Hairdolljess

That’s enough for me thanks.

I’ve made new connections with family I haven’t seen in decades and it’s been so healing. What I’ve gone through with my side of the family, has been truly devastating. However, if I hadn’t gone through it I wouldn’t have had this opportunity to have such deep and meaningful relationships with people I never had the chance to get to know. To be accepted for exactly who you are (vulnerabilities and all) is a gift that many don’t have a chance to experience. The type of abuse I endured from my parents was lengthy but one instance it keeps coming up for me is the lack of emotional support from them. Emotional abuse scares us out of our own emotions while simultaneously making us scared of others emotions. John Bradshaw describes the devastation of the child’s emotional nature as “soul murder”. He explains this as a process where a child’s emotional expression is so assaulted with disgust that any emotional experience immediately becomes self toxic shame. I always knew my parents were different, but the word “abuse” never occurred to me. But this quote made me have an “ah-ha” moment. Like the flood gates opening and everything that I shoved deep down inside came up to the surface begging me to remember. “When contempt replaces the milk of kindness, the child feels humiliated and overwhelmed. Too helpless to understand, the child eventually becomes convinced that they are fatally flawed and deserves their parent’s persecution.” I became okay with being alone and not relying on others for anything. As an adult, learning how to love yourself and grieve the childhood you should’ve had is very difficult, but this is the way. The way to true freedoms and love.

Best massage of my life! Thanks Karly Engel! Y’all DM her if you need an amazing massage therapist!

Wanted a change.

Another hair friend day. She wanted her bright 🍊 hair back. From auburn to copper, I’d say color corrections are still my jam. Plus, I live for copper hair 🧡

Doin some cutesy hair for my friend’s kiddo today. It’s nice to get my hand into some hair. This is my band playing btw you should check us out. It would make my 🖤 happy

Something I’ve learned and observed over the last couple of years is that most people avoid uncomfortable conversations to “keep the peace”. But peace isn’t the goal of a relationship. Love is. And when we love someone, we have the hard conversations in honor of that love.

I wrote this about a month ago knowing Mother’s Day is coming up. It was more so to get my feelings out. It’s not to send to my birth giver. So I post this for all of those who see this who also have a difficult relationship with their mother and to let you know that you’re not alone. And to remember you’re loved and you deserve to be here. Try to take sometime this weekend to give yourself some space and comfort. And remember always to be kind to yourself because you deserve peace.

Dear Meine Mutter,
I hope you dream of me. I don’t mean this in a condescending way. I simply mean, I hope that a small part inside you knows what’s happening is wrong. I mean that inner child who never dreamed her life would’ve ended up one big manipulative lie. The one who taught her daughters so young how to stand up for others even if no one else will. To always speak the truth. Even if we are the only ones. Can you blame me for hoping this? After all, aren’t I just doing what you have taught me to do? I never imagined you’d refuse my help. I never imagined you would scapegoat and blame me for how your life has turned out.
I dream about you, though, my mother. Some are happy, but some end up with me waking up sweating with a migraine begging in the dark for peace. But those joyful dreams…Oh mother, I wish you could see what I saw so long ago in your eyes. I know you remember, that small quiet part of you. How you once woke up in the mornings, excited for the day so you could carve your own way in the world. Surrounded by those who love you most. It’s not too late though mother. There’s a small part of me that will always be waiting for you if you choose a new path. If you choose peace, truth, and true unconditional love. Because I unconditionally love you, meine mother, even if you can’t and choose to not love me.
Signed- your scapegoated daughter

Growing up in an unstable household teaches children many things but one thing that has stood out this week to me was the ability to accept love. You see when the example a child is given of love is screaming, blaming, shaming, cheating, lying and then covering up others sins… the child ends up with some pretty horrible trust issues. Basically, chaos and surface level intimacy feels safe, and stability and deep connection is terrifying. This is all on a subconscious level of course, but if you’ve done any work on yourself, you’ve come to realize that the subconscious and nervous system actually run the show. As you all know, this last week has been difficult because I broke my wrist. I have had to rely on others to help me. My husband has been amazing like always but the big shocker to me, however, has been at work. Everyone at work has been so kind and generous and tentative to my needs. I’ve gotten a few small gifts, texts, calls, cards, and I was so overwhelmed with the amount of love and support on my first day back at work Monday that I ended up crying. Mind you, they were happy tears, but it still surprises me that for the first time in my life, I am surrounded by people that I haven’t known for years that care and their actions match their words. My life might not look exactly how I thought it would or how I would’ve planned it but I know I’m exactly where Im meant to be. Allowing myself to let others take care of me, and feeling safe enough to be vulnerable with people I deem safe, has been a huge goal of mine this past year. I still struggle with letting others in and opening up, but it gets a little bit easier day by day. So, even when you feel like a small act of kindness doesn’t get noticed please know it does. To people like me, it means the world.

BREAKING: Police recovered two dead bodies in rural Texas amid the investigation into the disappearance of two mothers from Kansas who went missing in Oklahoma, authorities announced.

Read more: https://abcnews.go.com/US/2-dead-bodies-recovered-amid-investigation-missing-kansas/story?id=109226829

✨life update✨
Ya’ll the past few weeks have been both mentally healing and triggering. I have reconnected with some extended family that I never really had the chance to have a deep relationship with. The love I have felt from them was a new experience, a different type of experience, for me anyways. And it has helped my inner child heal immensely. If the things that have happened over the past couple of years hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to make these relationships and I am so grateful fr this journey I’m on. Even though it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, it’s always proving to me it’s worth it. I still and will always have that pull to want to go back to want to try to make my parents, sister, brother, etc.. see that what they are doing is scary, harmful, and abusive and that there is a different way, but I’m not drowning in that feeling anymore. I have started to feel a lot of acceptance that they chose this. And I choose to heal.
But in other news, please be careful when you’re absentmindedly walking down the stairs in your pjs and house sockies bc you might end up like me at the bottom of the stairs trying not to throw up and pass out from falling and breaking your wrist in two places. Here’s to healing *physically* 🙃

They either participate or know about it and do nothing. Both are complicit.

Where did we go wrong

Accepting that I came from a dysfunctional family was and is still difficult. But no one truly understands the utter agony of your full body accepting and understanding what it means to come from a dysfunctional family, unless they’ve experienced it themselves. From the love bombing and grooming to the walking on eggs shells every day since you were born, it’s only natural that our survival instincts kicked in. I can tell you that the best way to describe the dynamic is when it was good it was really good, but when it was bad, it was gut wrenching. I want to eye roll myself so bad when I say that sentence, but it’s true. When you’re in the thick of it you know something is wrong but you feel almost frozen in time. You tell yourself “well there’s nothing I can do” and “everyone else (you trust) seems okay w it” and you excuse the behavior away. Looking back, I now know it’s called cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. Sometimes these conflicting beliefs are so frightening to the person, that the brain simply cannot accept this as reality. This is a survival instinct. It’s a form of self protection. It’s a scary place to be this type of emotional hell, but here I am surviving and healing. And I wanted to share with you, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you’re not alone and it does get better. Healing from trauma is a long and slow process, but I can promise you, the love for yourself and others you find along the way is what you’ve been searching for.

⚔️⛓🗡🛡

I wish today could be everyday. We went on an adventure on a nature trail with friends, found some cool rocks, planted potatoes, and glassed some duck eggs. Ended the day with making some carne asada steak and wine on the porch. The slow life is a goal for us. After basically living my whole life in survival mode without realizing it, this is how I want my life to be. Slow, peaceful, surrounded by those who I love. If you too are suffering from ptsd, I promise it gets better. Keep working on yourself, keep your eyes focused on the love you deserve by giving it to yourself, pour into those relationships that bring peace to your life. Healing isn’t linear my friends. It’s a revolution.

Weird flex but okay 💀
new song drops today! Find it on 🤘

To have my immediate family be deeply involved in the church meant that it would be a long trip for me to get to where I am today on my deconstruction journey. I honestly don’t know when I would’ve been ready to address it. Jesus is my families entire personality & it terrified me to even think about bringing it up. I knew that they all would tell me I’m going to hell, & I need help…etc. But while I was dealing with realizing that what I believed in for the past 30+ years was all manipulation, my father was caught at a place that was being monitored for human traff!cking. I confronted him in front of the family & they all just gathered around him & told him he needs more Jesus. This is the type of logic that the cult I grew up in makes a person believe. When my family ghosted me bc I wouldn’t let this go, I was only partly surprised. My mother (before we stopped speaking) told me my father was in therapy & doing better but I haven’t heard a peep from him since that initial confrontation almost 2 years ago. One can conclude that his “therapy” & “more Jesus” isn’t working. But a breakdown of why I believe therapy will never work for my father is another post. My mother, father, sister, & bil ghosted me a few months after this confrontation. I’ve come to realize that people ghost others when they can’t navigate conflict & struggle with uncomfortable conversations. I know this to be true with every single one of them. People who have narcissistic personality disorders use ghosting as a tactic to gain control. When people remove themselves from our lives, we can start to shame ourselves, think we did something wrong, or open up past abandonment wounds. But in reality, it’s just these people displaying their true patterns. One thing I do know for sure is if Jesus is real, then they are the furthest from the embodiment of his teachings.

Which one???? 👁️👄👁️

Just some thoughts while eating my lunch… When I make a post regarding my family situation, I have a lot of supportive comments and DM’s from people who have gone through similar stories. Being a generational curse breaker is heartbreaking. It takes immense amounts of courage to do something our ancestors could not. The pain that comes with it is intense, and lonely. Most of the people (if not all) that have known you and your family of origin for a long time either abandon you or become flying monkeys. They will invalidate you or continue to question your choice. Some mean well, but let’s face it, if they were emotionally mature and had empathy, they would be compassionate and would want to know your side. It’s difficult to navigate nonetheless. In these moments remember those who ground you. Remember who you’re doing this for. Remember that you deserve to have people in your life that love you for exactly who you are. People who choose you. People who are safe. I have come to realize I would rather be alone and healthy instead of with them and sick. The right people who are meant to be in your life will come to you. Focus on yourself and your healing and the liberating feelings of freeing yourself and your children from anymore dysfunction makes it all worth it.
Have you ran into these issues with people when they learn of your situation? Share with me in the comments!

It’s true

Growing up the way that I did With a dogmatic belief system has left me with religious trauma or RT. Even though it’s not found as a diagnosis in DSM texts, RT is recognized by most psychologists and psychiatrists. Symptoms, ranging in severity, experienced by those who have participated in or left behind authoritarian, dogmatic, and controlling religious groups and belief systems. Once I learned about religious trauma, I realized that I needed to deconstruct my religious upbringing. Which in return, led me to deconstruct the way my parents raised me. At the beginning of my journey I read a quote saying, “If you want to know who your true friends are, work on yourself for 6 months.”
This quote terrified me. I think it’s because I always knew deep down inside that once I started confronting my family about anything related to abuse(whether religion related or family related) that it was not going to end well. I was right nonetheless, but it took me awhile to finally address some things. I started therapy the following fall, and within 6 months a situation came up within my family that I couldn’t ignore any longer. My side of the family and my relationship ended because I asked everyone to go to therapy and seek help. They chose to ghost me. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. At the time it was (and still is) one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, but the peace that I have found along the way has been like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Yes, some days the grief is so big I feel like I can’t breathe, but letting go of people in my life that cause me pain, has allowed more room into my life for true authentic relationships I never knew I was missing. I still mourn my family, my mom, dad, sister, nieces… but every night I say a little prayer to the universe that they will find their way to truth and maybe one day we can all come together again. Mourning the childhood I could’ve had and the person I could’ve been. Mourning the mother and father I deserved as a child, and forgiving myself for things that were out of my control is a long journey, but my husband and daughter are worth it and our peace we have together is worth every tear.

I have found that chasing the question “what’s my purpose?” Is so complex for many of us When the answer is quite simple. As you know if you’ve followed me for a while, I personally have been through a lot the past few years and have been on a journey towards healing and peace. In my journey, I have found for myself, that maybe our “purpose” is just to become our true authentic selves. We grow up in a society that constantly pushes us to constantly compare ourselves to others, codependency, and the abandonment of the “self”. Our entire existence is set up in a way that we are autopiloting our own lives. We get this idea in our heads that life has to look a certain way but why and where do these ideas come from? If we want to find our purpose we must start with self acceptance and true self love. Becoming you is just being true to yourself. Not saying sorry for who you are. Pursuing things that make you happy and interest you and not accepting anything but love from those closest to you. Living in your truth and being the wonderfully made exactly how you are, you. Quirks and all! The world needs YOU.

Would he be ✨mesmerized✨ ??????

Don’t give up!!!

For those of you who know me personally, YumYum passed away last night. After having him my entire adult life of 15 years, he moved onto the rainbow bridge at midnight last night. He was such an amazing dog and a great comfort to me in some of my most darkest times. Thank you YumYum for loving me, my husband, and daughter unconditionally. You knew that it was time to say “see you later” because you knew that I was in a good place to let you go. Thank you for being my YumYum. I love you so much 🖤

C’mon guys…. Help me out here

Thanks for making the best retro inspired swimwear and for taking the best pictures of me 😅 love youuuu