Evolution of Intimacy

Coping skills in the face of trauma. After something traumatic happens to us, what previously was judged as safe or neutral can feel dangerous and unsafe. Learning to differentiate between internal and external triggers is a first step towards healing- asking yourself the question 'Is the danger reflected in my environment and therefore do I need to act to change something, or is the danger my nervous system reminding me of something that has already happened in the past, and is no longer happening.' If the answer is the later, therapists can teach grounding / centering skills to anchor present moment awareness for these moments of experiencing the past in the present.

Narcissism might be a bit of a buzz word to put down your ex-partner, but the impacts of being around someone narcissistic should not be minimised. When it comes to s*x, s*xual narcissism is characterised by self centred perspectives on s*xual interactions, traits like an inflated sense of s*xual ability, a feeling of entitlement to s*x, a lack of empathy towards s*xual partners, and the tendency to exploit others s*xually. It comes across as a belief in one’s superiority in s*xual situations, often at the expense of others, but is rooted in feeling insecure at a deeper level. *xtherapist

EMDR has been shown to reduce symptoms for many different psychological issues. I've just read some research in the BCM Psychiatry journal that shows effects being maintained beyond 12 months after treatment. I am immensely grateful every single day to have a modality available that has the potential to help people to truly heal.

Obsessing over your relationship? Many people struggle with obsessive thoughts about health or worries, some people replay scenarios over and over- thinking what they could've done better- there are many ways that our minds get into overdrive and cause us trouble. Relationship obsession is a type of compulsivity where worries about the relationship become obsessive. People experiencing this become over focused on their relationship, preoccupied with thoughts about whether it's the right relationship, or if their partner really loves them, experiencing a lot of anxiety and distress related to these thoughts. An understanding therapist can provide strategies to work with obsessive thoughts and help with creating some perspective.

Benefits of Singlehood. As a counsellor specialising in s*x and relationships- I am often speaking about the benefits of having a healthy relationship. So I just wanted to take a moment to express that being single can also have lots of benefits. Single people can have more time to do what is important to them, they can be more focused from distractions, they have the freedom to make their own choices regarding their time, money and energy and their lives are potentially calmer. Cultural narratives often privilege romantic relationships, but there are so many types of relationships that can be deeply enriching; friendships, pets, family, children, peers from work or sport etc. It is far better to be single and happy than in a relationship where you are not respected or treated well.

An unexpected benefit of having a healthy relationship? More productivity at work and less burnout apparently! A study from 2021 suggested a link between a happy relationship and career goal attainment- and this makes sense from an attachment theory perspective. A secure adult attachment means that you feel safe to take risks and to try new things- you know you have a safe place to run back to if it doesn't work out.

After speaking at the EMDR conference about using EMDR to treat s*xual pain, I've been getting more and more referrals from people wanting support. There are lots of medical reasons that s*x could be painful- it's important to rule these out first. But it's also not uncommon for pain to be caused by tension that is worsened the more anxious and worrying the issue becomes- a perfect target for some EMDR therapy.

Artificial Intelligence is a hot topic. Have you thought about how AI might affect s*x lives in the future? There are many people that have barriers to partnered s*x that might be interested in engaging s*xually with robots. The movie 'Her' from 2013 portrayed a romantic and s*xualised relationship with an AI. As a s*x therapist I have the honour of supporting people to navigate all sorts of s*xual experiences and potential challenges. I wonder if 'Robos*xuality' (s*xual interest in robots) will become something I support people with in the future?

Attachment theory and the Internal Family Systems.

Many therapists feel afraid of couples work, as it can be a lot of emotion in the room at once. But I really love offering couples counselling. It's an incredible honour to support people to regain the respect and intimacy that can get lost for so many reasons. We do definitely have a laugh in session too.

Many common couple challenges involve parenting, and I love supporting parents to become more of a team with the kids, as well as supporting them to thrive as a couple, beyond being 'mum and dad'. I am not an expert on parenting by a long stretch. I was a nanny to many incredible young children all through my 20s and early 30s while I studied, and did a unit of childhood development in uni- so definitely have some knowledge. I am also very happily childfree, so can't fully relate to the bliss and the stress of being a mum. So I am always seeking great resources from therapists and educators who do specialise in parenting and childhood development, I love this one shared by HUSHeducation - Body Safety Education and Sexuality-Education who offer heaps of great content in this field.

Loneliness is a common human experience. THIS WAY UP suggests therapists help people who might be feeling lonely in the following ways;

📌 Listen, ask about loneliness, and validate their emotions.
📌 Let them know that loneliness is a common human emotion experienced by many people at some point in their lives.
📌 Recognise that talking about loneliness may be difficult for them, and normalise this in your conversations.
📌 Assist your client in setting achievable goals related to improving their social connections. Find out what supports are available in their area.
📌 Involve families, carers and other supports where appropriate.
📌 Provide psycho-education and online treatment options eg; This Way Up Australia.

Loss and Traumatic Bereavement. Whether through death, injury, end of a relationship- these experiences are some of the most confronting, challenging and profound times that we can live through. Of course counselling can't take away the suffering the comes with grief- but the support, care and empathy of a professional can be a balm in difficult times. Reach out if you need support.

A difficult truth- the fear of rejection often leads people to act in ways that make it hard to maintain the ebb and flow needed for healthy adult relationships. Rejection sensitivity is a common experience for people who experienced poor attachment to parents, usually because parents were going through their own issues and couldn't fully show up for their little ones. Therapy to heal past relational ruptures can support people to feel more secure in their current relationships. Your past does not have to define you.

New research has come out to show the correlation between healthy lifestyle and satisfying s*x. Seems obvious but great to have data to back it up. So keep up those healthy behaviours! https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article/21/4/304/7617172

Are there potential risks to EMDR Therapy? Working on past traumas requires courage. With some EMDR protocols- you don't have to bring up the trauma or even say what it is to your therapist, but there is no guarantee that we can 'get it all' in one session. It's a bit like w**ding. Your traumas might be lots of big or little w**ds. We try our best to work on one at a time in session, and pull out all the roots, but sometimes there are little bit of the roots left- and you might be feeling a bit of that activation between sessions. Or- once we have pulled out one w**d, you might start to notice another one a bit more intensely. EMDR however is not just the pulling out of w**ds (called phase 4 desensitisation). During phase one (history), we have an overall look at the state of the garden, but don't focus too much on any one w**d. Phase 2 (preparation) is making sure we have all the right tools ready before we even get in the garden. Phase 3 (assessment) is where we decide together which w**d we want to start with, or do next- and YOU can choose if you want to start with a small one. Only in phase 4 (desensitisation) do we get into the garden. An experienced EMDR therapist will spend enough time in preparation for you to feel safe to go into the garden, but will also not be afraid to get into the dirt with you when it's the right time. Working with a therapist who is accredited with the EMDR Association of Australia is a good place to start.

Please click on the post below and 'like' or 'love' the pic of me with my v***a art! Very important cause (I win $100 bar tab).

Humour in relationships creates more satisfaction. Research shows that humour in long term relationships creates feelings of tenderness towards your partner, can help you cope with conflict and can be a tool for forgiveness. A word of warning though, gentle teasing type humour is great when your relationship is strong, but can lead to hurt feelings in moments of disconnect. https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-78280-1_17

"You can be right or you can be close." Good advice in relationships where both people are invested, because criticising and complaining will not get you more of what you want. Accepting and celebrating your partner is what makes a healthy thriving relationship- but what if one person is just not contributing or showing up? Couple therapy is a great way to talk about stuck points in a new way.

A great new website that was created for and with female identified people with disabilities to learn about s*x, consent and relationships;

Home | Neve

Best advice ever for a happy life! Love with Wild Abandon.

Challenges with firmness brings lots of men and couples to a s*x therapist. Contrary to what we might see in films, fluctuations in firmness is common to all men. I teach people how to reduce anxiety, and to feel that s*x is not a 'performance'. *xtherapist

Gender differences shown in many studies, are actually power differences. WOW. Makes perfect sense, but this is the first time research has been able to show this. https://academic.oup.com/pnasnexus/article/3/2/pgae025/7615001?login=false

For those who missed the conference and are wanting to hearall the presentations, (Including mine on 'Attachment and IFS informed EMDR) the link for playback tickets are below.

Playback tickets for the EMDRAA 2024 conference are now available!

If you were unable to secure a ticket but are interested in viewing all the presentations from our respected speakers, you can now purchase a playback ticket until Friday, 31 May 2024, 5pm AEST. This ticket will give you the opportunity to catch up on everything you may have missed. With six months of access to the recordings, you'll have plenty of time to watch them at your convenience.
https://events.humanitix.com/emdraa-conference-2024-playback

Our relationship with our primary caregiver, (usually a mother figure) continues to influence how we experience the world, our adult relationships and ourselves. This is the deep healing work that we do in therapy (as opposed to counselling, which stays in the present).

Funny but I actually LOVE experiencing IFS and EMDR as the client- it supports me to get a much deeper feel for what it is like for my own clients, and
I think it makes me a better therapist.

Emotion Focused Therapy. This modality is recommended for working with couples. I did a Grad Cert quite a few years ago and spent today and a full day a few months ago doing some further training. The ultimate message is helping couples to speak in a way that they can listen and share with empathy, rather than from their defenses.

Insomnia is a common struggle, and many of my clients suffer from not sleeping well. New research has looked at why. "We looked at studies in neurobiology, neurochemistry and clinical psychology to get a real understanding of the mechanisms underlying how sleep helps us to deal with our emotional memories.” https://www.nature.com/articles/s41583-024-00799-w

When one person in a relationship works away, for FIFO, defence or remote jobs- it's important to find ways to keep your connection alive. A lot of contact that is not very meaningful doesn't actually help you build that connection while apart. Finding meaningful but simple and quick ways to connect will provide a deeper bonding experience. To get lots of tips to ensure your relationship stays strong, join my 6 week, self-paced, online program. https://ellashannon.com/living-apart-loving-together/