all wouldn’t care if I quit for a while because you just want me to be happy. I am extremely grateful for every single of you that supported me throughout the time I streamed consistently because without you I wouldn’t have been able to pay my bills, have so many crazy experiences and meet so many wonderful people through this community. I would thank every single one of you individually if I had the chance to. It’s odd because I may have just been a face on a screen and all of you were just text scrolling by, but I believe the relationships were almost as real in-person friendships.

Don't worry though, after a lot of self-refection, growth and (some) therapy I’m in a very good headspace now. As for the future of the stream: who knows? My living situation isn’t ideal for streaming because of internet constraints but I’m sure that if I wanted to, it would work. School has been kicking my ass because classes are getting exponentially harder every semester so if I do have the time I most likely will try streaming again. The new Halo and Battlefield are looking AMAZING, and I really want to try them! So if I do decide boot-up again, I’ll let y’all know.

Edit: Thanks for all the support 😭😭😭 I’m going to work through all the comments once i get done cooking all my meals for the week!