As My Pen Bleeds

Tears slide down her face
She hopes it will make the heaviness inside easier to embrace
Yet it's just never the case
So she does her best to bear it with grace...

Overthinker

Every
Single
Word
Tone
Reaction
Gesture
Sound
Will be dissected
Into a million different possibilities
There is no room for uncertainty
No room for misunderstanding
No room for error
It is mental torture
Draining
Frustrating
If something is not made clear
We will assume the worst
We will assume thousands of scenarios
This is just how it works
There is no switching it off
Everything has infinite possibilities
The unknown is not an option
It is terrifying
And therefore we must decipher
Until we have reached a conclusion that satisfies our questions
More often than not we have more questions than answers
Loose ends that torment the mind at the most inopportune moments
We have no option but to assume
And assumption is the worst of all enemies
It destroys things around us
And yet it is incurable
Something we must endure
Both a gift
And a curse
There is a fine line
On which we balance
And more often than not
We fail
And yet we see things others do not
We question what others do not
So I say, is it a gift, or a curse…

~Stephanie Botha~

Dirt

So this is how it is
Everyday I’m down in the dirt
Pushing through the hurt
I grind myself down to the bone
As they all laugh at me in that tone
The few spare bills I stash
You all look at me like I’m trash
I don’t follow your simple lifestyle
I’m always on the prowl
Working hard
Until my hands are charred
My darkness I must suppress
But with my ink I don’t need to repress
It’s the only way I know how to express
Every one of my demons I address
I know them all by name
And yeah, sometimes I am ashamed
Because to them I am still chained
A little wild and deranged
Not everyone gets my kind of strange
It’s not an easy thing to change
I’ve learnt to tame the rage
As I process each stage
From a young age
I was raised in a cage
Most kids are taught to walk and talk
I was made to sit and shut the f**k up
Black and blue wasn’t just the sky’s hue
It painted my skin too
I had no voice
Just as I had no choice
Until one day I finally took a stand
And I ran
I know what it’s like to go hungry
What it’s like to have no place to lay your head
What it’s like to have nothing
Yet I know you all think I’m bluffing
And so each day that I’m down in the dirt
It’s to carve my own destiny
Best believe
I do not conform to the norm

I look into the eye of the storm
I do not flinch
Because I’ve lived through hell
I emerged from the flames
I ain’t here to play no games
What you see is what you get
I am real and I am me
I wear my scars
And I guard my heart
My ink will be your voice
Those that still remain chained
Let the world see
Take my hand
And join this journey with me…

~Stephanie Botha~

Legacy

It’s not the size of the page
Or the audience facing the stage
As you laugh upon the circus in my cage
It’s a product of my rage
You call it a phase
Your perceptions are glazed
Staring at my eyes, dead and crazed
Stumbling through these dreaded days
The pain deep down that forever stays
As you overlook the scars upon my skin raised
You cannot hold my stone cold gaze
For in this life it never pays
From this path we cannot stray
Our fears cannot be erased
In this life it only betrays
As our body continues to decay
Our mind’s legacy will infinitely portray…

~S.B & D.S~

Unique

Disorientated
That’s an understatement
Alternate world of sorts
Caught beneath the floorboards
Nothing to win
Nothing left to lose
As I resurrect
My ink I will perfect
My aim is to electrify
The mindset I will rectify
Open your mind
To the possibilities of my kind
Release the chains
That society reigns
We were built by design
For something greater, to define
I see your eyes well with fear
Allow me to wipe them clear
Why so sad
It can’t be that bad
As they rage judgement
On your ‘unjustified’ lament
Yet we feel more
We see the world, as in pieces it tore
Further apart we drift
Widening the rift
In order to clear the debris
We need to unite, don’t you see
One love
One life
Let’s carry it together
Carry each other
Sister and brother
Father and mother
Wipe your eyes
Of all the lies
Fed to you by society
Break free and join the variety
Don’t be afraid to stand out
Let your uniqueness shine, let it shout
It’s ok to be you

And you are not alone
You need not be a clone
Be proud
Be loud
Together we will change the world
As we emerge from the shadows
And step down from the gallows
In all your unique glory
For decades they will tell our story…

~Stephanie Botha~

Real

It’s real
It’s raw
It’s time to settle the score
I won’t take it anymore
The crows circle and caw
As I dig deep into my core
Finding the strength to let go of them all
I will no longer take the fall
As they feed off kindness like a vampire w***e
I will take it no more
If you don’t like it there’s the door
Free from their burden, I will soar
No longer from my cup will I pour
Watch as I stand tall
My demons grin and they applaud
With brandished sword
I cut the cord
Into the darkness I go, forgive me lord…

~Stephanie Botha~

Memory

Nothing can prepare
Nothing can compare
That moment you see
There is no more we
There is you and her, then there is me
You’ve moved on
I am but a distant memory
As I drape the memories with white sheets
And bury any reminders
I wish you all the best
But I can’t help this pain in my chest
Nothing can compare
Beyond repair
As I embrace this moment of despair
Because it was real
Something you didn’t know how to hold onto
My flame was too intense for you…

~Stephanie Botha~

Moment

Degraded
As the whimpers faded
Washing her skin
Of the unholy sin
But her soul is stained crimson
No longer innocent
Her heart now silent
Numb to the concept
Yet grasping for that moment
That moment she is wanted
Even though she will be discarded
Degraded
She feels used
Even though she could have refused
And still she searches
For something more than a moment
Yet time is fickle
Forever fleeting by
To the inevitable goodbye
For nothing is ever
Forever
And so she will chase the moment
For eternity...
Because in that moment
She feels wanted...
If only they could love
As deeply as they lust
She wouldn't sell you her body
She would gift you her soul...

~Stephanie Botha~

Familiar

I feel so lonely
Even when I'm not alone
Empty
Even with so much to give
It's heavy
With no reason to live
Yet no courage to die
As anxiety grips
The mask is a lie
All I do is slip
Chasing the adrenaline
Just to feel alive
On my skin I engrave my sin
On the edge, I prepare to dive
Set me free
In my mind I remain shackled
I embrace it to a degree
As my subconscious wonders
In the darkness I linger
It's so familiar
Searching for an escape from reality
The pit in my stomach deepens
Is it better than feeling numb
No, that's dumb
Set me free
Before the normality sets in
But wait, you see
In the end
It's what I would choose
Because what have I got to lose...

~Stephanie Botha~

Dead

Beside my grave
My demons I am their slave
Listen to how they rave
I arrived but there was no body
I'm not alive, was never here to begin with
Don't cry
My presence held no great significance
You had the chance
Yet you passed by without a second glance
It's the last time
I swear it every time
My darkness beckons
I'll see you on the other side
I've already died inside
Maybe now I will be free...

~Stephanie Botha~

Memory

Nothing can prepare
Nothing can compare
That moment you see
There is no more we
There is you and then there is me
You've moved on
I am but a distant memory
I wish you all the best
But I can't help this pain in my chest
Nothing can compare
Beyond repair
As I embrace this moment of despair
Because it was real
Something you weren't ready for...

~Stephanie Botha~

Insignificant

I'm a f**king mess sometimes
One of my many crimes
As I hide amongst these rhymes
Through every torn up line
As I say that I'm fine
Standing on the very edge
Demons rattle in their cage
As I surender to the darkness
Engulfed in silence
None the wiser to my insignificance
Judgments held more importance...

~Stephanie Botha~

Love>Hate

I hate it
I love it
This pain
Its bliss
Even in the light
I'm surrounded by darkness
I see it clearly
But I am blind
Myself I cannot find
Yet it glares back at me through the broken mirror
Just like me
I am seen
But I am invisible
Alone
Standing in the crowd
I try to spread light
But I am dark
These thoughts resonate
Surrounded by silence
I try to block it out
Yet the walls are non existent
The demons that haunt me
I dance with them daily
I fight them
I welcome them
Stay
Go
I love it
I hate it
This battle I fight
To which I surrender...

~Stephanie Botha~

F**K

F**k me
F**k them
F**k it all
Lets run away to an alternate universe
Where we can converse
I want to rewind
Loop those moments forever
So that we feel safe again
Our souls entertwined
Reverse
That first message
Errase
So that we don't feel this crushing emptiness
But I'm already falling
I know you are too
Is it too late
Rewind
Reverse
Erase
F**k the universe
F**k me
F**k them
F**k it all
Ctrl alt dlt
Sorry, do I know you?
As My soul whispers your familiar name
It feels like home
But I don't remember
Ctrl alt dlt
As my heart misses a beat
Stuck in limbo
Forever falling
Forever drowning
Rewind
Reverse
Erase
Sorry do I know you?
Ctrl alt dlt
What a f**ked up life
Where's the knife
Romeo an juliet
We are both dead
If only they never met...

~Stephanie Botha~

Afraid

I was afraid
Now I'm terrified
I'm lost
But I don't want to be found
I'm lonely but I want to be alone
Incomplete
Yet not wanting to be fixed
Sad
Yet happiness no longer feels like a norm
It has become foreign
Misunderstood
Yet not wanting to be known
Unnoticed
Yet wanting to stay hidden
Silent yet not wanting to speak
I'm afraid of falling into the old routine
I'm afraid of being caged
I have only just found my freedom
I'm afraid of taking apart my carefully crafted pieces
Everytime I break
I mend with fewer pieces
Yet every one reflects my past pain
Glinting and grinning
Constantly reflected no matter the direction I rest my eyes
Sorrwfully I stare through the glaze
Hesitant to give my heart another try
As the darkness conquers the remaining light
Yet bursting from the seems with love wasted
As a tiny light glows
With ever blossoming hope
To be held tight
Safe in your arms
Even though it might be but only a moment
For nothing in this universe ever lasts
There is a beginning and an end
Because there is no ever after
But there is always an end
An end with no us
And it makes you think
Was it ever worth it to begin
And yet there is that tiny light
With hope for but a moment
Before it fleets away...

~Stephanie Botha~

https://youtube.com/channel/UCsWNLnIdEL_Txv7vjRj7TXw

Phoenix 95 - YouTube They don't know what it's likeAnd that's why I writeTo show some perspectiveMy words are selectiveTo an audience living in the shadowsHanging from the gallow...

Bott;ed

Its hard sometimes
Cant put it into words
I get frustrated
But then again no one really listens
No one cares
They have already decided I have an unpropitious future
And they’ve moved on to the next best thing
I bore them with the same torn up lines
I wish I could leave it all behind
But im stuck in the past
In my own surreptitious world
As I try to describe
Try to understand
This turmoil inside
My own insidious reality
As I find a furtive release instead
Wishing I was dead
But I don’t have the stomach to go through with it
When I go to that adverse place
It’s the version of me you don’t want to see
Sometimes there is a block
The words wont flow
My ink is dry
Page is torn
Sigh
Its hard sometimes
Its hard to keep it all bottled
Bottled inside with no release
In my mind I am trapped
As I climb beneath the covers
And wish that I wont wake up
Its hard sometimes
Trying to cope with the things that I write about
But until then I am lost
Its hard sometimes…

~Stephanie Botha~

Paralyzed

Stuck in the past
Stuck in my mind
The concept is hard to grasp
I went to my grave
But there was nobody there
As I wonder through each day
A cold and lost co**se
I cant feel anything no more
My hands are tied
As the box is lowered
I have no oxygen
I find myself at the bottom
Helpless as all I can do is watch the waves crash
I'm ashamed of who I have become
A shell of what once was
Staring at my empty reflection
I feel so misunderstood
As I pull down my hood
I'm better off invisible
Its hard because I hate myself
Stuck in the past
Stuck in my mind
The concept is hard to grasp
I feel so hopeless
The nights are the longest
As I sit in my silence
My mind overrides
As I relapse
Its hard because I hate myself…

~Stephanie Botha~

I Don’t Want To

Get out of my head
Out from under my bed
Wait, don’t go
Stay a little longer
Tear me apart
Forget f**king serotonin
I love this pain
Keep me company as the darkness beckons
As we dance in the shadows
I willingly step up to the gallows
Take me now
Oh won’t you put on a show
I get a little lonely won’t you stay a while
I’ve forgotten how to smile
Wait that’s a lie, I just don’t f**king want to
I like it here
I feel like I belong
I know it’s wrong
But it’s all I’ve know for so long
I‘ve forgotten what it’s like to be happy
Wait that’s a lie, I just don’t f**king want to
I revel in t.his feeling
Get out of my head
Out from under my bed
Wait, don’t go
Stay a little longer
Tear me apart
I love the pain
Your darkness is so familiar
It beckons me closer
As I willingly tear myself apart
I’ve forgotten how to smile
Wait that’s a lie, I just don’t f**king want to
I like it here
I feel like I belong
Playing in my darkness
As they show me new ways to hurt
Forget the f**king serotonin
I’m addicted to this pain
Is that really so insane
When the lights seeps through the cracks
I slip on my mask, is that a sin
Underneath I’m a monster
Just like them
It’s where I belong
With them I don’t need to be strong
I love the way they tear me apart
Get out of my head
Out from under my bed
Wait, don’t go…

~Stephanie Botha~

Preoccupied

My mind is preoccupied
These thoughts I try to override
But they tumble and they collide
Hide it all inside
No one to confide
In my head I must reside
My mind it won't subside
Deafening screams
Tearing at insanities seams
They demand undivided attention
On and on
Unrelenting
What's preventing
The blade from slipping
The rope from gripping
The bottle from sipping
As I plaster the smile
I'll be OK for a while
Turn up the volume
These f**king thoughts are loud
Standing alone in the crowd
Tune out the voices
Bleed this pain
Just to remain sane
Miss the vein
Forget the rope
Empty the bottle then puke it down the drain
Unleash the flame
As I burn these walls
Dripping with hate
Smeared with anger
Smash the glass that reflects my mistakes
Sweep up the shards
Wipe the walls
Extinguish the flame
Lock the door
Tomorrow ill do it all again
My mind is preoccupied
These thoughts are f**king loud
These demons they rattle their cages
As I go through the stages
Day after day
I try to block them out
The Silence is f**king loud
Standing alone in this crowd
Turn up the volume
As I bleed my ink onto these pages
My heart races
Reliving a lifetime
In only a moment
Emotions crash
Fighting for the spotlight
One at a time my beasts
There is time for you all
As I slip to the floor
And remove my mask
Revealing maddened eyes
I rip myself open from the inside out
My mind is preoccupied
So forgive me if I have seemed distant
These thoughts are just so f**king loud
I'm just trying to make it through another day
Tomorrow I'll do it all again...

~Stephanie Botha~

Silhouette

Only once in my grave
Will the difference be made
Falling into the darkness
As I drown beneath these waves
A silhouette
Of what once was
Echos
That fade away
Dancing with my shadows
As the light sets on the horizon
A lifetime
In only a moment
Hold me
Envelope me in darkness
Strangers in my head
As I remember wishing to forget
Some silhouette
Empty the bottle
Until the pain goes away
As I trip
Comatose
Down another bottle until the pain goes away
Turn up the lyrics
As I slip
The silence f**king screams
A lifetime
In only a moment
A silhouette
Of what once was
Lost in the abyss
Comatose
Down another bottle
Draw another blade
Until the pain goes away
As my thoughts overwhelm
Beneath the waves I drown
Standing at the gallows
But forgot the rope
Hold the blade but can't find the vein
Empty the bottle
But puke it down the drain
Silence this f**king mind
A lifetime
In a moment
A silhouette
Of what once was...

~Stephanie Botha~

I Wish

I wish
I could just let go of the past
Just pull the steering wheel crash
These walls draped with my fears
Smudged with tears
Its the version I don't want you to see
I wish these walls were blank
But I'm in here everyday
Might as well read
I keep the door locked
Keep that trauma inside
It's lonely inside this space
I struggle to find who I am
But I try my hardest
Rewind
My mind is where I'm trapped
Barricaded inside
Lost in my own conscious
Stop knocking
I won't open these doors
I wish
That I could just block it all out
Pull the steering wheel crash
Lost in every moment
Every moment that tore me apart
Right from the start
Rewind
Time-lapse
Stuck in my mind
Music is my escape
Writing my therapy
When I walk away in silence I don't know what I'm doing
Lost in the every moment
Walls covered with trauma
Smeared wirh tears
Dripping in blood
Look into my eyes
Forget it I'm blind
I wish
These walls were blank
I'm here everyday
Might as well read
I wish that I can just block it out
Pull the steering wheel crash
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
As I say that I'm fine
This is my last resort
Pull the steering wheel crash
Rewind
Time-lapse
Repeat...

~Stephanie Botha~

I'm Sorry

All the voices in my head get so loud
Traumas scream loud
Wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry if I let you down
All those times that I made excuses
I feel useless
I feel like I'm a burden
Tell me what am I doing
As I turn up the volume
Pull out the blade
Myself I continue to degrade
You don't want to know what I know
Better off playing Russian roulette
Instead of getting in my head
Forgive me I am a sinner
But I got music and ink that's my medicine
I'm sorry if I let you down
All The voices in my head get loud
I try my hardest
Everytime I look in the mirror I'm back where I started
Tell me What am I doing
What am I doing here
My thoughts they tear me apart
Rip my pages and bleed my ink
Don't lecture me
You don't see what I see
I've been down under my whole life
And every day I still rise
It’s not about what I was given
It’s about what I became
The monster in my own head
I'm sorry that I let you down
Hard days
Cold nights
I've been under my whole life
Staring back at my empty reflection
Smash it up
Drip
Slip
These voices in my head get so loud
Turn the volume up so that I don't hear my thoughts
I'm sorry that I let you down
Relapse
Collapse
I've been down under my whole life
And tomorrow I will still rise...

~Stephanie Botha~

Volume

Turn up the volume so that I don’t think
In a trance eyes closed I don’t even blink
Without it the silence
It screams in my ears deafening violence
Thoughts overriding
There is no hiding
Without music I’m slowly dying
My steps have no destination
Stumbling through the motions
Drowning in oceans
Paralyzed
Terrorized
Suffocating
Where is the oxygen
Turn up the volume so that I don’t think
I’m on the brink
Insanity knocking
Stop knocking I ain’t coming
Stop knocking!
Heartbeat drumming
These thoughts are terrifying
Turn up the volume so that I don’t think!

~Stephanie Botha~

Days Like These

Days like this are harder
When the minutes seem like hours
Making it hurt longer
Every thought toppling over the other
Vision blurring through the tears that will not fall
Everything inside tightens a noose around the windpipe
Trying to find a release
Thoughts failing to cease
Days like this are harder
To keep the mask held in place
Emotions play chase
Trying to make sense
Moments tick to hours
Days like these are harder
Words fail
Trains of thoughts derail
Spiraling
As the noose tightens
Flailing to find footing
Slipping
Noose tightens
Blood stops rushing
Breathe one two three
Days like these are harder
The lights go out
Leaving me defeated in the dark

~Stephanie Botha~

Graveyard

Smiling on the outside
While on the inside I talk myself from the ledge
As I open that door
Crashing through the floor
I bash my head against the wall
Over and over
I wish it were over
Outstretched fingers grasping
Gasping for air
Reaching for a lifeline that isn’t there
Trying to rid my mind of the images
Memories
Haunting
Crashing
Slashing
Clawing at the skin draped over an empty shell
The stairway I climb to escape crumbling
Shadows closing in
Blending into inky black sin
Darkness seeping into my soul
Black as coal
Breaking
Shattering
Pieces slicing
Unrelenting
No air
Blinded
Fumbling for the door k**b
Screams ringing in my ears
Deafening
Make it stop
Fumbling for the lifeline that isn’t there
They are circling
Memories glinting in their eyes
Tongues lapping at the scarlet drops seeping
Dripping
Slipping
Hot breath like dancing flames
Teeth gritting like razor wire
Close my eyes
Hands over my ears
Breathe
One two three
Sweep up the pieces
Chain the demons
Turn on the light
Open the door
I walk out
Bolted
Chained and locked
I slip the key into my back pocket
Replace the fractured mask
Blink
One two three
As the door rattles behind me
I know I will never be free
From the graveyard in the back of my mind
No control
I’m just here for the ride
It’s where my demons will forever reside
As I rebuild yet again

~Stephanie Botha~

Voice

They don't know what it's like
And that's why I write
To show some perspective
My words are selective
To an audience living in the shadows
Hanging from the gallows
My ink will be your voice
To be heard above all the f**king noise
You are not weak
You will find the answers you seek
You are strong, you will f**king grow
And they will know
I see you
Soon the world will too

My ink will be your voice
To be heard above all the f**king noise

I see you
Soon the world will too

~Stephanie Botha~