A Hidden Child

“We have a need to be loved and accepted by others but can’t love and accept ourselves”….Don Miguel Ruiz

The Universe and my soul have been pulling at me for awhile now trying to let me know I’m feeling stuck and will remain stuck till I do the shadow work. It’s hard to look yourself in the mirror and own things about yourself that are not so nice. I have put it off for as long as I can, time to open that door. If you are curious or want to understand shadow work read Carl Jung.

I’m not speaking about appearance this is about those shadow parts, those bad traits you needed or picked up fromyour unhealthy care givers/parents and or partners. This can be: Judge mental, gossipy, prideful, nasty, rude, anger, telling stories/lies/ dishonesty arrogance, callous, etc. Everyone can be or do these things at times but when it is a trait you carry it’s part of your dark side. Think of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

We are ALL HAVE a shadow no one is EXEMPT.
If we don’t own all the parts of of us, the good and bad we are not being real to ourselves and if you want to heal those flawed parts need love and healing too.

This is very accurate especially for major depression disorder and or bipolar two or cyclical bipolar.

Females go through this on a daily in toxic relationships many times not knowing it’s toxic and abusive. This is especially true if you have come from abuse… mental, physical and sexual trauma. I can personally say I have dealt with this and then felt shame and embarrassed after. I will say something I would have never said out loud, there were times it could have been considered r**e.

This is something I can still struggle with but the plus is I can see it and aware of it. This is my next chapter in therapy to build strong boundaries and confidence when it comes to physical aspects of a relationship. This always come back to us loving ourselves and not allowing ANYONE to treat us less than!

THIS!!!!!!!

If you know …. You know

I would ask that people be mindful when throwing around mental health disorder names. Such as saying to someone OMG he or she is so BiPolar or OMG I lost my favorite lipstick now I have PTSD. I try not to think to much on how dangerous these and other mental health diseases can be but I was reminded in listening to a podcast…. People commit su***de in trying to cope with these diseases, they are exhausting, frustrating and scary to those of us with them. So why you may just be joking around at the end of the day for us it’s not funny.

I wish my cookies would have crumbled earlier in my life or knew about child trauma so at 25 I would have been asking this.

We never get over it but we can get through it…. 💕💕💕💕

💯

Friday I had my 6 month eval with case manager at the place I go to meet with my psychiatrist. The case worker asked me what my hobbies were, I said reading and peace. When I said peace I was like oh damn I have found peace and the case worker said “I love that”.

When your living your entire life in trauma mode and or still experiencing trauma your life is noisy, chaotic even. That life is normal especially when it’s all you know, so when, as I say my cookies crumbled and I got help, started healing I found quiet, calm…. Peace. When I want to add noise or shake things up they are good things, positive things of my choosing.

I hope everyone finds peace even just a little💕💕💕

More real than people know

I was watching a show just now and the young lady in this show who had been trafficked and abused ended up saved but said she felt like what was taken from her she couldn’t get back….she wasn’t sure what exactly but then she figured it out, what she said next hit hard but good. She said it was it was like they cut away pieces of her soul and she thought of cutting away the rest of her to finish what they started. She was asked what changed her mind….she said “what if the soul grows back”

That is something for us to think about no matter what was done if we nurture our souls/ourselves I believe the soul can grow back/heal. Think of your soul like a plant, remember to feed, water, get sunlight, show love and let’s watch our soul grow/heal.💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

It’s not crazy, many of us learned that joy was short lived and our bodies let us know not to let our guard down. Our struggle was we are safe is rewiring not only our brains but our bodies.

Be mindful of things/events that can make you unravel. Even with meds the last 24 hours no sleep and the unraveling…there is this messy energy inside and thoughts running amuck….it sucks but I know the cause and once the messy energy clears I will set a plan and bring up the good energy. The meds are doing there job and keeping me still so I can process. Meds are not the cure but they really do help.….oh and burning some sage followed by lavender. 💕

I have been associating healing with coming off meds and or no longer feeling the pain.…or not being so overly stimulated.

Well this past week I messed up with my psychiatrist appointment and have been a about 4 days without them…..without them the good thing is things that heal without meds are certain behaviors, thoughts about myself, ability to use coping skills….without them my feeling odometer goes full tilt, hurt/pain can flood in, body feels everything! Some people say this is how you know your alive but for me that’s not living, I can’t function for everyday life because my brain cannot handle things that can come with every day life anymore. my brain supported, protected and saved me my entire life, she’s tired and she needs protection.

Never think your not healing or getting better because your brain/body needs medication. I can say I don’t need as many as I did Year a go, I’m down to two instead of five!!!!!!

Everyone is different, every story is different…continue to work on yourself, continue to heal no matter what that looks like for you and continue to live. This journey is lifelong but I’ve come a long way since my first step…..

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Watching a show called “A Million Little Things” and it’s reminding that depression for me and countless others will be there even when things are amazing. Just because someone has a great life or or great things happening does not mean depression can’t reach them. That’s like saying she is so health conscious how did she get diabetes…. It can be hereditary, trauma based, medical etc….

I’m realizing much of my numbness or lack of feeling is depression. Most think it’s not showering not getting out of bed incapable of doing anything… it can be those things and some days it is those things but most days it’s doing what I need to do but without feeling. I’m going to be thankful for my days I get thru and treasure the days I can feel.

Never let anyone tell you your depression isn’t real because of all the positive in your life……

I just heard this.…..”In every relationship there is the gardener and the flower”.
If your always the gardener there are times you will get tired or need tending to so you will need to switch places and that’s ok. 🌼🌻🌷

I came across the below and I love it….the word “Forgiveness” for me is one of the hardest things when healing. “Releasing” seems to change the perspective on it all.